I learned a new word today. Hiraeth, according to Wikipedia, is a Welsh word that means ‘longing’. It’s a word that holds a deeper and more profound concept than ‘longing’ though. Hiraeth ultimately attempts to sum up in one word, the mixed feelings of yearning, nostalgia and wistfulness tinged with sadness over a lost entity.

I think I may have finally found the word I have been looking for to express the feeling I get whenever I think of my Dad; whenever I hear the song, “(How Much Is) That Doggie in the Window” and any Jackson 5 Christmas song; and whenever I smell the scent of Suave men’s hair cream.

My dad will always be the first person to introduce me to the concept of love. And I did not realize until recently that I never felt completely at home anywhere after he died. I recognize now that I did not only lose a father that day, I also lost a home. And like every person with no anchor to keep him/her grounded, I floated. I lived my life floating on the surface of each event. I did a lot of things – choir, theater, school organizations and church ministries. All the while unconsciously fooling people into thinking that I was completely engaged with my everyday life. I even fooled myself.

Let me be clear, I was, and still am, happy; but being happy is different from being at home. And now that I finally have enough space to consciously deal with my losses, I am finally figuring out how to make a home for myself. And this makes me happier.