"Women need to be able to talk about their bodies, and not be ashamed of what they need to talk about". (Benn)

A friend was telling me of her post menopause complications that resulted in her no longer attempting sex or having pap smears because of the agony it caused. She gave it a medical name (and I'm sorry I can't remember the technical term) and said her doctor had told her 10% of women suffer from this but no one talked about it. A bit of googling is not finding the medical name but apparently 20-30% of women suffer from dysparenuia post menopause. 

My shock is not that this happens (though it's a terrible side effect of estrogen leaving the body), but that it's so common and we aren't warned about it or told about it. I did the maths, there are just over a billion women over 50 on the planet. so conservatively (statistically), somewhere between 100 million women and 300 million women suffer from this. So why don't we talk about it? Why had I never heard of this seemingly common health problem? 

I am incredulous the percentage of those afflicted could be so high and yet it's not talked about. 

I've written before about how women's health is hidden in shame and that's a historic disservice to women. It's a way to keep us quiet and oppressed, dangling our 'usefulness' or lack of once we age as a way to make us feel obsolete.

Basically, if your body does it, it's probably a pretty common problem. Just because genitals and reproduction are involved, doesn't make it less normal. Let's normalise women's health, let's talk about it so we don't do to the next generation what was done to us.

In lockdown I did a history course out of the Harvard Library and they talked of the old Kotex machine that they have on the wall. It gave freedom for women to access sanitary items out of the house. Originally, these pads were sold in chemists in brown paper and hidden from view. It wasn't until a male marketing manager decided to boost sales by making the packaging fancy to push the idea of putting them on display. Kotex also made pamphlets to educate women that what happened to them was the sign of a health body (not dirty) and explained it all, both the biological process and what they could do to manage it. One woman talked about her personal experience with these pamphlets. When she first got her period, she ran to her mother scared she was dying and her mother didn't even explain what was happening, nor that it would happen again. It just wasn't spoken about. She gave her rags to 'look after herself' and told her it would stop.  This poor woman got such a shock when it happened a month later.

As far as menstruation goes, we've come a long way. Yet as far as women's sexual and menopausal health goes, we're still back in these old fashioned dark ages.

The title quote came up in this article which is worth a read. Whenever you read an article about healthy ageing for women, it's about diet and exercise, sleep and socialising. It never says 'be open and frank with your doctor and insist they don't write off your ailments'.  However, I am adding that to the list and advising all women to do the same.

I know I've said this before, but schools (and parents) need a comprehensive sex education that covers not just puberty but what happens at the other end of that. It is the only way to truly educate people on what happens to them and their partners in life. It gives teenagers an understanding of what is happening to their parents, and later, perhaps to their older sister or close aunt. The more frank and open, the less shame and embarrassment about the problems, the better it is for everyone.

As a fairly well educated woman, I'm ashamed I know so little of what is apparently afflicting 300 million people of my gender. And I have no idea how much more I don't know! Let's work together to make menopause matter so no one has to suffer in silence.

Please note, there is a petition for better women's health care here. Nothing to do with me. Just heard about it.

Linking with #TrafficJamReboot #WWWhimsy  #SeniorSalonPitstop

"It's not how old you are. It's how you are old." - Jules Renard

 Following on about last week's post about squeezing back into my wedding dress...I did indeed squeeze back into it. I did my make up and then went to put on the super high shoes before walking out the door, only to discover they didn't fit. At all. It was like the ugly stepsister trying to squeeze her massive feet into the dainty slipper. They could not even go in. I wore them to a wedding in 2019 and they were fine.

So this is an age or menopause thing.

What it was, was depressing. I found another pair of shoes that had to do.

I sat in the uber googling what was the cause of mystifyingly enormous feet.

Possibly menopause as the estrogen affects the collagen production (a building block in the connective tissues. Feet get wider (but not longer). It explains the foot issue after jumping too much at gigs that I complained about here. It may not be the Converse's fault. Just the old lady's fault for continuing to exist in her less than newly minted body. The old lady's fault for trying to keep doing what she's always done, against the wishes of the ravages of time.

I will say this again, when kids are taught puberty, they need to also be taught menpause. I did HSC Biology and I still keep getting unpleasant surprises that feels like my body is decaying from within, only to discover it's all perfectly normal.

Apparently we need to get our feet measured every time we buy shoes once we age....

I feel increasingly alien in this body of mine - it's no longer the shape it always was, and my face is weathered & worn. While I'm working hard on unlearning the beauty standards wired into me, this surprise attack of the feet has set me mentally aspin.

I'm sure he was meaning this in more complimentary terms but this speaks volumes to me at the moment.

“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.”
― Robert Frost

I feel very much unsuspectingly ambushed by time. It's both physically painful (literally at times) and mentally uncomfortable to know 'With every year, my personality becomes more inappropriate'. However, it is better than the alternative...

Linking with #Stylewithasmile 

Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame can’t survive being spoken. Brene Brown

Trigger warning on Miscarriage. Please consider if this will cause you distress. It's not anything personal nor particular interesting.

The Guardian Full Story had a feature this week called  "Medical misogyny and the government's plan to tackle it". This problem in medicine was also covered in depth in Dr Jen Gunter's The Menopause Manifesto, as a global and historical issue. 

When I was discussing some menopause problems with my GP, he said "I can recommend my colleague [a female GP] for you to see if you want to look at treatments". I pointed out that he was my doctor and I didn't want to have to see anyone else so he better get up to speed. He explained that she had better expertise and understanding. While I admired his honesty in his shortfall in knowledge and perhaps this is an improvement to the brush off women have experienced for years when they seek advice for perfectly natural complaints, I wonder how so many male doctors can historically be the care provider for pregnancy but not menopause? 

I am very late to the party but am listening to Clementine Ford's Fight Like a Girl on Audible. She raises the query as to why we are advised not to tell people we are pregnant before the 12 week mark. If a lot of us will experience miscarriage in that early stage, why expected to go through that on our own? It had never occurred to me before. This concept is putting shame on the miscarriage. A perfectly natural complication is something we 'should' keep secret. Surely this upsetting time is a time when our good friends should rally around and help us through? Not necessarily talking about it, but being there when we need it. Yes, your partner is there for you, and you for them, but they are going through the loss too. They may not be equipped to support you the way you need it while grappling with their own grief. And vice versa. Why, as women, have we gone along with this for centuries. I didn't tell people for 12 weeks, I thought you wouldn't want to have to tell everyone if you miscarried. It is what I'd been told to do. I never questioned it. If you did tell friends, surely in the process of showering you with love in your painful time, one of them would get on the blower and get everyone up to speed. The same way when you lose a parent, everyone gets told, not necessarily by you.

I have daughters, and I have decided I am not passing on this antiquated rule. Should they miscarry, I want them to be supported in the best way possible, not struggling alone. And I certainly don't want them to feel any shame on top of the grief.

I am old and I've had three children. It never occurred to me to question how illogical this 'advice' is. I am not wondering what else I've taken on without thinking. This stuff is wired into us from an early age and we just roll with it. It took me to reach perimenopause before I even realised that is a natural part of life that is shrouded in shame and secrecy. And just like 12 week rule, I don't think it's a good thing. 

However, the tide is shifting. My then primary school daughter talked freely about periods at the dinner table in front of the males. This is a far cry from my teens in a girls boarding school where we skulked around trying to hide the fact we were menstruating from each other every single month (which is ridiculous when I think probably all the girls in the dorm were synced with each other). I am talking openly  about menopause with anyone (should the need arise) regardless of gender, and definitely using the word, instead of those weird 'The big M' or other such nicknames it has. I am embarrassed to say it’s often because I’m astounded at hope little I knew about it as an educated, adult woman (I find it genuinely perplexing)....and I am very glad to see governments are becoming aware of the problem and trying to do something about it. 

This great educator, Mr Pink (well worth following) put this up on twitter. I was perplexed that he was embarrassed by his lack of knowledge when I didn't know anything until I started going through it!

I like this quote but I wish the book had a different title. These medical issues are just natural diversity rather than imperfection. 

“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it- it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” 

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection 

Linking wiht #FriendshipFriday

Age against the machine

 Melissa Doyle has made a podcast for Audible called Age Against the Machine on the many issues women face or feel as they age, and how to embrace ageing positively. It's worth a listen, though for me I was probably more ahead in my comfort level to gain much from it (all those times of being told how old I am at Festivals has weirdly boosted my confidence to just throw myself into things without worrying what people think, evidently). However I found it interesting all the same, so recommend it.

It gets different perspectives on ageing from around the world, on appearance, power, confidence and relevance. Our normal is not necessarily normal. Or maybe there are some warnings of where we don't want to follow.

The big takeaway for me came from a woman called Joan Nestle, an activist and author, among other things. She says "If history comes knocking at your door....Open it." As this country seems to be widening the inequity and inflicting so much suffering on the population, perhaps as we age we need to start carry the load for others. We need to demand change, not just for our own interests, but for what is ethically wrong. She finishes with "Don't be afraid to stand alone....Don't be burdened by the yoke of respectability and all that means...If you see there is a real need to step into an unsafe place, to make yourself marginalised because of a larger issue, do it...Knowing even if it was just once, you stood up and said "I can't accept this..." Perhaps the real thing we need to embrace as we age, is our responsibility to make this country, and the world, a better place for the generations to come. We have failed at that, however maybe this will be where we benefit most in purpose and drive once our children have left home and we settle into retirement?

As an aside, I have a very successful friend in a high powered job who is taking a dramatic pay cut to work for a non profit. Another friend has moved from a prestige workplace to do the same. It manifests in different ways but the drive to do something with meaning, over something that makes money, brings purpose and fulfilment in later life. 

I think of that meme 'Never pick a fight with a woman over 40. They're full of rage and sick of everyone's shit.' There is a nugget of truth in that, so perhaps we need to harness that rage to change the paradigm (a fancy word for other people's shit)?

This is not a podcast specifically on menopause but it does frame the headspace in a more positive lens for embracing it.

As always, it starts with you, it starts today.

Linking with 

The M word

I'm just being silly. No hushed voices here. Menopause needs to be talked about, loudly, frequently and often. In mixed company. Otherwise more girls will grow up to be an old lady who apparently knows NOTHING about what's normal for the biologically female body. I fortunately joined a facebook group and am learning a lot. There is so much that is normal that people just don't talk about. Or didn't.

I think when we teach our daughters about periods, we should be teaching them also about menopause, because it is all the same thing. Currently we teach puberty akin to people who focus on the wedding day and not the marriage. Puberty and menopause are the same journey, just at different ends of the voyage. I am finding it ridiculous as an educated adult how much basic information I didn't know.

Emotionally I'm okay with it all. No negative feelings but the physical stuff is alarming until you understand what it is.

However, it's not all bad news and that's the bit we really need to talk about!

I just finished listening to (on Audible) The Menopause Manifesto by Dr Jennifer Gunter. It's a great book and 13 hours of detailed medical information covering symptoms, medicine, herbal remedies, diet, sleep, stigma, emotions and a gazillion other things. She also includes history and how the patriarchy has affected how women feel about menopause, and the importance of grandmothers on the world. Even though a lot of it didn't apply to me (yet), I found it really interesting and engaging.

However, there are two important points that no one ever talks about and I feel everyone should know - men and women. My two takeaways* after 13 hours of detailed information are this: Women going through menopause should get more oral sex as that solves a lot of problems (note get, not give) and they should also masturbate more in general as that might help a lot of wellbeing and physical issues too (not necessarily related to sex).

There you go, Doctor's orders! Peri-menopause is YOUR time!

*I might owe Dr Gunter an apology, that after all her indepth information and well researched historical analysis, I have focused on two throwaway lines in the book. If you feel that isn't the sort of information you need to know, don't dismiss the book. It has something for everyone and is in no way frivolous or dismissive in arguments or ideas. It has great advice on how to frame the experience with a different lens too.

PS. If you haven't seen this film, it's great. I went with my friend and her mum, and her mum was the first person to tell me that you could have hot flushes for TEN years! You can go through Menopause for a full decade! By the way, I am aware I use Menopause incorrectly - another side effect of my lack of education on this matter. My understanding now is if you are experiencing symptoms, then you are in Peri-Menopause. If you are finished, you are in Menopause (you have reached menopause?). Though feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.