I really do love my running/thinking time. It is my multi-tasking style of meditating while getting physically fit. I have some of my clearest thoughts, my most productive ideas, my more inspiring revelations come to me while running.
As my feet were crunching on top of the frozen ground the other day, I was reminded of many other runs I have done in the past. Just like every snowflake is different, no two runs are the same. There are some runs where I am focusing on my speed or endurance, challenging myself physically. There are some runs that I am enjoying the company of a friend, or using her as a very cheap, but effective, therapist. There are some runs where my thoughts are all over the place (pondering anything from the Creation to electricity). And there are some runs that are more therapeutic for my emotional/spiritual self than they could ever be for my physical self. Most runs consist of at least one or two of those different styles of thoughts while running.
I was thinking about how grateful I was for running, for how much it has helped me in my life. Though I may seem unemotional at times, it is more because my personality tends to be quite even-kill. But while running, all emotions become raw, they come to the surface. You are facing yourself as you are, without any layers. Since Evelyn has joined our family, I have had many runs where I discovered I had more tears that I knew existed in me, I discovered my pain, my worries, I discovered how I felt deep down.
While contemplating this, my mind was opened to another reality. Todd, not only being my husband, but my best friend, knows pretty much all there is to know about me. Though I am quite honest with Todd, and though I may tell him about an experience I have had or emotions that I felt, there is only so much he understands. This is not because of a lack of desire on his part, but because he, nor any one else, is totally capable of understanding every moment, thought, joy, experience, desire, or pain I have. But there is someone that is.
I realized that any time I have felt pain, the Lord was there, any time I felt confusion, the Lord was there. Any time I have felt joy, the Lord was there, any time I have felt dishearted, the Lord was there. The Lord has always been there, He has not only witnessed my life, He knows exactly how I have felt. As I ran on the sidewalk, I noticed a set of footprints in the snow beside me. I envisioned these to represent my unseen companion for the Lord is always there!
Because He is always there, He knows me completely. He knows my every desire, my every thought, my every short-coming, my every strength, my every weakness, my every accomplishment, my every intention, my every sin. I felt love and comfort as I realized that while He knows ALL of this about me, He still has incredible love for me. Me!
Me, who is so imperfect. Me, who deserves no such love, no such acceptance. Yet, despite all the things I have done - and thought- He continues to unconditionally love me!
This made me realize a couple of things.
1-that I may not be as terrible or unlovable as I feel if Christ would still love me. I should forgive myself. I'm not talking just major sins, I am talking about even the little follies of being human. The times that I "should have" but didn't. The times that I "shouldn't have" but did. Those daily things that I do that keep me from being my best self possible. Even those moments that I am super annoying.
And 2- what an incredible blessing we have to have a Savior that is willing- no desiring, to save us! It would be enough to have him still love us, but to forgive us, to save us, it is incomprehensible!
I found my pace quickening and my heart swell with joy as I realized the depth of this Love our Savior has for me. I am so grateful for our Savior, for what He has done for all of us, and what He has done for me personally. He can be our constant companion, our best friend.
