Now that I am straight, I decided it was high time that I started reading the literature of my people. As such, I was reading Ayn Rand’s first novel We the Living, and guess who makes a cameo?

Historians will write of the “Internationale” as the great anthem of the revolution. But the cities of the revolution had their own hymn. In days to come, the men of Petrograd will remember those years of hunger and struggle and hope — to the convulsive rhythm of “John Gray.”

It was called a fox-trot. It had a tune and a rhythm such as those of the new dances far across the border, abroad. It had very foreign lyrics about a very foreign John Gray whose sweetheart Kitty spurned his love for fear of having children, as she told him plainly. Petrograd had known sweeping epidemics of cholera; it had known epidemics of typhus, which were worse; the worst of its epidemics was that of “John Gray.”

-p. 154

The revolution in question is the Russian revolution that brought the Communists to power. It turns out Rand is not fond of communism, given that she spent formative years living through the Russian revolution and apparently had her father’s business confiscated by the State.

It turns out that John Gray makes more than a cameo in the book. In her characteristically deft and understated way, Rand beats us over the head with the song any time she wants to juxtapose the rhetoric of the glorious Communist Revolution with the miserable way people living under the Revolution actually lived.

And what does this “John Gray” sound like, I hear you ask? Fortunately for you, the capitalist pig-dogs at Youtube have made it available:

Now that I am straight I guess it is time for me to learn how straight relationships work. This seems like a lot of work, but fortunately Mike in Missouri (the dear!) provided a cheat sheet: he published a marital scale that accurately and objectively lists the properties spouses appreciate and do not appreciate in each other. Unfortunately the JPEG he published was difficult to read, so as part of my penance I have transcribed it. Perhaps you will be able to use these criteria to evaluate and improve your own straight relationships.

Carefully note the weightings that Dr Crane assigns to each question. I find the most heavily-weighted one particularly interesting.

Dr Crane describes the test at the bottom of the page, and gives the scoring at the top. I include both at the top, and only include the text for the husband text, as the wifely text is the same with the genders reversed.

Also note that Dr Crane’s rating scale is non-negative. A bold assumption! (There is a reason I shall never be a husband or a wife, I guess.)

Marital Rating Scale

George W. Crane, Ph. D., M.D.

Introductory Text

In computing the score, check the various items under DEMERITS which fit the husband and add the total. Each item counts one point unless specifically weighted, as in the parentheses. Then check the items under MERITS which apply. Now subtract the DEMERIT score from the MERIT score. The result is the husband’s raw score. Interpret it according to this table:

Raw Scores/Interpretation

• 0 – 24 : Very Poor (Failures)
• 25 – 41 : Poor
• 42 – 58: Average
• 59-75 : Superior
• 76 and up : Very superior

This test represents the composite opinions of 600 wives who were asked to list the chief merits and demerits regarding their husbands. They talked frankly. I have summarized the most frequently voiced flaws and virtues and have weighted those items which, in my judgment as a psychologist and physician, are especially important in marriage. I commend this test to the attention of all intelligent men who aspire to make their marriages both permanent and happy. Young men contemplating matrimony might very profitably use this test as a practical guide.

Dr. George W. Crane

Husband’s Chart

Demerits

1. Stares at or flirts with other women while out with wife. (5)
2. Reads newspaper at the table.
3. Fails to come to table promptly when meal is ready.
4. Brings guests home for meals without warning wife.
5. Doesn’t phone when late for dinner.
6. Compares wife unfavorably with his mother or other wives. (5)
7. Publicly praises bachelor days and regrets having married.
8. Criticizes wife in public. (5)
9. Belches without apology, or blows nose at table.
10. Leaves dresser drawers open.
11. Leaves shoes in living room.
12. Snores.
13. Careless in bathroom — leaves razor out or ring around tub.
14. Fails to bathe or change socks often enough.
15. Fails to brush teeth regularly or keep nails clean.
16. Dislikes to dress or shave on Sunday.
17. Hangs ties or clothes on doorknobs.
18. Picks teeth, nose, or sucks on teeth when in public.
19. Objects to wife’s driving auto.
20. Uses profanity or vulgarity.
21. Blames wife for everything that goes wrong.
22. Complains of being too tired to go out at night with wife.
23. Is suspicious and jealous.
24. Uses alcohol. If ever drunk. (5)
25. Tells lies, not dependable. (5)
26. Angry if newspaper is disarranged.
27. Stubborn — rarely admits that he is wrong. Seldom apologises. (5)
28. Talks of efficiency of his stenographer or other women.
29. Teases wife re: fatness, slowness, etc.
30. Tells embarrassing things about wife when out in public.
31. Makes fun of wife’s hats, clothes, cooking, housekeeping, etc.
32. Smokes in bed.
33. Calls “Where is … ?” without first hunting the object.
34. Monopolizes radio on Sunday as for the baseball broadcasts.
35. Dislikes children, or scolds them too harshly. (5)
36. A chronic ailer or patent medicine addict.
37. Writes on tablecloth with pencil.
38. A chronic braggart or boaster.
39. Argues with or curses other motorists.
40. Will not help wife’s relatives as much as his own.
41. Rolls in bed covers — pulls them off wife.
42. Eats onions, radishes, or garlic before dates or going to bed.
43. Addicted to gambling.
44. Defers too much to mother, a “mamma’s boy.” (5)
45. Belittles wife’s opinions, her judgment, or ability. (5)
46. Opens his wife’s mail.
47. Boasts about his former girl friends or conquests. (5)
48. Leaves lights burning all over the house.
49. Kisses wife just after her make-up has been applied.
50. Too much a book worm — doesn’t talk to wife enough when home.

Merits

1. Gives wife ample allowance or turns pay check over to her. (5)
2. Courteous to wife’s friends.
3. Frequently compliments wife re: looks, cooking, housekeeping, etc. (5)
4. Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc. (5)
5. Helps wife with dishes, caring for children, scrubbing.
6. Polite and mannerly even when alone with his wife.
7. Consults wife’s opinion re: business and social affairs.
8. Has date with wife at least once per week (5 per date)
9. Reads newspaper, books or magazines aloud to wife.
10. A good conversationalist.
11. Steady worker and good provider. (5)
12. Leaves car for wife on days she may need it.
13. Handy about house re: fixing iron, vacuum, hanging pictures, etc.
14. Enjoys taking wife along with him wherever he goes.
15. Doesn’t interfere with wife’s correction of children.
16. Carries adequate insurance for family. (5)
17. Doesn’t quarrel with wife before children or the public.
18. Makes guests feel welcome — an interesting entertainer.
19. Often tells wife he loves her. (5)
20. Usually comes home with a smile.
21. Shares his business and personal problems with her.
22. Holds wife’s coat and opens doors for her.
23. Good humored in the morning.
24. Even-tempered.
25. Does not use tobacco.
26. Interested in athletics.
27. Writes often and lovingly when away from home.
28. Plays with children or helps them with lessons. (5)
29. Willing to go shopping with wife.
30. Waits up for wife or calls for her at her party.
31. Neat in appearance — shoes shined, hair cut, suit pressed.
32. Attends church or urges children to attend Sunday school. (10)
33. Attends parent-teacher meeting and educational lectures.
34. Ambitious — works or studies to gain promotion.
35. Surprises wife occasionally with candy, flowers, gifts.
36. A fast and efficient worker, not the puttering sort.
37. Willingly prepares own breakfast.
38. Arden lover — sees that wife has orgasm in marital congress. (20)
39. Shows wife attention and affection in public. (5)
40. Is a careful auto driver.
41. Kind, but firm and the head of his household.
42. Well liked by men, courageous — not a sissy.
43. Is true to his wife. (10)
44. Eats whatever is served without grumbling or criticism.
45. His children are pleased at his arrival home. (5)
46. Tries to keep wife equipped with modern labor saving devices. (5)
47. Gives wife real movie kisses not dutiful “peck” on the cheek.
48. If wife is ill, phones from work to inquire about her.
49. Neatly hangs up his clothes on hooks or hangers.
50. Kisses wife when leaving for work or a trip.

Wife’s Chart

Demerits

1. Slow in coming to bed — delays till husband is almost asleep.
2. Doesn’t like children. (5)
3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly.
4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house.
5. Wears red nail polish.
6. Often late for appointments. (5)
7. Seams in hose often crooked.
8. Goes to bed with curlers on her hair or much face cream.
9. Puts her cold feet on husband at night to warm them.
10. Is a back seat driver.
11. Flirts with other men at parties or in restaurants. (5)
12. Is suspicious and jealous. (5)
13. Uses slang or profanity. (5)
14. Smokes, drinks, gambles, or uses dope. (5)
15. talks about former boy friends or first husband.
16. Squeezes tooth paste at the top.
17. Reminds husband it is her money they are living on. (5)
18. Tells family affairs to casual acquaintances, too talkative.
19. A chronic borrower — doesn’t keep stocked up.
20. Slows up card game with chatter and gossip.
21. Opens husband’s personal mail.
22. Frequently exceeds her allowance or family budget. (5)
23. Eats onions, radishes, or garlic before a date or going to bed.
24. Tells risque or vulgar stories. (5)
25. Wears pajamas while cooking.
26. Talks during movie, play or concert.
27. Is more than 15 pounds overweight.
28. Often whining and complaining.
29. Discourteous to sales clerks and hired help.
30. Shoulder straps hang over arms or slip is uneven and shows.
31. Fails to wash top of milk bottle before opening it.
32. Corrects husband’s speech or actions before others. (5)
33. Saves punishment of children for father at night. (5)
34. Serves dinner but fails to sit down till meal is half over — then wants husband to wait for her.
35. Wears pajamas instead of nightgown.
36. Fails to bathe or brush teeth often enough. (5)
37. Puts stockings to soak in wash basin.
38. Serves too much from tin cans or the delicatessen store.
39. Visits mother too often — a spoiled child.
40. Is snobbish or too much concerned in “keeping up with the Jones.”
41. Dislikes husband’s hobbies as fishing, baseball, etc.
42. Tells lies — is not dependable.
43. Doesn’t want to get up to prepare breakfast.
44. Insists on driving the car when husband is along.
45. Smokes in bed or has cigarette stained fingers.
46. Cries, sulks, or pouts too much.
47. Makes evening engagements without consulting her husband.
48. Talks too long on the phone.
49. Is a gossip.
50. Walks around house in stocking feet.

Merits

1. A good hostess — even to unexpected guests.
2. Has meals on time.
3. Can carry on an interesting conversation.
4. Can play a musical instrument, as piano, violin, etc.
5. Dresses for breakfast.
6. Neat housekeeper — tidy and clean.
7. Personally puts children to bed.
8. Never goes to bed angry, always makes up first. (5)
9. Asks husband’s opinions regarding important decisions and purchases.
10. Good sense of humor — jolly and gay.
11. Religious — sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself.
12. Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays.
13. Encourages thrift — economical. (5)
14. Laughs at husband’s jokes and his clowning.
15. Ambitious for her family — urges higher attainment.
16. Belongs to parent-teacher club, or child study group.
17. A good cook — serves balanced meals. (5)
18. Tries to become acquainted with husband’s business or trade.
19. Greets husband at night with a smile.
20. Has a pleasant disposition in the morning — not crabby.
21. Keeps snacks in refrigerator for late eating.
22. Likes educational and cultural things.
23. Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress. (10)
24. Faithful and true to husband. (10)
25. Has pleasant voice — not strident.
26. Has spunk — will defend her ideals and religion.
27. Praises husband in public.
28. Writes often and lovingly when away from husband.
29. Writes to husband’s parents regularly.
30. Willing to assist husband at office or shop.
31. Sympathetic — likes children and unfortunates. (5)
32. Keeps hair neatly combed or shampooed and waved.
33. Often comments on husband’s strength and masculinity.
34. Good seamstress — can make her own clothes or the children’s clothes.
35. Gives husband shampoo or manicure.
36. Keeps husband’s clothes clean and pressed.
37. Bravely carries on during financial depression.
38. Healthy or courageous and uncomplaining.
39. Keeps self dainty, perfumed and feminine.
40. Is of the same religion as her husband. (5)
41. Has minor children to care for (5 points per child.)
42. On friendly terms with neighbors.
43. Fair and just in settling the children’s quarrels with others.
44. Likes to vacation with husband.
45. An active member of some women’s organization.
46. Often tells husband she loves him. (5)
47. Polite and mannerly even when alone with husband.
48. Willing to get a job to help support the home.
49. Praises marriage before young women contemplating it.
50. Is unselfish and kind-hearted.