Emptiness from deep down within

Trying to mask the depth of pain due to sin

Unaware of patterns that I continue to sulk in

Refusing to make that tough decision

 

Amazed at how people see me

Rejecting the fire stirring up inside

Afraid to divulge my innermost feelings because of where they abide

The root of disappointment continued to reside

 

A jaded view of who YOU are

Due to the instability of my maturity

Far from what I should be

Yearning to get a taste of what I see in others

 

Always told there was a light in me

Dimming it constantly as I walked down that path of insecurity

He knew how to tempt me

Food will be her true relationship above all

 

Mind clouded with negativity

Ashamed of not living up to what my friends and family believed I should be

Failing miserably at life

From my perspective no need to remove the mask indefinitely

 

Crying while listening to a song

I heard come to me

Denying this voice

I began to wish it away immediately

 

Bibles sent to me from my paternal aunt began to stick out to me

Scriptures jumped out at me everywhere

Mommy now attending regularly

Inspiring me to change my train of thought naturally

 

The warmth I felt as I listened to that song before

I was experiencing it again

Surrounded by like-minded people caused euphoria in my spirit

Yet intimidation crept in

 

Unable to see that I could leave my pain behind

Suitcase filled with layers of made up scenarios of what my life should be

Not recognizing what I had in front me

You see

 

 

See I would rather be in this holding pattern of despair

I was comforted by the normalcy of it all

I knew this culprit

Not wanting to step out of the coffin

 

I truly ran to Him that day

I woke up in praise

I had my own service in my room

Unbeknownst to me feeling inadequate to relay my thoughts

 

The call came and I ran to YOU

Our plan was to go together

I literally felt YOU grab my hand

Come on my child, Yes you

 

Feeling uncomfortable not wanting to fully participate

Through various ministry participation

My mask began to crack

As it crumbled a sense of humbleness came over me

 

Doing way too much

Those rose colored glasses also faded away

My gifts are not to be displayed for everyone and everything

I am called to do what YOU told me to do

 

Ups and downs got the best of me

Not realizing how fast I was sinking

He crept back in

Gluttony was my god

 

But HE was there all along

Feelings refrained from receiving that level of intimacy

Contemplating suicide shook my very soul

Depression put a dark cloud over my restoration

 

HE loved me through it all

HIS courtship is like no other

Here as I stand that suitcase is now a carry-on bag

Working on me has gotten me closer to THEE

 

As HE loves my soul

I see me

You, see

I am the princess HE created me meant to be

Many times you are not even on my mind

A song will come on I’m consumed by wondering what you are doing

Daydreaming of the last time you made me smile

It is truly the little things in life that complete me

 

On the other hand those sad love songs

Allow all those past wrongs on both our parts rise up

Anger soon follows

A deep sigh or two later realizing it was not to be anyway

 

Those good two step songs are always suggested on YouTube

Wishing you and I could be dancing to it

Looking into one another’s eyes dreamingly

Dancing on air seemingly

 

Back to reality

Never able to truly explain what you saw in me

Created a wedge that could not be removed

Many years have passed and the feeling still remains

 

Emotionally left out

Reeling as I pour my heart out in my journal

Keeping the disappointment deep down within

Smiling and hugging when our paths cross unexpectedly

 

Not being in the same circles helps tremendously

The distance between our residences allow the pain to fester

As the truth began to register

Hope dissipated at an accelerated pace

 

Every time I see your face

Hear your voice

Receive a text

Get a like on social media

 

Imagining being face to face

The imprint you placed upon my heart

Lingered for way too long

Through my pen you are no longer the main event

 

Those lyrics that trigger pain

I have learned to decompress

Enjoying that I never got caught up in your mess

I can truly stand shouting I’m blessed