Easter Celebrations

When we got back from Utah, we were all very excited to see Evelyn.

But the reality of how life is with a child in a hospital 45 minutes away, has taken it's toll.
I see Evelyn all that I can, and try to not ever miss a day. I really am thrilled with how she is doing, she is so healthy now, but still sad that she can't be with us.  I have been in the situation that she was at the hospital not doing well, so when I am asked how she is doing, I answer very positively, for that is the truth. I will take it like this rather than how it was. Though her good health does ease the pain that comes from being separated from my baby, it doesn't take it away completely. It is incredibly frustrating that all that stands between our girl being home with our family is just paperwork.

When I am home I miss my girl a lot. It gets very hard to not have her with me. I miss her sleeping in our home.

I miss getting her dressed in the morning. I miss not having her kicking in her bouncer on the kitchen counter while I prepare meals. My thoughts are constantly on her, my heart feels as though a part of it is missing. My arms physically ache to have her in them. I am only beginning to understand (though I in no way can completely understand) how mothers that have lost their children feel. Fortunately for me, I can still hold her, I am only separated by a 45 minute drive.

Todd has been very helpful and supportive of me visiting Evelyn. When Todd is working, I will take the boys with me to the hospital and do homeschool there. When Todd is at home we will either all go see Evelyn or he will stay with the boys while I go by myself. I prefer all of us going, but it can be difficult for the boys to stay contained in such a tiny hospital room day after day.

On Easter Sunday Todd was able to go to church with us. Usually he goes to another congregation for he has some church duties to perform, but this Sunday he was able to be with us. During Sacrament meeting I reflected on how nice it was to have Todd with us, but at the same time, this made me blatantly aware of the hole that was in my heart. Our family was almost all there, but we were still missing our Evee.

Because of the stresses we have had since December, we have not celebrated holidays too much. If it wasn't for my mom, the boys may not have been aware of the passing of Valentine's Day nor St. Patrick's Day.
With Easter approaching, Todd emphasized that he wanted us to have a good Easter celebration. I understood his reasoning, but all I desired was to be with Evee. Since we were going to be spending Easter morning at church, I did not want to stay home for the evening just so we could have a nice dinner. Plus, I was feeling a little short on time and energy. I had been only going to any activities or commitments that we had at home (plus sleeping at night) but the rest of the time I wanted to be at the hospital. Shopping and any kind of preparing that was more than simple seemed daunting and I would rather spend my time at the hospital.
But, Todd was able to convince me and we were able to make a good compromise. It did help that several days prior to Easter, we had gotten permission to take Evee out of her room and off of the floor.

 Of course we had to take a big bag of supplies and an oxygen tank with us,

but I cannot describe how freeing it felt to take her out of her hospital room and off of the floor, even if it was just to go downstairs.

Because of this new allowance, we decided that we could have a nice Easter dinner that included Evelyn. Saturday evening I cooked a ham, mashed potatoes, cooked carrots, made gravy, and prepared dough for rolls. I cooked everything, except the rolls, and put the food in microwavable containers. Sunday morning I cooked the rolls, and got out the table cloth and the paper plates.
Easter was wonderful. That morning the Easter Bunny visited our house (he usually visits the day before since I rather use the Sabbath to focus on Christ, but you work with what you have). The younger two boys got some new shoes, since they had out-grown theirs, and the older two boys got suits since they had out grown and over-used their old ones. They also got to find some candy-filled eggs. The biggest surprise of all was when Grant did not freak out during the entire hunt!!! I was really glad we did the Easter gifts, especially when I heard Grant saying, "I use to not know the Easter Bunny was real, but now I know he IS real!"
Roger realized this year that the Easter Bunny is not real. He said something about not thinking that a bunny could do all this. I took him into another room and told him the truth, but told him to not necessarily tell his brothers. I'm not sure how I feel about the entire Easter Bunny thing. I think it is all fun and has a "magic" to it, but I do not like to put a lot of emphasis on it. I can see how some children would one day find out the truth on such things like the Easter Bunny, but then also question other things and beliefs that can seem unbelievable, such as a belief in God. I know that these are two separate things, and I do believe that there are testimonies and conversions associated with the belief in God. But I am a little leery of telling my kids untruths. 
On the way to church, Todd told the boys that all the little girls would be wearing new dresses, so to be sure to compliment them. As we were walking into church Mikey passed a long-time friend that is his age and complimented her on her dress. Of course her dad looked at Todd with a confused look on his face - or maybe it was a concerned look.
We had some great lessons taught at church, and heard some beautiful music. After church, we rushed home, had the kids change, packed up the food and left for the hospital.
It was so good to see Evelyn. She always greets us with a big smile, usually while she is tapping her hand on her bed or belly.
The nurses had dressed her in her prettiest dress that we had left at the hospital, and even though it was beautiful, we had brought her an Easter dress to wear.
In the words of Todd, "Easter is for little girls to wear beautiful dresses". (I think he thoroughly enjoys having a girl)

Todd's mom had gotten this dress for Evee to be her Christmas dress. Yes, she wore it then, but it works even better for Easter.
After getting Evee all dressed up, we took all our stuff to the Atrium (the cafeteria).

While Todd took the food to the microwave, I prepared the table. I washed it off, then put the tablecloth on. The boys helped me set the table and get water cups. Within 15 minutes, we had our own table set up, with food on it, ready to thank our Heavenly Father in prayer for our many blessings, especially the blessings of the Atonement and Resurrection of His Son.

It felt so good to look around the table and to have my children surrounding me.

I brought down baby food for Evee, so she got to eat as well. It was so good. I felt so happy, so blessed.
After dinner, and walking around the common areas of the hospital, we spent the rest of the evening hanging out in Evee's room. I had brought some frosting and Graham crackers for the boys to make a dessert/snack.

And we did take a little much-needed nap.

One of my favorite Easter celebrations ever.

Purpose

I know that there are some people that question the point, or reason of Evelyn's life. There are some that question why she has had to go through so much pain, and to top it off with the prospective that her life does not seem great since she may not ever have a "normal" life. I know of a woman who through working in the PICU lost her faith in God, for how could God allow these little innocent children go through so much pain?
I can understand their questions, and I can even understand their unbelief of God. But I will tell you, because of my experience with Evelyn thus far, my faith in God is strengthened. I cannot say whether it's because I had faith in God prior to Evelyn joining our family, or if it's because knowing Evelyn I can see the joy she has and the promising future she has in this life and the next. When you meet Evelyn, there is no denying that she has a spirit that is bigger than her body.

Without God, I would be furious about Evelyn's medical conditions. I would feel the unfairness of life, the bitterness of the human body.  I may even fail to see any reason for her to live. But because of my faith, I know that there is a purpose to Evelyn's life. I know that she has a future, as well as a past, that does not include the frailties of her human body. I know that on some glorious day she will be Resurrected, she will have a perfect body. (though I think her body is pretty perfect as it is)

Without God, this physical suffering that Evelyn has gone through seems extremely pointless. It would feel like a bitter hand that she drew. But because of my faith, I know that there are more reasons to these experiences than I can understand nor see at this moment.
During a rather hard time in the PICU, when Evee was going through pain and we had no idea of what to expect, I had a very sweet feeling come to me as a thought crossed my mind. I will share it with you, but please realize that these are my thoughts, not necessarily doctrines nor specific teachings of my church, though I did come to these thoughts because of what I have come to learn and understand about God that has been taught in my church and consists of its doctrines.

We believe that sometimes when a person has lower-functioning mental capabilities, it is because they were part of the more valiant followers of God while we were in Heaven. They may have been the ones that fought diligently against Satan in the War of Heaven, the ones that proved themselves during their time in Heaven that God decided that they did not need to be tested during their earth life for He already knew what they would choose and they were already worthy and ready for the progression.
Now, I do not know what Evee's mental capabilities will be, as thus far she has been age appropriate, but I do realize that there is a great possibility that she will have mild to severe mental delays.  With this in mind, the thought came to me about Judgement Day.

I do not look upon Judgement Day as a day of "I told you so"s, nor a day of harsh punishment from God. I really think that our own experience of Judgement Day will have to do more with how we lived our own lives.
God is not only the creator of the earth and heavens and everything in them, but He is also Our Father. I believe that when we face him on the Judgement Day we will feel the feelings of someone that is about to face a their perfect father who loves them and they love in return. I feel that our joy and sweetness of the day will come in consequence of the good choices we have made. I also feel that the sorrow that we will feel will be because of the poor choices that we made, because we will have to face our loving Heavenly Father and be accountable for the wrongs we have done.
I do believe that everyone will have at least some joy and some sorrow to some degree. The amount thereof is dependent on the choices we make. But regardless of how hard we try, I think everyone will have some sorrow, no matter how small, for we will remember and realize the glory of Our Father and His love.
These Special Spirits, one that Evelyn may very well be, will not experience the same sorrow. We believe that these individuals, through the Atonement of Christ, are perfect, are free from sin, just as a little child is.
As I watched Evelyn endure pain, I realized that maybe she is having this experience so that one day, when she sees me and others going through the Judgement Day, she will have more compassion for she will be able to say, "Yes, I know what pain is, and this person has it, and for that I am so sorry". I realize that none of this is doctrine, but I do feel that it is close to the workings and love of God.

In the Sunday School class that I teach for the 12-14 year-olds, a girl brought up a scripture. It was Alma 7:11-12, and speaking of Christ is reads:

 11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and ^aafflictions and ^btemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ^ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him ^adeath, that he may ^bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

I was really touched by the words that Christ "will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people". So whether my view of the Judgement Day be accurate of not, it really does not matter. I may not know the real purposes for Evelyn's pains and my trials, but I trust that there is a purpose. I trust that I do not need to know now, nor may I never need to know during my time on earth, but I do know that it is all okay, that someone with a much better understanding has not forgotten me nor my baby.

Without God or Christ, Evelyn's life and experience has no meaning, just an unlucky chance of fate of DNA being deleted. But because of Christ and His Atonement, Evelyn has purpose. One day the unfairness that is felt because of her situation in life will fully be overcome by Christ, He will more than make up for her challenges and trials. 

And to Him is where I rest my faith.

Utah/Mexico

After getting into Utah and spending a few days there with my boys, we drove down to Mexico. My brother lives in a place called Rocky Point, Mexico. It is a 12 hour drive from my mom's house, and the drive is a long deserted desert.

 

 On the drive down to Mexico, we did stop at a park and let the boys stretch their legs and play

 

Our first day there was Sunday, so we found a local congregation. We didn't understand much for it was all in Spanish, but it was cool to see people that have the same beliefs as us even though we live very different lives.

My brother, who is a wonderful person, does not share our beliefs. Without realizing that one way we keep the Sabbath Day Holy is by choosing to not swim, he invited my boys to go swimming with him that morning. 

I was still in bed, reading the scriptures when I heard this invitation, and I was disappointed that I hadn't been able to discuss with them that it was Sunday. Mikey, already realizing it was Sunday just ignored the invitation. The other three boys came running into me, asking if it was okay for them to go swimming with my brother. 

I said a quick silent prayer and prepared for their questions. After they asked me, I told them that it was their choice, but that they must first listen to me. I reminded them that it was the Sabbath, something that they had not realized. I reminded them that they knew what our standards and beliefs were, but that they could choose what they were to do, all without any consequences from me. I did ask them to allow me to tell them about a story I had just read that morning. I had read a General Conference talk that told the story of an Olympic runner that had refused to run on Sunday.

Roger had no question of his choice, he said to me, in his very sincere voice, "Mom, I really want to go swimming, but I know it's more important to follow God's commandments".

William was a little more unsure of his choice. I suggested that we pray. After our prayer, he said, with sad tears in his eyes, that he wouldn't go swimming. I gave him a hug and told him that I understood his sadness, but that I was very proud of his choice.

When my brother realized the predicament that he had put my kids in, he sincerely apologized. Even though it was a difficult experience for some of my kids, I thought that it was good for it pushed them to choose for themselves.

Grant had a little crush on my cousin Ivy Ellen - not that I blame him. If you look closely, Grant has a big scab between his eyebrows. Whenever my kids visit Utah, I swear that one of them has the physical bad luck of getting hurt repeatedly. This time was Grant's turn.

 We joined in the fun of a beach dance party (kid friendly) one of the evenings. The Limbo pole was pulled out and William and Grant participated in Limbo for the first time in their lives. They loved it. Grant got to the last round. I think it helped that he's short.

 We spent a lot of time at the beach

 And missing Evelyn. Luckily Todd sent lots of pictures

 We went out on the ocean twice on this boat. It was amazing. We saw dolphins

 and sea lions.

 There was an island that had hundreds and hundreds of sea lions. The old, dominate males stayed up on the island, protecting their territories and letting out loud barks. The young "teenage" sea lions were playing in the water, coming close to the boat, curious to see what it was.

 We caught a lot of fish

 The captain even caught a shark! He was having a hard time reeling in his catch, so we knew it was a big one. I was on the back of the boat, helping William with his pole, when all of the sudden I felt like I was in a scene from Jaws. A Great-White-looking shark swam by the boat, with something by it's gills. The captain's hook had gotten attached to the shark's gills. This shark was huge! Surprised, and somewhat scared, I grabbed William close to me. The shark got away, thankfully. A very surreal moment.

 My brother lives in a town home that is associated with these two towers of condos. They have many pools and a beach. And all of this in the middle of a desert with town being 30 minutes away.

 

The beach was perfect. When it was low tide, there were coral banks that the kids were able to search around and look for sea life. When the tide was high, the waves still weren't too crazy. I was never nervous about my boys swimming in the water and being swept away.

 The sand was really nice and easy to walk on, yet there were so many sea shells to be found! It was a perfect beach, in my opinion.

Mikey drew a picture of a sea lion in the sand

Paradise

Found a Sea Star

Even while having such a good time, we missed the rest of the family

 

I did some school work with the boys, using the sand as a white board and sea shells as counting chips. The boys loved this and kept asking for more school work.

The pool was awesome, looking over the beach and ocean

 

 

Our last night, we went to dinner with my dad and brother (Rob) at a neighboring resort. During the meal my brother was quite impressed with Mikey's knowledge. Rob started asking Mikey what he knew about different subjects. Mikey did an amazing job of having some knowledge of anything that Rob threw at him. Even the other boys started contributing their knowledge. Rob became more and more impressed.

 

We did have a great time, but we did leave part of our heart (and family) in Cleveland. Thank goodness for Facetime, it helped a little bit.

We spent two more days in Utah before we flew home. During that time I was able to go to the temple, and visit my grandma as well as aunt MayBeth.

I had told my boys about my dad's business that he had started when I was a child. The last night we were in Utah, I had my dad take us on a "tour" of the schools that he started. We ended up taking my brothers three kids as well and my sisters girl. It all started here:

 

an apartment building in which my family rented two apartments, one for the business and the other to live in. The one we lived in was one bedroom, all while my parents had four young children.

As they became more successful, my dad purchased this manor.

Isn't my mom a hottie?

Here we are in the gym

My mom was sad to see my boys go. She had been watching them for 5 weeks! But I think her house was happy to be a little quieter and cleaner.

While I was gone, a family with an M-CM girl stopped by the hospital. This little girl (I am told by Todd) is super cute. The similarities is also very awesome. The girl is a 7 year-old girl named Evelyn and she has three siblings, all older brothers!

Overall, I was glad that I went to Utah. It was a good chance to have a break, and a great opportunity to spend time with my boys.

I came home with 4 ninjas