Why.

Folks I can’t write.

I have sat and racked my brains and cannot come up with words to put on paper to match what is in my heart.

And I can’t stop seeing images of brutally murdered, starved, shot, mutilated children. I can’t stop feeling sickened every single day that these killings are being justified because ‘hamas’ or ‘hostages’.

So twenty hostages justifies these horrific mind games the IDF are currently playing on Palestinians in Gaza (and the West Bank!?). Killing over 100,000 people (and yes even more than that. Whoever believes the bullshit 40,000 dead that the media has been spouting for two years is tripping and utterly ignorant. It’s well over 100,000 dead, closer to 500,000 – studies have proved this – there are hundreds and thousands of people buried under rubble who are unaccounted for. It’s a GENOCIDE.)

Babies lying on hospital floors with intestines spilling out, clearly dead, while other babies stagger around with blood on their faces and nappies looking for comfort that adults are too injured and distressed to give.

Snipers aiming to shoot babies every day – making it a sport, so doctors are seeing tens of babies shot in the head one day, and then dozens of babies shot in the leg another day, followed by a third day where it seems they played the target game of ‘shoot em all in the stomach’ – so all the injuries appear in a pattern.

Settlers ripping people from their homes illegally but with no accountability from their evil government or the international community. Settlers blocking aid to Gaza by using their own children as human shields to block the roads so aid cannot enter. ISRAEL blocking aid but then blaming the UN, when everyone knows ISRAEL alone is responsible for who goes into or out of Gaza, because they, as the occupying force, have full control of its borders.

Yet somehow this is justified because Hamas needs to ‘release the hostages’?!

There’s more. There is more. They are starving, but the Ben Shapiros and Konstantin Kisins of this world say that is okay because INTELLECTUALLY, WHAT WOULD YOUR COUNTRY DO IF IT WAS ATTACKED LIKE ISRAEL WAS ON OCTOBER 7TH?!

Intellectually?

Intellectually, I would have the moral compass to see that debating supposed ‘facts’ while defending killing in cold blood is reprehensible. I certainly would not defend it and cloak my empty baseless sentences in meaningless justification.

And then the lovely people of the UK and US and elsewhere in their comfortable homes with trays of food on their fat bellies can sit there and stand with israel because their whiteness and colonial mindset is threatened.

They believed the lies about Iraq and Iran, and they are willingly swallowing the barbed lies about Palestine.

Oh I feel so angry.

But if we say anything we are antisemitic.

So no I have had no power or desire to write feathery meaningless short stories when I am watching the world become drenched in blood and watching people openly supporting it and justifying it. I cannot right now. My mind feels weak and furious and helpless.

Not Fat, Alive.

She gained a little weight. She added some more fat cells to her repertoire. Some cushioning pillow softness for a child to nestle its weary little head after a day full of exploring and playing. She increased in size, and when she looked out of the window on a summer’s day and saw John in the neighbouring garden, mowing his lawn, all she could think about were how pretty his roses had bloomed that year.

They nodded their colossal, yet surprisingly dainty heads in the gentle wind that blew like the breath of a matronly mother, overlooking her world. She had smile lines and her hugs were aplenty.

I am a matronly mother, thought she. It is me. I am her.

In the other garden, Minta sat sunbathing her cat. Well, Minta sat. On a rug she had dragged outdoors, wiping sweat from her brow as she did so in a show of how comical it was to lug a heavy rug out on the hottest day (so far) of the year. But once she laid it out it all began to make sense. She was as busy as a bee for about twenty minutes, walking indoors and then outdoors again a multitude of times until she had an array of her things laid out on her rug. Then she lay down for hours staring at the sky through a pair of sunglasses until her cat joined her. Spread itself out on her rug next to her. And there they laid together, surrounded by fast-melting iced water, several books of varied genre, a tub filled with strawberries of all sizes and hues of red, and a flask of something which, when Minta later poured the contents into a red mug, was very clearly piping hot milky tea.

She watched it all. Omnipresent, invisible. Yes, she had gained some pounds. Not of flesh, but perhaps her flesh had stretched out to accommodate the swelling of her fat cells. Too many tasty morsels that month, too little attention paid to what passed her lips. She sighed, and noted the line of pines in Mrs Gallstone’s garden. The children had hung thick rope from tree to tree, she wasn’t sure what they meant to do with it but there was a lot of commotion. High pitched arguing and planks of wood bouncing up and down behind the fence as children carried them to and fro. A life was being formed. Lives. Developed. Lived. Explored. Muddy feet and filthy fingernails and hearts pumping and chaos melting into cohesion. Language learnt. Words built, ideas cultivated, dredged, snatched and moulded into reality. Shaping a generation, for sure. Someone hit someone else on the head by accident, cue a series of wails, but soon all was well again.

Yes, yes, yes. She had piled on the fat. Her dress was a little tighter around her waist. But see? See how life carries on? See how she could step outside on the hottest day of the year and feel those warm rays on her face, how she could take a walk or read a book or drink something cold. Bathe the birds, paint the hues of the inevitable explosion of a sunset that this hot, yet cloud-tinged day promised them? Maybe smell the dusty rain when it finally fell later on in the twilight. Perhaps catch a glimpse of that person who brought her joy. Maybe a conversation with Mrs Gallstone… about her gallstones. Ironies of life. Oh they don’t wait for the pounds to melt away.

She threw her windows open, took a deep whiff of the lemony rose-scent that rose towards her on the little puffs of breeze, and went on to live her life in the joy only that summery sunshine after months of dull cloud can bring.

This was Day Seven of my Short Story Challenge. The why of which is outlined here, and the challenge of which is outlined here.

Graveyard of the mind

Where do dreams go to die?

Some would say in a kitchen sink, washed down the drain with soap suds and the remains of tragic, repetitive meals. In the clothes that hang on a line, caught by the wind and bending to its will. Some would say scattered in days of meaningless nothing, and the tide of exhaustion that prefaces small actions. Exertion, there is no joy in movement.

Some would say dreams wither away in wrong partnership. The population of a home, the psychological barriers to success. Dampening moods. Mountains of sugar. A big screen on the wall towards which all the furniture worships. Sucking the life force and innovation from growing minds. Clamours of attention silenced by the dim drone of a thousand 15-second videos booming like a steamroller through a mind already overwhelmed with the immense distractions of a world …

run by adults…

who are just making it all up as they go along.

Where do childhood dreams die? In a rising metropolis of buildings that use the sunlight to blind pedestrians to the sheerness of their height and magnitude, built of glass reflecting light like diamonds, blocking the view of the heavens beyond.

Is this a short story? Either way, I am adding it to my Short Story Challenge.

Monsters

Weaving through silky straight roads. Malevolent when they want to be. Reckless intent in the blaring horns. Arrogant confidence in the nose-to-rear jostling, small skinny limbs operating over half a tonne of machinery, music ricocheting around an empty skull. Move, move, move out of my way. Move, move, move, move. Nudge the car forward then brake, to the beat of the music. The stragglers scramble to get out of the way. Bullies bully the bullied.

A small man’s gargantuan car on the immense roads of Arabia. A camel against the dunes? Something far more sinister. High rises soaring above the roads, reflecting, reflective, twinkling lights and LED displays larger than life and devastatingly distracting.

They’re monsters, these little humble men with their generosity and hospitality. Beasts on the roads, in their imported cars. Larger than life, always have somewhere to go, teasing drivers, playing with them like a predator with its prey. Hooting horns, flashing lights, move move move, threading through the lanes like serpents.

A drunk driver won’t take you out here, it’s the reckless risk of the youth growing up in a world that tells them they will live forever.

This was Day Five of my Short Story Challenge. The why of which is outlined here, and the challenge of which is outlined here.

Fournager

“Layla”

“Yeah?”

“Love you”

“Ughhh Mama, I already know that! You don’t need to telllll me!”

Then, a few moments later, after some huffing and an eyeroll… “Love you TOO, MAMA!!!!

– 4 going on 14, and she carries on playing with her teddies.

Detail from John Singer Sargent’s painting “The Daughters of Edward Darley Boit,” at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.