It's April Fools 2024

I got nuthin.

OPEN THREAD! COMMENT BELOW!!! BHWHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHeee

Breaking News: New Candidates Announce For the 2024 Republican Primary Campaigns

In breaking news this weekend, various individuals have stepped up to announce their intentions to run as Presidential candidates for the Republican Party in the coming 2024 election cycle.

Across the United States, figures such as former investor Michael Milken, alleged Genovese crime family boss Liborio "Barney" Bellomo, and the desiccated corpse of Ponzi scheme financier Bernie Madoff appeared before reporters to confirm they were each filing paperwork with the Republican National Committee to have their names placed on the primary ballots in 2024.

Milken, best known for promoting "junk bonds" as an investment scheme during the 1980s before facing criminal indictments and pleading guilty to numerous counts of securities fraud, informed his audience at his philanthropy offices in Los Angeles that "All things considered, what I know about my good friend Donald Trump, I can certainly perform better than he has, I can certainly commit more acts of fraud and embezzling and Emoluments violations while in office than he can, and hell if I need another pardon I can always issue myself one."

Milken continued with a thumbs up gesture to his unpaid audience of volunteers and interns working for college credit. "If the Republican voting base are THIS happy to vote for an indicted con artist and tax cheat, well damn this is a crowd of suckers I can play to. Have at it, America!"

Meanwhile in New York, Bellomo appeared in front of the Bleecker Street Pizzeria with a group of supporters and various cast extras from the current hit show "Tulsa King" to announce his intentions to "better represent the ladies, gentlemen and working classes of New York City in ways this loser Trump guy never could."

"I mean, c'mon, look at this wannabe pretender to being a crime boss, he keeps relying on the worst mob lawyers and bagmen I've ever seen," Bellomo noted to the cheers of his audience. "If America wants a Mafioso running this nation, then why not call on the guys who actually know how? Trust me, people, I can run things, I know how to grease wheels, keep things running, I don't discriminate, hell I work with Russian and Chinese and Mexican gangs all the time, and I get things done. You don't see things blowing up on my watch, well except for that little thing in Philly, but if you ask me about that I'll deny it, I got an alibi I swear."

"My guys are getting the signatures we need as I speak," Bellomo concluded, with thumbs up towards the crowd. "We're getting on the ballots, and then we'll see who America respects more, a real Mob boss or one who tries to play one on Fox News! Let's go!"

Meanwhile at the prison cemetery in North Carolina where Bernie Madoff was buried while serving a 150-year sentence for running the largest Ponzi Scheme in world history, reporters watched as Madoff crawled his way out of a tomb with noticeable physical decay since his death in 2021. Once Madoff reached the podium he had this to say.

"Brrraaaaiiinnsss. Brains. More brains... I... more... Cough, excuse me, I just woke up, I'll need some braaaaaiiiinnnnnss to get going. Still and all, I got more brrrrrraaaaaaaiiiinnnssss than Donald Trump. I got more bbbbbbbbbraaaaaaaainsssssssss than Trump's entire legal team. I need the brrrraaaaiiinnnsss of every Republican voter to feed me, and if they're stupid enough to vote for a convicted criminal, they might as well offer up their brrrrrraaaaiiiiinnnnsssss to the guy who did it longer and bigger and richer than that loser."

Madoff attempted to do a thumbs up pose for the cameras only to have his thumb pop off. "So if America wants a crook, better vote for the best crook of them all! And offer me your brrrraaaiiiiinnnssss!" He then proceeded to chase after the reporters at the event, feeling their craniums for brain size and then rejecting them in disgust.

...

Seriously, this isn't as lame-brained an April Fools as you might think. If crooked donald trump is still getting a majority of Republican voters to worship him, then this is the quality of candidates we should expect out of Republicans for the foreseeable future.

April Fools 2018 Edition

This is no April Fools prank this year, kids:

Enter the Motor City Madman, musician Ted Nugent, perhaps the National Rifle Association’s most outspoken board member.

In a Friday interview mostly focused on González’s and Hogg’s criticism of the NRA, Nugent and radio host Joe “Pags” Pagliarulo discussed how the students from Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla., have navigated media appearances and their belief that the teenagers have been manipulated by left-wing ideologues.

“These poor children, I’m afraid to say, but the evidence is irrefutable. They have no soul,” Nugent told Pagliarulo on the radio show on WOAI in San Antonio...

Of course, Mr. Nugent - possible pedophile and possible draft dodger - has no moral authority to attack teens who survived a mass shooting and are doing what they can to prevent any more of those.

Mr. Nugent also should look to his fellow conservative wingnuts who tried to take on the Parkland teens. Laura Ingraham tried to mock student David Hogg for failing to get into various California schools (that have rigorous enrollment regs anyway). She's now "on vacation" while her Fox Not-News show has advertisers dropping her like Third Period French.

You wingnuts better understand this: you just fucked with the wrong high school.

Obligitory trump April Fools Article 2017 Edition

President trump just walked out of an executive order signing without actually signing the executive order. trump was poised to sign a pair of executive orders Friday targeting trade abuses, but a reporter's question distracted him from signing at least one of them.

As trump thanked the press, a reporter jumped in with a question about ousted National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, who was recently denied his request for immunity in exchange for testifying before Congress about ties between trump's campaign and Russia's presidential election meddling. trump, looking visibly flustered upon being asked about Flynn, responded by walking out the door.

Before trump could get too far, Vice President Mike Pence stopped the president and consulted with him in the doorway. Pence then picked the unsigned order off of the desk and followed trump out of the door.

That's it. How can we have April Fools gags when the biggest gag is REALLY HAPPENING TO US AND ISN'T GODDAMN FUNNY...?

Breaking News

In breaking news this morning, the major news networks all agreed unilaterally to not cover any one damn bit of this 2016 Presidential cycle.

To quote one prime time producer from CNN, "I mean, c'mon. Look at the date. It's April First. Is there anything crazy we can report on that anybody would believe was a real news story? No. So why bother? This season has been crazier than a Florida Man on a Wednesday naked road trip to a strip club bingo night."

When reached for comment, Rachol Meddow* growled at the cameraman and pulled the bedsheets over her head, shouting "Damn you, non-stop press coverage of increasingly deranged campaigns! I JUST WANNA SLEEP AND DREAM OF HAPPY LLAMAS."

A reporter from C-Span refused to comment on-air, instead giving a statement through handwritten notes passed under the bathroom door that read "No more coverage. No more crazy from that one campaign. You know who. I'm sick of his egomania and incoherent ranting. I haven't taken a proper sh-t in days."

"Are you kidding? We need this break," emailed Olevia J. Nozzi** from an undisclosed location we later found out was a seaside rest spa. "I can't take it anymore. Especially that one campaign. I won't even say his name, we gave him so much coverage and all he does is come up with the craziest unbelievable outrage and nonsense we end up shaking our heads at. I mean, we could report him quitting the race to go raise a llama farm in Utah or something and nobody would believe us."

She added in a follow-up email "And his followers, ugh. Half the time I'm terrified they're going use me for pinata practice, the other half of the time I can't interview them because they're foaming at the mouth and ready to bite someone. So much freaking stress. So screw it, we're taking the day off."

Shap Smithee*** reportedly unplugged the camera of the team sent to interview him, and without independent verification uttered "Get away from me with that sh-t, son, I'm not in the mood for it."

In other news, the Presidential candidates were seen hastily tackling tourists wandering the streets of New York City so they could have cameras to shout at for YouTube uploads.

Also, llamas.

* Not a real name
** What, you wanna get sued?
*** I mean, seriously, I don't have a lawyer on retainer.

You Were Warned This Was Coming

With all due respect to my seven readers, you knew this day would come.  Just not this day.

In order to counter the growing talk of having Jeb "Yet Another" Bush being the prospective Republican nominee for 2016, I have decided to jump ahead of schedule and make my candidacy for President of the United States official.

Yes, I may be starting too early.  Yes, this goes against my constant argument for keeping all electioneering within the actual year of the election itself.  But if my throwing of the tinfoil hat into the ring has the effect of convincing Jeb Bush that Florida is MINE, it should stop this insidious crazy talk about his nomination once and for all.

Now, the process itself still requires a few things... such as filing paperwork in all 50 states I need the vote (plus DC), getting petitions signed and notarized, and oh about maybe $2.4 billion in loose change to pay for the whole damn thing.

I expect to raise most of that through merchandising, such as getting t-shirts and postcards printed out via CafePress.  A lot of money should be rolling in via my upcoming political biography Always Sober Never Sane. (due on the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month)

As the excerpt from my epic memoir makes clear:

These are the thymes that dry men's underwear. The summer hammock and the sunshine parrot will, in this crisis, shrink from too much drying on High heat; but he that strands by it know, deserves the love and thanks of that guy over there and a couple other hangers-on. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily tropified although the editing process on that site is easy; yet we have this constellation with us, that the harder the armpit, the more glorious the deodorant. What we obscure too cheap, we esteem too brightly: it is doe a dearness a female dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods, usually at a fair market rate depending on the Dow; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated by Moody or Standards & Poor.

I figure on getting a seven-figure deal from a major publisher for it. Hell, I'm hoping for the FILM RIGHTS. (with George Clooney as the beleaguered campaign manager, Alexandra Daddario as the Secret Service agent assigned to protect me, and myself played by a CGI-created Yog-Soggoth)

And so, to the easy part: getting 50 million Americans to vote for me.

Right?

Why is everyone pointing at the date stamp on this blog entry and laughing their asses off?