I still get nervous while driving in the car on my way to pick her up, even after as long as it has been. My thoughts get so distorted when I look at her. But almost out of muscle memory because when it comes down to it, there will never be an us again.

So if you’ve been following along, you could probably tell that I’m about to write, yet again, about my ex-girlfriend, which seems to be my only inspiration to write since I never do it anymore. Anyway, she was back in town this week because of a funeral so we hung out. I honestly wasn’t even going to ask but I texted her to express condolences for her loss and she seemed so bored with her friends and stuff and I really am too, so I asked her to hang out. It’s so different now with her. It’s actually like nothing serious ever happened between us, when in reality there was so much. There was the “talking” stage in 10th grade, then the time off where she went and did whatever she wanted and I hung onto my feelings for months. Then there was when we actually dated in 11th grade and I could arguably have been the happiest version of myself so far to date. Then, there was the break up and it fucked me up. I don’t like to admit that it did, but it did. Then came the summer between 11th and 12th grade where we had another fling and I tried to act like my feelings were gone and she was expendable. Then came 12th grade and my random falling in and out of having such a thing for her. We weren’t friends. then we were. And now we were just two people that have such a detailed history and act like it never meant shit. Maybe it just meant shit to me.

Its a weird thing the music that I listen to. I love the sound of it. I listen to bands like The Story So Far and Neck Deep. I love the sick ass guitar riffs. And that would be enough for me to really feel it. But as it happens, a lot of the songs that I listen to by these bands could have been written to describe my situation with my ex. She hates the music I listen to. Thats what she doesn’t get. The way she fucked with my head makes me perfect for this music. I swear Parker Cannon and I are the same person. She doesn’t get that these songs describe exactly how I feel towards everything. There is a song on TSSF’s new self titled album and at one point in the song, Parker says, “How can I feel anyone anymore” I feel what he is saying here to a T. I haven’t been able to feel anything since my ex. Feelings had never come so easily and so fast. I have met girls who are PERFECT. I should be falling for them right away. So much in common, music, interests, but I can’t feel any kind of feelings for a girl anymore. Sure, maybe it just hasn’t been the right person, but why is it so hard? Ever since she came through and messed me up, I’ve been stuck.