Half of a decade of a silent.

It was 5 years ago. 

Half a decade have gone by. 

And I have forgotten how good it felt to write. 

To simply write. 

Five years have gone by. 

Indeed I have grown.

In so many ways. 

I have changed.

I am now a mother of a child. 

A wife to a husband.

Have I finally attained the happiness that I have so longing to attain?

Have I achieved the success that I mold my mind into? 

Have I pushed behind the past that I wish I had not had? 

What have I become? 

Content. 

I have become completely utterly content. With each passing day, a touch of grace from the Creator. I would be a complete fool if I am not grateful. 

unfortunately greedy.

we are lucky.

we are bunch of lucky people that give thanks too little.


2 days ago i was away.
on a trip to another land.
i walked quite a lot.
and i saw quite a lot as well.

but one thing that crossed my mind the most was.

'it is very hard to be homeless'

'but even harder in a place that knows very little of warmth.and a close confidant of cold'


this thought of mine
has bugged me.very much.
along the trip.and even after.
too much.
that i just had to write it down.

so here it is.
the pestering thoughts that lingered in my mind since the trip.

------------------------------------------

we were stopping at a traffic light.
it was supposed to be spring by now.
but winter is adamant to stay.
it was cold.
windy,dark and cold.

and that's when i saw them.
all tucked in their nap sacks.
facing the walls.
trying hard to stay warm.
and alive.

they were sleeping.
it was still very early in the morning.
and very late at night.
not much difference.
it was still dark.and cold.

i stopped for a while.
and i looked.
and that was when it crossed my mind.


'it is hard to be homeless.even harder in a place that is cold'

and i wondered.
how did they manage to survive?
of still being  alive when the sun arrives.
everyday.

had i been in their position.
i would have died.
probably.seconds away.

and right then.
another thought came to visit.

a flash of street views of the vagabonds back in hometown.
yes.
we have that too.
a lot.
everyday.everywhere.

my hometown is no foreign to the unfortunates as well.
but.
we don't have a cold climate.
the nights are hard without a place to call home.
but at least.
it was not cold.
some of them that i have seen had card boards as blankets.
and still i think it is bearable.

but those people i saw.
by the corner of the traffic light.
those people had card boards as well.
but they were shivering.
i could see it.even from afar.
cursing the cold and fighting for mercy.
of a slight warmth that the city could spare.
of empty tummies and blank futures.

and i thought again.

of us.

of how ungrateful beings we have become.
we don't have card boards as blankets.
to shield us from the cold.
our tummies are full from last night's meal.
we have a roof to call a home.

yet.

we speak as if the unfortunates are us.
we protest and we object.
to the things we own.
as if.it worths less than the card boards they carry like home.

and it struck me.

my people are lucky.
even the homeless.
back home.
even if you don't own anything.
you still have the warmth.

good Samaritans spare food.
angels of the city.
people still care.

but there.
at the corner of the traffic light.
their presence are unwelcome.
even by the cold wind.
even warmth flees away.

and this i question myself.
of a forgotten feeling that i ought to have.

i am lucky.
in so many ways.
my people are lucky.
in so many ways.

but we are blind.
blinded by the things we think we deserve.

nothing separates us from them.
but a mere written fate from the Lord.

just that.

yet.
we demand.and demand.more everyday.
by our 50 shades of greed.
and not once we stop and think.

i have more than i deserve.

yet.
why do i convey dissatisfaction everyday?
why do i question my fate like i have no faith.

i understand.it is easy to dismiss the things that do not suit our preference.
but.with this story in mind.
bare in mind.

the unfortunates are everywhere.
even in the coldest and the warmest of place.
if we could have our wants and your needs fulfilled.
stop trying to connote that we are the unfortunates.

because.
if we keep telling ourselves that.
we might just be.

unfortunately greedy.

7.124

i have been wanting to write for quite a while.

but every time i do.
words seem to fail on me.

whether i have outgrew it.
or it has outgrew me.

either way.
i seem to have forgotten its beauty.

of how to line words side by side to make a meaning.
of how beautiful a meaning could be.

of just words.

i told myself today.
i am lucky.

in so many ways.
i just am.

they are 7.124 billion souls that are luckier than i am.
maybe.
but.
i am lucky enough.still.


today as i woke up.i realised the most.


my heart was pumping blood steadily.
my lungs were able to take a deep soothing breath easily.
my tummy was not hungry.
and my thoughts.and my memories were still there.from the night before.
when i opened my eyes.
there was still that white pale painted ceiling above it.
and in spite of how cold it was outside.
i was warm under my duvet.

and in my heart.
it cried a little.
of how little i give thanks to the things i have been blessed with.

in 7.124 billion.
one heart could not have functioned whilst i was asleep.
a pair of lungs may have collapsed as i was dreaming a beautiful dream.
a kid might be in hunger as i had my last supper before sleep last night.
an old lady might have struggled to remember how her daughter looks like.
and a man..might be waking up under a bridge in a cold winter morning as i opened my eyes.

so.
i am lucky.
and i give thanks too little than what my Creator deserves.

as i sit today on my bed.
typing these words.
lining them up.
to give a certain meaning.

i realised.
there is only one word that could express the beauty of it all in the end. . . .





Alhamdullilah.



for today.
after months of not writing.
i wish to whom ever that is reading this.
is lucky or even luckier than i am today.

give thanks.
you are just bones covered with flesh with a beating heart.
for today.

why do i do the things i do?

it's a cold morning today.
and it seems to be a cold day again.
im wrapped tight in my duvet.
thinking of days where warmth is actually a great blessing.

2 weeks have passed.
and thousands of miles have i gone.
putting myself again in the unfamiliarities of life.
back to square one.

classes.projects.courseworks.
and husbandless.
in repeat.

as much as i try to grasp it all in a single blow.
it is bigger than my hands could hold.

but as i sat here alone.in my cold quiet room.
i began to elute my thoughts.
to a place i have not been in a while.

i began to ponder.
why do i do the things i do?
why do i follow the path?

is there some kind of a cosmic power that directs the entire universe to lead me.(us) to do the things that i (we) do now.
or is it just a matter of choice really?

to how even complex or different i shape the question to be.
i am always back to the basic answer.

its.
faith.

faith on a God that is not apparent to our views.
but close to the hearts.
faith that He is the one.
before.now.and after.

shaping the path.
the past.present and future.
of the thin thread of our lives.

bit by bit.
He formed it all.

and the more i think about it.
why do i do the things i do?

its because
the paths that were given to me.
has been written.
the choices have been given.

and in between two roads.
if i chose left.or right.

the following path.
the ending of the path.
has been determined.

and.
would it be a waste.
if i keep on asking why.
rather than embracing it.
appreciating it.
to base it now.
for Him.

because.
if i chose to be thousands of miles away.
from all the familiar faces.
into yet another ambiguous phase.
why not base it on Him?
why not putting the intention for Him?
wouldn't that be the grateful thing for a slave to do?

indeed.
nothing is lost.
if its Him you base it upon.

so.
its time now that i stop asking.
and submit to the answer instead.

it is because of faith.
i do the things i do.
and i ought to the things i have yet to do.

it is because of faith.


of a faith.
that my Allah is never vain in His decisions.

and i have made mine.
so did He.

to our days ahead.
may Allah put a gentle touch on it.
for every step of the way.
for every beat of the heart.
for every blow of the breath.

Ameen.

some people are just. people.

i began writing this entry today.

with an intention.

an intention full of fury.

a statement that should have been made to portray a certain dissatisfaction.

but.

as i was about to write it.

i realised. 

if i were to really put it in words.

it would only be a waste.

of every ounce of my energy.

of every ounce of my thoughts and feelings.

so i took a moment of silence.

to realise that.

hey dearself.

why bother being upset over something that is so vile and empty.

so minute.and so meaningless.

and so.

i opened the Quran.

as advised by my husband.

and Allah.being the forever Wise.

gave an advice.

worth learning.

'And whoever avenges himself after having been wronged - those have not upon them any cause [for blame]. The cause is only against the ones who wrong the people and tyrannize upon the earth without right. Those will have a painful punishment.And whoever is patient and forgives - indeed, that is of the matters [requiring] determination.' -Asy-Syura 41-43

and there it was.

a direct advice.

an advice that only fools would turn away.

and so i thought to myself.

why bother?

forgive instead.

some people are just worth the bliss of not being noted.

some people.are just.

people.

and so.

the fury.the anger.

turned into mere pity.

and disappointment.

pity.

of those who uses words just as mere words.

without truly understanding it.

of even greater pity.of being shadowed by ignorance.

of a dishonest paraphrasing.

and of false pretence.

simply.

disappointed.

that my words are being used for nothing but  quotations in  captions that do not give any meanings to it.

of simply alphabets lined together to accompany deceitful images.of merely pretentious thoughts and feelings.

simply.

a childish game.

of a meaning lost in translation. 

of my failure to convey my writings.

as it should be conveyed and understood.

and so.

i forgive.

because.

i have better things to care about.

of world hunger.

of war crimes.

of a higher meaning in life.

and so.

to a last thought that would not last long enough.

i forgive.

because i am too happy.

to care.

if you feel the prick of the needle in your heart.then its probably about you.

so i asked my husband.
what shall i write?

and his reply was.

'dear.psycho.please stay away'

far from being poetic.
just simple.
short.
and precise.
i have to admit.

but.

i am far from being simple.short.and precise.

i am more of a winding road that gets you to your destination.
after countless of hours and immense frustration.

simply.
winding.


after seeking the wisdom from the wise husband.
i have decided to simply do it my way.
instead.

after all.what better being than to be myself.
and write like myself.


so.here it is.
my winding way of saying things.
and i hope its poetic enough to not be perceived as hatred.


dear you.

my words are never mine.
the alphabets that line itself to form words.and then followed by sentences.

those.
are never mine.

but.
the thoughts.
the feelings.
that became the reasons behind the words.
those.
are.

mine.

no amount of praise.
nor condemn.

would be of interest.
for i write.
for my thoughts.
and my feelings.

i write for me.

as a reminder for my later days.
of whom i have become.
and of whom i was.

therefore.
dear you.
this is for you.
to take heed.
just some few humble tips.


it is very ignoble of one.
to copy bit by bit.

of my feelings and thoughts.
to suit thy.

and make it yours.

like i said.

i do not own my words.
so.
neither do you.

i humbly inform that it is alright to read and to feel.
after all ,all our souls are created to connect.
what i write.
might be felt.
by him.her.or them.

but to repeat.
each of my thoughts and feelings.
down to the very end.

and make it yours.

that is simply.
very.

inelegent.

of you.

so share as you may.
i don't mind.
but don't do it so blatantly.
till you forget.
that those thoughts and feelings.
are never yours.

to parade so freely.

it is indeed far from classy.

very far indeed.



p/s : i get notifications every time my writings are being used without me knowing.the wonders of technology.it informs.without you seeking.just so you know.

the stranger i married.

the other night.

i couldn't sleep well.

my mind became this wondrous land that i wish i would have not visited.

something was bothering me.
but what bothered me more was that i was clueless of what it is.

a maze of grieve.

unanswered by a question that was never asked.


and as i was sighing in the silent night.

i looked to my right.

and there he was.

silently asleep.

so beautiful.
that i forgot  all about my meaningless grieve.

for a second.
life was all good again.

and it dawned on me.

it has been more than half a year now.
of loving this beautiful creature that laid rest beside me.

months  have flown by.

until loneliness is no longer a feared disease.
but rather a pseudo idea.

and yet.
i failed to sleep with ease.

that night.

i don't know what is more frightening.
to leave.or to be left.

but a month from now.

distance will be a painful barrier.
and not being able to see you when i turn to my right every night.

would bring somber to the heart.

but.

it took me a while.
before realising it.

that marriage is not just about having your partner near.

but to still love each other.
even when distance becomes the great barrier.


and what a complex puzzle it was that night became a simple notion.

that.
what i was feeling.

was a feeling of simply missing you.


even.
before we part.

so here's to you my dear
to the one i adore.
to the stranger i married.
may distance be yet another reason.
to miss you even more.

happy-almost-annivesary.
love.