Observant Bystander

OK, so I don’t know much about the Bible. I think that’s because I was never tested on the material. For instance, I couldn’t tell you who Bathsheba, was but I think she’s got a really fabulous name. Very sophisticated. I can imagine her on the phone, ringing up one of her cosmopolitan friends – “Hello dah-ling, Bathsheba here. What’s say we get together for some drinks later? Mah-velous! Chau darling; kisses to Methusulah..”

And what about Sodom & Gomorrah? I’m pretty sure they’re cities, right? And they must have been real close to each other cause they’re always referred to as Sodom AND Gomorrah, like Minneapolis/St. Paul. I also think they were like the Old Testament version of Sin City, so maybe they had the motto, “Whatever happens in Sodom & Gomorrah stays in Sodom & Gomorrah.” Another factoid is that this is where the words sodomy and gonorrhea came from. So it was a pretty wild place.

A few years ago I thought it would be fun to read the Left Behind book series. It’s a modern-day version of the book of Revelation, or in the words of the Religious Right, THE END TIMES. Ooooh, scary. That way, I could learn a little bit about the New Testament. Cool! Also, who can resist a good, juicy story about plagues and bloody rain and other horrible things like that? I think there are at least 100 of these books cause they’ve been coming out for about 10 years now and they’re STILL not done with the damn story. I stuck it out through the first 5 of these incredibly bad, poorly written books and what I really got out of them was this:

Unless you’re a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, you’d be better off just killing yourself now. YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT TO HEAVEN.

Think about it folks , if Terri Schiavo is a Catholic she’s gonna go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks NO MATTER WHEN SHE DIES. If Terri is a Jew, same thing. Muslim – same thing. Buddhist: no fuckin’ way Jose. Even if her mom can manage to sneak ice cream into her hospital room for the next 20 years to keep her alive, she’s still going to burn in the fiery pits of hell. I think that if there is a hell, being brain-dead would probably be a good thing. Lucky Terri.

Anyway like I said, I stopped reading after the 5th book, mainly because the writing is sooooo bad, but also because the author is such an obvious bigot. I overhead a conversation the other day where one woman was going on and on about how much she JUST LOVED the Left Behind Series and how they were her FAVORITE BOOKS OF ALL TIME. The scary part is that about a billion people agree with her, which goes to show you just how bad most people’s judgment is and just how few books most people read in their lifetime.

As for me, I think I’ll crack open my New Testament tonight and see if I can figure out this Easter story…

As you read this, the Christian world is busy preparing to celebrate Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection. Today is Maundy Thursday and I don’t know what that means but I think it’s kind of like Chrismas Eve, only it’s Good Friday Eve. Anyway, I can’t say Maundy Thursday, or even think the words Maundy Thursday without humming the Mama & the Papas song, “Monday, Monday”, or as I like to call it, “Maundy, Maundy.”

Then there’s Good Friday, but I don’t know what was so good about it except Jesus and all his homies had dinner together. Then Jesus gets all Psychic Hotline & stuff, saying one of them was gonna royally ‘dis him to the Roman cops, and the disciples are all like “no way dude”, so then Jesus has to explain to them exactly how it was gonna go down. And then it supposedly happened exactly that way.

OK, then there’s Saturday and I’m pretty sure it’s called Holy Saturday and I guess that’s the day Jesus was crucified. Then the next day’s Easter and that’s really important cuz that’s when Jesus goes up to heaven – Bye-bye suckers.

Anyway, I’ve probably got some of this wrong but what do you expect?

So as I said before, most Christians are busy thinking about crucifixion and resurrection and which church service to attend and what color shoes will match their new dress – stuff like that. My family is having a big lunch so we’re doing a lot of thinking about food. As for me, I’m just trying to decide whether to bake a cake or just take the stuff to make some really kick-ass mimosas.

If this is as good as it gets when you’re brain dead, y’all have my permission to just freakin’ shoot me dead. I’d rather not spend my ENTIRE LIFE with my mouth hanging open like the idiot I am.

Today our twentysomething male warehouse assistant held up a ZipLock bag (gallon size) full of some kind of cooked meat and said: “Hey Karen, look what I gots for lunch.” I’m not exactly sure how I was supposd to respond to that. Perhaps, “Wow dude, that sure is a big bag of cooked animal flesh. You must be terribly proud.” Really, is there a correct response to that?

Homeostasis is the property of an open system, especially living organisms, to regulate its internal environment so as to maintain a stable condition, by means of multiple dynamic equilibrium adjustments controlled by interrelated regulation mechanisms.

Financeostasis – the property of a person’s financial system to regulate its various bank accounts so as to maintain a constant debtor condition by means of multiple crises controlled by interrelated karmic mechanisms.

This has come to be known in my household as Karen’s First Law of Financial Equilibrium which states: “A set level of indebtedness must exist at all times. Thus, if the organism attempts to decrease debt levels, a crisis (or series of crises) will develop to bring the debt back to its former level.

This can be illustrated with the following Word Problem:
Ms. X’s Credit card debt is $2000. Ms.X receives a $2000 IRS refund which she uses to pay the credit card debt. What will occur next?

A. Ms. X will SAVE the money she previously used to pay credit card charges each month and in 1 year has $2000.00 in her savings account.

B. Ms. X is able to donate $150.00 per month to charity.

C. Ms. X experiences a number of household emergencies that magically add up to $2000 and must be charged on a credit card.

If you answered A or B, you are stupid. Those things never happen.

Here are some things I don’t get.

1. What does steroird use by baseball players have to do with Congress? Why the hell are our elected representatives channeling Barbara Walters and making Mark McGuire cry on camera by asking him personal questions? You’d think that sports figures were personally responsible for affecting our GNP. Oops, I guess they are!

2. Why, oh why, is Molly Hatchet one of the top 5 “Search Movers” on MSN. Are they even still together, and if so, why would they EVER generate enough interest NATIONWIDE to hit in the top 5 search movers?

3. Why does ABC have a new show about the trials and tribulations of a BLIND POLICEMAN? Since when have blind people been eligible to be cops anyway? Isn’t that an occupation where being able to see would be kind of, oh let’s see, essential to doing the job??? And do we really want a blind policeman driving around in a Crown Victoria WITH A LOADED GUN, pissed off because somebody shot his eyes out? I think this is a really dumb idea.

Fast food salads, I have discovered, are really pretty good. The problem is that they load them with those new kind of grape tomatoes – looks like a grape but it’s red and it’s really a tomato – and about 50% of the time they’re rotten. So you’re really chowing down and all of a sudden you bite down on one of these rotten fuckers and it’s like you just bit into the contents of an entire garbage dump. Then what do you do? Do you go ahead and swallow real fast just to get the taste OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? Or do you spit it out? And if you decide to spit it out, you’re frantically looking around for a napkin or something and in the meantime this rotten/garbage dump-tasting thing is in your mouth and your’re about to puke. You really have to watch out for those things.

Last night Ken & I went to my son Julian’s band concert. For some reason it wasn’t at the usual venue for our high school band concerts, but was held instead at the local Baptist MegaChurch.

MegaChurch.

Now there’s a true postmodern-type word for you, like Mega Latte, or MegaPlex, or MegaDeath. Only in this country have churches been megasized, at the same time corporations are downsizing. “Depressed about losing your job? Don’t worry, worship with thousands of others like you this Sunday in a church that takes up several city blocks!.”

Feel the warmth.

The parking lots surrounding this structure can and do hold thousands of cars, and it’s well-known that on Sunday mornings many policemen are hired to direct all those thousands of fossil fuel-burning cars in and out of the parking lot so total vehicular chaos doesn’t erupt and cause a traffic jam the likes of which this town has never seen. That would be called a MegaClusterfuck.

Even though there certainly were a lot of cars at church on a normal Tuesday night, traffic-directing policemen were not necessary, and we got us a dandy parking spot right in the front acre of the parking lot. It was a lot like going to the mall, and once inside, it was a lot like BEING in a mall. “Wow honey, they have a BOOKSTORE.” “Ohmygod they have a COFFEESHOP.” “Look, there’s a daycare center.”

No, I decided, it wasn’t just like being in a mall. It was more like being in a small town. Unfortunately, time was short and the concert was about to start, so we couldn’t spend anymore time sightseeing on Jesus Street.

Entering the “Worship Center” where the concert was being held was like walking into Kemper Arena. It was big. Hell, it was enormous. I think the entire population of a small Aisian country could fit in that room. I could imagine entire Aisian family units bringing in their hibachis, cooking up some noodles and fish, visiting the bookstore, catching a latte on the way to the daycare center, then rolling out their pallets on the floor and bedding down for a good night’s sleep – just another day in paradise. I engaged this wonderful fantasy while the bands played their pieces and Ken winced in pain everytime he heard the band go flat (he has perfect pitch. I hate him for that). I was enjoying imagining myself moving into this little utopia, being adopted by a pleasant, smiling Aisian family , and eventually being elected President and Supreme Ruler Of The Land, when I felt Ken nudging me back to reality. “Hey” he said, pointing up at the ceiling. “Isn’t that a Disco Ball??”

A DISCO BALL?

I looked up. YES IT CERTAINLY WAS A DISCO BALL!!!
Hanging above the main stage.
What the hell did Baptists need with a disco ball? Especially since they don’t even allow DANCING? (I think). Do Baptists regularly incorporate laser light shows in their services? Was I missing something here??? Have Baptists become the New Hip Religion?

“You know” he said, “they have a Saturday night service here…”

Ohmygod. it all became clear to me then. The disco ball is for Saturday Night Fever Services/Laser Light Show Extravaganzas. This would be a real draw for the youngsters. A great way to lure your sullen, slovenly, anarchist teenager to church by draping worship in a cheesy 70s cliche. In-ter-es-ting.

We spent the rest of the concert pondering the many uses a disco ball could serve in church and I felt wistful as we left the building to search for our car so we could return to our dark, dank, sad lives outside of the comforting womb-like atmosphere of MegaUtopia. “Goodbye Disco Ball,” I thought. “Goodbye bookstore.” “Goodbye Christian Connection Coffeeshop.” “Goodbye daycare center.” And with a true sadness, I bid goodbye to my adopted Aisian family.

I enjoyed being your Supreme Leader.

I’ve known my best friend Tracy since we were both 19 year old nymphets prancing around in halter tops and short shorts. We’ve been together for 28 years and can finish each other’s sentences.

Example: Part of a conversation we had this past weekend:

T: “Do you ever wonder about any of our old boyfriends?”

Me: “Sure”

T: “Don’t you wonder how they -“

Me: “ever made something out of their lives after us?”

T: “Yeah”

Me: ” I feel sorry for them, you know, having to live their lives -“

T: “without us? Yeah, I agree. You just gotta feel sorry for em.”

New post in my Spam folder in my Yahoo email account alerts me to “Please verify you auto prescription refill of Viagra”. This is about as useful as emails directing me to products that will increase the size of my penis.

How about something I can actually use? Like a drug I can slip into my teenage son’s food to make him WANT to talk to me. Or bifocal contacts I can actually see out of. Or a cable service that doesn’t include sports channels. Or a way I could tell if I’m about to run into my ex-husband at the grocery store/hardware store/video store/wherever.