Finding Out About Baby

I found out that I was pregnant on January 22nd. We had just gotten back from our trip to Chicago and I woke up not feeling "right". Though we had been trying for another baby, I was starting to think that maybe I was having an Abraham and Issac experience, where I just needed to prove that I was willing.
I had an extra pregnancy test at home, so I got up and took it. Sure enough, I was pregnant.
I climbed back into bed, seeing that this was at 5 in the morning, to contemplate this new information.
It seemed over-whelming, but not scary. The thing that stuck the most in my mind was the fact that one day, I would not be able to imagine my life without this unknown child. This baby was a part of our family now, and I love him/her. The love was instant.
I wanted to tell Todd in some special way about our new arrival, so I didn't say anything when he got up and went to work an hour later.
I don't remember the exact things that went on that day, for my mind was on this new baby. I was excited and felt incredible peace about the entire situation.
When Todd came home from work, he brought me a half-dozen of roses. (This is not normal, nor did he expect anything). I smiled as I looked at the roses for I knew a secret he didn't, we were about to have as many children as he had given me roses.
That night I had a soccer game. I figured it would be okay for me to play, especially since it was the last game of the session and I would be careful. Todd and the boys came to watch me.
I was deflated when I saw that we were playing against the team that had a really aggressive and mean girl playing against my position. I tried to back off as much as I could, I never risked getting hurt, but she was not so kind. There were times I wouldn't even be at the ball and she would two-handed push me away. The ref was ridiculous so after he deliberately pushing me I called the ref on it (which I usually do not do). This did help my opponent back off, which I appreciated.
After the game I approached Todd. The first thing he said was something about being disappointed for he thought he would get to see me fight out on the field. I looked at him surprised, but then I had forgotten that he did not yet know that I was pregnant.
We went home and put the boys to bed. I asked Todd to change Evelyn. He did, and this is what he saw:

Her onesie says "Dad, Today you gave Mom 6 roses, ironically that is how many children you'll have come September"

Todd's reaction was perfect. You would have thought he was a little kid at Christmas, but even better for he understood how amazing this gift was. He responded with a very excited, "Are you serious?!" (why would I joke about something like this?)

At this point in our life, things were looking good. Our daughter had a surgery scheduled in a week, but we weren't nervous about it at all, I mean really, when you have to go through brain surgery, getting a g-tube in place really is nothing.
I am really grateful that we were able to find out about this baby before Evelyn's surgery and everything that happened after it. With all of the ups and downs and complete trauma of it all may have caused us to have a less than favorable reaction to finding out that we would be responsible for another little person. The timing (though may seem like bad timing) is actually perfect.

1. Like I said, finding out about the baby when we did allowed us to celebrate it rather than be knocked down by it
2. One of my biggest hesitations about getting pregnant was the fact that for the first trimester I would almost be a non-existent mom. The memories of the weeks I spent many hours on the couch when I was pregnant with Evee haunted me. I was not looking forward to having to not give my kids the attention they needed. True, being sick and tired in the hospital MAJORLY SUCKED (we won't even mention the lovely 4 AM x-rays every morning), but at least I wasn't away from my kids more than needed and I really was grateful for that.
3. When Evee was almost 2 months old, her pediatrician warned me that she may need a trach. That was a really tough day, and when she got cleared by ENT, I thought we were out of the woods. I had heard that laryngmalacia usually gets worse before it gets better, but I thought we had seen the worst part and were getting better. I was wrong. Anyway, after realizing how much time and energy it takes to take care of a trach baby, I don't know if we would have been willing to have another baby so soon had Evee gotten the trach at 2 months old. I had a hard enough time accepting God's will, I think if Evee had a trach (or I had known she would be getting one) I wouldn't have listened. I like to think that Evee pushed herself with her breathing just long enough to make sure she got a younger sibling to join her.

Todd and I felt very hesitant about telling people about our new baby. We challenged each other to see who could go without telling their parents. I told him that I would let the new baby tell my dad about his/her presence. It wasn't that we were ashamed nor excited about our new baby, we just didn't want to have to deal with the reactions. When Evee wasn't doing so well in the hospital, we became even more hesitant about telling people. The situation seemed overwhelming enough.

When I went to Utah to pick up the boys, we knew that we would have to tell the boys (and my family) for I was showing a big bump....I guess that's what happens after having 5 kids, my body even senses the hormones and it gets right into place.
When the boys visited Evelyn when she had just gotten her G-tube in (a week after we found out we were pregnant) Grant sat on my lap. With his face turned towards mine, he pushed his hands against my stomach and in a happy voice said, "Mom! The baby is getting bigger". No one, except I, heard him. Then a couple of weeks later Grant mentioned my baby again. He said that he didn't care if the baby was a boy or a girl. I asked him what baby he was talking about. "Mom...the baby in your tummy". I never confirmed nor denied his suspicions. Todd was amazed at Grant's perception, but I just told Todd that he shouldn't be surprised for Grant checks me out more than Todd does.
I wanted to tell the boys about the baby in a way that enforced our love for them. One day, while trying to not focus on my nausea, an incredible idea came to my mind, one that I felt was truly inspired. So, I made the preparations to tell my boys.
When I got to Utah, the boys were so excited to see me, and I was thrilled to see them. William, after looking me over, asked if I was pregnant. I pretended to not hear him while we anxiously awaited for Todd to be available to Facetime.
When the time finally came, I sat the boys down and talked to them about love. I told them about how there are 3 main types of love. One is love for God, and this can only go for one Being, we cannot love God and Satan at the same time. The second is the love you have for your spouse. This too can only be for one person and cannot be shared with lots of people. The third type of love is the love and charity we have for everyone else. This love can be shared, and the more it is shared the more it grows.
I pulled out a small paper heart. I told the boys that the heart represented the love I had for Mikey when he was born.
I pulled out two more paper hearts, both the same size and being bigger than the first. I said that these hearts represented my love for Mikey and Roger when Roger was born. I pointed out that loving Roger did not take away any love I had for Mikey, but having Roger actually helped me love Mikey more.
I pulled out three more paper hearts, again all the same size and bigger than the previous ones. I likened those three hearts to the love that I had for Mikey, Roger, and William when William was born. I pointed out that the hearts were bigger than the previous ones because having another baby come into our lives only helped me to learn to love more.
I pulled out four hearts to represent the love we had when Grant was born.
I pulled out five hearts. I told the boys that even though Evelyn has taken up a lot of time and energy, she did not take away any love I had for them.
Then, I pulled out six huge hearts. My boys caught on instantly, but awaited confirmation. I said that the love in our family was continuing to grow.
To say the boys were ecstatic would be an understatement.
They were bouncing off the walls, running around, screaming, yelling. They had just received the best news ever. 
For the next week, the boys thought more about the new baby than I did. More than once a day someone would say to me, "I can't believe we're going to have another baby!"
I was a little nervous about my kids, especially the boys. We hadn't had a baby in our home for four years, and when one finally came, she required a lot of love, attention, and focus from Todd and me. After spending four weeks without seeing much of their parents, I was apprehensive that the news of another baby may upset the boys or make them feel displaced. Instead, giving them another sibling seems to be the greatest gift I could give them - which it really is the greatest gift.
We are blessed.

Ten Years

A year ago, I had a friend whose timeline was similar to mine now in the fact that her husband was ending Residency soon and they were celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary. In celebration of these wonderful events, they took a nice, week-long cruise while leaving their four children with Grandma.
She told me about the plans, and afterwards about the details, all while we took breaks from swimming laps in the pool at 5 AM. I wondered what it would be like, to have a vacation with just my husband. I decided for myself that I would be doing the same thing in a year. I was pregnant with Evelyn, but figured she would be about 10-11 months by now, so I would be able to leave her with my mom care for her and her 4 brothers.

Obviously this last year has not been what I originally expected.
In all honesty, it has been hard, it has been tiring, it has been emotional.
But it has not all been terrible.

I originally had looked at the year 2013 as a big celebratory year. I was turning 30, Todd was going to get done with Residency, we were celebrating our 10th Wedding anniversary, and my mom was even going to take Todd and I on a trip to Jerusalem in celebration of Todd's accomplishment of finishing Residency. This year was going to be the end of "hard times" and the beginning of an easier life.

The reality has been/will be:

• I celebrated my birthday in a hospital with a baby not doing well, 
• Todd will get done with Residency, thankfully he will be making more money, but he will be working a lot for he is the low man on the totem pole
• We are not going on any trips or get-aways for our anniversary
• And obviously, Jerusalem is out of the picture.

I hear of my friends going on great and romantic getaways and I do have a tinge of jealousy. In truth, I am sad about not being able to get away with just Todd. How I would love to spend several lazy days just soaking him and the sun up. I would love to spend an entire day in bed, I would love to not have to be constantly aware of someone else and their needs. I would love to have a conversation with my husband and not have any interruptions by a small voice or a mucus filled trach, nor strive to stay awake when I can barely keep my eyes open, just so that I can have a good laugh or cry with my husband.

There have been changes in our lives since Evelyn's arrival last summer, but they haven't all been bad. I have seen my children have such unconditional love and compassion for their sister and grow in the depth of their character. I have seen friends, relatives, church members, community citizens and others shower us with their outpouring of love and support. I have felt God's love and goodness empower me in times of trials. I have gained strength I didn't knew existed. I know I have changed, and not only do I feel more faithful, but I also feel more charitable, more mature, more humbled. I have had the help and support of a wonderful husband, and I feel even more bound to him than ever before.

Because of the situation we have with Evelyn, our lives have changed. But, this still is a year of celebrations:

• I celebrated my birthday in a hospital, but was also able to go home and spend the evening with 4 boys that doted on me
• My baby was put in a place and situation that ultimately saved her life. How easily her breathing could have gotten worse at home, where intervention would not have been available
• My baby has been gaining weight and is looking more healthy
• My babies have/will be turning 9, 8, 6, 5, and1 year(s) old
• We have another baby joining our family
• Roger will be getting baptized

Instead of going on a romantic getaway in a tropical paradise, Todd and I are driving down to Columbus for the day to spend some time at the Lord's temple on a day-long date. And it is going to be great.

Ten years ago today, we got married in the Nauvoo, Illinois Temple.

I am so grateful that I married Todd. When I married him, I didn't realize what a great guy he was, I mean he was nice, but I had made a habit of dating nice guys. It is only when you are married and have to go through the mundanes of everyday life (especially with kids) and go through trials together that you really get a good look at one another's character, and I will say, I got a good one.

Todd is my best friend. I love talking to him, I love laughing with him, I love hanging out with him. I really enjoy being around him. My only wish is that I got to spend more time with him. He has a lot of responsibilities and pressures with work, church, the kids, and community that unfortunately there are times I don't get to see very much of him. The one thing that makes this better is that Todd is a great connector. When he is home, he is home. He talks and connects with me and with the kids. I realize this is a blessing that God gave him (and me) so that he would be able to fulfill all his roles and responsibilities.

Todd is a great dad. He has so much love and concern for our little Princess, wanting what is best for her and often sacrificing to make it happen. He is a great leader for our boys. He has great Gospel discussions with them, and will also go on their level and talk about "inappropriate" things like potty talk. (Why is this so cool to boys?!). He is coaching Grant's soccer team of 4-5 year olds. One mom, not realizing that Todd was my husband, said to me, "Don't you just love Coach Todd? He plays with the kids so well".  He treats our boys like they are his buddies, his peers, all while maintaining his authority as their father.

Todd is hilarious. I don't know where he gets some of the stuff he says, but it is pretty funny. He and I have many inside jokes, and I love it for it makes me feel even more connected to him. Together we have a way of taking our trials and hard times and finding the irony of it, and laughing about it, for honestly, if you don't laugh, you'll cry.

I have never known anyone that sincerely likes everyone as much as Todd does. He loves people, always wanting to help them, talk to them, hang out with them. He is also very sensitive towards them. If there is someone having a rough time, he wants to help. He is even willing to do the ultimate- take care of the kids so that I can go comfort a friend in need.

Not only is Todd very sensitive towards other people, he is very sensitive toward me and our kids. He is always trying to think of ways that we can help our kids, teach them something, show them love in a different way. He is sensitive of my feelings and how I am managing things. He is willing to listen to me and wants to help in any way he can.

The last ten years have been amazing. They have been hard, a lot of hard days, a lot of long hours away from eachother, each fulfilling our roles. But we have also had some great times. We have done some incredible things and had great experiences. We have lived our lives as we have wanted. We work well together, we have the same hopes and desires.

A couple of months ago Todd asked me if I would have made a different choice if 10 years ago someone would have told me how hard our life would be. I teased Todd that I was meant to do hard things, but rather it was him who was the "softee". All joking aside though, I would have made the decision again. Marrying Todd has been the best decision I have ever made. It has shaped who I have become and how my life is going. I love him so much and am so incredibly grateful for him.

I love you Todd.

Happy Mother's Day

I hope you are having a wonderful Mother's Day. I am, I got the best Mother's Day gift. Well, besides being able to be the mother of my children, that is (but everyone always says that is the best gift, but do we really cherish and treat them as gifts?)

We finally have a night nurse and she started last night! I cannot tell you how nice it was to sleep the entire night through.
We did have a night nurse hired several weeks ago, and she came one night. She was fine, but I didn't hear from her until almost a week later, the day before she was supposed to be coming again. She claimed that she had some family changes that caused her to have to quit, but it came out that the real reason was that she was uncomfortable with the fact that we had a video monitor (not a recording monitor) on Evee while she was taking care of her. She claimed that none of her clients have ever required it (who are these people that have a complete stranger come into their home and take care of their non-verbal child with no supervision or accountability). I was frustrated that I still did not have a night nurse, but I did not want to compromise. If she did not feel comfortable with me having some sort of access to my child, then I did not feel comfortable with her watching my child.
The people I had interviewed had not been great, quality people, and though the night nurse I had originally hired was not a stand-out applicant, she was the best of who I had interviewed.
Talking about my night nurse is a huge side-tangent that I was not meaning to focus on, but I will just say that through the work of the Lord, I finally have been able to find 2 night nurses. I can honestly say that I felt guided by God in finding them, and I feel that they are both perfect for us and our family.
Back to what I intended to write about was Mother's Day.
My mom, who is a fantastic mother, use to dread Mother's Day when we were growing up. She said she always felt guilty for all her shortcomings. I don't know if the realization that everyone has shortcomings and that we are not required to be perfect has helped me, but I absolutely love Mother's Day.
Mother's Day is one of my favorite holidays. It does help that I got to have my husband home and he was even able to go to church with me since he is usually going to other congregations in the area to help out. This morning I got a full-night's rest, then had time to spend with my babies in my bed since our church doesn't start until 11. While I was lying in bed, William came in all dressed in his suit, ready for church without any prodding from me.

It was so nice having Todd sit with us during Sacrament. The boys went up to the front and sang a song with all the other children for the mothers. The kids were all given a flower to bring back to their moms, and though I should have gotten four, I only got three. Mikey failed to bring a flower back to me. He told me that he gave it to someone else. I questioned who, and he said that he gave it to a girl his age. I was surprised, thinking maybe he was doing it as a romantic gesture, but then later found out that he did it because he noticed that she didn't have one. Just like Mikey, to make sure everyone else is taken care of first.
Todd took Evee during the rest of the classes at church, which was really nice. I teach Sunday School to the 12-14 year olds. During this class time today, William was previously assigned to give a talk in Primary. Todd stopped by my class and asked about William's talk. Whoops! I totally forgot about it and had not helped him prepare a talk. Not a good Mom point.
Without having a talk prepared, William was asked to bare his testimony. He did a good job, and mentioned mothers. He said, "I know that Mothers are good...even if they do bad things, they still are good". Hmmm.....next time I'll have the talk prepared.
The class for the women was amazing. There was a desert table set up for the women and a friend's husband gave the lesson. He did a really good job.  One thing he mentioned was that growing up we probably all wanted to grow up to be a mother, but that the reality of it is probably not what we expected.
I have to admit, there are times when being a mom is not fun, it can be frustrating and even annoying. But all in all, this is what I want to do and it does bring me a lot of joy. What an amazing blessing it is to have children in my home, especially young children. The boys doted on me all day and keep saying how "beautiful" I am. Todd has done a great job not having me lift a finger (I have only suctioned Evee like 5 times today). But as nice as it is to be celebrated, the celebration is not why I love being a mom. I love being with these young, innocent children. I love seeing the world through their eyes. I love helping them, I love seeing them learn how to do something, learn to help themselves. I love their smiles, their laughs. I love their thoughts, their comments. I love them and who they are. I love seeing who they will become. It is such an honor to have these kids in our home.
Being a mother is such an honor and is really a great gift and stewardship from God. Here is a video that was shown in our class, and I absolutely loved the message. I hope you enjoy it.