Ponderings
Like most parents I worry about how I affect Miss Fuss. I grew up with a severely depressed (if not bipolar) mom. While I do not know how my early development, I do know that my pretty severe anxiety stems at least in part from my mom and the chaos of our home. Yes, there is definitely a biological component, but I know I was influenced by my mom.
So I worry that my own treated/ medicated bipolar depression 2 and severe anxiety affect my own little one. Is that why she still isn’t talking as much (or in sentences) or as clearly as I would like? I talked to her almost constantly when she was tiny. Even now I feel like I talk with her lots. Yes, there are evenings after being at work all day when I no longer want to talk or do much interacting.
Because I know so little about child development, have no local friends with small children, and was always trying to do things quickly, there are things which I either have not taught her or didn’t allow her to develop the skills. She can help with shirts and jackets. She fights with socks but can mostly put on shoes. She can do very little with pants though. How does one teach a child to dress herself?
She is playful, funny, smart. She can climb almost anything. Yet, I feel like there are skills “missing.” I want to do right by her and give her a better life than her birth family could have given her. I also want to give her a better life than I had. But can I?
My Kid and other stuff
So much has gone on since I last wrote. I am teaching again. Yes, I’d prefer to be working in a library, but I took what was available and could pay my bills, etc. I do enjoy having my big kids again- most of the time. Yes, certain parts of my job still push and aggravate my anxiety issues. There are times I really struggle with getting things accomplished just because I have “frozen.”
I did file for bankruptcy. Even with getting a teaching job, there was just no way to make the payments- not with paying daycare costs. I hated doing it (I’ve been to one court hearing and supposedly will hear from the court later), but I will take care of the Kid no matter what I have to do.
Everyday I feel so incredibly blessed. I am the Kid’s mom- something which has been legal for over a year now but something I had begun to think would never happen. I love going to pick her up in the afternoons. I love the way her face lights up when she seems me and the way that she runs to me.
I find myself still surprised sometimes. At the grocery store, I said something to myself about needing to get something for The Kid. Then I thought to myself- “for My Kid”. She is nearly two years old and I am still amazed on a daily basis that she really is my kid, that I am her mom.
I wish I knew whether this constant feeling of surprise will ever change.
I love hearing her talk. It has become more conversational now. Of course much of that conversation is still directed toward her canine siblings. “Hi Bubba,” “Hi Sissy,” etc. I love when I say “hi, kid!” and she says “hi, Mama!” She is very good at following directions- when she wants to that is.
Well, there will be more thoughts soon. I am going to try to get back into the habit.
Beyond Stressed
I am fraying at the edges. At times I feel like I am unraveling. Anxiety is playing the damned What-If game in my head constantly. In other words I am a mess.
My life is in limbo and the only good part is Miss Fuss. I am so tired of being unemployed. I’ve never been without work this long in my life and feel like a complete and total leech. My brother inadvertently made me feel worse when he asked whether I’d be able to pay the full rent on the apartment I like in Tennessee within the first few months. I’ll do my best, but ….
The dark humor part of me laughs as I remember an Anonymous commenter last year (before I disable anonymous comments) who thought I should let Fuss be adopted by a couple with a wife who could stay home with her, etc. because I was just going to shuffle her off to daycare and not bond with her, etc.- despite the fact that the majority of people (even couples) send their children to day care at some point. Any way, I’ve been home with Fuss for a year now. We are definitely bonded. She is a confident friendly little daredevil. I think that some of that is her innate personality, but some of that may come from the security I have offered her.
I am so ready to move. There are several issues with the birth family which have popped up in the last week or so- after almost no contact from anyone in weeks or months. There is also the sense of isolation which is only being made worse by the upcoming holidays. It brings me thoughts which are horrible to me. I keep thinking that if I didn’t have my two elderly dogs whose health, vision, and mobility will only continue to decline, I’d have more options of housing. I’d be able to go visit people because I wouldn’t having to worry about the stress and cost of boarding them. I could even go have Christmas with friends’ families. I have been invited to several. (My mom works for a retailer who will probably have her work Christmas day.)
I do feel like by moving, I will have many more opportunities for jobs. I will have people around who care about me and whom I will hopefully see some. I will have a church in which I could see raising Fuss. I will also not stick out so prominently as the liberal I have become over the years. (I find myself thinking that many -if not most- of us are not conservative. After all the choices we have made for family creation are not very conservative.)
But it is not like I can just up and go. I need to find a place. I need to pack (and have been saving boxes) and find people to help me load the truck, and then find people to help me unload the truck there. So I will continue to be in limbo and eat myself up from the inside out. 😦
Nutrition
I was reading Blissful Mama’s post today in which she talks about feeling better when she was doing the Elimination Diet and taking supplements. It made me start to think. I was actually at a better weight while pregnant than I am now. Of course the HCg might have worked into that (as well as the queasies which curbed some of my snacking).
I think though that I also need to get back on my prescription prenatal vitamins, folic acid, and vitacirc-B. Those were all given to me to help combat whatever effects the MTHFR gene has with pregnancy. I noticed pre-transfer that I seem to be losing some weight also.
When I researched MTHFR (once the results of the spit-test came back), I found possible links between it and physical and mental problems. Some of the issues mentioned are fibromyalgia (which I have) and depression/ bipolar (also on my list of crap). Something else it may possibly be connected to is cardiovascular problems (including the blood clotting which can lead to miscarriage) which is a big issue in my family. My mom and grandmother both had heart by-pass surgery. Both of my brothers (from mom) have high blood pressure. So far my heart is ok, but….
The MTHFR gene provides instructions for making an enzyme called methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. This enzyme plays a role in processing amino acids, the building blocks of proteins. Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase is important for a chemical reaction involving forms of the B-vitamin folate (also called folic acid or vitamin B9). Specifically, this enzyme converts 5,10-methylenetetrahydrofolate to 5-methyltetrahydrofolate. This reaction is required for the multistep process that converts the amino acid homocysteine to another amino acid, methionine. The body uses methionine to make proteins and other important compounds.
So even though the vitacirc-B (apparently a generic form) is $40 a month, it might be a good investment in me. I need to take care of myself no matter what the results are from the RPL testing.
Bifocals & Baby 