I don’t know what it is. But this last week I haven’t been able to sleep. It’s not that I can’t sleep but its what I fear when I do. There are just so many nightmares that I’ve been having and every night I stay up until I can’t anymore so that I can stay away from facing those nightmares for as long as I can. It’s really affecting how I am throughout the day because I can feel that I am a lot more irritable and easily tired. I just want to sleep but I don’t want to face the sadness when I do.
March 28, 2014
Words of the Dead
In one of my Sociology classes today we had the opportunity to read a number of suicide notes, because that is the lesson that we are currently on. It was a really sobering experience knowing that the authors of these types of notes are not living anymore. How is it different than than any other works of literature written by long passed away people? Such as those memoirs by presidents past, history books written centuries ago, and those other works of literature by Shakespeare and other literary visionaries…Well for one, all of the ones that we had the opportunity to read through were written recently. Not only that but there was a voice, of pain, loneliness, and sorrow that was tangible throughout most, if not all, of them.
I have never really felt any thing like the ping of emotion that I felt while reading through these. It really struck a chord with me especially, because I remember having a similar kind of mindset way back. And it is something that really connected with me even though I have never met the author(s). These emotions are something that we all share in, loss, heartbreak, and loneliness. What really got to me though, is the notion that these people were so beyond the point of hope that the only option was to give up. No one should ever have to reach that point. It’s almost a sad thought knowing there are more than 7 billion people now and some people are still alone. Anyways I could only imagine the faces of the parents as they came home to find this on the counter top. No parent should ever have to bury their children.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D7OP6UrBcQ (play while reading, put on repeat if necessary)
Here is one example that I felt really encapsulated all of the emotions that were spread throughout a majority of these notes:
Dear Family,
I want you all to know that this is something that I have been considering for a long time. I have been thinking about things very much and I have come to this decision out of my own free will. I knew that I have hurt all of you very much, and I hope that you don’t ever feel like I did it on purpose. I love you all very much, even though I never told you as much as I should have. Please don’t ever feel like you let me down in any way. You all have never been anything but the perfect parents.
God truely blessed me when he gave me this family. God gave me a gift one time and since the I have done nothing to repay him. I have let him and you all down so many times. So now I am taking this moment to apologize for it all. I know that this is very painful and confusing to you, but always remember this was my choice. At this time in my life, I am so homesick for a country which I’ve never been. I am just one step closer there now. I’m resting now ad I will see all of you again one day. I’d like to thank you for giving me life and allowing me into your hearts. Mom, I understand everything you said to me now. You have always been right. I know I could never pay you back but I want you to know that I understand. Please, please don’t feel sad because of me.
I am very happy with what I had here and what I’ve got waiting for me. I need you guys to be strong now, just like I know you are. You all will get through this together. Please always remember that this was my choice and the reason I did this is very simple. I’m tired of life. I’m tired of this place. I just don’t want to grow older. Dad, thank you for always being there, and for trying to teach me to be a man. You two hug (name) for me. I love you three more than anything, and this goodbye won’t be forever, just for a little while.
Mom, please tell (name), that I love him. (Name) is a good man with a good heart. He is just a little rough around the edges, that’s all. He is a good friend. Thank you all very much. I love you and always will.
Your Son and Brother
(Signature)
______________________________________________
We always seem to care about the loss of a person, but never to those that are currently in the struggle. It’s almost a shame that people will resort to taking their own life because of the amount of pressure has finally broken their limit. I know that for some people that they only need an outlet to share their feelings. Someone to listen to just what’s going on in their lives. And it really does make a difference when you are able to let those worries and hardships come out into the open and verbalize them. Find that outlet, be that outlet! You never know how much of a difference one smile, hello, handshake, what say you…that it can make. Let’s start focusing on the issues now, so that we won’t have to read any of these letters down the road.
October 24, 2013
2 Years! Already?!
I just had to post a little something here for today. It’s already been two years since I started this thing. I remember sitting in my apartment trying to stave off of homework, ironically, which is exactly what I’m doing right now. I remember seeing some really awesome posts and thought, wow, maybe I could do that. It would definitely save me from studying from this test that I have. And so, that’s how it happened. And from then on, I was able to escape to here whenever I became stressed. It was actually really therapeutic. I could say whatever was on my mind at the time, and I would feel better for saying. No matter if anyone read it or not.
It was something for me, something where I could just write down my thoughts so that my head wouldn’t explode. But then I realized that I’ve been going about this the wrong way. It doesn’t matter what I would post, because it’s just another post in a sea of endless thoughts, memories, goals, poetry. The real gem was reaching out and getting to know some of the other people on here. I feel like I probably mention this way too much, but I’ve learned a lot more about myself through the writings of others.
I remember a lot of my earlier posts would be just complaining, complaining about things that didn’t even matter. However, when I got to read some of the other posts out there, I immediately realized that I could have it worse, so much worse. It really put into perspective what I am thankful for, no matter how small or insignificant it may be. Time is the most precious gift, words from the heart were the best medicine. Anyways, if you are reading this, YOU, you are the reason that I still come back to this website 2 years later. Even if you’re one of my regulars [looking at you pouringmyartout], or if you’re just stopping by because of a random post that you had some sort of connection with. The Lucid Dreaming one seems to be a hit…I’ve seen a lot of WP accounts start, then die off and then just disappear and it does feel like I’m losing a bit of myself, especially if I ever had the opportunity to exchange words with you.
I make it a point to get back to every person that has either followed, commented, liked because I think that it’s important that if you took the time to reach out, why don’t I have the time to return the favor? Anyways, thanks for all the support everyone. Those awards that I received…all from you. To me WP awards don’t really mean too much, but just the fact that someone took the time to nominate me for my mediocre writing (ha!) is what really means the most. Which is why I do them, so that I could get recognition back your way. Life is good on this end, I wish the same for you on yours. Just have to remember that happiness is the journey, not the destination. Keep being awesome! [Also I just realized this is my 90th post, good way to end to years with a even number :P
September 22, 2013
To Fly Away
I just had the saddest yet most peaceful dream just the last night. Even if I would’ve passed away in my sleep it wouldn’t have mattered since I haven’t felt that reconciled with myself in such a long time. Anyways for some reason, in my dream, I decided that I would just stop everything and travel the world. And for some reason, the first place I picked was Russia but for whatever reason it was, it was beautiful. I was traveling with just a few friends and there seemed to be nobody on the roads. Absolutely nobody, almost as if I was discovering a new world. I was taken aback at how different the road signs and traffic laws were and the unnatural lack of people in the countryside.
Driving through this countryside and taking in everything that was unfamiliar was almost too much, but it was also a welcome getaway from all the pain that I have felt over the years. The pain that I have not had the chance to properly let go, just sitting there in the bottom of my heart building over the years. It was a welcome getaway, just me and a few friends (and both my parents, which was a bit odd). Anyways throughout the course of my dream, each person began to fade away one by one, and it was almost as if I had never known them in the first place. Eventually I ended up in a city by myself, on my own and I felt that this was what was planned for me from the beginning.
I began to realize that I was starting to feel a bit lonely being just one person in a bustling city (although nobody was there to keep it bustling). And I realized that there are some things that I just can’t do on my own. Even thought that that is how I have done things as long as I can remember. I would do anything than to accept that I needed help on something. I feel that when I do things myself and have that quiet time set aside for me, I know who I am on the inside and forgetting that is the scariest thing. It’s easy to forget your own values and morals when you are constantly surrounded by others.
But I also realized that you can’t reach your maximum potential if you don’t have the right person to complete you. Someone to hear you out when you’re down, to pick you up when you’re just too beat down to do it yourself. And in this city, when I felt that I could no longer do it on my own that person walked into my life and showed me that it’s more about doing things on your own.
However, this would have never happened if I had just dropped everything and left to find myself in another place. I feel that most of us live in a sort of daily routine which numbs us to the beauties that surround us every single day. For example, I live in a place with the Rockies as my view and the sunrise over the mountains is absolutely amazing, but I take that for granted now and it’s nothing special anymore. I only realized that because my roommate was talking about how awesome it was the other day and made me remember how awesome it really is.
I feel that if we break away from this routine of day to day indifferences we can truly realize that we live in an amazing world, and maybe, just maybe you’ll find that special person to share that with. And I guess, according to my dream, my way out of this cycle is to find a place where I’ll be thrown out of my comfort zone and have the courage not to come back. Anyways I’m starting to lose my train of thought here. I tried to write this as soon as I got up, before I forgot but I keep getting distracted and daydreaming. I almost wish I had never woken up.
August 19, 2013
Life is Good.
Wow! I have not put up a post or anything in a long time! And it sure feels good to be back, that’s for sure. School’s about to start meaning I’ll have a ton more time to waste (haha) just kidding. I really have to make this last year count! It’s all gone by so fast…Soon I will experience the last first day of school ever, and I will be sucked back into my studies. But I thought I’d just put up something, since it brings back all those memories of blogging late into the night, hiding in my closet of a room so that I wouldn’t have to deal with my awful roommates. But that’s another story!
Anyways, I’m just going to keep it brief here. I don’t really have anything on my mind at the moment. Hmm, looking back at the previous post I just want to thank everyone that helped me with my petition. I definitely reached my goal, but I couldn’t have done it without you! More than half of the signatures were from WP!
I’m at a standstill for posting anything stimulating at the moment, however, I would definitely like to get back in touch with you all! So definitely just stop by and say hey and I’ll get back to you! If you’ve never been to this blog feel free to say hey still! I love meeting new bloggers on wordpress, there are just so many talented writers! You have all encouraged me so much, more than I thought I was going to get when I first started, so I thought I would return the favor.
So if life is good, let me know why that is so. And if it’s not so great…still let me know. Like I said, I’d love to get back in touch! And I really don’t even know where to start…plus I can’t sleep.
April 21, 2013
One Favor
Hey all! So I’m doing a petition here for a class at school for a final project. I usually don’t like to ask for things on here, since I see my blog more of as a journal, but I would appreciate all the help I can get. Basically for this project, the first person that reaches 30 signatures will be supported by my professor to gain the recognition that it needs to help initiate a change.
This is a sociology class, and my professor is really into making petitions and raising awareness to various issues that are present around the nation. Because of this, he’s got some really good connections with awareness groups and non-profit organizations and is willing to dedicate his time to one of these issues. Since there are so many issues, however, some of these problems just fade into the background. Anyways this is my chance to bring to light some of the other things that often get overlooked in our society. So anyways here’s a piece of what I’m trying to raise awareness for:
“It’s more important than ever to protect federal nutrition programs that feed our nation’s children, but right now the sequester – which automatically cuts funding for a large number of federally funded programs – includes devastating cuts to the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC), cutting 600,000 mothers and kids from the program altogether.
Sequestration also cuts billions from education funding, including Head Start programming that provides preschool aged kids with important health and nutrition services. More than 70,000 kids would lose access to Head Start under the plan.”
Now I’m sure you can understand why this would be an issue to a number of people, especially for those that can not provide food to their children. It is definitely not talked about as much with much of the focus on gun control and other issues, but with your help every signature will make a difference in the long run. So to help this issue take off, all it takes is a minute of your time to sign a petition. That’s all you have to do. And if I do make it to 30 first, then it will just take off from there.
So that’s the link to the petition. Your signature can help to change some one’s life. So please, don’t hesitate to sign it and share it with others to raise awareness for this issue. Thank you!
April 2, 2013
First Rain
These are absolutely the days that I thrive in. It’s finally the season where the snow has turned to rain and I couldn’t be any happier. There’s just something about a rainy day, the overcast skies, and the constant patter of the rain on the window that makes me feel in a place that is so distant from here. I close my eyes and I am instantly transported to a place that might as well be heaven, or something close to it anyways. These kinds of days are the ones that allow my mind to wander and think about things that I wouldn’t normally think of. And speaking of rain, here’s another poem that I found from high school about rain.
No. 5
The rain began to fall
He lay there, unmoving
Unable, bleeding, dying
The cool summer mist
Blanketed those, fallen and broken
—
As the rain fell
He thought of why he was there
The interests of others
With their pristine gloves
And their self-absorbed wants
—
The rain grew heavy
He could feel the anger building
It was not his fight
Although the rain was cool
The blood was warm
—
The tears grew heavy
He would go home soon
Vision blurring
Fading
Into blackness
—
He thought of her
One last time
As the rain washed away the pain
And remembered
Why he was here
.
And there you have it! Hopefully you enjoyed. These kinds of things are definitely harder to post, since they are of my own feelings (in a raw form), but I feel that it may be of better use here than in my notebook. You all have a great rest of your day :)
March 31, 2013
What is success?
I remember growing up, hearing a lot of my friends say that they want to be successful in life when they grew up. But as I got older, I realized that everyone’s definition of success varies quite vastly from one person to the next. Some people saw success as owning many sports cars and being a successful business owner. Others saw success as following in the footsteps of someone that they viewed as successful. But what is success?
Now, this is only from what I’ve seen and experienced, but I feel that success is something that is entirely relevant to your situation. You don’t have to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner in order to be a successful person. You don’t have to be the founder of a new technology that will revolutionize the way people live. Yea, that’s totally an awesome goal to reach for, but you can find success in everyday little things as well.
As humans, I feel that we are accustomed to having something more. We are never quite satisfied with where we are at. If we could only have that one object, or know that certain person, everything would be better. But I’ve found out that it doesn’t matter what the ‘next’ thing is, if you’re not satisfied with yourself, then you might miss all of those little things is life that can make even the smallest successes into the greatest achievements.
In high school, I felt that the greatest success would be if I were to get into the college that I wanted to. But now that I’m in that college, it doesn’t really feel like the success that I had imagined. Now my vision of success is to graduate and get a job. But being in Air Force ROTC really is a blessing in that I don’t have to worry about that. It’s always something more, what can I do more to be more successful. It is a consuming dilemma.
But I realize that success is what you make it. I realize that if I look back one year from today and see the type of person that I was then, if my past self would be proud of the person I am now, that is success for me. If I am a better person now, than I was one year ago, that is something that I am proud of. And what does ‘better’ necessarily mean?
We live in a world with over 7 billion people now. It is very easy to look down on others or be selfish and look out for #1. Very easy. But success for me is knowing that I am just another person, knowing that I can make a difference in the life of someone else. A few summers ago, I went to a camp for disabled children, a volunteer opportunity to serve those that were diagnosed with various debilitating illnesses. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences I’ve had the opportunity to have. At the end, the camper I took care of was in tears, because he told me that out in the ‘real’ world no one has treated him with the love and care that we were able to provide. And it was definitely a stinger to the heart, because knowing that when he went back to his school others would pick on him (some of his stories were heartbreaking). For these kids, this camp is heaven and knowing that I made a difference in one other person, I saw that as a major success in my life. Knowing that I can be like a large majority of people, looking out for only myself, but I choose not to be. I have the means and the resources to help others, so why keep it all to myself?
Because of that one experience, along with a countless others, I am on my current path now of being that officer in the Air Force. Why, the Air Force? Serving in the military that protects the rights of people like you and me seemed to be the best way I felt that I could give back. Not only that but following the example that my dad put forth, being in the Army was a major contributor to my decision. I don’t know what it was, but there’s just something so gratifying in helping others and putting yourself 2nd to put the needs of those around you.
And that is what success is to me. Knowing that if I’m able to make someone’s life even just a bit more easy at my expense, it was all worth it in the end. It’s not what I can do for myself, or about the amount of money, or the number of people that you know. It’s about knowing that someone did that for me, who didn’t even know me, before I was even born. This one’s to the one that saw the value in my life even before I was born. This one’s to you, Jesus.
From 2009
March 30, 2013
Any help would be appreciated!
Hey everyone!
You all have been there for me time and time again and it’s one of those things that keeps me going, actually. It’s amazing to know that about a year and a half ago, I took that step to spill all of the emotions, experiences, and observations that I had in my life thinking that no one would even care. And that’s fine, since I was really only doing this as a personal kind of thing.
But when people started to relate to the things and thoughts that only I thought I had, it really opened my eyes to all of the wonderful folk out there. Those same people that were there for me through thick and thin. Reading through all of y’alls post reassures me to the utmost that there are good people with compassionate hearts still out there in the world. And although I only know most of you by your blog names, every person that follows, every person that I have the opportunity to interact with really does mean a lot to me.
All of those perspectives, lifestyles, views, aspirations. It is very refreshing to know that there are people still in this world that I have had the opportunity to exchange words with (even if they were only through this website as a medium). Each and every one of you have really added to my own personal outlook on life in some way or another and life means that much more to me. So thank you.
So I have just one favor, and it should only take a minute at the most. I am hosting a petition and all of your support would be well appreciated! Here’s the link to the petition.
You can find more information there, but the main jist is to protect children’s access to food. 1 in 5 kids are exposed to a lifestyle where food is something that is hard to reach. And that should not be a problem for our children. My goal is to get 100 signatures, to raise awareness to this issue, and I know that this is something that can be done in no time. The WP community is one that I come to time and again for help like this, because I know you all have compassionate hearts. And if you could take that 1 minute to look through this proposal and sign this petition it would mean a lot to me.
It feels good to come back, knowing that people are still reading through my posts and sharing their ideas with me. I look to start writing some more here pretty soon, plus I need to get back at all of you for nominating me for these awards that I am always humbled to receive! There are so many other talented writers out there and when I get picked for these awards it really makes me wonder what makes me stand apart from them to get them.
Anyways, sorry about the long post, but there isn’t an amount of words to show how much I am grateful to each and every one of you. I will definitely make it a point to come back so I can catch up on all of your posts, because I know I missed a lot. But other than that, you guys keep being awesome!
And here’s a little something to keep you jammin in the meantime. Oh and Happy Easter to all of you!
On Windy Days 