My winter break began on December 19th. I was in the middle of studying for a grueling finals week when communication between my infamous ex and I started to peak. Earlier in the semester, she had texted me about her coming to my campus while school was still in session and coming out on a weekend. I wasn’t against it.

The Friday before finals week. She came down to my house off campus. From there we went to one of my team mates house to drink. It was pretty enjoyable. We talked a lot because I was the only person she knew, and she only acts like she doesn’t know me when we are around people we both know. She was the fun girl I thought I knew back in high school. We finished the night at my house with a movie. Nothing happened.

I felt weird after that night. I didn’t know if it was feelings coming back or just lust because I’m definitely still attracted to her. She’s gorgeous. I’d definitely hook up with her if I got the chance.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to just ignore it. So, I texted her the day about that weird feeling. I told her it was fun and it reminded me of how things used to be. She said something along the lines, of “oh it wouldn’t have been good to act on those feelings.” I asked why. She said because it wouldn’t get us anywhere. In my head, I’m thinking well maybe we can hang out and maybe hook up over break without anything getting difficult and we could go to back to whatever it was we were before break, whether it was friends or just acquaintances. I slowly brought this up during the conversation and she was definitely flirting back and we made plans to hang out again.
The following Wednesday was the day we were supposed to hang out. We hadn’t talked in a few days and I was waiting for her to text me, or vice versa to confirm the plans. I got a text from her around 4 saying exactly what I was afraid of. She said she wasn’t sure if us hanging out was a good idea because things might get complicated. Long story short, we ended up hanging out that night and we made out for a bit. Whatever. Following this, I thought over break we could hang out and do “couple stuff” just not as a couple. That was so not the case. None of that happened. I’m sitting here now with two days of break left and I haven’t seen her since before Christmas.

On New Years Eve, we both went to the town where I go to college, but we were at different parties. Now, leading up to this, I had texted her a couple times asking to hang out and she promptly ignored my invitation every time. I texted her on New Years Eve asking her if she was in the same town as me. She said “yeah why?” I said, “oh so am I” (I was going to work my way to the “do you want to meet up?” text). She responded with, “cool.” And down the rabbit hole I went. Keep in mind, I was pretty buzzed at the time. I sent back 5 texts. They all pretty said what I’ve been wanting to say. “Why have you been being so weird?” We were friends last week.” Yeah yeah. This spawned a 2 hour argument about how we aren’t dating and she doesn’t have to answer me if she doesn’t want to. I said fine okay. Last week you were talking about how you didn’t want to ruin our super close friendship and this week your ignoring me. Reasonable, definitely. Once I smashed her side of the argument, she began to shame me for asking so much of her when she was sad and depressed about some family issues. Now, I texted her over break about some of these things that happened. We live in the same town, so I was aware. She thanked me for my empathy and that was it. Based on her snapchat stories and what not, she seemed to be going on with her life completely as normal. So what would cause me to think that these events were taking such a toll on her? Had she just said something about it, I wouldn’t have pressed her about why she was ignoring me. She was so adamant about how she didn’t want to mess with our friendship. I just didn’t understand how she couldn’t see the contradiction in behavior there.

I guess my point of this is, we are too old (I’m 20) to beat around the bush. I thought when I went to college, the games would cease. That is so not the case. They seem to be more prevalent than ever. People just don’t know how to have actual relationships anymore, whether it’s a platonic or romantic one.

I’ve had a soft spot for my ex for a while. At this point, I know we could never be together again and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be. Although, I want her to be the best version of herself she can be. But she’s just so frustrating. She pushes away everyone who cares. I’ve rewritten this last sentence 11 times, but I’m just too frustrated to come up with a solid conclusion…