Not Fat, Alive.

She gained a little weight. She added some more fat cells to her repertoire. Some cushioning pillow softness for a child to nestle its weary little head after a day full of exploring and playing. She increased in size, and when she looked out of the window on a summer’s day and saw John in the neighbouring garden, mowing his lawn, all she could think about were how pretty his roses had bloomed that year.

They nodded their colossal, yet surprisingly dainty heads in the gentle wind that blew like the breath of a matronly mother, overlooking her world. She had smile lines and her hugs were aplenty.

I am a matronly mother, thought she. It is me. I am her.

In the other garden, Minta sat sunbathing her cat. Well, Minta sat. On a rug she had dragged outdoors, wiping sweat from her brow as she did so in a show of how comical it was to lug a heavy rug out on the hottest day (so far) of the year. But once she laid it out it all began to make sense. She was as busy as a bee for about twenty minutes, walking indoors and then outdoors again a multitude of times until she had an array of her things laid out on her rug. Then she lay down for hours staring at the sky through a pair of sunglasses until her cat joined her. Spread itself out on her rug next to her. And there they laid together, surrounded by fast-melting iced water, several books of varied genre, a tub filled with strawberries of all sizes and hues of red, and a flask of something which, when Minta later poured the contents into a red mug, was very clearly piping hot milky tea.

She watched it all. Omnipresent, invisible. Yes, she had gained some pounds. Not of flesh, but perhaps her flesh had stretched out to accommodate the swelling of her fat cells. Too many tasty morsels that month, too little attention paid to what passed her lips. She sighed, and noted the line of pines in Mrs Gallstone’s garden. The children had hung thick rope from tree to tree, she wasn’t sure what they meant to do with it but there was a lot of commotion. High pitched arguing and planks of wood bouncing up and down behind the fence as children carried them to and fro. A life was being formed. Lives. Developed. Lived. Explored. Muddy feet and filthy fingernails and hearts pumping and chaos melting into cohesion. Language learnt. Words built, ideas cultivated, dredged, snatched and moulded into reality. Shaping a generation, for sure. Someone hit someone else on the head by accident, cue a series of wails, but soon all was well again.

Yes, yes, yes. She had piled on the fat. Her dress was a little tighter around her waist. But see? See how life carries on? See how she could step outside on the hottest day of the year and feel those warm rays on her face, how she could take a walk or read a book or drink something cold. Bathe the birds, paint the hues of the inevitable explosion of a sunset that this hot, yet cloud-tinged day promised them? Maybe smell the dusty rain when it finally fell later on in the twilight. Perhaps catch a glimpse of that person who brought her joy. Maybe a conversation with Mrs Gallstone… about her gallstones. Ironies of life. Oh they don’t wait for the pounds to melt away.

She threw her windows open, took a deep whiff of the lemony rose-scent that rose towards her on the little puffs of breeze, and went on to live her life in the joy only that summery sunshine after months of dull cloud can bring.

This was Day Seven of my Short Story Challenge. The why of which is outlined here, and the challenge of which is outlined here.

On Gumption and Psychoanalysis

Sometimes I like to think I am a smart dream interpreter. That ethereal kind who dances in sunbeams and is enchanted by the full moon, and a starry sky can captivate her for hours. She can whimsically attach meaning to the musings of one’s mind while they are asleep. People too. We call it psychoanalysis don’t we? None of this is real. In actuality I am a bumbling, mumbling mother who has a giant corn on the side of her foot and drinks half her weight in coffee everyday even though it’s supposedly not good for you and is desperately trying to hold onto the flimsy threads of… self worth? Sanity? Sense of self? I am disorganised, chaotic, tired, and consistently absent minded. But I do like to psychoanalyse a bit. Perhaps it’s the writer in me?


It’s all in good fun. I don’t take it seriously. Sometimes I do if it’s about someone who has upset me, like my mother or my sister, but then the cloud will lift and I will see a new perspective and anyway, some thoughts are best kept to oneself. Or tucked neatly away between coffee stained pages of a diary, scribbled in a moment of agony under the careless doodle of a snoozing cat.

Last night I had a dream that I tried to travel somewhere (sans kids… who would have ever thought? Certainly not real-life, present-moment me) and I didn’t have my passport. The security person told me it was alright, he was sure they could manage something, and my husband and I went to another desk. We spent the entire dream sorting out my passport issue and didn’t actually get to our destination in the end. It was meant to be Greece. We didn’t get to fly to Greece because I woke up in the small hours after being directed to yet another desk at this vast dream airport, and hauled myself out of bed to get ready for a coffee-fuelled gym session.

What does that all mean? That I let silly boundaries that I put in place myself stop me from achieving what I want to achieve, and I am complacent about it. My mum would say it’s called ‘having no gumption’.

Beach With People Walking And Boats By Vincent Van Gogh

Always Tired

I hit thirty years old this year and I am always tired. Do these two facts correlate? Or is one a causation of the other? I exercise regularly and watch my diet (not my sugar intake, though, so that might be something to keep an eye on). I try to sleep early.. in fact I find I can no longer make myself stay awake till stupid o’clock anymore, my eyes close of their own accord between 8pm and 9pm so if my kids are playing up and not sleeping on time… I fall asleep anyway. As my mum says… they put ME to bed!

I don’t know if it is because I am aging physically.. or if it is due to the fact that my age naturally assumes more responsibility in many aspects of life and motherhood, and that is what is making me more tired.

My mother in law innocently asked me if I was taking my iron but I was obnoxious in my thought response to that. Why assume I ought to be taking iron? Why, I asked her, do I look anaemic? No, no, was her kindly response, it’s just that iron deficiency causes fatigue.

Could be. Could well be.

Anyway I am just typing this out to post something. My kid ran out barefoot into the garden again, when he is supposed to be here with me doing his maths. Off I go to chase him…

Hmm, maybe it’s the constant chasing and nagging of my children that is making me tired…

Curiousity

Yesterday the cat returned through the open window in the front room. She shocked us all, even the owner who came several times, I assure you, worry stricken, to call for her baby. She has returned more confident than ever, but is still spooked about the rest of the rooms in the house. She is getting used to us, though.

This morning I sat with her on my lap, singing to her. She licked my fingers. I was so touched until I remembered I had been making tuna sandwiches beforehand. So much for catterly affection, eh.

We are tremendously pleased that she has returned, of course, and we are loathe to let her go again before we get her a GPS collar. Just until she gets used to us. It shan’t be long. Then she can traverse the neighbourhood as she pleases.

I can’t believe she knew to come back to us, though, despite only being with us for three days! She is a gorgeous thing with beautiful eyes and the most delightfully clean coat ever, spotted with black and ginger and white. She is perfect.

Nine Days

Cats have nine lives. Maybe I could be a cat, and each day could represent a life. A life is a very long time, folks. It is certainly long enough to revise for a final exam comprising of several literary books from several different eras.

The rest of the lives I could use for much needed revision.

Nine days is not enough, how do cats do it.

Speaking of cats. Oh sigh. Such a big big sigh. I am miserable.

My inlaws got a cat on Thursday. She is a beautiful little thing, around five years old, and we’d got her from a lady who is travelling for two years. They say you shouldn’t let cats out for the first two weeks because they need to settle, and they would only just try to find their way to the home they know if they are let out.

So we were terribly vigilant about keeping doors and windows shut.

The darling little creature stuck only to the front room, where she hid under the sofa at first, but then gradually began to come out and lounge on the window sill and meander around the room, letting us tickle behind her ears and stroke her soft, warm fur.

We tried to make her go into other rooms but she would always race back to the front room. She still needed to get used to the place.

This morning at 6am I opened the kitchen window, closing both kitchen doors so she wouldn’t come in. I knew she wouldn’t anyway, she never left the living room! But, you know, just in case.

I accidentally left the window open when I left. It was only a sliver. But I am sure enough for any kitty to get through.

I got a text from my sister in law when I was in another city at around 8am asking if I had seen the cat.

She is missing.

I feel so so awful and terrible and weighed down because I think it is all my fault. My husband thinks it might not be me, because his dad went out late at night and left the front door open. But it might be me. And everybody thinks it is me. And the cat is missing, and her old home is more than 20 minutes away in the car.

I am so worried that I can’t focus on my revision for my exam in nine days, and I know everybody will blame me and the kids will hold a grudge against me (because they are the kind of kids to do that, at least one of them is) and the poor cat wandering about all lost and scared in new surroundings and it’s all just awful awful awful.

Poor kitty.