...something beautiful

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Sunday, March 28, 2021

i miss mom

dear daisy,

i have been working on a new grant application again - since the past five weeks. my writer's block is as serious as ever given blocking the suez canal. why would anyone name a ship like no F ever given. there is a saying that naming a ship after a lady would bring good luck. i wonder when will my beautiful name will ever bring me good luck in something i really wanted. i am in a juncture of quitting and leaving everything to start a new career, new life, somewhere new, and learning a new language.

i feel the missing of God's blessing with mom's absence - maybe because i began to see the true colors as the bubble protecting me had burst, leaving me vulnerable and shock of unprecedent behavior which i didn't know before. maybe her love blanketed me, made me see the world beautiful in such naivety. i don't know, maybe i was stupid.

tomorrow marked the two years of her passing. i miss mom a lot. i miss complaining to her about my life,

i think i will quit academia in a year. i want to try something new and more exciting than this. i hope covid-19 pandemic will be over soon, i want to live a different life - pick up sketching, painting, writing and computer prog

oh God, please grant my mom's prayers and good wishes for me - now that i am missing her a lot

Sunday, February 21, 2021

all nighter -

dear daisy,

social media like facebook and instagram change the demographic of self-expressions tremendously: from over-sharing inaccurate postings by baby boomers to tiktok gen-Z, millenials and the Y2Ks. we are doomed by the way, from algorithm bias, managed by corporations to only serve their best interests.

two days ago was media-black out day for facebook in australia.

unlike google, fb refused to pay for content shared in their platform.

now the conspiracy theories speculate that rupert murdoch wants greater share in news coverage

and making more money.

i think fb forgets that accurate and responsible journalism is not cheap

there are layers of human lives in every section and stage of news.

however, the signing with google is a positive sign that clearly pave way and changing the dynamics of how future journalism would be conducted.

speaking truth to power -

we inherit the world from imperialism of hundred of years, that systemic change

to uphold women's right and respect is still lacking among my fellow malaysians.

recently, we had a story of a lady-driver who went out without wearing her inner supporting upper garment and was stopped by a policeman.

he asked her to show him if she wasn't wearing any.

he also asked for her number to get to know her better.

those alone, were wrong and could easily landed him in disciplinary action for being disrespectful and violation of the code of conduct (like harassing).

to my surprise, many - women and men alike - blamed the lady driver for her "poor" choices;

the lack of dressing code and the chance to get to know the guy better.

they are among my fb friends.

and i wonder, despite all the women march, me too movements and feminism

i still have a number of friends and family denigrating other women.

all my frustrations - about the recent world and family affairs led me to sleepless nights and tiring soul.

sometimes i wish i could just quit this and start anew elsewhere

i promised mom to take care of my sister.

so i need a better, sustainable plan.

my starving artist and struggling but happy life mantra would definitely not working to others but me.

daisy,

you are my ghost.

i also said the same thing to my crush a month ago.

it felt good to just feel their presence even without any reply.

or answer.

my life such is a pathetic, unrequited love story of a lifetime.

mom said that my life is akin to lemony sniket's

the series of unfortunate events.

at the time, she was at the death bed and both of us laughed about it.

maybe she was right.

plan 1. open a cafe

i think people like to romanticise the idea of "coffee prince" - a famous korean drama series about a man fell in love with a pretty boyish looking girl in the same way stanley tucci handles his cocktail and wines during the lockdown.

i did calculation in mind, cost, maintenance, labor, time, profit and loss.

this will take courage that i don't have.

plan 2. be a designer - for creative content

is that even a real job? i have been staying in academia too long that i don't even know other means to make a living. it was my first job to date. i am a keeper and it is not worth it.

plan 3. should i try farming and living sustainably?

urgh i still have loans to pay and dreaming to own a nice M class one day. those life won't pay the bills.

such a beautiful waste

maybe 2021 is the red pill to my twisted bubble life - for being away too long to understand about life and family. i was easy to be misunderstood, misinterpreted and mistaken, often a punching bag when anyone had disgruntlement. once i had all family members, dad included yelled at me for some reason when mom was stricken ill at the hospital. sometimes i revisited the memory and trying to recall what did i do wrong. every time it made me sad.

i guess, i need to stop here to make way for other writings - which i have been procrastinate to do. finally i realise that i can't make people to love me the way i like to be loved, appreciated and cared even from close family members.

i need to focus on the grant writing - to meet the dateline this friday.