Not Fat, Alive.

She gained a little weight. She added some more fat cells to her repertoire. Some cushioning pillow softness for a child to nestle its weary little head after a day full of exploring and playing. She increased in size, and when she looked out of the window on a summer’s day and saw John in the neighbouring garden, mowing his lawn, all she could think about were how pretty his roses had bloomed that year.

They nodded their colossal, yet surprisingly dainty heads in the gentle wind that blew like the breath of a matronly mother, overlooking her world. She had smile lines and her hugs were aplenty.

I am a matronly mother, thought she. It is me. I am her.

In the other garden, Minta sat sunbathing her cat. Well, Minta sat. On a rug she had dragged outdoors, wiping sweat from her brow as she did so in a show of how comical it was to lug a heavy rug out on the hottest day (so far) of the year. But once she laid it out it all began to make sense. She was as busy as a bee for about twenty minutes, walking indoors and then outdoors again a multitude of times until she had an array of her things laid out on her rug. Then she lay down for hours staring at the sky through a pair of sunglasses until her cat joined her. Spread itself out on her rug next to her. And there they laid together, surrounded by fast-melting iced water, several books of varied genre, a tub filled with strawberries of all sizes and hues of red, and a flask of something which, when Minta later poured the contents into a red mug, was very clearly piping hot milky tea.

She watched it all. Omnipresent, invisible. Yes, she had gained some pounds. Not of flesh, but perhaps her flesh had stretched out to accommodate the swelling of her fat cells. Too many tasty morsels that month, too little attention paid to what passed her lips. She sighed, and noted the line of pines in Mrs Gallstone’s garden. The children had hung thick rope from tree to tree, she wasn’t sure what they meant to do with it but there was a lot of commotion. High pitched arguing and planks of wood bouncing up and down behind the fence as children carried them to and fro. A life was being formed. Lives. Developed. Lived. Explored. Muddy feet and filthy fingernails and hearts pumping and chaos melting into cohesion. Language learnt. Words built, ideas cultivated, dredged, snatched and moulded into reality. Shaping a generation, for sure. Someone hit someone else on the head by accident, cue a series of wails, but soon all was well again.

Yes, yes, yes. She had piled on the fat. Her dress was a little tighter around her waist. But see? See how life carries on? See how she could step outside on the hottest day of the year and feel those warm rays on her face, how she could take a walk or read a book or drink something cold. Bathe the birds, paint the hues of the inevitable explosion of a sunset that this hot, yet cloud-tinged day promised them? Maybe smell the dusty rain when it finally fell later on in the twilight. Perhaps catch a glimpse of that person who brought her joy. Maybe a conversation with Mrs Gallstone… about her gallstones. Ironies of life. Oh they don’t wait for the pounds to melt away.

She threw her windows open, took a deep whiff of the lemony rose-scent that rose towards her on the little puffs of breeze, and went on to live her life in the joy only that summery sunshine after months of dull cloud can bring.

This was Day Seven of my Short Story Challenge. The why of which is outlined here, and the challenge of which is outlined here.

I Want to be Thin

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And it’s on my mind everyday.

Sometimes I get upset about it, and that makes me go for an ASDA smart price chocolate bar in D’s snack drawer. Sometimes it doesn’t stop at just one smart price chocolate bar. Sometimes it’s two or three plus a mini Kit Kat and a mug of coffee…. with sugar!

But I want to be thin.

I want to be slender and graceful and flowy like those 1920s women in their straight dresses.

I want to have thin arms, and thighs that look smooth and tight and shapely beneath my clothes.

I don’t want my extra bits.

So I try to cycle them away.

I gym them away.

They do like to persevere. An odd pokey bit here, a spillage over my jeans, thighs that are a little too large for my fancy, squidgy bits under my arms..

Maybe it’s not healthy to obsess about it like I do. In fact it definitely probably isn’t. But the way I see it is like this: Never settle for anything less than perfection.

My body is not perfection. And I have no excuses, other than laziness and one too many chocolate bars. Also lack of will power.

So, I won’t. Settle. For anything less than perfection in my eyes.

 

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Muscle Mania

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Iron Girl by Dani Jennings

 

We woke up this morning to malignant ice covering every surface. It appeared to have sprouted it’s frosty tendrils overnight, like some sort of arctic fungus, through roads, pavements, cars and roofs. The whole world was blanketed with a frosty white. The air was sharp with cold. The biting kind, that creeps up on you when you least expect it, and causes your fingers to go numb.

The ache in my muscles is raw.

Today is a rest day.

I have been going to the gym every day this past week. My clothes are saturated in sweat by the end of it. I feel pumped and happy, even though the pain is near unbearable.

I got up and pottered about, getting ready to leave the house. As I pulled off my pyjamas, and stood in front of the mirror under the harsh white light of the bedroom, I noticed how wobbly my legs were. They weren’t exactly shapeless, but in the mirror I could see that the skin was not smooth and tight over my muscles. There was fat in places there hadn’t been before, and the shape wasn’t as streamlined as I like to imagine. In fact, I realised that although I had already put in so much work, there was still a very very long way to go.

They feel amazing though. My legs. All my muscles ache and ache, I can feel them slowly tightening. So at the moment I don’t care the they don’t look that great. I am getting there, slowly but surely. I can feel it, that’s all that matters right now.

Tomorrow is Abs and Arms day!

My mother in law very kindly made me a sandwich and gave me a snickers bar to take with me,  the latter of which I slipped into my husband’s drawer when she left. Clean eating, I thought to myself, is the only way to see satisfying results, rather than only feel them.