May 17 2025. 'Twas that rare day this football fan lives to see- Middling Crystal Palace actually won the FA Cup! But even then I feared my joy would be brief, Such luck strikes but once in a blue moon, And surely it only happens to better richer teams?
August 11 2025. Our next season started off even more happily, Lowly Palace tripped Champions Liverpool up, Them high-falutin' Premier table toppers came to grief; 'Pool settled for the second place plastic spoon; How prettily at Palace that Community Shield gleams.
May 27 2026. Now, today, late in May, amazingly, preposterously, Humble Crystal Palace have won a European Cup!* It's unbelievable, inconceivable, it's beyond belief! I'm wondering if- when- I'll be rudely awoken soon? For this fan it's the stuff of his most fantastical dreams.
*OK, only the third tier European trophy, but when you've never seen anything like it before, and the trophy cabinet has sat dark dusty and empty for160 years...
'Waaay too much ecstasy for this one tiny mind to take in.'
'Was I wrong about the world, It's a brand new place, Where else could a creep like me Make such a pretty face? Feeling like the weight that weighed a ton Lifted off my shoulders now, My losing streak is done.' Eels, 'Losing Streak.'
Zero Interest, And After Investing Time And Money.
I've sat through many pointless professional football matches But what I've just seen stinks, I'd have been better off donning a couple of pirate eye patches And catching up on forty winks.
Crystal Palace versus West Ham United, upon a Monday night, A dire dead boring draw, Both teams just bad as the other, at least in my jaundiced sight, Nil-nil, zero-zero the fu final score.
Never have I been sat down and been bored so shi witless, I wound up feeling a numb ass, I swear to Jesus, Joseph and Mary, as God is my witness I'd druther've sat through Mass.
'Twas a match not to be gloriously enjoyed but grimly survived, Like watching oil paint dry, By the end of time I felt shit short changed and sleep deprived As I wiped a weary teary gritty eye.
‘Another day in the life of a Palace fan as the season tapers and totters away.’
'I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset, Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette And curse Sir Walter Raleigh He was such a stupid git.' The Beatles, 'I'm So Tired.'
Crystal Palace fans, welcome to the new year, Nothing here to cheer about now I sadly fear, The price of last years FA Cup win runs mighty steep, Our priceless Captain has been sold off- cheap Without a replacement full-back being enlisted; Our Chairman Steve Parish remains tight fisted, The only money you can try to prise out of his hand Is earmarked for Steve Parish's grandiose grandstand.
Now our team hasn't the players we desperately need To stave off looming relegation, much less succeed, For yesterdays heroes the good 'ol days are ending, Once Stevie's won his one FA Cup he's cutting spending.
It all went to Hell after that Sunderland loss, It all kicked off with our aggrieved Austrian boss, Ollie G heaved his toys out of the pram- JP says he's off to f- Foresty Nottingham, JP thinks he does deserve a big fat raise But he ain't scored in a month o' Saturdays, Someone has turned JP's big bald head- Our Frenchman couldn't score at Club Med.
So, let's enjoy our fading days of trophy winning glory, Then for us poor Palace fans- back to the same ol' sad story, So, last year was our biggest and brightest year of 'em all? So we trust Steve and the clubs tight owners to think small.
(Sorry, another football/soccer lament, and it pains me to write it- but hey, I'm a giver, and you can share my pain.) Cast of characters: Steve Parish, Chairman and cheapskate of the club. Oliver Glasner, current manager. From hero to zero in one rant-filled week. JP Mateta, semi-legendary striker who has proved to have feet of clay. Or concrete when it comes to him running and trying to put a football in the net.
‘Normal service has been resumed- and what a shit show it’s becoming.’
'I think I'm going down to the well tonight And I'm gonna drink till I get my fill, And I hope when I get old I don't sit 'round thinking about it But I probably will, Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture A little of those glory days, Yeah they'll pass you by Like the wink of a young girl's eye, Glory days.' Bruce Springsteen, 'Glory Days.'
When the football team you have long backed Usually leaves you sadly lost and gobsmacked, Those long hard night watches, come daybreak Leave one heading off to bed full of heartache.
Oh, what a glorious almightily beautiful morning That I have seen this rapturous morning in May! But believe you me, I'm giving you fair warning- Things may get pretty messy by the end o' the day.
Thru' the year this one felt different from before, There's been this strange rare feeling in the air, In this team dare we dream of something more? May this be the year that doesn't end in despair?
Hallelu, footballing history has just been happily made! For Crystal Palace have won the FA Cup Final- finally! For 164 years all such celebrations have been delayed- So I'm now 'cheersing' spiritually, beerily and winealy.
‘At last I can stand and let it aaaall wash over me.’
'Gonna get high man, listen to me, One drink ain't enough Jack, you better make it three, I wanna get drunk, I'm gonna make it real clear, I want one bourbon, one scotch and one beer.' George Thorogood And The Destroyers, 'One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer.'
High Hopes, Past Popes, Best Wishes, Deepest Prayers. (Aston Villa 0, Crystal Palace 3.)
There's been a game change this year at the Vatican State, The life-long fervent fan of football Francis is now, alas, late, And so those of us less beatific who too love the Beautiful Game Bow our heads in sorrow, but tomorrow life moves on all the same.
Believe me, it ain't easy being a faithful Crystal Palace fan, Most every football seasons end I end up a disappointed man, But this Sunday I feel a bright optimism I've not seen in a while; Is that odd look I see in my mirror the surprising hint of a smile?
When you've made your life in far off foreign fields and climes A true football fan has to get up to watch the Sky at crazy times,* A Premier game played in dear old Blighty at two in the afternoon** Has this Kiwi glued to his screen 'neath the light of the silv'ry moon.
But when my fragile Crystal Palace is on a rare FA Cup run And they've won and as I head off to bed with the rising sun Knowing that I might just finally see one glorious Cup Final win Maybe I can believe it is worth all the long lost hours I've put in?
For on this glad morning I can lay my worries to rest, For the Good Lord (or Whoever) hath heard my request, Amongst all the lamentations arising from the Vatican City He's heard the prayer of one fan, and what's more, shown pity.
For Crystal Palace may play with pluck But they do possess the suckiest sort of luck, We live in hope, but Lady Luck don't play fair; It's rare to see Palace in line for fine silverware.
As the News Channels keep up their 24 hour Pope report I believe I've witnessed a morning miracle of a sporting sort, This morning Crystal Palace vanquished Aston Villa at Wembley: I'd like to take this moment to thank God before the vast assembly.
For now this man can look forward to the blessed 18th of May, For three weeks friends and family will see a strange smile play 'cross a face that has seen more than its fair share of sad defeats, Since assuredly this must be the time old dreams and reality meet?
I'll be up early that Sunday morn watching that FA Cup final play out, We'll have us a jeroboam of chilled fine champagne ready to spray about, And if we win- then next Sunday- if my massive celebrations are through I'll nip into St Paddy's to give thanks... which, I confess, seems well overdue.
* Sky Television, our gold star Sporting TV provider. ** 'dear old Blighty' an oldish slang word for Great Britain.
(This team- at its best- does finally have a real chance of winning the Cup! They've been finalists twice before but have come up way short, second best twice. Third time's the charm, let's hope. Fingers crossed!)
‘Francis, you’re a fan, please put in a good word for us in passing?’
'Meeting every day with the rising sun, Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done, My losing streak is done, I said my losing streak is done.' Eels 'Losing Streak.'
What A Sight, Seeing the Season Go South. (Newcastle United 5, Crystal Palace 0.)
As the Crystal Palace fans gathered down at the station Before bounding aboard the London To Newcastle train, Most loudly called their last bad loss at Man City 'a mere aberration,' 'We'll have bagged three points once we return back again.'
They all sat back in slack jawed awe at St James' Park As the Palace players put on a uniformly awful display, At the final whistle blast the stunned fans fu- faded off into the dark, A Five to Nil loss certainly puts paid to a good day away.
'Twas a sad and sober trip back down to Old London Town, Does not the grey dead leaden silence tell its own sorry tale? A mute commute, bar the track's clickety clack and the odd snuffling sound; And so ends another long pointless sad bad trip riding British Rail.
‘C’mon you lead footed Palace players, get on board, stop dragging your feet.’
'Now I ain't got nothing but a ticket out of town, Things have gotten worse, and now I'm feeling down, Underneath the streetlight, waiting for the midnight train Whistling the blues in the rain, Yeah, I'm whistling the blues in the rain.' Hammond Gamble, 'Whistling The Blues In The Rain.'
How To Manage A Zoo Keeper. (Crystal Palace 3, Millwall 1.)
It was five minutes in after the match started That the big FA Cup game really kicked off...
The Mighty Millwall Lions goalkeeper earned a red card- Out of the safety of his penalty area Mr Roberts rashly sped, 'Keeper Robbo holds no Premier League player in high regard, Liam airily, effortlessly kicked two meter tall Mateta in the head!
Liam Roberts is all Millwall, he does nuffink half-hearted, And that head high ball was just asking to be picked off...
Millwall Manager Smart Alec claimed the tackle was 'fair but hard," Even as Mateta lay laid out, concussed, as his poor bloody head bled, "I'm (not) sorry if his big bald plug ugly head is permanently scarred," "Part of playing a red-blooded contact sport," saith Alex, the wise head.
Alex looked pole-axed as his red carded 'keeper departed, Indeed Millwall's Manager looked positively pissed ticked off.
"But Referee, this contest between gentlemen you have marred," "It's not my good 'keepers fault a drop of A Negative has been shed." (Actually it's Common Assault, even in some Millwall street back yard,) "You're blind Referee, can't you see it's only a rush of blood to the head?''
'A mere slip of the tongue?'
'I couldn't feel any better or I'd be sick, Tell me quick, ain't that a kick in the head?' Dean Martin, 'Ain't That A Kick In The Head.'
Left sick of all his empty talk Finally Manchester United have handed Ten Hag the sack, Fans and Board (for once) in accord, and with just cause.
Though his has been a long slow walk My Red-eyed friends and I are left ecstatic, seeing his back, Finally Erics last (sad) act deserves a full round of applause.
'Cheers Eric.'
'I can't pretend that I'm not down, I show it, I know it, I've been a fool more than once, more than twice, I'm gonna move to a new town where the people are nice.' Split Enz 'I Hope I Never.'
One Job, Deano, Just One! (Nottingham Forest 1- Palace O.)
After last year's exhilarating late season fun run Crystal Palace's traditional downhill slide has begun, All the shame ol' mistakes have returned to haunt us, And this night Wood of Forest turned up to taunt us.*
Nottingham Forest's shot-stopper played a blinder, Our shot-dropper gave all who saw him a reminder Why Forest, who'd owned Deano on loan for a season Thought he'd be a bad fit for Forest- with good reason.
Tonight Dean Henderson had one dead easy shot to save, And yet his limp-wristed wafting turned into a languid wave, 'Tis true, he had turned and spun- like a 400 tonne oil tanker... But no ball should slip past the grasp of our defensive wanker anchor.
Woody's tame effort was a slow bobbling mishit shot, A bit of a doddle for good ol' Deano to claim, was it not? Such a simple save- then came a clamour of cheers and jeers, The ball sat in the net, Deano sat, holding in nothing but tears.
Such fun for the Forest fans to see lumbering Henderson Fumbling like a sloth a'waking from slumbering in the sun, But can I really lay all this defeat at Hendo's hands and feet? For to call our four attackers an elite strike force is a conceit.
Sarr, Kamada, Mateta and Nketiah's offence is mild and meek, And it's past time for Eze to put an end to his long losing streak, But if Deano does want us, his fans, to stop ranting and raving He'd better give up charitably gifting and start properly saving.
*Chris Wood, top scorer for Nottingham Forest.
‘Same story, different season, Palace flatter to deceive. And still us fools believe.’
"Did you hear 'em talkin' 'bout it on the radio, Could your eyes believe the writing on the wall Did that voice inside you say 'I've heard it all before' It's like Deja Vu all over again." John Fogerty 'Deja Vu All Over Again.'
The Eagle Has Crash-landed. (Another in the chronicles of a madder-than-Hell Crystal Palace Football Club fan.)
After this Eagles fan looked out o'er last years giddy end-of-season highs The Sky Sports team returns me back to the usual new season's woes, After another loss my rush to resubscribe to Sky looks none too wise, But Palace's usual on-field hit-and-miss service has resumed I suppose. And, hopefully, we shall overcome!
Yet already 'two games played, two games lost' gives me pause... Four gift-wrapped goals scored agin us, a single goal we've scored, My expensive Sky subscription looks sadly like my latest lost cause, Palace's penny dreadful Reality Horror Shows I can't bear, or afford. Ugly fact is, 'tis a pretty sum.
Still, I, along with many other long hard seasoned Palace piss optimists Follow this fickle team with a kind of passion that defies the logical mind, Oh, I'll rant and rave, scream in despair, tear at my hair, pound my fists- Mine's a love of the crazy kind- I may smash my screen, but love is blind. Or, as my wife says, dumb.
‘Another Shatterday- another dollar, another result that’s hard to swallow.’
'I see it, Do you see it? Can't you see it, See that warning in that stormy sky, But perhaps it's gonna pass us by.' The Kinks 'Stormy Sky.'
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