What’s the word I’m searching for? Shallow…That’s it. That’s how I felt — shallow. No; maybe it was superficial. Oh let’s just get right to the heart of it and admit what I truly felt was useless. I was merely taking up space on this planet and I wasn’t sure it was even my space.
It was another late night and once again I found myself sleepless sitting in front of the tv watching one more informercial for some ridiculous kitchen gadget. It was enough to send me over the edge. Or maybe it was a ledge, not an edge — I was close to climbing a ledge and taking the big leap. But then again, I’m afraid of heights.
And then He showed up. Oh crap…here we go again. He is always there when I begin to wallow to pull me back off the precipice and speak to me of hope. I realy wasn’t in the mood for this discussion.
“Just leave me alone. I’m not worth your time,” I said outloud.
In the small still voice in my head came….”You aren’t shallow; you aren’t useless. I didn’t make you that way. I gave you special gifts when you were created; some of which you are aware; some you use frequently much to my delight. You have gifts which will surprise you when the time is right. In MY time, beloved, not yours.”
“Oh puhleeze…here we go again with that My time versus yours stuff.” But I knew He was right; His time would always trump mine. Good thing God and I never played chess.
I climbed back into bed and fell asleep. I dreamed of an old woman with snowy white hair. She seemed so pleased to see me and immediately invited me to join her for tea. I looked around and realized we were in some type of nursing facility. I could hear everyone in the background; the tv in the sitting room, ladies in brightly colored smocks milling about and I could smell flowers. An elevator dinged signaling someone’s arrival. But this little lady tugged at my sleeve and looked at me as if I should understand to follow her and have tea. I woke up in a cold sweat.
Looking at my alarm I realized I had forgotten to set it; I was late for my volunteer job at the Senior Assisted Living Center. I gulped down a cup of coffee, grabbed a muffin and got in my car.
I always enjoyed volunteering at the Center. I felt good when I was there –like I was giving something back to my community. I didn’t have a specific job there per se. I just generally showed up on Tuesdays and brought little items for the residents; books, magazines, a comb. Sometimes I would read to someone. Other times I sat and visited. Whether they knew me wasn’t important. I always hoped someday someone would do this for me. Most of these people were Alzheimer’s patients and knowing I carried the gene for this devastating disease made me want to spend time with these souls who were slowly losing their way. I too, was losing my way and I felt a connection here.
I walked into the facility that Tuesday morning and all was quiet. How unusual. No one was around. Coming down the hallway toward me was a tiny old woman with snowy white hair. I remembered my dream and was a bit surprised as she approached me. But this was different from the dream. There was no one else around. No one. No background noises, no ladies in colorful smocks. Just the old woman and me. She reached for my hand and led me to a sitting area. We sat on a lovely damask sofa. Feeling a bit awkward I introduced myself and asked her what her name was. She told me, “You may call me Hattie; all my friends do.” “Alright, I said, “Hattie it is. What can I do for you today? Would you like me to read to you or maybe brush your hair? “Oh no, dear,” Hattie replied, “That’s not necessary. I’m not staying long. My son is coming to take me home later today. Let’s have a nice cup of tea and chat for a bit.” I turned around to see an orderly carrying a tray with a china pot and two tea cups. I had never seen him here before. I shook my head as Hattie said, “Will you pour, dear? I’m afraid these days my hands aren’t as strong as they used to be.” I poured our tea, handed Hattie her cup and said, “So Hattie, what shall we chat about?”
“Well, dear, we need to discuss your feelings of uselessness of course. I thought I made myself clear in our little chat last night but you weren’t paying attention were you sweetie? You simply must start listening to me. You do have gifts and it’s time to start using then. You are needed.” She smiled and took a sip of her tea. I excused myself to go to the ladies room promising I would be right back. Hattied just smiled and continued sipping.
I was only gone a couple of minutes but when I returned Hattie was nowhere to be seen. I did see a nice lady in a brightly colored smock behind a desk close to the sofa. I walked over to her and said, “Excuse me, but did you see where Hattie went? We were having tea over there on the sofa and she seems to be gone. Did she say when she woulld be back?” Looking over over at the empty sofa and chairs in the sitting area and with a strange look on her face, the smocked lady said, “Honey, no one named Hattie lives here. We have a Dottie, and A Betty, but no Hattie. You must be mistaken.
Parchment Monkey 