Back in the day I used to marry a significant number of couples and the one thing I was always amazed at was the ‘peace’ that each couple had found between themselves even though they might — or usually WERE extremely different personalities. This morning my wife decided that even though it’s early in the season, and even though we would have preferred a No-Mow spring, waiting until mid May wasn’t going to be in the cards this year as the grass and dandelions got a head start on their growing season.

I knew that there was a scant little gasoline in the mower after Mike tuned it up for spring, so I’d need to purchase gasoline before she could mow so the day got off to a more active start than our usual Saturday mornings.

Yes, I said, “before she could mow.” That’s one of the curious compromises / understandings / preferences that mark our couple-ness. And every couple has them. One part of the couple likes to do some things, in a well-tuned marriage hopefully the other party likes to do the things the first party shies away from — but in a working relationship there are always trade-offs between the partners as to WHO does WHAT.

When I agreed to marry a couple I always insisted upon several sessions of “pre-marital” discussion. Not so much “counseling” — I have no license as a therapist of any sort. But before I would do the deed I insisted that we get to know each other and that they spend time actually THINKING about marriage and what it might mean in their circumstances. I even asked them to separately write down a list of the things they DIDN’T like about their future spouse — and sneakily we talked together openly about what was on each person’s list — which produced some very interesting discussions — but never put the brakes on the intended marriage. So, at least they had an idea going in that there were things that might not be hunky-dory and the cause for some angst.

Between Peg and I — well, frankly it’s hard to remember all that way back — we married in 1968 after an engagement of 3 months, after I had proposed to her by mail before we actually went out on a “date.” We’d seen each other at church events, and spent some time together doing group things but there had been a specific event that marked her out as THE girl for me and I acted on that realization rapidly. We were living 4 states away from each other and we had just parted after seeing each other at a conference and I didn’t want to wait several months before a scheduled event I expected we would both attend. In fact, by the time that event took place we were already married.

She is from a small family — mother, father, and 7 year her senior brother. As you know I’m an only child so it was just the three of us at home — and my dad worked rotating shifts for the local electric utility so my time with him was a bit odd. Sometimes he was on days, sometimes on afternoons, sometimes on nights and every month he had 4 days off in a row at the end of the cycle and 2 days split apart in the middle of the week on other weeks. It was confusing to say the least but he was a good dad and made up for peculiar absences in other ways.

My point being that we had similar backgrounds. Both father’s were union men — her dad a painter, mine a boiler operator. My mom didn’t work outside the house, but hers did in the latter years shortly before we married. And her mom passed quite young — at age 50, while the other three parents lived to their early 80’s.

In spite of our similar backgrounds we were still very different people. She was sporty — I was not — am not. I loved food and had learned a lot cooking with my mother, aunts, and grandparents — my paternal grandfather was quite the bread and pastry baker. Suffice it to say that many of the daily chores that go along with living a life together just sort of magically happened to work out. What I wanted to do, she didn’t, what she loved doing I didn’t care so much about. We found a peace between us that just magically worked.

I’m sure that’s not the case for many couples. And I wish it could be. I’m saddened when I see couples who struggle to find that peace between themselves — and horrified when it drives them apart even though I understand that sometimes being away from the other person is really the only right end to a relationship.

I’ve recently been made aware once again of couples where one party assumed that they could change the other party. You know, make those annoying bits go away. That’s a tricky thing. Not only do people rarely change in significant ways — without some major trauma or event that causes the change — but also almost everyone I know really, really, really resents being FORCED to change. That does terrible things to the trust that is needed in a working relationship.

Whatever “love” might be it amazes me beyond words. Whether it happens in an instant, or takes years, there can be a melding of personalities that is truly amazing. When I look back to 1968 and think about the people we were then, and who we are now I’m not sure I ever would have expected to be where we are today. In a lot of ways.

And during much of our marriage I had jobs that forced me to travel extensively while she had a job that kept her tied to the same desk. We spent weeks apart, with nothing but phone calls and often not even all that frequently. There were times I had do stop alongside the highway and find a high spot on a hill to get enough of a signal to call home. There were times when our daughter or she were ill and I was going out of my mind with worry. But we got through all of those times and separation brought us closer together. Today — 15 years into retirement we don’t go anywhere alone. Well, almost no where. This morning I DID go to the gas station to get 2 gallons of gas for the mower. I did that 6 or 7 months ago too, and that’s about the only time I have gone anywhere without her.

She had a follow up doctor’s visit yesterday and we both went. Aging has taught us that we don’t remember as well as we once did so two sets of ears listening to what the doctor has to say is better than one set of ears. (by the way the followup to the E.R. visit went just fine and we think the problem is resolved) We just don’t care to do things alone. We married to be together and a half century later that’s still what we want. I know that’s not the case for everyone, or even for a majority, but it has worked for us and made life an awful lot easier.

I have no idea how “love” works. I do know that it does truly exist. In spite of what nay-sayers may think. Just because someone hasn’t found it for themselves doesn’t mean it exists for no one. Still, I expect that it takes some effort — hopefully not effort that one minds exerting — but still the desire for both of you to be happy and fulfilled in your couple-ness.

That’s it for today. I’ll be back again to chat soon. :-) Cheers.