I've been able to schedule the girls'
pediatrician appointments for the same time. With all of the
appointments I have to go to already, on top of being a mom to six,
this has been really helpful. It is interesting to see the contrast
of the appointments between Evelyn and Iralee.
The last appointment, Dr. K was asking
about how Evee was sleeping. I shared with him that her pulse ox
(amount of oxygen she is getting) will drop down in the night. He was
concerned to hear this and was even more concerned that Evee's
baseline pulse ox is lower than he would have liked. In some ways it
sounded ridiculous that her baseline would be so low and we are not more concerned, but it is our reality. When Evelyn didn't have
the trach and had the loud strider, many professionals were alarmed
by it, but she seemed to keep on breathing, so what do you do then?
After some more discussion, Dr. K
turned his attention to Iralee. When he asked if she was sleeping
through the night, I truthfully responded that she wasn't. Dr. K
paused, looked at me and said in a voice of agree-ance, “You don't
seem too concerned with that.”
“No,” said I, “ there are other
things keeping me up at night.”
Evee and Iralee have each contributed
so much to our family, and each in a huge and different way.
Having Evee threw us for a loop. From
the moment she was born, life was different. We didn't know what was
going on, doctors were unsure, and even friends seemed at a loss for
words. That first year was so difficult physically and emotionally.
Physically because I was taking her to at least one appointment a
week, if not more, and that was exhausting. Emotionally for you want the
very best for your child, and to discover and accept that it will not
be what you had originally thought and hoped can be very hard. Then
just as we felt as though we were getting a handle on our life with
Evee, she was hospitalized for several months and got a high-maintenance trach.
Having Evee was very much like having
your first child, but on steroids. You remember the first child? You
imagined your life being the same as before, but with just the
addition of a smiley and cute baby to carry around with you.
Then you
had your baby and reality set in.
Your life before seemed so
comparatively easy, for now you had a helpless baby depending on you.
You were tired, you were messy, you were exhausted. You could no
longer just leave the house giving no thought to preparations.
When I was pregnant with Evee, I imagined how the addition of another baby would be. It would be work, but she was my 5th child, I knew what to expect. I imagined my life as any soon-to-be mother of five. Boy, I was not prepared.
When Todd and I felt impressions that
we should have another baby after Evee, we were dumbfounded. Yes, we
wanted another child, but we thought that was something down the
road...when life was adjusted.
We thought of our kids, could they
handle another baby sibling admits all this stress? How about Evee,
would having another baby cause her to not get all the help she
should get? How about me and my sanity? I wanted to remain sane, but
felt that I was carrying a lot. Would having another baby just blow
me over? How about Todd? He was working to provide for the family, be
the leader of the home, guide his wife and children. Would this be
too much? How about Todd and my marriage? We were really close, but
there were times when things were out of our control and the stress
would cause us to be short with each other because we ourselves could barely
breathe. And how about the new baby? Would this be the best
environment for a baby? Our family was trying to cope with all that
was going on, and would that be fair to have the baby join the
stress? Would she get enough love? Would she get enough attention?
Would she feel her importance?
Then there were concerns about what
other people may think. Would people think we were being irresponsible.
So many people had stepped in and helped us with Evee and all that
was required of us for our care. Having a Special Needs child is
something that happens to you ....having a baby so soon after having an
SN child is something you do to yourself. Would people support us
with our decision or would they leave us to our own devices?
Admits all the doubts, Todd nor I could
deny the inspirations. We put our trust in God and made the leap. We were to welcome a baby into our chaotic
life.
When Evelyn ended up in the hospital
soon after we found out we were expecting, we decided that we
wouldn't be quick to tell many people. There was enough for us to
deal with, and adding on people's reactions to our pregnancy was not
something we wanted to deal with. But we loved our baby.
As I would
try to go to sleep on the couch in Evee's room, while I focused on
not letting everything crush me, and to keep my nausea calm, I felt so
much love for the baby growing inside me. I felt close to her, I felt protective of her. After we got Evee out of
the hospital, we started being open about our upcoming addition. Not
only because the stress had gone down, but my belly had gone out.
I remember when I told one friend about
the pregnancy, she replied with, “This will be so good for your
family. It will just make everything normal......You guys were going
to have more kids and this just allows the world to go on.”
As she said that, I didn't fully
comprehend her meaning. Ya, we were planning on having another baby
shortly after Evee, but not after she had some complications. How
could having a baby make everything normal?!?!
Now, almost a year
after Iralee's birth, I see the wisdom in my friend's insight.
How could
another dependent baby bring so much peace? I am still not
sure, but I will tell you that it did and does. Iralee brought the sunrise
after the storm. Iralee kept the world turning. Not that having Evee
has been terrible, for she has brought a lot of joy into our home,
and even into our community. But for awhile the world was different. Life
had kept on going, but we had the air knocked out of us. We were on the floor, stunned. We were
trying to survive, we barely had our heads above water. Iralee
brought us back to shore. Iralee brought normalcy back into our life.
With the addition of Iralee, our family
has gone on. Again, Evelyn is an important member of our
family, but she is not the only member of our family. Somehow
Iralee reminded us of that fact.
Having Iralee not only normalized our
family, but even normalized Evee. Evee's syndrome, Evee's
differences, have almost become just like any other child's traits
and characteristics. Roger has brown hair, Grant has blue eyes, and
Evee has a big head. Mikey giggles a lot, William loves reading, and
Evee breathes out of a trach.
Yes, Evee's challenges can be
demanding, and frustrating, but much like adjusting to the first
baby, I've adjusted to suctioning, trach care, administering meds,
managing nurses, etc. No, I am not perfect at being an SN mom, and
NO, I am not always happy and I get discouraged, I get frustrated, I
get saddened, and I even cry. But every mother, regardless of their
child's needs, feels these things. Evelyn's challenges became a way
of life, much like having another baby in our home is our way of
life.
My worries and concerns about having
another baby in the home? Totally calmed. You cannot believe how much
my boys love both the little girls in our home.
They especially love
being able to hold Iralee, something they weren't able to do with
Evee until recently. Though Evee doesn't show any interest in Iralee,
I know that she watches her, sees the movements she is making. Plus,
Evee seems to be warming up. The other day Evee threw a ball to
Iralee...though maybe she was throwing it at
her.
As for Todd and I and our relationship?
Iralee has only brought us joy. It is so
great to hold a baby, play with her, rock her. It is so great to hear
a baby babble, even to hear a baby cry (you never really appreciate that sound until you can't hear it). And Iralee is such a gem. Her
eyes light up. She gives the best “scrunchy-nosed” smile that
lets you know that she is genuinely happy. She is pleasant, she is a joy, and a great addition to the family.
I also could not
believe the support of others that we have felt. I never had anyone
tell me that I was crazy, but rather I felt the love and
understanding of those around me, those far away, those that knew me
and those that did not.
I am so grateful to
have this angel in our home. I am grateful that she came when she
did. There were no mistakes, no accidents. God had a precious gift
for us, for our family, for our home, for our lives. I am grateful
for a faith-driven husband that listened to the Spirit, even when I
was trying to ignore it. I could not imagine the wisdom in having another baby join our family at such a stressful time. Now, I cannot imagine our lives without this
girl.
Thank you for
saving us Iralee.
