Monthly Archives: September 2014

Thought.

Practically married.

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I always liked relationships. I always envisioned myself as the kind of guy who had a girlfriend for a long period of time, whether it be in high school or whenever. In reality, I only ever had one. There were potential flings here and there but they never really resulted to the real deal. I decided that I wasn’t going to do the ‘random hook-ups’ in college. Some would call it ‘thirst’, but I’ve kept my eyes open ever since I moved in. I have a thing for surveying the playing field.

It had crossed my mind today that I know a bunch of girls that have been in relationships for like years, in other words, they are practically married. Every single one of these girls are great people. All of them girlfriend material easily. I started thinking to myself, “Am I an idiot, why did I never try to go after any of these girls?” It’s a common thing anymore. Eventually I realize that that one girl who was cool as shit is out of the game and I missed my shot.

Mentally, I’ve always wanted relationships. Maybe they aren’t supposed to be a common thing for me. I never really let myself fall for girls too often. Not since my last one, since then, I feel like I just can’t. It’s possible that I haven’t met anyone that deserves that yet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally cool with doing me. It’s great getting to do my own thing. Although, I’m always on the lookout for number one.

Thought.

Original.

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Recently, I was on youtube doing some musical exploration. I was bouncing around the punk scene. I was listening to bands anywhere from For Today to Crown the Empire to Neck Deep and State Champs. I couldn’t help but notice that every music video had a series of comments that went something along the lines of “there are so many bands that sound like this” and “they are a rip off of *fill in the blank”. This offended me in the worst way. Now of course, I’m sure I’m like everyone else who takes serious offense to any kind of negative comment towards my type of music. It’s like insulting my way of life. Anyway, bands do not purposely try to sound like other bands. Can you imagine how that would feel to be “just another Blink-182 or New Found Glory”? That’s like telling someone that their passion and life’s work was for nothing because it’s already been done. Bands are going to sound like other bands within the same genre of music. That’s why genres exist. What about the constant rap songs that are being recycled every single day to create another “new” “hit” song. A couple of weeks ago, I hung out with a friend who is around 3 years older than me and she listened to the generation of pop punk that included Blink 182 and bands of the like. I listened to these bands also and I still do to this day, but I have moved beyond that generation into the new generation of pop punk which includes bands like The Story So Far and State Champs and The Wonder Years. I was playing this music for my friend and after almost every song, I heard “they sound just like…” Bands have influences. These influences “influence” their sound. I don’t understand why it seen as such a horrible thing when a band sounds like another. That’s how people find new music and broaden their horizons. I may be the only person on my floor that listens to punk and I am proud of it. People always tell me that they don’t understand it and I always say that there is nothing to understand. It feeds your soul and that’s all that matters.

Misc.

Gossip Girl and Mannerisms?

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I was two days into dorm life and I was standing there in the hallway with a group of people and one of the girls on my floor says to me, “Oh my god, you’re Dan Humphrey.” I was confused, I’m pretty sure I turned around to see if someone was standing behind me. It turns out that Dan Humphrey is a character on the show gossip girl, a show that I have never come close to watching. I’ve always loved hearing that I look like other people. When I asked why, she said I sort of looked like him and my mannerisms and my aura was similar to his. After hearing this, I was sure to watch the occasional youtube video that had a scene of gossip girl in which Dan Humphrey was involved just to try and get an idea of what the hell this girl was talking about. When I asked, I usually get the same answer with the aura and the mannerisms. Although, she told me that I was mysterious a lot like him. I loved hearing that. That’s sick. And I guess there’s some truth to that because I’m generally pretty quiet. I usually just sit back and listen. I often go off on my own at times too.

After doing some research, it turns out that they have me pegged. This guy in this show is a lot like me. I won’t let them know that I agree. But it was a good call by the girls.

Thought.

I’m here and you’re there and that’s… it.

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     Have you ever had a relationship where you like a someone a lot, I mean A LOT, and when you think about it, you have no idea why you liked them so much? I had one of those. 

      I was a sophomore in high school. I had always been a “girlfriend guy”, but never had a girlfriend. There were crushes, always crushes, but never someone who I liked enough or liked me enough to where things actually got to the whole relationship point. It’s a tough thing anymore, dating and the like. So anyway, 10th grade, there was a girl in my grade who I had known my entire life. Most teens go through the awkward stage in middle school and early high school, well, she went through the REALLY awkward stage. Once that ended, she really blossomed into quite a good looking girl and I’m pretty sure she caught the eye of just about every guy in my grade. We were never that close of friends or anything but we talked occasionally and had a few classes together. Then, one day in January, we began the “talking” stage when we both admitted to each other (over text) that we had had crushes on each other for a good bit of time. I remember it was the craziest feeling because never did I think that her and I would get together at any point. Not that she was “out of my league” or I was out of hers, it was just an expected turn of events. We “talked” for about 3 months then things started getting shaky. There were times when I had brought up taking things to the next step and making “us” official. As it turned out, she wasn’t ready for an actual relationship. I had ended up liking her a lot of those few months, more than I had ever liked any other girl. It turned out that she had liked me a lot too, but she just didn’t want what I wanted. It was around May, and we decided to take the rest of the school year and the summer off and if we both still felt what we did in the future we’d come back to it. (It was more of her idea than mine.) 

      The summer was harsh. She had said she didn’t want to hold me back from other girls. I tried to talk to other girls, I hung out with a few here and there, but the feelings just didn’t go away. It was a rough how ever many months of holding on. 

       Mid-August came around and there was only one person I really wanted to talk to. Things went the way I had hoped for and we started talking again right before the beginning of my junior year. Around two weeks after we had started talking again, we started dating. The “girlfriend guy” finally gets a girlfriend. I absolutely loved it, and her. Things were great and it was the perfect time. She was a cheerleader and a volleyball player and I was a soccer player. She came to my games and I went to both of hers. She looked so hot in that cheerleading uniform and I cannot forget the spandex for volleyball. 

       It lasted from September to January officially. We got into a fight on New Year’s Eve because she had been being so distant. I thought it was just a fight. When we went to talk about things, it turns out she really wanted to break up. Crazy right? One little fling followed over the spring into the summer and all of it just turned to memories. Senior year was spent as kind of an off and on friendship. I figured I was over her and I had really thought I was. Up until one day, we got together to do an online math test and it turned out to be just the two of just hanging out. It brought back a lot of memories, for me and only me I’m pretty sure. I got pulled back into the trap again and spent the rest of senior year trying to fight off feelings that I just couldn’t get rid of. 

      This memory sticks out especially in my head. It was the first time it had ever really happened to me. It was the day of senior prom and I was in the audience at the promenade. I had all ready walked across the stage and now the prom court was being announced. She was on the prom court and I hadn’t seen her at all that day up until that day. I was curious to see how she looked since I hadn’t seen her. She was announced and came out on stage in this white dress, the prom court crown was glittering from the lights. I got this feeling in my chest when I saw her and I was totally blown away. I guess that gives you an idea of where I was at with the feelings battle about a year later. 

       Now, here I am in college writing this blog about something that happened two years ago. I don’t think I’ve hung onto it, I like to think that I just can’t seem to get rid of it. It’s probably a good thing that we went to colleges on the opposite sides of the country. When I look back on it now, I don’t really know where the connection came from. We never had that much in common. We had different music tastes, she was a vegetarian, I wasn’t. Different things like that, yet it didn’t stop us.

      The main reason I wrote this entry was because I get totally freaked out that I still think about this stuff almost two years later. I guess it’s my only real experience with stuff like that. But with the feelings, I know that I still have a thing for her, even if its not on the same level as it used to be. But why? What if it never goes away? I’m not one to believe in signs or even think this way anymore, but maybe I’m supposed to always feel something, or maybe not. Who ever really knows?