Inopportune

I wasn’t who they seen me as

But then again, I can’t fault them

They weren’t any more authentic

Than I was pretending to be myself

I was young and fitting into a role

That’s what immaturity acts like

Not that it’s an excuse: it’s a stage

A poor position making hard progress

More likely to be misread than understood

It’s meant to be that way for all concerned

In the same fashion of growth by desire

If you don’t hunger for it, you don’t feed it

But like all knowledge, it’s a dual edge sword

At times we bleed ourselves… to death

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Fall out

It’s not easy, as far as I dare recall

In what easy used to look or feel like

Maybe it’s more my romantic notion

Of what I’d require easy to resemble

Maybe it’s a truth. I’d rather not know

But it’s hard to tell after all this time

Perhaps it’s my desperation in disguise

And I’ve subconsciously fooled myself

There are times we change our fashion

Become a new sense of self-satisfaction

Only to discover we dislike the newness

Not all changes are good or proffer progress

Still, no venture no-gain emanates learnt

But at times I prefer to remain …ignorant

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Aghast

It’s more of an emotional ricochet

A beloved one is captured by death

Our normal trajectory hits a wall

We’re stopped suddenly, then fall

Downward void of a bottom to hit

Our reality becomes shatteredness

Life is now a continuous hazy blur

And directions are left for obsolete

Thoughts intermix with memories

Gasps to breathe are happenstance

Life tastes of a poisoned bitterroot

Silence becomes a cacophonic echo

Heartbeats are left uniquely erratic

Despite our efforts to…hide it all

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Scorched

Things I treasured were vandalized or stolen

Their theft of physical items can’t eradicate

My heartfelt experiences or my appreciation

To soothe my soul as river water does rocks

They added freight to my travels, not damage

That extra bit I will absolutely carry onwards

After I’ve chosen to see them in the best lights

They may think me the beast that haunts them

I can’t correct a fallacy they chose n to cling to

Excuses will always be a negative justification

Time weathers itself, waiting to rebuild bridges

Lost to peculiar raging fires or whet fabrication

If for some, a Pyrrhic victory is victory enough

I’m left enduring my experiences … as treasures’

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Derailment

Life feels more like a wreck

As if the tracks were stolen

In midst of a dawnless hour

While the world was asleep

My core behavior catapulted

Into weeds and thorny bushes

My thoughts and dreams live

Recalls are weaponized haunts

Every effort is punitive in itself

I can’t inhale without bleeding

Tragedy replaces a soul’s shadow

Treaded prints hold bloody drops

I became everything but normal

Sudden stops are… so unexpected

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Cavity

Sometimes it feels like I’m falling

Sometimes I just don’t feel anything

Sometimes sleep seems to evade me

Sometimes I linger in seared memories

Sometimes life passes me by unnoticed

Or I’ll wake up in the middle of some day

On brighter lit day,s I still feel its haze

That weighs me down from its presence

You were the only one to visit my heart

Leaving it filled with treasured moments

Not a day passes by that I don’t flinch

When cold reality notices you’re missing

And yet all of you remains present inside

In tiny crooks and crannies…where I hide

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Shiftage

Some days feel like a lifetime ago

Whereas others feel like yesterday

Piercing burst of streamed sunlight

Still invades foggy days of greyness

Regenerating a fuel through a haze

Like the rays might an umbellic forest

Hidden from a life’s sleepier practice

Ever slow I slide beyond a wilderness

Where I’m lost from my former living

Treading subdued efforts of subsistence

A seed void of any roots, I’m vanquished

Far-off dreamier days I once imagined

I cannot breach into the harder surface

Nor find position for…any restoration

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Bygone

My own personal impetus has waned

Ebullience has faded like lost echoes

Still rebounding amongst the heavens

I stare out emptier blanked windows

Looking for inspired seasonal change

But these weighted years have passed

As its silence had only gotten heavier

Whiskey-lined dawns now mono greys

Leaving breezes crispier but flavorless

Aroma spoiled by left-over yesterday’s

Detract the boulevard and ages unlived

Harm lingers as an odd, deeper berceuse

Crudely invading one’s time and mind

And life seems to have left me…excised

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Crevasses

Most scars heal- somewhat

Some remain inherently raw

Their cause never disappears

Some days we tread currents

Attempting to outswim them

Some days we drown in depths

Churning under our life’s surface

A darkness that never vacates

Trauma becomes our undertow

Drawing us rearward into itself

Forcing us to fight an unseeable

Or abandon pieces of ourselves

As we attempt to reclaim a life

Even if life means… subsistence

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Unenthusiastically

I persist to accept less as normal

It’s not anywhere near that former

As fragments don’t depict wholeness

Yet, pieces seem better than nothing

Vitality is oft strained by the freight

I accepted as part of the package deal

Some days seem a bit more cumbersome

If middays are fractured by tediousness

Faith and memories help fill in the gaps

Day by day to heal an absence somewhat

Oddity is feeling closer to the darkness

Than the lighted pathway I underwent

And some nights never seem to terminate

Until a silent dawn had slowly…crept in

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