Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Monday, December 09, 2024

Unhappy Thoughts Part II

Update: I need to get back into the mood to blog, as Steve in Manhattan ended up using this from two weeks ago to share at Crooks & Liars' Mike's Blog Round-Up. Blame it on the boogey(man) that is trump... /rage


The post-election blues continue on, obviously.

One of the things still haunting me a month later is how the results just did not fit the enthusiasm I saw among fellow Harris/Walz voters, how it just didn't seem possible that a deeply unpopular figure like trump could add to a popular vote count to win.

And now we have to cope with the "autopsy" as it were with people yelling and screaming where things went wrong.

Crooks & Liars' Mike's Blog Round-Up this Monday pointed me to another blog where the artist created a cartoon basically highlighting all the (hindsight) armchair quarterbacking taking place among the Democratic ranks after the loss:

 

Visit Amp's blog to view the full image, please

As the artist Ampersand noted:

Lacking any clear-cut truth, most people just go ahead and say that the election proves that the Democrats have to endorse whatever policy stance they prefer or they’ll never win an election again...

I understand the impulse. I think the Biden administration has been horrifically bad on Gaza. Now that Harris has lost, it would be very convenient for me if everyone agreed that Harris lost because of the Biden administration’s terrible policies on Gaza.

But “convenient for me” isn’t the same as “true.” (Which is a very unfortunate way to set up a universe, and as soon as I locate the management I will make a complaint)...

Everybody's got a pet peeve and policy issue to defend. I've encountered a number of the ones presented in that comic: I've met people who are obsessed over reports how Elon Musk's Starlink system got election counting data before any official counting was done; I know a few people online who were genuinely upset about Biden's failure to rein in Israel's genocide of Palestinian families in Gaza and West Bank; I've read the arguments from the media pundits who think Biden (and by proxy Harris) were getting punished for higher prices even as inflation was trending down.

I myself am convinced that the mainstream media - led by the cowards at New York Times and Washington Post - failed to keep voters informed about how criminal and corrupt donald trump was, underplaying his scandals while punishing Biden/Harris/Democrats with a "both siderism" narrative that made Democrats look old and broken themselves.

But even I know that's not the entirety of the problem.

The real answer why Democrats failed to win this 2024 election cycle is that donald trump - leading a squalid and cruel army of Republican officials and voting base - appealed to the worst nature of a large plurality of our fellow Americans and got them to back his election. He stuck to his decades-long campaign hating on immigrants, hating on Blacks, hating on women; getting more and more Republican figures and media cheerleaders to push that fear and rage. And he got more and more voters - and not just angry Whites but also angry men and angry women from the very ethnic groups he's attacking - to buy in, spreading Hate like a plague. 

trump went from 63 million voters - when we could explain it away as a failure of a broken Electoral College - to 74 million - where we could avoid it by accepting Biden's popular vote win of 81 million - to 77 million where there's no other way to avoid this.

Democrats lost because Republicans appealed to sadists and assholes who are greater in number than we realized. The Cruelty was the point, and now it's policy

Every attempt to appeal to any rational Republican or centrist voting group wasn't going to work. Trying to get more liberal and progressive voters to show up seems limiting, and not enough of them were willing to buy in to the Big Tent Biden and Harris tried to build.

The reason why a lot of us who voted for Harris - who voted for competency and sanity and justice and an America we thought we knew - are skittish and unhappy today is that we've learned our neighbors, families, and communities are full of people who knew trump was a monster - a convicted felon and sex offender, openly willing to commit more crimes as President - and voted for him anyway.

Gods help us.

Friday, November 08, 2024

The Void In Me

I went back into my blog to cross out all the hopeful things I had posted leading up to Election Day.

Gods. A nightmare.

My personal mood is stuck between Despair and Fatigue.

I've stopped playing a lot of video games. I've stopped watching television. I've stopped going to movies. I'm finding it harder to read any books now. 

I don't think I will ever experience true joy in my life. The brief moments of any kind of happiness I experience end quick, and I have so few people in my life within reach to share that happiness. I know what it's like to be in love, but I also know what it's like to never share it, to never figure out relationships, to figure out other people, to be normal. The only thing I know about love is the shape of the void it makes in my life.

My writing interest is waning. My short story submissions keep getting rejected and I can't find any other places to submit my work. I'm at the point of "why bother?"

After having all my blog articles for the Royal Palm Literary Awards ignored for FWA, it's just piling onto my despair of spending all these years raging against the madness of motherfucking trump and changing none of it. For all the limited views, for all the brief bumps I get from Crooks & Liars traffic, it's not worth it, is it? Anything I write is meaningless against the fear and hatred that a majority of Americans revel in today.

My chronic depression eats away at me. My social anxiety makes it harder and harder to even try and find people near me I could find friendship, or comfort. And it's hard already being stuck in a Deep Red county in a damned Deep Red state to find people who share my world-view.

If this reads like self-pity or wallowing, it probably is. But I've got nothing else to offer right now.

This is all I am: a tired, aging, emotionally broken nobody.


Tuesday, July 23, 2024

Quick Break July 2024 edition

Just need to take a quick break. I may come back and blog pretty soon, but my head and soul are not in good places right now.

 

Thursday, August 31, 2023

Coping

I feel like I should be blogging more but I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Yeah, the thing about the blues is that it's hard to get away from it.

I've finally started some counseling - the person I'm meeting with confirms I'm dealing with serious depression and social anxiety - but it always takes time to get better from it. 

I have some good news in that one of my blog articles "All Which Wicked Designs" made it to the Finalist level of the Royal Palm Literary Awards, but gods help me it feels a bit underwhelming.

I mean, YAY, I did well, but for some reason
I'm not feeling optimistic about my chances this year.

Anyway, here I am. Coping.

Monday, July 31, 2023

Free My Mind from the 2023 Blues

My head is not in a good spot right now.

I tried taking most of this month off to get some writing done - or even edit some writing projects down to a manageable self-published thing - but... I couldn't focus.

I find myself just sitting in the recliner, feeling overwhelmed, not feeling inspired or motivated, and just... not there.

I really noticed I'm having serious problems by how I'm NOT even using these blank hours/days to binge-watch any of the geek shows out there. The money going to several streaming services right now are just WASTED as I zone out. I even rented a copy of Season One of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds back before 4th of July... and I still haven't even popped Disc One in to the player. And I've heard the show is good, I mean Third Season of Next Gen good. What the hell is stopping me?

It was that realization: My chronic depression is back, it's severe, and I really need to find someone on my Blue Cross HMO to see about treatment and getting out of this funk.

I'm at the point where a massive announcement of donald trump getting indicted in BOTH Georgia and Washington DC this week won't get me in a better mood. Well, okay, actually yeah I would be highly buzzed if that happens, but I know I'll be back in the recliner getting moody again.

Alas.


Sunday, June 19, 2022

Personal Matters as of June 2022

My moods are getting the better of me. I'm losing focus and unable to complete some tasks I need to finish.

I gotta unplug for awhile. I don't know when I'll be back to blog. Maybe when I get some of my projects finished.

 

Monday, March 09, 2020

With Warren Out, Seeking Shelter on This Thin Raft

I think I know why I'm having a problem blogging lately.

It's that, more and more, I am not writing anything remotely close to good news to share with the rest of you. The same overwhelming nightmare of crazy trumpian disasters day after day, combined with a paltry and thinned-out sense of relief we need to find at the end of all this madness.

The craziness of the Coronavirus pandemic notwithstanding, the thing that's been troubling me since last week - something it's taken me this long to write about - has been Elizabeth Warren's ending of her Presidential campaign.

It's heartbreaking for me. Above all, she was the only major candidate I viewed as an Active-Positive character with Adaptive and Gameplanning (all those plans!) skills. She showed better organizational skills than Bernie or Biden or Harris - Warren's campaign had events in Florida months ago, something I still haven't seen out of the remaining two big names - and she was giving inspirational speeches and appearances wherever she went.

As the candidates thinned out across a large - was it like 22 or 24 people running at one point? - stage, Warren remained one of the few who represented a shrinking diversity for the Dem party to support. We went from a number of Black candidates (Harris, Booker, even Deval Patrick) and Hispanic (Castro) and Women (Harris again, Klobuchar, Williamson (yeah I know), Gabbard (sigh), Gillibrand (yes for like one week), and Warren) among the White Men (Biden, Bernie, Beto, Inslee, Bennet, Hickenlooper, Bullock) and even a Gay White Man (Buttigieg) as the most diverse field ever to... well, almost no minorities and two (okay if you include Gabbard which you shouldn't, three) women candidate alongside the White Guys Biden Bernie and Buttigieg. Still...

The Democratic field even included the one ethnic group Democratic voting base doesn't like: Rich White Guys with Steyer and Bloomberg. Granted, Steyer is reasonably okay (he actually donates to charities!) and Bloomberg *is* still willing to put his money where it matters (helping the down-ballot races), neither of them were going to win over a party base that wants those billionaires to STFU and pay their damn fair share of taxes.

When Bloomberg finally made a debate appearance just before the Super Tuesday vote he had put all his hopes into, Warren was the one who gutted him onstage and finished him off Mortal Kombat style with a Flawless victory. It should have made her more popular with the Democratic voters, it should have translated into more support...

And yet when the actual primary voting happened, Warren could barely get enough voters from enough Democratic voters to qualify for delegates. Super Tuesday alone she couldn't even get past third place in her own state of Massachusetts (given how I ragged on Rubio in 2016 for being perpetually in third place, this was a painful karmic blow).

Unable to gain enough traction to play dealmaker at all for the Dem convention, Warren had no choice but to drop out. And it was just... hard to accept.

And it's not just me. My circle of friends - the socio-political bubble I admit I live within - both online and at work were mostly Warren fans, and they were broken up by it as well (is it telling that nearly every librarian I knew was cheering Liz forward?).

One of those in the circle was Emily L Hauser, who's been a published writer/pundit here and there over the years. She'd been the biggest fan for Warren since the start of her campaign, practically lived for every daily tweet and motivational message. The day that Warren announced the end of her campaign, Emily wrote this op-ed for the Chicago Tribune. It's a must-read, people, please check it out.

When Elizabeth Warren announced her 2020 candidacy, I was immediately all in, because she was the single most extraordinary candidate I’d ever seen. I’ve been a Democrat and activist my whole life, volunteering, protesting and organizing since high school, around myriad issues and across countless election cycles. I had been deeply moved by the opportunity to vote for Clinton.
I can’t say, however, that I found Clinton particularly inspiring. Warren, on the other hand, brought to American politics both a depth of knowledge and what race studies and constitutional law authority Kimberlé Crenshaw has termed “intersectionality” unlike anyone I’ve ever seen. Able to identify and articulate the ways in which, for instance, racism informs maternal mortality rates and sexism informs student debt, Warren understood that the problems facing our republic didn’t begin with Trump, and the aftermath of his presidency will require careful policies that grapple with all of it, all at once. She had a plan...
But Warren’s campaign — for which I have canvassed across state lines, made calls, live-tweeted speeches and raised more than $10,000 — faltered and finally ended Thursday. Despite her wisdom, compassion and proven success in establishing the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, unseating an incumbent Republican in Massachusetts and destroying the campaign of a billionaire with a history of sexual harassment complaints (bye, Mike Bloomberg) — Democrats, the ostensible party of progressive values, have decided they prefer one of two near-80-year-old men: Joe Biden, who oversaw the shameful railroading of Anita Hill in the 1991 Clarence Thomas hearings, or Bernie Sanders, a man who was unaware that his 2016 campaign had been roiled with complaints of sexual harassment and gender pay disparities and when later asked about it by Anderson Cooper, responded that he hadn’t known at the time because he was “a little bit busy running around the country...”
But as we attempt to salvage our republic from the destruction wrought by a president actively seeking to unspool our democracy and placed in office by an electorate that didn’t care that so many women have reported suffering at his hands, I am consumed with grief and anger that my party rejected a woman of such unassailable caliber as Elizabeth Warren...

I'm with Emily on this. Warren was a great choice. She was intelligent, articulate, motivational, charismatic, humorous, focused, dedicated. The worst scandal on her was that she mislabeled her ethnicity as Native American in her college days, and she'd already explained that and apologized for it (of course, Republicans and trump especially still take to calling her "Pocahontas" as an insult). She took every policy issue seriously, she took every greeting and selfie line with grace, she did everything you'd expect from the candidate that ought to win the damn nomination.

And yet it was still not good enough. As hard as she worked at appealing to the Democratic voters, she still had to work past the problem of "she."

There is a stark realization as the Democratic nominating process narrows down to two main choices of Biden (Old White Male moderate) and Bernie (Old White Male socialist) that no matter what the Dems are bound to put an Old White Male at the top of the ticket. Having broken the barrier of African-Americans reaching the White House with Obama, the Dems are now terrified of "diversity" against arguably the worst Old White Male of all time in donald trump. As though the Dems are convincing themselves that Old White Men are the only offerings to win over enough American voters to win in November.

Never mind the reality that a woman Hillary Clinton WON the Popular Vote in 2016. Never mind the reality that Democrats are going to need voter turnout among minorities AND women to exceed last cycle's numbers.

I'm a guy, White Male, getting to be 50 years old, and yet goddammit I have no problem with a woman as President. I've worked alongside enough women, had women bosses as much as men bosses, met women smarter than me (my high school valedictorian and salutatorian were both women!) and met women more spiritual than me. Women have brains and souls and heart and ambition just like men. Why the hell aren't other White Guys able to accept that?

And yet the horrifying thing: The Democratic base might be right. There's still far too much misogyny in the mainstream media, still too much fear of women in power across our culture and boardrooms and homesteads.

It's just... it's painful to watch a party that's SUPPOSED to stand for diversity to succumb to that pressure and not fight the good fight. I understand the fear: trump is too dangerous to gamble on appealing to the better angels of our nation's nature right now.

But it's going to prolong the problem. We're going to run into this roadblock NEXT election cycle, and the one after that, and so on. At some point, we as a nation HAVE to address the reality that women can be capable as men when it comes to leadership.

Emily argued this too:

Anyone who hasn’t had those experiences, or known what it’s like to plan an entire day and an entire life around the possibility of sexual assault or harassment, or what it’s like to be the only one of your gender in a room marked by power, or what it’s like to have your reproductive freedom legislated by people with different reproductive organs — simply brings a different sensibility to the issues that shape the lives of 164 million Americans. It matters that women are so often absent from the halls of power, and it’s well past time for one to be in the White House.

At some point, the legacies of Victoria Woodhull and Margaret Chase Smith and Shirley Chisholm and Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris and Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren ought to lead to a woman candidate standing there on Election Night celebrating the broken glass ceiling to end all glass ceilings.

I'm tired of the heartbreak. I'm tired of running into stuff like this. I'm not the only one, I know, and this isn't going to hurt me the way it's hurting millions of women still lacking that representation. Where would my compassion and hope and humanity not be while there is something as painful as this still happening? This doesn't help me (other than competent leadership for the United States again), it would help all of them, and that would have been something happy to root for.

I wish I had better, happier things to write about anymore.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Normally On This Day I Would Be Posting an Anniversary Note About Woodstock

But given the insane bullshit that is the trump Era, I am finding it hard to say anything good about a moment in American History where people did their best in a chaotic situation to pull off one of the most memorable rock festivals of all time.

This is what you wrought, Republicans. A madman in the White House and Nazis fist-bumping each other because they've got a guy in trump who'll let them run wild in our streets.

Sunday, July 09, 2017

When Being Sober Is A Curse: I Blame trump

How can I cope with my recurring depression when trump keeps ruining the universe like this (via Frum at the Atlantic)?

But the basic story line is clear. It was clear in real time—and it’s clearer than ever after the Hamburg summit. Whatever exactly happened at the meeting between Trump and Putin, the president’s Sunday morning Twitter storm confirms: Trump has accepted Putin’s denials as the final word on the matter.
Why would not Trump accept it? He has insisted that the accounts of Russian interference in the US election are a “made-up story,” a hoax by sore-loser Democrats. Putin told Trump nothing that Trump did not already believe—or anyway, that Trump wanted everyone else to believe. If there was any question before Hamburg, that question was settled at Hamburg: There will be no consequences for Russia. They attacked American electoral processes and succeeded. The president Russia helped to install will not punish Russia for helping to install him.

It's shit like this that would drive me to drink if I ever developed the habit of liking alcohol. But I'm so sober it's a goddamned curse.

To quote a saner, hopefully sober Betty Cracker from Balloon Juice:

I don’t expect to like any Republican president’s policies. And Trump is a person of exceedingly low character, so I expect him to behave in an embarrassing manner. But sometimes I wonder if my antipathy toward the man distorts my view of his performance. Is it possible that, while he routinely fucks up and brings shame upon the country, Trump’s presidency isn’t the unmitigated disaster I think it is?
Then I watch something like this summary from an Australian analyst, and I think, nah, it’s not just me...
A compromised, incompetent, deranged buffoon is the president of the United States. The president is surrounded and enabled by amoral, unpatriotic, power-hungry people who will paper over his gaping deficiencies and corruption to pursue their own agendas.
That’s bad, obviously. But the normalization of the situation poses its own dangers.
To pick on NBC for a moment, how could a “top-5 takeaways” piece fail to mention Trump’s insane assertion that “everyone” at the G-20 was talking about John Podesta, which also indicated Trump has no idea what role Podesta played in 2016 or, more alarmingly, the CIA’s role in investigating crimes against U.S. citizens? How could a round-up piece not include the weird and unprecedented insertion of Trump’s knockoff bag and shoe peddler spawn into the conference? Or his capitulation to Putin on an attack on U.S. sovereignty?
My complaint isn’t just about the sorry state of Beltway coverage. We’ve been kvetching about routine hackery for decades and will for decades to come, I suspect. But living in a country run by a madman and his accomplices warps reality for everyone, including the people whose job is to provide facts that help shape our perceptions. It’s probably easier for news sources outside the U.S. to frame the Trump menace accurately. But this interminable national crisis will require all of us to keep a grip on what’s real and what’s an illusion...

Ye Gods. Lemme bring up that Australian reporter's rant:



This is what a power vacuum looks like, America: We have a preening, self-absorbed and self-deluded con artist running things. trump wants to keep selling his agenda of being cozy with Putin and Russia, that "there's no collusion" and no conspiracy to subvert our electoral process... even as the real-world evidence piles up that collusion happened.

trump wants us to believe Russia didn't hack our elections, and even wants to team up with Russia on a joke of a "joint" Cybersecurity project that would likely expose our nation's own security protocols. He's doing this even as Russia is hacking our nation's electric power grid.

I'm with Abed on this: We've gone down the Darkest Timeline in this Multiverse, where a vain madman is in control of the United States, aided and abetted by a partisan Congress and a blind mainstream media.

I want to find the portal back to the Normal Timeline, please.

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Sabbatical 2017

this place & the trump seem to have got the better of me - Walt Whitman, mostly

The dread and anxiety surrounding our current political situation has hurt my ability to sit and write out short stories and finish up other writing projects I'd like to get submitted & published.

I get distracted by the latest turmoil and feel compelled to blog about it, but at the cost of getting other shit done.

So I need to take this month off from blogging.

I know if something monstrously insane happens with this Trumpsterfire I will jump back in here to comment, but I need to force myself away from this for some time.

Just know this:

Anything and everything coming out of the Trump administration is a self-serving lie designed to make more people suffer.

Good luck.

Stay sane.



Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Closing Out a Dark January 2017

I just need to do a few things.

I really really need to focus on my writing projects. I'm not only missing personal deadlines but professional ones too.

I will remain active politically. The way things are going there's bound to be more Saturday rallies against Stupid Shit Trump Does.

But February's gotta be a quiet month for me on the blog.

I kinda need to recharge anyway, my depression is getting the better of me.

If I post again this month, it'll mostly be photos and stuff.

Good luck.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Stuck On Stages Two And Four

"To err is human, to forgive, divine" - Alexander Pope
"Alexander Pope never had to live in a world with Donald Trump" - Paul Wartenberg

Everything Trump represents sickens and horrifies me.

This is the most unqualified, sadistic, uneducated, ill-informed, ill-humored human being to ever reach the office of the Presidency of the United States. That is saying something in a field made up of Andrew Jackson, John Tyler, James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, and Warren Harding.

At least terrible Presidents like Millard Fillmore, U.S. Grant and Jimmy Carter had their virtues and achieved some things that did not harm the nation. At least dangerous Presidents like Jackson or LBJ or Nixon were crafty or showed some respect towards the Constitution and the office they served.

Trump will do no such thing.

Trump will defy every law, ignore every protocol, insult every citizen that does not serve his wants.

He's already ignoring the conflicts of interests his business dealings have with the integrity of the Office of the President. His claims of putting things into a "blind trust" are turning out to be like all the other lies he's spun his entire life. The possibility Trump will violate the Emoluments Clause in the Constitution itself is bordering on 100 percent happening.

The recent meeting Trump held with the leaders of the Tech Industry - with his own children who are managing his financial "empire" - had the look and feel of him getting an idea which companies and CEOs he could shakedown for bad business deals. Anyone remember the gangster conference in the Godfather? Yeah, like that, with Trump as Barzini.

Harding was never this bad. At least Grant never profited from the graft of his own administration. Nixon for all his sins never crossed so many lines that Trump threatens to cut to shreds.

We're facing not just one Constitutional crisis, but a series of them, one laid atop another like a stack of bent playing cards that will blow itself down the second someone sneezes at it.

We are at the beginning of an age of failure and despair, where the kleptocrats huddle to form a kakistocracy, led by a con artist whose disasters underscore every lie he's ever told, and Trump has told so many.

If I'm in a dour and depressed mood, this is just one of the many reasons why.

To hell with the Five Stages of Grief. I'm stuck on Anger and Depression, to hell with Bargaining and to HELL AND DAMNATION with Acceptance.

What the hell, America. What. The. Hell.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

The Disconnect

Granted, I'm way busy right now catching up on my NaNoWriMo writing, which I'm trying to use as a distraction from the blues I'm getting from the political side of my life.

I've turned off the television, save for Cartoon Network and college football (Dammit Bucs, when you gonna get better?). It's still not helping.

I'm still angry at a nation where 57 million fellow citizens knew what they were getting in Trump - bankruptcy, sexual assaults, racism, incompetency - and still either closed their eyes to it out of party loyalty, a crazed hope that Trump wouldn't hurt them, or they WANTED exactly that.

Well, now. You got it. Along with the majority of us who DIDN'T want that.

I'm going back to writing, see if it can improve my mood.

When I get back, America you and I are gonna have to have a long chat about what you did wrong.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

An Introvert's Thoughts About Valentines

Yeah, time of the year again, when thoughts turn to love and single people look out at the world surrounded by couples hooking up and saying all "what the hell are we doing wrong?"

It's not sitting here whining about the unfairness of the day.  It's not anyone else's fault - well other than the kids who inflicted the emotional scars of getting publicly humiliated throughout middle school and high school - that I ended up here in my mid-40s lacking the needed social skills to go out and date.

It's just not knowing what the hell to do to learn those social skills.

I'm surrounded by books in the library about "oh do this, do that, do this other thing" about dating advice, social advice, etc.  But book learning doesn't help.  There is something intuitive, something gained from experience and insight (like wisdom), about being sociable.

There is a nature, not a trained skill, towards being extroverted.  There is a confidence within the soul and the heart.

To me, I dread "faking" confidence because it feels like a lie, like being arrogant or foolhardy.

A lot of this ties back into my not being good at making friends or keeping them.  I am a geek, then and now.  Never fit in well with the other kids growing up.  I tried being noisy and clownish and eager and angry and foolish.  Still didn't figure it out.  Tried being friendly and polite and quiet and helpful.  Don't think I did well.

I tried dating here and there in high school.  There were girls I liked, but it never worked out, they never liked me that way.  I started failing at picking up on other people's vibes.  There's all this stuff about body language, being in sync with people, picking up on cues in conversations.  I found out - sometimes in the worst ways - that I wasn't picking up on them.  I fell out of sync with everybody else.

I developed the fear of doing something wrong.  I know fear is irrational.  I still feel it, an unwarranted guilt that I've done, am about to do, something that will (not might) make things worse...

Looking back now, I screwed up big time in college.  Never joined much of anything.  I was terrified of joining any frat because I didn't want to go through another round of hazing rituals like the crap I endured in high school.  The problem was the frats were the social centers of the campus 'verse.  Basically knee-capped myself right there.  Rarely went out at night.  Didn't make many social acquaintances, not even really socializing much with my college roommate (nice guy, he had a social life compared to me, ended up normal).  I put myself in a corner, did my studies, and ended up the way I am now.  Lacking the social skills to connect with anybody else.

So here I am, Valentines Day yet again.  Struggling once in awhile to force myself (yeah, saying that sounds so wrong) to using dating services, speed dating, singles groups, etc.  I go to these gatherings and immediately find myself unable to socialize, unable to start up a conversation or join one in progress, the awkwardness starting up and sending myself off to the side somewhere to stay out of the way.  Kicking myself afterwards on the drive home wondering why I spent 50 bucks to go to a night club where I don't drink and can't dance and won't fit in.

I'd like to develop a social life, but I honestly don't know how.  It's not the brain knowing (my awareness that I am missing something that matters), it's not the heart knowing (I can feel the pain of the void), it's the soul not knowing that hurts the most.