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Archive for the ‘memories’ Category

Pat had no idea what to expect as she neared her old neighborhood. This was her first visit back in so many years. The years had flown by. Married, divorced, buried both parents and a baby; this journey to her childhood home was a difficult one, yet she felt compelled to see it one more time.

Each street she turned down brought an avalanche of memories; some good, some not so good. She could hear kids yelling and screaming as they skated down the sidewalks or played in makeshift cardboard box forts…so long ago. Sitting on front porches, hanging out on the steps with the gang drinking Cokes and singing the latest tunes, dreaming of going to the beach after graduation some day; the memories started spilling out of the boxes where Pat had stored them.

On that corner, under that street light, her first boyfriend had kissed her. Such a bittersweet memory; he had been killed in the war. Over there – why, that used to be a corner market where Pat always went to get candy. Now it’s a McDonald’s. Things change. People change. Life goes on.

Arriving at her old street, Pat was surprised to see that many of the houses were gone; torn down and replaced with huge structures that didn’t fit in with the neighborhood architecture. These behemoths sat on tiny plots of land and made the houses around them look sad and neglected. What a shame.

Pat’s house was still there in its original form; the carport was intact. She could see the metal fence surrounding the back yard; the same back yard where she had played with her collie, Prince. As she drove by, Pat noticed the old redwood deck that Dad had built all by himself. The house looked so tiny – that’s not how Pat remembered it. As a youngster, that house had been huge with the terrifying gravity furnace in the basement. Pat never went to the basement.

She drove on. No sense stopping. She envisioned walking up to the front door, knocking and telling the owners she had once lived there as a youngster. Would they let her come in and look around? The odds were slim the current owners would allow it; too much crime these days. You can never be too careful. Just look at all the alarm signs at various houses. When Pat lived here, the front door was always unlocked. “How times have changed,” she thought to herself.

At the corner was the two story brick home that belonged to Mrs. Juvinetti. Ah…Mrs. Juvinetti. All the kids loved her. Children would show up at her door and find that Mrs. J had just baked chocolate chip cookies; everyone was invited in and there was always enough cookies and milk to go around. Pat spent many hours at the Juvinetti household and had even roomed in college with Cindy Juvinetti until the night of the murder. Pat hadn’t thought of Cindy in a very long time.

She pulled the car to the curb. The memories were overwhelming her. Pat got out of the car and walked up to the Juvinetti house. The grass needed mowing; the bushes were overgrown and the paint on the shutters was peeling. “I wonder…” she thought to herself.

Arriving at the front door, Pat rang the doorbell and stood back from the door. In a few moments, the door opened and there stood an old, stooped white-haired woman dressed in a flowery housecoat. Though the years had taken their toll, there was no mistaking Mrs. Juvinetti. She was still alive and Pat was so excited to see her again.

“Mrs. Juvinetti!” “Mrs. Juvinetti!” “It’s me, Patty Connor from up the street. The old lady looked at Pat and slowly started to smile. Then she opened her arms and in a soft voice said, “My little Pattycake!” “Come in, come in!”

Pat walked into the house and immediately smelled the mustiness of years of dust and clutter. Mrs. Juvinetti had always taken such pride in her home. Now it was decaying, like Mrs. J. Pat was saddened to see the conditions in the house.

Mrs. Juvinetti led Pat to the living room and Pat sat on the same sofa that had been in that room during her childhood years. It was a very large piece of furniture, with a bright floral pattern now stained and worn with years of use. Mrs. Juvinetti gently lowered herself into an armchair – the kind that had hand-crocheted antimacassars on the arms and the back of the chair – Mrs J had lovingly made those so many years ago they were yellowing.

Pat felt bad she hadn’t kept in touch with the Juvinetti family after Cindy had been so tragically killed. It was simply too painful. And then the years got away from her.

But she was here now and wanted to take advantage of the time as Pat knew this would be her last trip home. Her life was elsewhere now. She would stay a few minutes; have a cookie and reminisce then be on her way.

“Mrs. Juvinetti, you look wonderful,” Pat commented.

“Oh my dear girl, I’m an old woman now just waiting to die. There are so few children in the neighborhood these days. Not many come to visit me anymore. I still bake my cookies, but now once a week a nice lady picks me up and we take the cookies to the hospital and share them with the children’s wing. You know how much you loved my cookies when you were little! Why don’t I make us some tea, dear, and while I put the kettle on maybe you would go out to the garage and get some cookies out of the freezer for me. They will only take a few minutes to thaw out and then we can sit and chat to our hearts content.”

“That sounds lovely, Mrs. J – I’ll run to the freezer and be right back.”

Mrs. Juvinetti slowly got up from her chair and shuffled out to the kitchen. Pat stood up and stayed in the living room for a moment just taking it all in. She turned and went through the side porch to the breezeway which led to the garage. Opening the garage door, Pat saw the tall freezer at the end of the room and walked over to it. Pat smiled at the thought of those wonderful chocolate chip cookies.

She opened the freezer door and reached inside for a package of cookies. But there were no cookies in the freezer. There were no shelves in the freezer either. All that was in the freezer was the bent and long-frozen body of Mr. Juvinetti.

Perhaps it’s true…you can’t go home again.

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How her feet hurt in those new penny loafers as they both ran to catch the bus.  “Slow down, please!”  It was so difficult to keep up with an adult who wasn’t hampered by ugly new shoes.  Leaping up the stairs of the bus and dashing down the aisleway to the last seats available, she knew without a doubt those loafers were going to cause a nasty blister on at least one heel. 

Oh, how hot it was on that bus.  All the windows were down but the wicked stepmother got to sit next to the window and the little girl with the hurting heels sat in the aisle seat bumping up against a rather large man on the opposite side of the bus.  He was sweating profusely.   The bus was crowded that day and the young girl hoped with all her might their trip would soon end.  She had recently worked on vocabulary words at school.  Recalling the word “aromatic”; the child thought it a perfect word for that bus. She smiled to herself for a quick moment.  It was going to be a long day.

Arriving at their bus stop, she was hurriedly pushed off the bus toward their destination, that ugly lump of hospital looming on the horizon.  She didn’t want to go there.  Her feet hurt even worse than before; she was hot and sweaty, and not looking forward to what was coming.

Inside the hospital, the smells changed drastically.  There was disinfectant, strong perfumes,  and a strange odor she couldn’t identify.  She hoped it had nothing to do with dead or old people as she knew that’s what happened in hospitals; you go there to die. At least that’s what they told her had happened to her real mother.  She never was quite sure of the story.

Into the doctor’s office she was propelled and quickly found a seat, slipping out of those nasty loafers she had been forced to wear.  Why would anyone wear brand new shoes knowing full well a day of walking was ahead?  She sat and pondered her position in life and realized she had no say in anything.

As her name was called, she put on her new loafers over the raw patch on her heel and limped into her future.

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It was the ugliest wallpaper she had ever seen. A white background with threatening tendrils of dark green ivy growing every which way.

Surrounding the small dining alcove, the wallpaper appeared to grow onto the walls like kudzu gone wild inside the house. She found it very disturbing to her young brain and it hurt her eyes to follow the various tendrils as they snaked their way around the room without ever breaking apart. Ever. The tiny room had been wallpapered in one fell swoop. There were no seams. She wanted seams. Seams would mean the ivy had no chance of continuing to grow into another room.

At about 10 feet by 12 feet, the dining room was cramped at best.  Still it was stuffed with very old and heavy mahogany furniture.  Between the furniture and the ivy tendrils, she knew the room couldn’t breathe.

Against one wall was a buffet upon which stood a regal sterling silver pair of pheasants. She always thought silver birds were a bit pretentious and she waited for them to tarnish. But they never did. Other priceless pieces of sterling sat on the buffet and yet none of it was ever used.

Across from the tall buffet was a small mahogany table with only two chairs. Other chairs were hidden somewhere else in the house to be brought out when company arrived. She had once seen the table reach the entire length of the dining room — something called leaves had been put into the table. She thought again of the wallpaper. It had too many tendrils and not enough leaves; that was what was wrong with it. It wasn’t natural.

Nothing about that house or its occupants was natural.

On top of the table was a piece of lace. She had been told that it was very old. She liked to touch it and one day she put her finger through one of the holes and made them bigger. She thought it looked nicer that way — random. She didn’t like patterns. Patterns were too predictable. Predictable was dangerous.

It was some time after Christmas when she walked through the dining room at night alone. Others were in the house but they were occupied with someone called Lawrence Welk in the family room. The hallway light was on gently illuminating the dining room.

She casually visited each corner of the dining room and gently ran her fingernail down the corner of the wall from top to bottom. She had to step on one of the two chairs to do this and hoped no one would suddenly want a snack from the kitchen and discover her. She was on a quest. Corner by corner, she scored down all four until each wall was separated by a seam and the ivy was no longer connected.

She slept well that night.

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she was given some coins
to go to the store on the corner
Grandmama needed gingerale

she walked through the front path and out the white gate
closing it carefully behind her
like the big girl she was, she walked all the way to the store

she reached up to the counter and told the nice man
Grandmama needed gingerale
here are some coins

He got a bottle, took some coins,
and gave the rest back to her
she left the store happily holding her gingerale

halfway up the block a big dog came dashing out of a yard
he snarled, growled and barked at the little girl
she started to run; he began to chase her

SHE DROPPED THE BOTTLE AND IT BROKE

she ran and ran and ran until she got to the white gate
the nasty dog was right behind her
she managed to get into the yard and slam the gate

Grandmama was on the porch and came down the stairs.
Grandmama didn’t care about the dog.
Grandmama was angry because the little girl dropped the bottle

she learned a valuable lesson that day
a broken bottle of gingerale
was more important than a 4-yr old child afraid of a dog

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Her tiny tears fell as she lay huddled in the small hard bed in her cold room. Sitting up she saw her broken doll on one of the wooden chairs by the rickety child-size table on the other side of the room. She got out of bed and went to get her doll. She cried harder. Like being lost, she couldn’t find Mama. Mama had not been there for days and days and the little girl was frightened. She held her doll very tightly.

She began to sob; heart-wrenching cries as if her very soul was being torn from her little frail body. “Where are you? It’s dark and I’m afraid. Mama?”  Like Alice, she wondered had she fallen down a rabbit hole?

Hearing noises below, she opened the door of her room and walked barefoot into the hallway, past her brother’s room, past her parents’ room, past the only bathroom; the one with the broken black and white tiled floor. She stood at the head of the stairway as the voices grew louder. She heard the one called Grandmother. She was afraid of Grandmother. In her 4-year old mind, Grandmother was the Red Queen who cried “Off with her head!”   No, she didn’t like the Grandmother at all and for good reason.

On tiny cat paws, she crept down the staircase; one step, two steps, stopping and sitting down on the third step. Peering through the rails of the banister she could see her father at the dining room table, his head bent. Behind him stood the giant imperious Red Queen Grandmother in a long black dress with a feathered black hat on her big grey-haired head.

Though she was silent as a mouse, the Grandmother knew the child was on the steps.  Turning cold black eyes in her direction, the Grandmother pointed at the child and quietly said, “This is your doing.”

And Mama never came home again.

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It took all the strength she could muster to journey to the workshop.  Sneaking past the old woman she climbed down the steep staircase, past the ancient washing machine with the contraption she was always afraid might accidentally eat her arm while wringing out the laundry.  What a large white monster it was.  She crept slowly by so as not to disturb it.

She walked into the workshop.  Her small feet stirred up the piles of wood shavings collected on the floor and she smelled the aroma of cedar. Light made its way through dirty windowpanes to land on a work table covered with the tools she both loved and feared.  Wood chips were flying through the air with wild abandon.  Gramps was hard at work on his latest masterpiece; a special chessboard just for his granddaughter.  Not caring it was a chessboard since she didn’t know what chess was, she was captivated by the different colored squares of wood – each piece a different type and color.

It was slightly cool in there.  The workshop was next to the little hallway which held the beast.  Every once in awhile Gramps would walk into the hallway, open the small black door on the beast and take a shovel and scoop more coal into its belly.  Fire would light up and heat poured forth.  Gramps would put the shovel back against the black furnace and walk back into his workshop, his gnarled hands once again lovingly embracing the old wood cutting tools.

She pulled a stool up to the workbench, hopped up and watched Gramps at work on the chessboard.  “Watcha doin’ Gramps?”  “Little of this, little of that,” he replied and reached into his pocket for the tin of chewing tobacco he always kept there.  He got that grin in his eyes and said, “Want some?”  He knew she would try it – she always tried it.  The little girl took a wad and put it in her mouth just the same way he did.  Holding out as long as she could and finally with Gramps laughing, she spit it out in the handkerchief he handed her.  She never won their chewing tobacco game.

Staying on the stool while Gramps sanded the board; the rhythmic motion of his sanding lulled her to sleep and she put her head down on the workbench.

The alarm clock jarred me out of a sound sleep.  I rolled out of bed, slid on my slippers and padded my way to the bathroom.  What was that on the floor – it looked like cedar shavings.  And why did I taste tobacco?

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I couldn’t help her climb out of the abyss this time.  It wasn’t that I didn’t try.  The flat-out refusal of help on her part pretty much stopped me in my tracks.

Death is like a Jack In The Box toy.  Life is the springs of the toy and Death is what jumps out when you finish the winding.  Jarring, shocking, unexpected even though you know the Jack In The Box is coming; death is there and the finality of it all is inescapable.

We had been estranged for two years.  She had called me one day to pass along a piece of “news” I did not care to hear.  The person she was gossiping about was already dead to me and I had never met his offspring; why should I want to know about either of them?  But no, she wouldn’t shut up; she simply had to tell me the latest and juiciest piece of information she had gathered from her little circle of informants.  The niece I had never seen was married and living in my town and her married name was…SHUT UP!!!  SHUT UP!!!  DON’T TELL ME THIS.  I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!

Why would any mother want to hurt her child by repeating something that could cause irreparable harm?  I simply couldn’t fathom what was going on in her mind.  It was bad enough that I knew my niece was the spitting image of me when I was in my twenties.  Now I knew she lived in my town.  Did this woman I called Mom not think I would spend my days driving around looking to see if there were any young women who resembled me?  And what was I to do while shopping in the mall — stare at every young woman, wondering if one of them was related to me?  The pain that had just been handed to me casually, like a petit four on a silver platter, was more than I could bear.

Continuing to scream, I threw the phone across the room and fell back onto the couch gasping for air.  I couldn’t breathe.  Her words had stolen every particle of air from my lungs.  How could simple words result in such torturous physical pain?  I couldn’t see; I was blinded by the rush of agonizing memories — the rejection bubbling up to the surface from the box in which I had stored it far back in the very furthest part of my brain.  In an instant I was choking and no Heimlich maneuver would save me.  What I choked on could never be spit out; it had to be swallowed all over again.

Two long years.  I finally wrote a letter to her and patiently explained why what she said hurt me.  She wrote back that she was the one hurt.  I was simply flabbergasted at that response.  Again, what was she thinking?  She gives me devastating news and SHE’S the victim?  I found myself feeling sorry for her.  This woman would never understand the damage her words often caused; she was clueless.

The call came one afternoon; a particularly bad afternoon for me as I was in the midst of a terrible time in my life.  I recognized the voice on the phone as her older brother.  He told me the diagnosis was Stage Four colon cancer and she was going to go through chemotherapy treatment and that her family was there to help her.  Oh, he casually mentioned she didn’t want to talk to me.  Regardless of past traumas and not thinking of past pains caused, I offered my assistance.  I could come out there and help — I had nursed her through her prior bout of cancer even though it almost cost me my job; I would be happy to do so again.  No.  No, that won’t be necessary.  I would be kept informed of her progress but my presence wasn’t necessary.  An old friend of mine from high school who was a nurse was taking care of her.

The audacity of it all blindsided me.  She was dying of cancer and yet I felt like the wounded child all over again.  This nightmare was never going to end.  She would always find a way to punish me and this time she would show me who was boss by not speaking to me nor allowing me to visit until it was too late.

The mean-spiritedness on her part and the tremendous sense of guilt on my part paralyzed me.  Once again I had been reminded that I was the red-headed stepchild and would always remain so.  The rules had been explained; the lines had been drawn; it only remained for me to wait and do as they said.  I was entirely too old for this nonsensical game-playing.  Nonetheless, I found myself sucked into their world again; a world of veiled truths and mindless chatter, of items inconsequential in lives I didn’t know.

I was summoned to her bedside.  It took all the strength I had to simply make the trip, let alone visit this woman I once thought loved me like her own.  As I arrived, I was swept up into embraces of step-uncles expressing words of love for me.  Love is an odd emotion to glibly hand someone you haven’t spoken with in ten years.

What was once an active woman had shrunken to a skeletal frame held together by the ash blonde wig on her bald head.  The voice so often heard spewing hateful words and venomous untruths was hardly recognizable and barely above a whisper.  Only her eyes were crystal clear.  She knew what was ahead of her and she knew her time was drawing near.  She spoke of love and of how good it was to see me.  I told her what she wanted to hear.

Monday morning was one of those rare beautiful summer mornings when the sun rises above the horizon and gently kisses the new day awake.  I basked in that sunshine as I made my way home — to my true home, not this other world where I was just a part of the furniture.  I drove and drove and the further away I got, the more I let go of the pain and the happier I became.  And yet in my happiness there was a tinge of remorse; a feeling of something being lost that was never mine to begin with.  I knew I would always remain the red-headed stepchild but the wound would heal.

What we think is an ending can also be a beginning.

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Pamela rolled over and glanced at the clock on her nightstand.  It was three a.m. and once again she was wide awake.  She lay there watching the menacing red numbers changing with each slowly passing minute.  Three-eighteen, three-nineteen, three-twenty.  Fluffing her pillow, she rolled away from the accusing time display but there was no comfort in that lonely bed.

“I might as well get up,” she thought.  “Lying here is just making it worse.”  Turning on the bedside lamp, Pamela slowly rose from the tangled bedsheets and slid her feet into slightly chewed blue fuzzy slippers.  A reminder of the pet she had loved for so long, Pamela couldn’t bear to part with the mangled shoes.  These were the last remnant of Rascal and she would keep these nasty slippers until they literally fell apart.

Pamela shuffled into the kitchen intent on making a cup of herbal tea to help her get back to sleep.  Opening the pantry door she noticed a large decorative tea tin up on the top shelf.  Taking it down, she carried it to the kitchen table.  This was no ordinary tea tin; Pamela knew it was an accidental repository of memories — memories long stored away, to be re-discovered when needed.  She had found this tin earlier in the week in the farthest reaches of the pantry one day while gathering cans of soup for the upcoming church food drive.  At the time Pamela thought it must hold tea bags way past their prime and was going to throw it out but noticed a rattle when she moved it.  Busy with the food drive collection, she placed the tin back on the uppermost shelf.

Now here it was again and she gently took it down from the shelf and carried it over to the kitchen table.  Opening the tin, Pamela turned it upside down and shook something out onto the table.  It made quite a racket; metallic, and rattled all the way out of the tin.  As the item bounced onto the table, Pamela’s heart skipped a beat.  She became slightly woozy and sank quickly onto a rickety kitchen chair.

The air in the kitchen seemed colder; Pamela instinctively hugged herself and shuddered as she looked at the item on her table.  Staring back at Pamela was a small silver charm bracelet with many charms attached; a remnant of her teenage years.

“My stars, this must be 40 years old,” she remarked to herself although she was alone in the kitchen with no one to hear her comment.  “How did it get into that old tea tin and what is it doing on the pantry shelf?”  Pamela couldn’t for the life of her recall stashing jewelry in her kitchen pantry and momentarily worried she might be exhibiting the signs of the dementia so prevalent in her family.

Herbal tea forgotten, Pamela spread the bracelet out on the table and inspected it.  A bit tarnished, but that was to be expected after all these years stored away in a tea tin.  She counted at least 17 charms and as she ran her fingers over each charm the memories started flooding back.

The bracelet had been a gift from her father.  Pamela remembered bugging him relentlessly to buy her one for her birthday.  All her girlfriends had charm bracelets and Pamela didn’t want to feel left out.  Her father told her it was frivolous and she should quit thinking of jewelry and concern herself with her schoolwork.

On the morning of her 15th birthday, next to her cereal bowl was a black box wrapped up with a red bow.  Pamela gently opened the box and inside nestled in cotton was a sterling silver charm bracelet with one small charm attached.  Her father had recently traveled to California and while there found a small charm that was an orange crate with little oranges in it and on the outside of the crate were the names of various cities in California.  Pamela was so surprised and thrilled.

The next few years as her father continued to travel he would bring her home a new charm for her bracelet.  Pamela would watch as her father got out his soldering kit and soldered a new charm onto her bracelet.

Sitting in her kitchen, she could almost smell her father’s pipe smoke as he would affix new charms to the bracelet.  Pamela picked up the bracelet, now heavy with charms and noticed charms from other states; California, Florida, Pennsylvania, North Carolina.  She saw the small St. Christopher medal her devout Catholic grandmother had given her and smiled at the memory of the gruff old woman always worrying about Pamela’s immortal soul.

Some of the charms Pamela recalled buying for herself during family vacations; the tiny Micky Mouse figurine from Disneyworld and the two different charms from Ocean City, Maryland, her favorite beach hang out.

For her high school graduation, she received a charm with the initials of her high school, WSHS.  After graduation, Pamela traveled and continued adding to her collection of charms; Jamaica, Nassau, New Orleans, a little cruise ship from a trip to Nova Scotia, a covered wagon with a small tag saying Estes Park, Colorado.  There were other charms, too, some Pamela couldn’t remember their story at all.  She found she was rubbing her fingers along the little crate of oranges and smiling.

Pamela wrapped the bracelet in a piece of tissue paper and placed it back in the tea tin.  Using the stepstool, she climbed to the top shelf of the pantry and placed the tea tin behind some boxes.  It would be nice to re-discover it one day in the future and remember happier times again.

Looking at the clock on the stove, Pamela saw it was still early in the morning; only 4:30 a.m.  She put the kettle on for her herbal tea and thought perhaps she might be able to get a little sleep this night after all.

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There were two visitations; one the evening before and one the day of the funeral.  She attended both; you never knew who you might see at these things.

She found the aroma of lilies cloying.  Funny how all funeral homes smelled like flowers with just the slightest hints of antiseptic and formaldehyde.  Everywhere she walked she was bumping into another spray of lilies or roses; baskets of flowers; flowers on pedestals; even one of those huge wreath displays like you see at the horse races.  There was a tacky black ribbon draped across it.  She read the card attached.  That explained it all; those people had such bad taste.  Good taste or bad, she knew people meant well.

At the evening gathering there seemed to be a continuous line at the guest register and she decided to skip signing the book.  She couldn’t think of anything to say; platitudes weren’t her strong suit.  Most people said the same trite words; “deepest condolences, so sorry for your loss, she’s in a better place, at least she’s out of pain now.”  What a load of crap people came up with when someone died.  On the other hand, she had said some of those same things herself in the past.  It probably had something to do with being uncomfortable with death and having trouble expressing sorrow.  Other peoples’ grief was embarrassing.  It was always difficult to know what words to use.  “If there’s anything I can do to help, please feel free to call me.”  That was one of the worst offenders.

The day of the funeral, while milling about the room, she noticed people she knew but all seemed engrossed in their own stories of the deceased.  “Wasn’t she a sweet person?”  “She had the funniest sense of humor and always made me laugh!”  “Why, she would give you her last dollar if she thought you needed it.”  “Whoever worked on her certainly did a good job; she looks so peaceful in that coffin, don’t you agree?”  “It was so sudden; I feel bad for her husband.”  Everyone seemed appropriately saddened.

She inched her way over towards the casket and peeked in.  Personally, she thought that peaceful look was phony and it looked like the pancake makeup was layered on with a spackling trowel.  That smile – Lordy, that smile was a fake as they come.  Whose idea was it to put her in that awful dress?  Anyone with a lick of sense knew she absolutely hated purple.  Who took her glasses off?  She doesn’t look right without her glasses.  And she never wore her hair that way; the part should have been on the other side.  Honestly, these funeral people really didn’t pay attention to details.  Then again, there wasn’t any family except her husband and he was probably too sad to pay attention to minor details like a hairstyle.  She imagined he was finding this the most difficult time of his life, poor man.

A few hours later, she slipped outside noticing all the little funeral home flags had been placed on the antennas of the cars.  It must be time to head to the cemetery for the graveside service.  She noticed activity at the side of the funeral home.  They must be loading the casket into the hearse.  She saw a few people being ushered into limousines all in their somber black attire.  A tall man with white hair had his arm around the shoulders of the other man she had seen inside; the grieving widower.  It was a painful sight and she couldn’t watch anymore.  She felt like she was intruding on a very private moment in someone else’s grief and in a way she was right.

After all, it was her funeral.

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