humor

Lloyd and Too Little Too Late

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I just love this true family story, so I am sharing it again. I hope not too many of you have seen it. Many years ago, I had a Cousin Mavis, who’d inherited a really nice farm, together with her brother Beau, in an idyllic mountain valley.  She married Lloyd who greatly admired her farm.  They had a daughter, Sally.  Mavis quickly took issue with her husband’s carousing and tossed him out.  Quite willing and able to take care of herself, she continued to live happily on her farm with her brother Beau and Sally.  Beau did the majority of the farm work while Mavis taught school and kept the house running,   The three of them had a good life together, bumping along quite satisfactorily.  Beau never married though he was happy to keep company with a widow lady, saying, “No house was big enough for two women.”  In truth, I’m sure he felt he already had a wonderful homemaker who shared his expenses, a doting niece, and a prosperous farm he had no wish to divide. Her husband, Lloyd, was never quite reconciled to the divorce, realizing what a mistake he’d made in losing Mavis.  Though he never lost his penchant for women and drink, he bought land just across the road, building a house there so he’d have a chance to worm his way by into Mavis’ affections and be in his his daughter’s life .  Little Sally saw her father daily, just like he’d planned, but Lloyd made a point to keep an eye on what went on at Mavis’s place all the time.  Unfortunately, this gave Mavis a bird’s eye view of his social activities, not a wise move for a man seeking forgiveness from a wronged wife.  Despite his many raucous parties and interesting friendships, he was forever hopeful, lo these many years later, that today Mavis would welcome him back into her loving arms.  Whenever an unfamiliar vehicle drove up, Lloyd was sure to amble over to check the guest out.   The first time we visited her, Mavis said, “Oh Lordy, here comes Lloyd to see if y’all are my boyfriend.” Mavis, Beau, and Lloyd lived this way for more than fifty years, till the lovely Sally finally inherited both places, uniting them, as Lloyd had always hoped.

I Love this!

youtube.com/watch

Her Facts Didn’t Run

Our school was tiny. So tiny that even with two grades sharing a room and teacher, there were still usually less than fifteen students in the two grades.  The good news was, if you didn’t learn everything you should have in second grade math, you got another crack at it in third grade while the new second grade covered the same material.  Though each class used different books, the lessons sounded much the same. Continue reading →

Croc the Dog: A Hilarious Mealtime Experience

Our mastiff-lab mix came to live with us about seven years ago at the age of three at a svelte ninety pounds. Having no interest in body image or physical fitness once he moved into a childless home, he let himself go and started packing on the pounds. He eventually got up to a a roly-poly one hundred twenty-eight pounds. Though he continued to be proud of himself, we dreaded taking him to the vet. It wasn’t so bad if we got the portly vet, but the slim and trim vet fat dog-shamed us. I’m pretty sure she came close to mentioning our physiques, like dog like dog parent I guess.
we tried cutting back on the amount we fed him, but he begged for food incessantly .

After considerable suffering, I decided to can his food myself: one third each portions of lean meat, vegetables, and brown rice. The weight started to drop off. Over about three months, he’s lost twenty-eight pounds and is allergy-free. He gets a quart every morning and evening

.I thought you might like to see how my big dog Croc feels about his food. You needn’t watch the 4 minute 24 second video to get the idea. For the full experience, turn the sound up. He usually interrupts his meal half-way through to drink about a pint of water, not bothering to close his massive mouth before walking back to his food bowl, wetting four feet of kitchen floor en route. He never wastes a morsel of food, except maybe to get a smear on my white cabinet doors. He’s generally grateful enough after a meal to come kiss me.

Jump Frog

This guy poked his head up as I was just ready to plant. I jumped and shrieked like he was a monster. I wonder if he thought it was funny?

Andrew and Molly Part 25

They found Aggie on the cabin floor grimly clutching Bartle’s hand where he had collapsed. Blood leaked from his right ear. He made no response to Aggie’s pleas. The two little girls clung to Abbie’s dress tail, crying.

Perkins, the bondsman, and Andrew lifted the unresponsive man to the bed. Aggie gently got him settled and staunched the blood oozing from his ear. His breathing was raspy and irregular.

“I’ve seen this before,” pronounced Aggie glumly. “He’ll not live. He’s in God’s hands now.” Stoically, she pulled a chair to keep vigil.

Molly spoke to Rosemarie. “Take all the young ones over to my house and get them fed and abed. You’ll need to get supper for the men when their day is through. I’ll sit with Aggie.”

They sat quietly through the long evening. Aggie broached the subject of Andrew’s return. “Bartles deeply grieved Andrew’s capture. We had come to love you both and feared for your future. We were overjoyed when Master Wharton married you and took you under his protection. Your babes have filled our hearts with love. When Andrew returned, Bartles hoped you’d be joined again in marriage.”

Molly answered Aggie. “I loved Andrew. I prayed for his return. Things are not so simple since I have children. I don’t even know if I am still married to Andrew since I married the master. If my marriage to the master was true, his land will go to my children. The reverend who insisted I marry is dead and cannot speak for me now. If I am still married to Andrew, I might be judged an adulterer and sold back into bondage. My children might be judged bastards. I could be jailed. If questions are raised, who knows where the law leaves either me or Andrew? I fear approaching the law. Who knows what will happen to me and my children?

My Heart’s on Fire!

I made this video at Mother’s independent living center at their monthly birthday party. At ninety- seven, she was the oldest one partying. Her best buddy, Chad, is such a party guy. He lives next door and makes sure she makes all meals and activities.

Traveling with Elderly Parents: Tips and Experiences

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I am traveling today so I am running an old post from several years ago.  Mother is not traveling with me today

Mother accompanied me to visit a relative a few months ago.  It was a route I flew often enough to get expedited security.  I explained to security I did not want to be separated from my elderly mother.  They saw her in her wheelchair, which she always requests for convenience.  She immediately put on her goofiest look, which is quite convincing.  Starting her Alzheimer’s act, she started firing questions at me and security.  They rushed her through.  Frankly, I considered abandoning her, she was making such a pest of herself.  I was glad when we got out of security and she got back to her normal goofy self.

Mistaken Identity

Eavesdropping is one of life’s great pleasures. My daughter-in-law was lucky enough to hear this exchange between some women in the elevator the other day.

“I don’t believe that story about Anne Frank.” the first woman asserted. This caught my daughter-in-law’s interest. She had wondered what a holocaust denier would look like.

“What are you talking about?” asked her companion. “Why on earth would you say that?”

“God wouldn’t make somebody deaf and blind!” said the first. “That would be too mean!”

“You’re so silly!” said woman #2. “You’re talking about Helen Keller! and it was true!”