Thought.

One of my Least Favorite Things…

Leave a comment

Throughout my life, I’ve come to notice the degree to which our minds glorify memories of places, people, things, or experiences and make them seem so much better than they are/were. I’ve been conscious of it for a while but I had a particularly disappointing experience with it this week.

My family has this cabin in this town that’s about an hour away from where I live. It’s considered up in the mountains. We usually go up and stay there for a week every summer. This year, I was especially excited to go up there because of how stressful my first year of college was. In my mind, it’s one of the most peaceful places I know. In high school, we used to go up to another place near my cabin and stay there for around 4 days and just play soccer everyday. The memories of soccer camp are some of the best that I have. I know that if I were to go back to that place today, it just wouldn’t be the same.

Monday night, I went to the cabin with my brother. We left around 11. I was really looking forward to it. The drive up there is one of my favorite parts about it. I just love driving at night blasting music. But it was a terrible start because I was so tired and it just wasn’t the ride that I thought it would be. We got there a little after midnight and went to bed right away. The next day was just so boring. My brother and I got up early and went running. After that, we went and got breakfast at a diner nearby then went back to the cabin. Everything from that point just wasn’t what I expected it to be. I remember during the fall and spring semesters I always thought about going home for a weekend and taking a ride up to the cabin because I just wanted to be up there so much. But it turns out that it was just all in my head.

I’ve always been the kind of person that imagines the perfect moment and different kinds of awesome scenarios. Those moments definitely come and go, but it just sucks that they seem to be so much better in my head. It feels as though I’m in a rut. Summer is winding down. Preseason is looming. I have two and a half weeks until I move into my house at school and get back on the grind again. I’m really excited for that, don’t get me wrong. I guess I just expected more from this summer. It’s been good definitely but not what I expected. There’s times where I feel like I need to get out of my hometown and go experience completely new things. But we’ll save that can of worms for another time. 

Thought.

Like Nothing Ever Happened.

Leave a comment

I still get nervous while driving in the car on my way to pick her up, even after as long as it has been. My thoughts get so distorted when I look at her. But almost out of muscle memory because when it comes down to it, there will never be an us again.

So if you’ve been following along, you could probably tell that I’m about to write, yet again, about my ex-girlfriend, which seems to be my only inspiration to write since I never do it anymore. Anyway, she was back in town this week because of a funeral so we hung out. I honestly wasn’t even going to ask but I texted her to express condolences for her loss and she seemed so bored with her friends and stuff and I really am too, so I asked her to hang out. It’s so different now with her. It’s actually like nothing serious ever happened between us, when in reality there was so much. There was the “talking” stage in 10th grade, then the time off where she went and did whatever she wanted and I hung onto my feelings for months. Then there was when we actually dated in 11th grade and I could arguably have been the happiest version of myself so far to date. Then, there was the break up and it fucked me up. I don’t like to admit that it did, but it did. Then came the summer between 11th and 12th grade where we had another fling and I tried to act like my feelings were gone and she was expendable. Then came 12th grade and my random falling in and out of having such a thing for her. We weren’t friends. then we were. And now we were just two people that have such a detailed history and act like it never meant shit. Maybe it just meant shit to me.

Its a weird thing the music that I listen to. I love the sound of it. I listen to bands like The Story So Far and Neck Deep. I love the sick ass guitar riffs. And that would be enough for me to really feel it. But as it happens, a lot of the songs that I listen to by these bands could have been written to describe my situation with my ex. She hates the music I listen to. Thats what she doesn’t get. The way she fucked with my head makes me perfect for this music. I swear Parker Cannon and I are the same person. She doesn’t get that these songs describe exactly how I feel towards everything. There is a song on TSSF’s new self titled album and at one point in the song, Parker says, “How can I feel anyone anymore” I feel what he is saying here to a T. I haven’t been able to feel anything since my ex. Feelings had never come so easily and so fast. I have met girls who are PERFECT. I should be falling for them right away. So much in common, music, interests, but I can’t feel any kind of feelings for a girl anymore. Sure, maybe it just hasn’t been the right person, but why is it so hard? Ever since she came through and messed me up, I’ve been stuck.

Thought.

I find it healthy to get lost inside my head.

2 Comments

The past few days have been weird. Sunday night I got back to my dorm for the first time in a week as spring break had come to a close. I was really not feeling coming back to school work. I have so much work I have to do over the next 5 weeks or so until the semester ends. The idea of that has brought me down severely a few times. Yesterday and earlier today, I was having really really cynical thoughts. Although, it wasn’t anything too out of the ordinary. Before I left for spring break, I had thought that I had gained significant ground on my search for the right career. Then, over break, I began to really think about the idea of being a special ed teacher or whatever other options I had and I began to be unsure again. There are just so many things in this life that just don’t make sense to me. And those things play in as factors when I think about what I want to do with my life. For example: people that work in the city on average have to sit in traffic for give or take an hour when going to their job and leaving their job. That’s around an extra two hours added to the work day. Why would anyone be okay with that? I hate traffic now. I would go insane having to sit in it for two hours a day, five days a week.

Another thing that totally freaks me out is the idea or getting a job (or not getting one at all) and then being stuck there for the rest of my life. I’ve been really keen on the idea that you only get this life once. The world is a massive place and there is so much to see and do. How can I just be okay with not being able to do those things because I’m stuck at a job? It all just seems so backwards. There are so many things that people just deal with, as if life has to be that way. Why? Why do feel like we are trapped in a life of complacency? Everyone is always talking about the immense amount of opportunities in life and the different places it can take you. Well for the amount that image is tossed around, there aren’t that many people taking advantage of it. Maybe I’m just taking shots at the whatever percent that is cool with working at a desk for the rest of their life. And if you’re content and happy with that, by all means, go for it. I won’t stop you. But for me, there’s so much more than that. I have’t figured out what I’m doing just yet, but I know I’m destined for big things and I will not be content with anything else.

College gives you a lot of time to think, and think in all kinds of ways. I thought that I thought a lot before I got here. That’s definitely not the case. I think its the different things you see here and the things you learn that spark thoughts that you never thought your mind would produce. Maybe it doesn’t happen for everyone. Actually I’m sure it doesn’t happen for everyone because I am surrounded by people that lack so much depth. Now of course not everyone reveals what goes on in the corners of their mind. Neither do I, I think that’s how I get the mysterious label. And who knows, maybe I’m completely wrong, but I feel like you can just tell when someone has a lot to say about a lot of different things. And I haven’t met many of those people yet. I want to have conversations about deep shit like what the hell we are doing on this Earth and why the stars are there and what this song means to me and all that stuff. Where are those conversations? Where are those people?

Thought.

Mystery

Leave a comment

So I never really thought about it before, but I guess I come off as a pretty mysterious guy. I think that’s totally cool. I guess that’s what I’m subconsciously going for. Prior to getting to college, I never heard that before about myself. I guess it was because I was surrounded by people that I’ve known for 10+ years everyday and the mystery definitely slips away after that long. Being at college is the first time I’ve ever been in a place (everyday) where I don’t know 95% of the people. To date, I’ve heard that I am ‘dark and mysterious’ I think three times. I like hearing that. I don’t really like being a person that you can figure out in 5 minutes. I don’t really like people that are like that either. Once you’ve learned all there is to know about a person, what keeps the interest? I like to think that I’m a deep, complicated person. I’ve actually been told that too.

To get to the point, I like girls with those same qualities, with that same kind of mystery. Although, the only time I ever see that is in the movies. Tonight I watched the movie ‘Pitch Perfect.’ I wouldn’t say its in my top 10 of favorite movies, but its up there. I am so attracted to Anna Kendrick’s character in that movie. And I always wished I could sing. Anyway, Beca (Anna Kendrick) is mysterious, as my bro Jesse says in the movie and kind of quiet. That’s just so hot to me. And she’s so into music. I kind of like to think of myself as being able to relate to the character Jesse in that movie. Mostly because of the way he feels it when watching movies and hearing the scores that go along with them. My favorite part of that movie is towards the end when the “Bellas” sing ‘Don’t Forget About Me’ and he raises his fist like at the end of ‘The Breakfast Club.’ Wow, what a moment.  I always seem to do develop crushes for girls in movies. For example, Diana Agron in the movie ‘I Am Number Four’ and Vanessa Hudgens in ‘High School Musical.’ All examples of characters that are quiet and mysterious and are super attractive. I find myself wondering why girls like that can only be found in movies. Maybe I’ve been missing something. Maybe girls like that just don’t exist. Either way, I’ll continue to be on the look out for my Beca.

Thought.

Major

Leave a comment

I may have mentioned before, who knows, I’ve been uncertain about what I want to do with my life for pretty much my entire life. There have been a few times where I thought I had it all figured out, but I never really did. I think I’m beginning to slowly figure it out.

A few weeks ago, I got an email from my academic advisor about a program we have (I’m getting a weird sense of Deja Vu as I’m typing this sentence) about career exploration. Naturally, I registered for it. Now I’m three or four weeks in and I’m in a much better place career wise than I ever have been. We took one of those career aptitude tests. Now, I’ve taken so many of these since high school and I usually don’t get anywhere with them, but this one was so different. I have never seen so many detailed results about myself before. I was surprised it didn’t tell me what I was going to have to eat the next day. Anyway, my top result was a special education teacher, which I could definitely do. It wasn’t something that I ever really thought about but I think I could succeed at it. A lot of the potential careers that came back in the results involved instructing in a way or coaching. I’ve been coaching for a few years now. If things were to go the exact way I want them to, it would be: I would finish out my college career with soccer while getting a degree (in what looks like its going to education) and then go on to play professional soccer and then coach at some point. Then, if I wanted to, I could go into teaching at some point later in life. That would be the prime set up.

This wasn’t really my most well thought out blog, but I just had to get it out.

Thought.

V-Day

Leave a comment

Valentine’s Day has never been any more to me than just a regular day. Today was the most regular of them all. Last night, I participated in the beerlympics and since I pretty much carried my team, I was really feeling it this morning. So I started my day with a massive head ache. After I showered and prepared myself to function for the day, I watched two movies on Netflix: Insidious 2 and Machine Gun Preacher. Insidious 2 is a great movie. The other was okay, not one of my favorites. Anyway, Netflix took up most of my day. Then earlier tonight, I had to go and see a play put on by the university as a requirement for the theater class that I’m in. Since it was Valentine’s Day, I really didn’t want to go by myself because plays are usually common for couples to go see, especially on Valentine’s Day. So, I asked a friend, who’s a girl, she was down to go. So I bought two tickets, then today she told me that her brother crashed her car last night and couldn’t come. I was fine with it, I figured I could just ask someone else.

As it turns out, I’m more alone than I thought I was. I asked a few girls, one was totally willing to drive an hour to get here, but because of a greatly timed snow storm, she couldn’t come, and I eventually had to walk back to my dorm in 5 inches of snow. I asked two more people after that, both already had plans. Its always the days where you don’t have much to do that you begin to think about things like this. I’ve always been content with being on my own. I even think I’m too much of a loner sometimes. Although, I’m one of the most social people you’ll ever probably not meet. I read somewhere that you have to be content with being alone before you can be with someone else. I think there’s definitely some meaning to that. But I guess I’ll just wait for my yellow umbrella to come along.

Thought.

Homophobia and the Cost of Living

1 Comment

Today was a normal Monday. We had conditioning at 6:45 this morning and then trained for a bit. After training, I went to the locker room to shower. I was sitting in front of my locker and my team mates were talking about the Grammys. They were on the subject of Sam Smith and his success at the awards show last night. While in the midst of this conversation, one of my team mates then said with convincing disgust, “Who knew fags could be such good singers?” I’ve known the guy for about 6 months now and I was sort of offended by the comment. Now, I am not gay, but I do support gay rights as if they were my own. I have an aunt that is happily married to another woman and a male cousin who I have always looked up to that is also gay. Growing up in this generation where the word ‘gay’ was/is used as an insult, people have differing opinions on gay rights. I have always been for these rights because who am I to tell someone how they can live their life or who they can fall in love with? And don’t even get me started on people who use their religion as a reason the be against gay rights. If it bothers you that much, then don’t pay attention, but you have no right to infringe on someone else’s happiness because it goes against your own beliefs.

On to the next topic, I have been undecided on my future since like… 8th grade. I tend to bounce around with career options but I can never stick to them. I recently registered for this program here for undecided freshman and sophomores. The program is designed to help narrow down potential career options. To begin this, we took a strong inventory test. I got the results back today. The test scores different careers based on your interest. The higher the score, the more interested the test feels you would be in that career. I scored highest on the job of special education teacher. I wasn’t really surprised by this. I am good with social interactions (It’s ironic because you’re reading this through a screen). And I like helping people a lot. So I think this test put me on the right path.

Then, I started looking up the median salary for a special education teacher and other jobs that I had scored high on. I read somewhere a while ago that scientists and whoever else had discovered that you could literally buy happiness with 70k a year. So, this was my goal when it came to career searching. Up until now, I had no idea how backwards my expectations were. I learned today that the national average income is somewhere around 45k. That totally blew my mind. This prompted me to start searching about the cost of living in different cities around the United States. This is the stuff we should be learning in school. I also googled, “how to pay off a house” during my search today.

I wish there was a way to determine the kind of lifestyle you can live based on a certain salary. Of course one can get a general idea, but I’m looking for specifics. I want to know what kind of apartment/house I could get, food, recreation, stuff like that. Everything in this world today seems so subject to change, so how can we be sure of anything?

Thought.

Blinded

Leave a comment

I came home for the weekend earlier today. Throughout this entire week, I could not wait to come home and it has been great. Although, I haven’t really done much of anything besides play xbox and watch netflix. Its been kind of dull. Anyway, not the reason I decided to type away tonight.

I was sitting around when my Dad came into the room and gave me the phone, it was my aunt who lives in Orlando, Florida. I don’t get to talk to her often so usually when she calls I’m on the phone with her for a good amount of time. We were talking of a while. She was asking me about classes, soccer, and she asks me if I’m dating anyone. I laughed and said no, I don’t have time for that. That’s just my excuse for not having a girlfriend. I mean I am always on the lookout for someone to come along, but relationships don’t just come along anymore. I thought when I got to college that there would be more girls that were looking for relationships but there really aren’t as many as I expected. I also thought that all of the games would end when it comes to relationships and the road leading to them. I was wrong there too.

It’s always tough to decide whether or not you should ‘let things come to you’ or ‘go out and get them.’ I always find myself in between when it comes to girls. I see girls all the time around campus that are attractive. Do I go and talk to them? No, of course not, I have no balls. I usually let the girls come to me. Sometimes though, I can’t help but wonder what I’m supposed to do. I always end up coming back to, whatever’s meant to happen will happen. So if I end up not starting a conversation with this girl, or I miss my chance starting one with another, it just wasn’t meant to happen.

I like to think, that in a perfect world, that whenever I see “the one”, the song ‘Blinded’ by Third Eye Blind will be playing somewhere, whether it be on my headphones, in my car or wherever. The song has to come up randomly. It can’t happen where I pick the song on my phone or in the car. It has to happen like this: I’ll be somewhere, wherever, and the song will come up on shuffle and then at some point in the song, I’ll see her. And the rest will happen How I Met Your Mother style.

Thought.

Reminiscing About the Future

Leave a comment

Have you daydreamed about a what a certain part of your life will be like? And then you get to that point and realize that none of it turned out the way you wanted it to? That’s what I did with my expectations of high school.

It started when I was around 12 or 13. I still do it today. When I hear songs, depending on what song or the meaning behind it, I kind of daydream my own music video for a specific song while listening to it. Its pretty much like letting the song fill your head with images. These images turn into memories and years later they could just end up being memories of where you were at the time you heard the song. Anyway, this is just kind of my way to put my own soundtrack to my life. I imagined my high school years to be similar to a Boys Like Girls music video, specifically the videos for “Thunder” and “Hero/Heroine.” These are songs that smack me in the face with nostalgia every time I hear them. Now if you’re never seen either of these music videos, Thunder kind of follows along with a big group of friends driving in a car around their town with the top down, causing havoc in a restaurant and then finally all meeting up in a field and toasting red bull (yeah right). Not that I ever had this massive urge to go my high school football field and do shots of red bull with my friends, but the idea of a big group like that of guys and girls just doing whatever together is something that never really happened when I was in high school. Maybe around my senior year that started to develop, but it quickly deteriorated with all of the mindless drama and what not.

For Hero/Heroine, this video involves the lead singer and what seems to be his girlfriend and just them spending time together. This one is probably more relatable with me than the other because when I thought about high school, I always imagined myself having a girlfriend. I just liked the idea of a relationship like that and that video just reminds me of how I used to think that way. Although I did have a girlfriend during my junior year, and that was just 3 months of pure bliss. I always imagined it being kind of a longer thing. I guess when I hear songs like Thunder or Hero/Heroine, it reminds me of the way I used to think when I was first hearing these songs.

Today I still listen to songs are create music videos for them in my head. I also envision the future, a lot. I always found myself thinking about where I’ll be after college, who I’ll be spending that time with, and what I’ll be doing as a career. I keep trying to remind myself of what I thought high school would be like and how I wasn’t even close. Maybe I’ll get the hint this time.

Thought.

My Mind is Everywhere.

Leave a comment

Recently, I’ve been waning in and out of different moods. I go from contentment to boredom to pure disappointment. I just began my second semester of my freshman year in college and let me tell you, all of the motivation that I had for school work last semester is pretty non existent. It just seems to have no purpose at all. When I’m sitting in a lecture hall listening to a professor talking about the planets, I can’t help but think, what does this have to do with me? Now don’t get me wrong, outer space is freakin’ awesome, but I know I’m not going to be an astronomer. I’ve been undecided on my major and my potential career since 11th grade. I think that my play some sort of role in my boredom with class. If I felt like I was taking these classes for my future career, maybe it would be a different story. Of course, there is something one can take from every class, but with my lack of direction, It just puts me off.

The thing that I have really been enjoying this semester has been being a part of the soccer team. For the entire semester, as a part of the offseason, we get up around 6 or 7 everyday, except for the weekends, and go lift, run or play. Lifting and playing have been my favorite parts of the offseason. Since the summer time, I’ve gotten significantly more into lifting than I have been in the past. I’m not necessarily a big dude, but it would be sick to get there one day. Anyway, soccer has definitely been keeping me sane. It’s tough when you’re confined to the dorms and the same people all the time. Everyone here is cool but it all just gets old. I’m really looking forward to the summer so I can see all of the people that I saw over Christmas. Christmas break was so fun and I’m really looking forward to 3 months of that.

On a completely unrelated note, well I guess its a bit related because its college, I’ve made it to the final season of How I Met Your Mother and I saw the episode where Ted proposes to his future wife. It made me so happy, I actually had a few tears of joy welling up. After 9 season of desperate Ted, it was so fulfilling to see him end up with someone. I really hope that it doesn’t take me until I’m in my late 30’s to find the love of my life.

Finally, to wrap the content of this completely random post. (Random is my specialty.) How sick is Third Eye Blind? I LOVE how they add such a happy, gleeful spin to almost all of their songs. For example, the song “wounded” from the album “Blue” is about a girl who was a victim of abuse by a past boyfriend. She’s wounded/scarred by this experience and just isn’t the same person anymore. Singer Stephan Jenkins sings about his love for this girl and how he misses her being around with everyone. He talks of how he wants so badly to see her come back from this episode of her life. It’s triumphant in a way. They have the ability to add that feeling to things that would in other cases be seen in such a negative light. Another song is “Blinded” from the album “Out of the Vein.” This is another song about being so completely into a girl that you are blinded when seeing her. She’s just so fantastic to look at that she’s like “looking at the sun.” I always loved how blatantly honest 3eb is in their lyrics. For example, “and i wanna stay right here, then go down on you for an hour.” Correct me if i’m wrong, but there is some serious romance in that line and I am dead serious. There’s just something about the lust in that line that contributes to the song as a whole and puts you in the right vibe when listening.

My point of this blog was to always just spill my thoughts out onto the screen as they come to me. This particular post was a perfect example of this. The stresses of college, and the love of soccer and Third Eye Blind flow wonderfully in succession.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started