When will I be stronger?

 A few years ago, I went through some trials that just about consumed me.  It started with a very sad year of having 3 miscarriages in a row.  I then became pregnant with my 9th baby right around the same time that I became the chair of our home school commonwealth, a pretty big job.  This turned out to be a really hard year being pregnant and the head of an organization, and mentoring classes.  Almost everyone in our little group went through something big and hard that year which was a lot of extra navigating.  I had my baby half way through the year and she ended up in the hospital with RSV at 3 months old.  At the same time, a whole bunch of drama happened that could have easily destroyed our group.  I was trying to care for my sick baby and deal with upset people at the same time.  It was more acute stress than I had ever been through, and I thought I had done a lot of hard things in my life. A couple of months later I had mastitis so bad that I ran a dangerously high fever for a couple of days.  All of that to add to running a household of 11.  Moving on, I continued to get the brunt of people in our group who were not happy about this or that for another year.  The following school year, I continued to serve as chair and our home life was not doing so well.  I had over scheduled my kid's activities.  My oldest was in his first year of high school and needed to be driven to seminary, sports, etc.  My girls had dance, and there were lots of music lessons. I was probably averaging 6 activities a day.  Having a nursing baby and a high school-er was the busiest time for me as a mother ever. Having a high school-er and a baby is about as crazy as it gets in motherhood.   Meanwhile, my mental health was giving out. This description of this time of my life is just a glimpse of what was going on. I didn't have enough of me to hold everything together any more.  I felt kind of numb, I think, just to survive.  There was no peace and I felt like I might crumble all the time. 

You know how the scriptures tell us that our trials will make us stronger?  Well, for me, after 3 years of living in an extreme overwhelm, I was not feeling stronger.  I was worn out and mentally in big trouble.  My stress threshold became very very tiny.  Any small thing would put me over the edge.  I could no longer handle much at all.  My homemaking and mothering had been affected by all of this too. I knew I was in trouble, but had no idea how to fix it.  I wondered many times, if I would end up being institutionalized.

Then one day, the world stopped.  

I never thought that a pandemic could be an answer for me, and I am not glad that it happened that way.  But for me, suddenly it gave me the break that I desperately needed.  Just about over night, everything was cancelled.  There was nothing on my schedule.  I knew that it was time for me to heal. 

 The first thing I did was start walking.  I walked and walked and walked.  Every single morning I would roll out of bed, put on my shoes and head out the door.   I would walk for 2 or 3 hours sometimes.  I would pray, listen to the spirit and clear my head. I listened to a lot of uplifting talks, books, and podcasts.  I did this for months, never missing a day.

The healing was significant.  I was able to be more present with my kids and get my home in order. I felt so much more peaceful and closer to the spirit.  I was healing. 

 I was hoping I was healed, but that was not the case.

I wondered to Heavenly Father why I was doing all this healing, but my stress threshold hadn't changed.  I felt like a fragile little baby.  I couldn't handle much at all.  I thought that maybe some people can be so damaged that they can't become stronger.  And yet, that isn't the principle I was taught. 

As the next school year started on Zoom I felt that I wasn't ready to get back to it yet.  I wasn't there.  Every little stress did me in and I cried so easily.  I wondered if this was just what was left of me.  I continued to serve my school in a slightly lesser capacity and knew that it was a good thing for me that life wasn't completely back to normal yet.  After several months of healing, I still wasn't ready.  I was at least out of the danger zone though, that place where my sanity was in question.

Around this time, I talked with my doctor about what I had been through and how frustrated I was at how fragile I still was.  I didn't want to take anti-depressants at all as I do not like the side effects.  But I wanted to feel better.  I had done all that I could and it wasn't enough.  At my request, she gave me some natural supplements that I could try.  I continued to struggle and was growing tired of the fight to feel whole again. I fell into the worst depression of my life. It was a scary place where I no longer cared about getting better.  It felt good to feel bad. I had hoped that the supplements would be the answer, but I was running out of patience.  Just when I was thinking that after all this work and time, I was doomed to never be my old self again, it got better. It took a whole 2 months, but the supplements were helping!  I was slowly starting to feel that I could manage my life again. 

But there was still the fatigue.  I was so tired all the time.  This had slowly been getting worse over about 10 years.  Even though my mental health was improving, my physical health was worse than ever.  For about a year, I had been researching and trying every supplement I could get.  Some were very expensive and left me still depleted.  I went to a mom's retreat with all my best friends and found that every couple of hours I had to sneak off to my room at the beach house and rest or sleep.

At home, I was very diligent about giving my body a good night's rest and yet I would still have to take one or two naps each day. Sometimes I had a good hour of energy in the morning and spend the rest of the day on the couch.

Then one day the spirit spoke to me loud and clear.  I was praying and studying things out in my mind and the thought came to me like a conversation.  "Do you remember about a year ago when you found this certain iron supplement and you thought, I am going to try this other super expensive thing instead? Well, get back to that iron." I was prompted to look over all of my medical records from the last few years.   Every time I had my blood work done, there would be the comment from my doctor, "Your iron is a low." I had supplemented iron many times, but nothing ever seemed to help so I had given up. 

After replaying all of this in my mind, I ordered the iron that I was feeling inspired about.  Boy was that a miracle in a bottle.  Two days after starting on the iron, I started smelling pennies, or blood.  I couldn't figure out what was going on and then I realized I am probably getting that iron in my bloodstream.  Luckily that was just temporary and by the next day I got my miracle.  I began to bounce out of bed early each morning and could go go go all day long.  I felt super human.  I felt better than I had felt maybe ever.  This lasted about a month and then tapered off to what I think is my normal, a good even amount of energy.   

Many months later, I am still feeling better.   I work hard to take care of my body physically, spiritually, mentally and socially.  This is super important.  I love my early mornings with myself, renewing and growing closer to God.  I take all my supplements and feel pretty good.

It has been about a year and a half since those first days of healing began.  Just this morning I was studying and I suddenly realized how far I have come on my healing journey.  Once again I am serving on the board for our home school group.  Preparing for the school year, we have had one curve ball after another for the last couple of weeks. Its been a lot.  Life is really starting to get busy again.  On top of that, we have had the virus, which has been a crazy experience.  But as I sat and pondered it all this morning I had a realization.

I am stronger now! Finally!

I have taken the stresses from the last few weeks and navigated it like a boss, probably better than I could have before all of this. My home is running more smoothly than I can remember.  I am being the mother that I want to be.  It's not all too much!  All that work of healing and I am stronger on the other side after all. 

God is good.  His promises are real.  It isn't always as quickly as I want, and it took really hard work, but I know He was with me all along.  I was given what I was needed all along the way, like little assignements one at a time.  

And now strength, and gratitude. 

I'm just getting started.

World Wide Fast and Heaven on Earth

Today as a country we finished President Trums 15 days to stop the spread.  In his daily press conference, he extended the program for another 30 days.  Our governer put us on quarentine a week ago.  Through all of this, I have been enjoying being home so much with my kids.  Home has truly been a refuge from the storm for us.  I love that all my kids are home and we are all together as a family.  I feel like I am finally free from distractions and can focus on my own family and our homeschool.  We have been following our simple schedule and it is working great.  We make and eat great meals together and my favorite part of the day is our family devotionals.  Every day at 10:00 we gather together, sing our favorite primary songs, study Come Follow Me, and then something schooly like a read aloud.  I find that when I share what is mine, I have a lot to teach them.  We watch videos on YouTube a lot as well. We have been learning the Prophets and Apostles song with hand motions and it has been so cute to watch the kids sing it.  Luke especially likes to sing it.  Our Primary Chorister send us some beautiful newer songs that we love to sing every day called Believe and I will Be What I Believe.  I love how strong we can feel the spirit when we sing. If worry a lot about the future of this world, but feel a great sense of peace at the same time.

Today was fast and testimony meeting at home.  The boys prepared and passed the sacrament to us and we had a full meeting.  Everyone shared their testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It was powerful. We also watched a Marco Polo of Lori and Larry sharing their testimony.  Then we knelt and Peter rededicated our home to the Lord.  Then we played a primary game with songs.  Our prophet asked us to join in a world wide day of fast and prayer.  We started our fast last night at 5:00 and went to 5:00 today.  We prayed many times for peace, comfort, guidance and relief in the world.  Peter and Eden requested our favorite German Apple Pancakes for dinner so I prepared that and everyone happily broke their fast with that yummy dinner.

I have been particulary focused on strengthening my relationship with the Lord during the last few weeks.  My spirit has yearned for more time at home and free from distraction.  I have been living in a state of overwhelm for so long that I felt like I was fighting chronic depression all the time.   I felt like I was going crazy.  As I began to focus on prayer and scriptures and listening to the spirit. About that time the world turned upside down and suddently my calendar went from too full to empty.  For me it was a dream come true, but in a very strange way.  I have continued to strengthen the spiritual side with the goal of having a very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father.  My mental health is so much better., all better really.  I hope I never again get so overwhelmed that it is so hard to funtion on a basic level.  The peace that comes from following the Savior and living the Gospel is overwhelming during this time of uncertainty.  I keep thinking of the song, "Home Can Be a Heaven on Earth."  Boy, it sure feels like it right now.

Having home church and daily devotional time has really helped Logan. He went from barely being in the room to being present with us most of the time.  He likes to be with us.  The other day we were watching a little video about the Allegory of the Olive Tree and Logan was having a hard time sitting still so I sat him facing me on my lap and rocked him and rubbed his back while we watched.  I stopped rubbing his back for a second and he said, "Keep doing that, you have magic hands!"  I sure did.

We are reading the book Gifted Hands about Ben Carson.  I chose this book because it tells about how he raised himself out of poverty by reading lots of books.  I am planning to move this into a challenge similar to what Ben's mom gave him which was to read a book a week and write 2 reports about what they learned about. I will roll that out this week. We are also listening to The Swiss Family Robinson on the house intercom system at nights together. 

Tonight I called all the family to the living room to write in our journals together.  The kids are writing great things about Covid19.  I hope to make this a weekly tradition.

We assigned the kids jurisdictions on the house a few weeks ago. They are in charge of one area all the time and keeping it in working order.  Tanner has dishes, Carter has the laundry, Eden the tables and counters, dalling the floors, lily the bathrooms.  It is going well and helping things to stay somewhat in order around here.  It still gets pretty backed up with so much happening at home all the time but it is getting better.  

Now that we have been given another month of staying home, I hope to work on one small section of the house each day organizing.  I look forward to having all the time to do it.  We are starting up our HGC homeschool classes again this week. That means the kids will be back to doing homework and I will be preparing for teaching Dallin's Quest class again, which takes a lot of time as well.  Amazing how busy life is.

Having baby Miriam in our home is the best.  She is a magical cherub.  Everyone loves her and she makes everyone happy.  In my opinion, everyone should have a baby to play with while quarentined, it is the best!

Before Carona Virus:

After Carona Virus:

 

Eden Made Cute St. Patrick cupcakes:

 Lily leading a Primary Singing time activity:

 Video messaging with my silly family:

Corona, gardening, and personal revelation

I have been feeling a need to get back to journaling.  This seems like a good place to wipe off the dust and get my thoughts and experiences. Right now we are living in an unprecidented time.  For me personally, despite the scary circumstances in our world, I am sitting in my little world within my home and feeling so content.  The Corona virus started making the news a couple of months ago and as time has gone by and every country and state has been infiltrated we began a "war" to fight this unseen enemy.  My heart is heavy for the elderly who are most vulnerable and for those who are not able to work because everyone is on lock down.  Peter is fortunate because construction is permitted to continue, however things do seem to be slowing a little. My calendar has gone from overwhelmingly full to completely empty.  As a mother, this is what I have been craving for quite some time.  I just haven't had the guts to make the big change.  No dance, no music class, dr. appointments, and on and on and on and on.

Being home has been bliss.  I love having all my chicks gathered and all to myself.  I have been feeling selfish with my family as I feel my older children slowly slipping away from childhood and toward adulthood.  I want to savor these next couple of years.  The timing of this "Shelter at Home" seems to just fine to me.  It is my silver lining during this unsure and scary time in the world. President Nelson has put out a video that said that this will pass.  I have faith that it will and that everything will be okay. 

4 days ago we decided to pull the trigger on building our dream garden on the north side of our yard.  This is a rather large area that we have never put to any use.  It is a hill and has mostly been home to overgrown blackberries or a favorite grassy area for the dog to do his business on. 

First of all, we rented a rotatiller and tilled the ground and dug and dug until our hill was flat on top.  We made 2 huge piles of dirt off to the side.  Peter and I and our older 5 kids worked hard to till and dig and dig some more.  We had to shape the little hill out a little farther to make enough room for everything.  Then we built 4 large 4x12 boxes that were 12 inches high. We also had a old 4x4 box that we will use for strawberries and in the very corner of we have loose soil for a pumpkin patch. After laying weed clothe we filled the boxes half full each with the left over dirt from all the digging.  We then purchased 5 yards of topsoil and finished filling the boxes.  That was so much work to wheel the dirt push it up the little hill and dump it. We sprinkles some fertilizer on top to make it healthy for growing.  My upper body is so sore!  Today we purchased pea gravel and Peter and the kids spread that all around the garden. Carter and I made square foot grids on the large boxes with nylon string and a staple gun. Peter and Dallin got started on making a fence to keep the dog and little ones out.  They are hoping to finish it tomorrow so that we can plant. 

Everyone has been involved in this huge untertaking.  It has been hard work and a good family project.  It has also kept us busy and happy.  The kids are so eager to get to planting.  They are all feeling a great amount of pride and ownership.

I lost Peter's new work truck keys, or so I thought.  I had driven his truck home yesterday when we borrowed a friend's truck for moving dirt.  Out of habit I put the keys on the piano.  A while later, I realized I had set them there and moved them to the hook next to the front door so that Peter would easily find them.  I didn't think about it much after that until Peter needed to go to work this morning. They were gone gone gone.  We scoured the house and Peter put out a 5 dollar reward to recruit the kid's help.  After a while we said a prayer and continued the search.  I started to feel that I wasn't listening for an answer.  I went into the garage to see if I could find them and took the opportunity to pray again.  This time I kept praying and LISTENING, instead of moving on.  I instantly felt the warmth of the Holy Ghost enter my heart.  I went through every room in my mind and felt a stuper of thought each time.  Then the thought came to check the cars.  I thought Peter had done that, but immediatly stopped praying and went outside.  I first checked the truck that we had borrowed and our gray van that I was sure we hadn't driven in a couple of days.  Then I realized the work truck that had missing keys had been moved to the street parking along with Dallin's car to make room for the truck full of dirt.  I immediatley knew that someone had taken the keys from the hook and used them to move that truck.  I walked toward the cars and looked into Dallin's car.  Sure enough, Peter's keys were sitting right there in the cup holder.  Dallin had used them to move Peter's truck and then moved his car, leaving the truck keys there.  What a powerful lesson in seeking answers to prayer.  I have been praying more diligently and reading the scriptures more lately.  I have been seeking to keep the spirit with me and learning to listen to promptings.  That warm feeling is so real and so comforting.  that stupor of thought is also real and a powerful tool.

At the start of this year, Peter and I expressed a desire to begin traveling more as a family.  I came up with a whole page of options and full intentions to do many of them.  Each time we talked about a trip, we couldn't come to any decisions.  It just never felt right.  I became very frustrated that I could just set some dates or begin the process of planning anything at all.  Not even a small trip.  Well, here we are 3 months later and the whole world is shut down.  There is no flying or even driving anywhere unless necessary.  We never could have imagined that we would be having such a strange time.  One for the history books.  This was a powerful lesson to me of a stupor of thought.  What a blessing.

This also happened last week.  I started feeling anxious for the kids to have a schedule, being home all the time now.  Every time I sat down to create one, I drew a complete blank.  It was so weird.  I even sat down with a blank page and absolutely nothing came.  I finally realized that the spirit was teaching me to just be.  Life is organic, and more enjoyable and full of creative learning just as we were.  It wasn't until this reminder came that I was finally able to receive somewhat of a "schedule" It turned out to really be more of a core phase habit training schedule, with most of the day unscheduled.  What a gift! It is so freeing. 

Test

April - June 2015

Our awesome home school group hosted a family outdoor school. We went to our favorite campground and stayed while the kids went to all kinds of science and craft classes organized by the youth. We are so lucky to be able to participate in our LDS Commonwealth!

Eden and Lily went to an all girls chess tournament!

Scout activity for Dallin.

 Next up was the Dickinson Family Reunion!  This was a big affair with most of the sibling's families (11 of the 13) in town.  What a huge weeklong party! The timing was just right for Grandpa Hedmans 100th birthday as well.  The kids had a blast playing pool with cousins all week.  We spent the night at Peter's parents most nights just so we could continuously play. That worked great with all the people who were in town visiting. It was like we were away on vacation too.

 Just a few of Lucy's many, many laptop warp pictures:

 Roller skating at our usual place.


The whole group head to Stub Steward campground where we stayed for 2 or 3 nights and also rented the big hall to hang out and eat in.  It was such great bonding time. My kids grew so close to all their cousins that live so far away and even closer to the locals. There was lots of laughing, games and food.

 We had a little bridal shower for Cassie, Luke's fiance!

 Peter and Will hosted a sing a long one night that turned more into a dance off.

 Easter Sunday, the Easter bunny came to our cabin, then a bunch of us went to watch General Conference at a near by church, then we had an Easter egg hunt and also did a lesson where we opened eggs to learn about all kinds of symbols about the Resurrection of Christ.

 

 I brought a big bag of favorite children's books to the cabins and the kids loved gathering around to listen.

 This was our dance off and the boys all got in the middle and did "the worm".

Egg Hunt. This silly Easter Bunny even showed.

Family Pictures.

We love how Luke is in a total plank trying to get out of the grandkid pictures!

Grandpa's 100th birthday bash was a huge event. The cultural hall dinner was crammed full to the brim with people

 Preggo buddies. This is only 4 of the 6 pregnant sisters at the time.

 All these little Arave cousins gathered for Clare's birthday. These girls love each other so.

 We performed in a little variety show at homeschool group. It was a narration/acting out of the book "The Bag I'm Taking To Grandma's House" that we had prepared for our moms for Mother's Day.

Peter's brother Luke got married. We had a great week with lots of wedding festivities!

Eden's spring dance recital was a huge hit with our kids.  The theme was "Let's go to the movies" so all those fun theme songs were entertaining!

Dallin needed to practice his life saving skills for his swimming merit badge so he got to practice on Eden and friend Arwen.

Carter turned 7. Somehow I can't find a single picture of the big event, but we sure do love our Cart Cart!

Dallin turned 12. Oh my, I could write a whole post on what that was like! In our church, this is a big deal because he received the priesthood and entered the Young Men's program.  It was an awesome experience to watch him pass the sacrament for the first time.  He is the littlest deacon and just so cute.  He takes the priesthood very seriously passing the sacrament, collecting fast offerings and going to church early every week to prepare the chapel.  He matured by leaps and bounds very suddenly and was very ready for this transition to young adulthood. Here are a few pictures from his birthday.

Tanner also turned 9 in June.  We had a Pokemon party for him with family and friends. He is so happy all the time so it is always fun to celebrate him!

We went on the boat to celebrate on his actual birthday.

My mom and dad were in town for a quick visit too!

Chuck E Cheese for dinner after boating.

Lily was pregnant like mommy one day.

Pregnant buddies.

Double diapers??? Don't ask me.  I don't even...

Drive in movie fun with friends and family.  We saw the new minion movie.

 I had so much fun cuddling with Heidi's tiny little baby and looking forward to having my own soon!

We made this fun fathers day poster for Peter.

It says, "Dad, we were going to give you a whopping 100 grand for Fathers day, but the money slipped through our butterfingers. We didn't thing a trip to the Milky Way would be appropriate either, but we do want to thank you for being such a sweetheart and a real life saver. Plus, mom thinks you are a chunky hunky! We hope this candy doesn't make you rollo-ver and get sick. If it does we promise not to snicker. We love you Daddy! Love your baby ruth and all your favorite air heads."

We had a nice long Sunday afternoon picnic with my family while my parents were here.   We sat around at a park with our camping chairs and ate and laughed and bonded for a very long while. The girls and boys were having some fun doing hand games.

Dallin earned several scout awards after scout camp.

Carter, Lily and Luke took swim lessons this year.  Here are some of Luke.

Dallin took a bunch of friends out on the boat for a friend birthday party.

Reading books. I love it when they all end up gathering around a good book!