Just as I thought things couldn’t get worse, my money has been cut and I have no income for the moment.
I feel like I am just holding on in there, but I very scared.
I hear all the time about benefits being cut for the disabled, bur for some stupid reason I thought I would be alright.
I will have to go Jobseekers.
I am sorry to be so depressing, but I am depressed and very poor.
On Saturday Manchester is having a Reclaim the Night. I will be going.
I do feel quite emotionally drained by all the reporting of male violence, and the waste of too many women’s and children’s lives. On Saturday, I hope to find a place for the pain and grief I feel at the moment.
If anyone is going to Manchester, it would nice to meet up.
As I woke to hear the news, hearing the horrors unsurfacing in Jersey, my stomach is crying with grief.
I have no tears. Only my body aches in pain as I can’t cry. Instead I cough. Sometimes I am sick.
I have always know how men that hate truly depise women and children. But this last week of too many murders and tortures of women and children has finally broken a huge part of me.
Before I know but I was so detached from any emotions. I was frozen.
My body and mind could not allow the truth in. I had to not care.
Now, as I am grieving what I hear on the news. As I remember Ipswich, as I think of Jersey, as I grieve West London. I grieve the stealing of all those women’s and children’s futures.
As I grieve I can remember the women and girls I lose through male violence and hate.
I had a best friend at nine.
My stepdad hated anyone being close to me. He know that I may tell of his sexual violence. He feared I would be believed.
I love my friend with all my heart. At nine I could still remember how to love and I could recieve love. At nine, I just hanging on to being a child.
My stepdad hated our closeness. So he destroy it.
He told her parents that I had “raped” her. Said I was hurting her.
She disappeared from my life. And I became silent.
When I was 14, I thought I had a friendship. I did not know how to be friends, as by 14 I was too emotionally damaged by the constant sexual and mental abuse I had at home,
Our friendship was of two highly damaged individuals, each determined to prove we care about nothing and nobody.
It was with her that I enter the world of prostitution. She know of the club where I ended up “working”. She know it was dangerous and that was what attracted us to go.
I remember with such sadness that time. I want to stop time and make that neither of us enter the club.
I see now two furious 14-years-old. They think they such rebels, so hard. They imagine that they are in control.
I see them, and I want to say it is just a story. Only I know it is true.
It hurts so much seeing the “beginning”.
My friendship was destroyed by the sex trade. As the violence increase for me, I had to have someone to blame.
When I saw her taking the money and not having sex. I blame her and cut her out my life.
This I grieve now. For I know she was as damaged as me. I know she needed some power in her life. If “selling” me was what she had to do, I cannot anymore feel angry.
She was 14. She had no power, just money.
I have lost her, but I would like to know her and say it was not her fault.
She did not rape me. She did not torture me. She did not try to murder me.
She was used as much as me.
When I was 17, I let love into my life. I was wild with love.
My love was platonic, because sexual violence had made me hate sex.
But it was full-on love.
She was a survivor of extreme violence from her father. The memories and pain of that had her to driven to hard drugs.
When I meet her, she was fighting to be clean.
We were a strange couple. Me “addicted” to violent sex and alcohol, her addicted to drugs. We meet when we both wanted a change.
We both were beginning to imagine a future.
We were crazy with anger at the violence in our lives. We raged through many nights at how men rape us and batter us.
She saw where I had been strangled and she hug me.
I would hold her tightly as she had withdrawals.
Then her father found her. She never said what he did.
The last time I saw everything was dead in her.
Then I told she had overdosed.
I feel it was not suicide but murder by her father. He destroy her love of life. He murdered her belief in the future. He made her his property again.
After she died, I could let love in my life again. I could not give so much away again.
I became dead inside.
These are a few of my losses.
When I see news of women and children being tortured or murdered, I can now feel my heart breaking.
Men who hate steal the hopes, creativity and the ability to feel of the women and girls that they choose to abuse. Whether or not they kill in the physical form, they always are destroying the uniquiness of the women and children that they abused.
If you are lucky enough to survive their violence, the aftermath is very hard.
For when you feelings back, you can remember how much of your life was stolen.
I do remember the women and girls I loved and lost. Now, I will hold them in my heart and honoured their strengths.
Please remember all the women and girls that have lost to male hate and violence.
At the moment, my mind cannot rest. There is an uneasiness going from my brain into my body.
I feel no peace, only an urge to write to give some rest.
As I come to terms with my past, every time I think I know how bad it was, I trip over emotions that show how truly awful it was.
I feel I have open a box carrying pain and grief. I want to slam it shut, but it always springs open.
I seemed to write with courage. But I want to say I terrified by what I see.
More, I am terrified by the huge grief I am feeling.
As I heard the news of yet more murdered women and girls, I feel it. All my life I have ignored or been hardened to deaths of women and girls.
I did not want to know. Somewhere a place I would not go, I know my life had too many connections with those deaths. So, I shut it out with a firmness.
Now as we wake each morning to yet more tortures and deaths, I feel so sad and desperate.
I am saddened that women and girls are killed all the time. Most of these deaths go unreported or unsolved.
I am saddened that prostituted women and girls are still being tortured and killed on a daily basis thoughout the world. They are still seen as women and girls that can be thrown away.
I an saddened that the media is only interested in women’s and girls’ deaths when they can sensationalise it. No interest in how prostituted women and girls are killed in ones all the time. But a serial killer, now that is of interest.
I am saddened by the wanting to “understand” the murderer of women. Often the murderers of prostituted women and girls are just the same as any other man who make the choice to buy sex. After all, all those men believe that they owned the prostituted woman or girl. He will believe it is his right to do as he wishes.
In my experience, this can involve torture of the body and the mind. It often involves rape. To kill a woman and girl in that environment is inevitable.
If men are allow to get with extreme violence and rape then murder will be commonplace.
I am saddened for still prostituted women and girls live in a reality where they expect violence. They live in a world where they must hardened to death and that other prostituted women and girls around them are “disappearing”.
This world is made to disappear by our media.
Instead we are living in a world of the “happy hooker”.
I can have no peace when that dangerous myth is seen as the norm.
When you speak out outside of radical feminist circles, you continually hit the barrier of the “choice” to be in the sex trade.
I would love to believe that women had autonomy in the sex trade. It would nice to think that feminists could attack the sex trade from within.
But that is not a reality.
The sex trade will always control how women speak about pornography and prostitution. It will use women to promote the “freedoms” of the sex trade.
When women claimed to have power in the sex trade, there is always men behind pulling the strings.
The concept of “feminist” porn is nice, but in my opinion a contradiction in terms.
For pornography is a sexuality of dominence and submission. It promotes the use of pain and degradation in order to give the viewer or reader an orgasm. It is a sexuality of deep emptiness.
I hope that feminist sexuality is striving to build relationships of communication and mutual respect. A sexuality that is not goal-orientated. And, I want feminist sexuality to teach the world to stop seeing women and girls as sexual objects.
The thing that almost drove me mad, where the concept that prostitution would alright if more women brought sex.
So women should allow to use other humans as objects, and that is equality.
I want women to be better than the men that use prostituted women and girls. Don’t join them in the violence.
As I write, I know I write with a huge pain in my heart.
I know women and girls that are no longer here. Always when I write I remember their hopes and passions.
This was taken away because we let men get away with hate and violence.
I have too much of the deaths of women and girls. It is a slow genocide.
So, I am proud to call myself a radical feminist. For they are only group that recognise how serious this issue is.
I have been reading the BBC article on why men feel they should justify using prostituted women and girls, I read it last week, but because of the recent women-hating murders, I feel stirred to response.
It begins by explaining these men are successful. Obviously they are not the saddos that “normally” use prostituted women and girls.
I mean you can tell a man that pays for sex, for isn’t he seedy, rather old and ugly. A lonely disfunctional man who can only have his “needs” met by exchanging money.
Hell, this stupid stereotype is so dangerous. All types of men use prostituted women and girls. All men that choose to use prostituted women and girls are capable of raping or using other forms of violence.
To make the image of the man that uses prostituted women and girls so narrow is highly dangerous. It does lead to murderers going unnoticed as they are seen as just a “punter” and therefore not dangerous.
Many men say to sleep with a prostituted woman and girl is not as “bad” as having an affair. For there is no emotional attachment.
All I can say that is a tiny bit honest.
Without emotional attachment all the prostituted woman or girl is real-life porn fantasy. She will do everything that the girlfriend or wife won’t do.
Prostituted women and girls do not complain. They would not dare. Some things that should be painful have the prostituted woman girl smiling.
The man will use the prostituted woman or girl as blank board where he will place all his hate, anger and porn dreams. She is nothing. She becomes invisible.
Men that used prostituted women and girls do not see that there is no emotional involvement for all her emotions are dead.
But then men demand that the prostituted women and girls give them a wonderful sexual experience. Something unique.
With most men this is too bloody easy. For many men before they use a prostituted woman or girl have already built up the fantasy to the maximum, that not too much need to be done and they think it is special. Many are so out of it that they have no idea what is happening.
But there too many men who used prostituted women and girls to play out the hate of all women. These men will attack because you undress too slow. These men do not have sex.
No, they do sexual acts that will degrade and humilate the prostituted woman or girl to the maximum. They will cause as much pain and fear as possible without killing usually. Often this torture will take place over a long period of time.
These men know they will not be reported. They know the majority of prostituted women and girls have lost hope that society cares what happens to them.
But, still men defend their actions, by spreading the myth that prostituted women and girls “choose” their lifestyle.
I will not go on why I find hard to believe that the vast majority of prostituted women and girls “choose” to be in the sex trade. For I have written my views on that in a lots of my posts.
Rather, I will say men say this lie to justify their own violence. The same mind-set will believe that the prostituted woman or girl is smiling because he is such great company.
She could not be acting. Performing to survive.
He may even think that she has had an orgasm – she never fakes it.
As he pretend that he can imagine she is half-human, he reminds himself it is just a business contract. A contract of equals. He wants a service, pays the bucks, and she will provide him with sexual services. It is that simple.
But somehow I never felt equal. I never thought I could not do whatever man “needed” from me. I did not feel equal as I was strangled, beaten and raped. Somehow I felt inferior.
But, men claimed that they want to be “friends”. Well, prostituted women and girls will play any role the men want. They will talk, but they are not listening.
But why when men usually debase prostituted women and girls do they imagine ther is any ground for friendship.
Men who talk or are gentle with prostituted women and girls cannot and will not be trusted. They may be manipulated.
For why shouldn’t prostituted women and girls treat men with contempt.
When men stop using the bodies of prostituted women and girls as a dustbin for their hate and violence. Then maybe there could be a small amount of respect.
Men say legalise or discrimialise prostitution. In other words make easier to access. Don’t punish a man for “just meeting his needs”.
I say your willy won’t fall off if you don’t used prostituted women and girls.
Men do not have the right to buy women and girls in order to get a hard-on. That is not a fundamental human right.
It is a fundamental human right that the women and girls work in conditions without fear or actual violence. It is a fundamental human right not to raped at work.
So men lie as they use prostituted women and girls over and over.
As I remembered the women and girls who disappear. As I know in my body the destuction of their hate and violence being forced into me.
I say again men lie. They know that they are raping. They know they are destroying.
The thing is they do not care.
If radical feminism can do anything is show these men, if they will not care – then they will be punish.
For the women and girls need to know that there people that care about their human rights.
I have lived a double life from a very early age. By regaining my voice is not just breaking a silence, but allowing myself to be one person.
When I say a “double life”, it feels more like I became roles to fit in. Often I was fitting in with dangerous men. So I became the role that meant I stay alive and kept some sanity.
Looking back, I know I lost any sense of self. Now, I hope to someone I can recognise. I do not understand what my “self” is.
All I can hope for is that I can be a person I can like, and grow to love.
Fear makes silence seems sensible.
As a child I know this.
I know this the first time I was raped by my stepdad. As I lost words, I felt my voice run away. As I tidied away all evidence of the rape, I was mute with shock.
The first time never goes away. That is the time a child is broken.
Before I think I was a child with a strong will to find joy. That was lost. Before I trusted adults, I like their company. That was eroded.
I became silent. Burying anger into destroying my toys. I became silent. And my mind try to reason why I had been hurt.
I could not understand. So as a child would, I reasoned I must of been bad. It must of been a punishment.
Only I could not remember what I did.
A child has no words to explain the randomness of sexual violence. A child cannot see she may be blameless. A child will refuse to imagine that she could so hated.
To think that her body is just a toy for a man – what child can think of that.
Not understanding, I strive to fit in. I thought if I was “good”, my stepdad would have no reason to hurt me.
I did not know he did not care what I did. He never saw me. He saw just opportunies to destroy what he imagine I was.
As I stay good, he drip-fed mental abuse into me. He would quietly told me how he could murder me, make my body disappear.
I was nothing.
I sunk deeper into silence. As at night I had nightmares of being buried alive. As I listened hard to every footstep outside my bedroom, holding my breath. I was silent.
My whole body was screaming, but no noise would come. I know it would make difference.
And the silence was hammered in when I was shown hard- core porn. These images shut me down completely. I could not live after seeing that. I had to be a robot.
All this was before I became a prostituted woman and girl.
My story is not unusual, it is not even rare. But my story and many others are silenced as excuses are made for the sex trade.
I was brainwashed by child abuse to believe all I was a body that would always be abused. My history made me perfect prey for the sex trade.
I had lost myself before I became a prostituted girl.
When I was in the world of prostitution, I had no words , no expression. My silence was so deep, that I did not know I had stopped speaking.
It was then I lead a double life to the maximum. I cut out the violence, when I was at school or visiting relatives. I try to act the teenager, only I had no idea how to do that.
I remember going through the roles of beeing a teenager as a zombie. There was flashes of anger, moments of violence. There was longer and longer times of self-harm. But all seemed so far away, it was not connected to me.
When I was in the violence of prostition, my “real” life disappear. As I live with constant pain and knowledge that I would not live – I could care about nothing.
All I knew was act well. Act as whatever the men imagine I was.
I know I was their porn fantasy. At the time, I could of thought in those words. But I know as I remember images from “Hustler”, as I f-ked over and over as a prostituted woman and girl. I know as I saw myself from a distance, I was part of those images.
As men did sexual acts, that I choose to blank out, I know porn has polluted their brains. As my body was tortured over and over, the hate-speech of porn was ripping me apart.
For me, there is no way men would treat prostituted women and girls so bad, without the constant brainwashing of living inside a porn culture. Men are given permission to be violent to prostituted women and girls for they are just “sex on demand”.
Men can owned a prostituted woman or girls. Once owned, she will lose all her rights. He as the owner can and will make her do whatever is his whim. As property, her safety and dignity have no relevance.
But this reality is brainwashed away whem you are living the life of a prostituted woman and girl. Instead it is encourage to believe that you choose to be there.
I remember having my past eroded, I was made to forget that there any connection to my stepdad. Instead I came to think I was just a bad girl, who deserve the pain I was receiving.
In my confusion, I begun to believe that it was my choice to be involved with sadistic sex. I thought I could walk away anytime. I imagined I was ok in a way.
I remember that time when I hear women or girls who are still working as prostitutes defending themselves. I think when in the life, you must believe it is your choice and you could have some power. To see otherwise is too terrifying.
If I had seen the reality of my life, I would of killed myself. Of that I have no doubt.
There become a point when silence cannot be held in. It is at that point, that a change is happening.
When I could not live any more as a tortured woman, my body collapse in on itself. I had to leave the violence in order to have a life.
I do not how I got the strength to break away. It was supernatural strength that came from knowing to stay in the life, then I would be dead.
I have left that life behind. For many years, as I found I could have a stable and safe life, I close all those years away.
But, in the last few years I found a voice that will say who I was then.
I can say how terror makes silence a survival tactic. Silence will means sleeping walking through life, being whoever someone wants you to be. But, act well enough and you will survive.
Silence is buried anger as seeing how men made me into roles that forced into danger. How as I acted I lost all feelings. As my feelings disappeared, hope vanished.
Now, I speak out. My voice is new. I an often shocked by my own words.
All I know is silence was killing me.
One man has been found guilty for the murders of five prostituted women in Ipswich.
My question is has this made a real change for the safety of prostituted women and girls.
Prostituted women and girls are murdered on a mass scale. It may be that a prostituted women or girl are 40 times more likely to be murdered than other group are.
There is a genocide of prostituted women and girls.
So to stop this violence, we need to confront and punish all men that choose to pay for sex. For all men that pay for sex are encouraging a system that give murderers permission to torture and kill prostituted women and girls.
Men know can murder prostituted women and girls one at a time, and it will go unnoticed.
After all these murders are commonplace, therefore not newsworthy.
But some b-tard that chooses to murders more two or more prostituted women and girls will be get media attention.
He will get what he want – fame.
I am sick and exhausted by how many times I have read in just the local press of missing or murdered prostituted women and girls. Sick and tired of how few men get arrested for those murders.
And I pissed off the stupid sentence the men get, or how often they get found not guilty.
I remember the world of prostitution where it was normal for women and girls to disappear.
Murder was numbed out, it could not be seen.
To see that you could be murdered at any time or place, on the whim of some violent man. To see that whilst living in the midst of that horror, will and does damage your mental welfare.
Many prostituted women and girls can and do commit suicide when they see the reality of their live.
I feel an overwhelming grief.
I saddened at the waste of those 5 young women’s lives. I grieve that were not given the choice to have a better future.
I am filled with stunned grief that the sensational media thinks that details of the murders and the “mind of the murderer” is newsworthy.
Rather that the unglamourous concept that most murders of prostituted women and girls is because the man may assume that their lives don’t matter.
I had to live with that grief all my life. I was nearly killed more times than my brain want to believe. I live with in that time of my life was worth nothing.
My murder would of been nothing.
That grief overwhelms me.
To start to prevent more women and girls being murdered, we need to have a radical change.
In the long-term prostitution must be abolished. In the short-term we must make the buying of women and girls for sex a crime.
And all men that are violent to prostituted women and girls should get serious sentences.
Keeping the status quo is a throwing away the women’s and girls’ live.
I wish to write some of my thoughts on making a real change for prostituted women and girls. I make no claims that my ideas are original – many seemed to be needed to be repeated over and over. All I claim is that I speak from my heart.
I feel there must be a better future for prostituted women and girls. To me to build a future, lies need to be destroy.
One lie that destroy hope is the old refrain –
“Prostitution has always been there, we can’t rid of it”.
Well, I say as exited prostitute, I really don’t care how long prostitution has existed. Whilst women and children are suffering in the name of prostitution, I am not interested in an abstract history lesson.
Anyhow, as an incest survivor, I suppose that child abuse has always been with us. So, we should just accept it as a necessary evil. There should be no child protection laws. Men that abuse children should get off scot free.
Most people would shocked if children had no legal protection.
But prostituted women and girls are abused on a daily basis. Many have lived a lifetime of abuse. They have to fend for themselves.
But there is the try and tested lie. Prostituted women have chosen their lifestyle.
I personally find hard to believe that any women or girl who is a long-term prostitute has freely chosen that lifestyle. There may a very tiny minority who have the privilege to be a prostituted women for a short-term who have chosen that “job”.
I personally have never meet any prostituted woman or girl who “chose” to work in the sex trade.
To believe that to view that women have chosen prostitution has become another reason to make these women “other”. Many people who go on and on about the “free choice”, also will say there is no way they or any woman that they know would ever be a prostitute however desperate they were.
Now, I feel to understand the concept making a free choice, the whole life of the woman should be known.
All too often all a prostitute is seen as her role of the “whore”. She has no existence outside that role.
Many prostituted women and girls have a lifetime of abuse and violence. Many are survivors of childhood abuse of all kinds.
Many who have live with sexual abuse in their family homes, have been trained to view themselves as a sexual object for men to use. That is their reality. For many survivors of childhood sexual abuse, becoming a prostitute is a logical step.
There is a brainwashing that prostitution can be a “big earners”. For many teenagers, this can make it appear attractive. Especially if it can appear to be the ultimate rebellion.
Remember most girls that enter prostitution are very young, on average between 12 to 14 years old. Many young teenage view the world in clearly defined terms. Many are angry with the adult world, so may wish to to an act that will cut them off from adults.
But, may of these young teenage girls will become trapped inside the sex trade. Many will too proud to admit they have made a mistake, until the door is slammed tight shut on them.
Men who are on the look out for girls to make into prostitutes will know a girl they trap. They will know girls who have no-one that they can trust. They will self-hatred shining from these girls.
One thing that drive me mad is the concept that prostitution is done to get money for drugs.
No, any form of drugs is needed to cope with the violence of living as a prostituted woman or girl.
Most prostituted women or girls that took drugs before entering the sex trade, did so because of other traumas in their lives.
But, living on a daily basis as a prostituted woman and girl, I found I be an alcholic to deadened the pain and my reality.
A reality where rape is so common that all the areas in my body that were raped had no feelings.
A reality where men spoke to me in degrading and soul-destroying language.
A reality where I expected to be beaten up.
That was for 12 years of my life.
To drugged is a normal way to cope with such hate and violence.
Prostitution will not be solved by discrimalising hard drugs. No, it is the men’s violence that is the problem, the drugs just eases the pain for a short period.
Now, I come to it. Men who chose to pay for women and girls to “service” them, that is the problem.
There can be no more excuses for paying for sex.
I always was taught that the buying of another human being would be classed as slavery. For some unknown reason, prostitution is classed as a “job”.
Well for the vast majority of prostituted women and girls it sure as hell feels like slavery.
It feels like there is no exit. For in the world of prostitution all contact with the “real world” is closed down or made to look dangerous.
There is no care taken of the safety and security of the average prostituted women or girl.
As a prostituted woman I had no rights to not go with a sadistic punter. His money was more than my physical and mental welfare. I had no-one I could complain to if I was beaten and or raped.
I had no rights to “work” in an safe environment. I was abused in flats, behind pubs, in clubs and on the street. Men abused prostituted women and girls in any place.
After that they will throw them away.
The fact that the woman or girl may be paid does not mean it is not a model-day slavery.
When a prostituted women or girl can refuse a punter without fear, than I may say it not slavery.
Only I always forget “it is just a job”.
A job where you can may be murdered, and that is just seen as an opportional risk.
No, I have had enough of the the excuses for men buying women and girls.
Prostitution must be abolished.
For the safety of all women and girls, men must stopped viewing women as sex objects. Men must stopped placing women into the “good” girlfriend/wife material, and the ” bad whore” material.
Men have no choice but to see all women as complex. Not they the stupid stereotypes that the porn culture places them in.
Men need to discover that to be vulnerable in front of a woman is not weak. Men need to communicate with their brain, not their penis.
Men who choose to buy women or girls should be punish.
I do not care if they consider themselves to be “gentle decent men”.
All men that pay for sex are financing a system that promote violence and degradation of women and girls. The “gentle” men are supporting the men that beat, rape and murder prostituted women and girl.
From my memory, I had no knowledge whether my punter were vilent ot not. I fear all men that choose to pay for me.
After all, it was on their whim whether they torture me or not,
My vision is a world where prostitution is dead.
I feel that many radical feminists who are striving towards that world. They cannot do it alone. I dream that one prostitution will see as an abberation in our history.
When I dream hard, I imagine the changes happening in my lifetime.
I have decided to write about how I remember my last week. It has been a strange time, but a very important time.
I think I am getting my emotions back. I cannot be sure, for it feels an unknown to me. But, I think I am slowly becoming who I should be.
I feel I have landed in a new place with radical feminist, a place where the words of prostituted women and girls are heard.
I am so used to framing my reality to suit the listener. I am used to ignoring my pain and grief, in order to use words that can fit with their views of the “incest survivor” and or the “prostitute”.
I have spoken the language of the silenced all my life. This language meant I lose all sense of my self.
For, most of the time I was whoever I was in the room with.
Alone, I felt empty.
Now, meeting with and reading radical feminism, I may of found a home.
I found a place where I can say words I had thought I could never say outloud. Words that fester in stomach, slowly killing me.
Now, I speak and write and it comes out as a scream.
I read Andrea Dworkin, and thought why does this seems too familiar.
As I saw the pure hate that violent men have for prostituted women and girls, something stir in me.
But I did not want to know. So I closed down those thoughts.
But, a seed was planted. The more I ignore that I could identify with Andrea Dworkin’s words, the more sick and detached I grow. The more I seem to go headlong to death.
Something had to go.
So with a force of will, I decided to live. I decided to live I had to hear why I recognise the words of Andrea Dworkin.
Over years and so slowly, I saw and believed that I had been a prostituted women and girl. I saw what I had always refused to believe.
I need to see that time, and make part of me. I needed to be a whole person, my past needed to be recognise.
I know radical feminism has given me a route to see and know my reality.
It is not an easy road, it is a bloody difficult one. But, I know I do not have to pleased other with speaking a language that need.
Finally I am in a place where I am constantly translating my reality to suit others.
For me the only way to get rid of most oppression is to start by listening and hearing the oppressed.
Prostituted women and girls are slowly getting listen to. To hear is very painful, will make you sad and can be depressing. But, do not turn away.
Hear and know that women and girls are being tortured in a depressing casual way. The men who choose to pay for sex, consider their violence to be invisible, or too common for society to be bother about.
Hear and know that prostituted women and girls are rapes so many times that cannot think of the number. They cannot see the faces of their rapists, often it merges into a blur.
Hear and know how effective the brainwashing of the sex trade that traps prostituted women and girls. The false belief that “outside world” will never accept a women or girl who leave prostitution. That they will always be a “whore”, there is no escape.
It is important that fears of women and girls who have manage to exit prostitution are taken seriously.
The fear that are only the role of the “prostituted woman”. For some, they cannot remember a life outside of that role. I still find it hard to understand that life is normal without male violence. I feel I learning everyday that I need not think I may be raped tomorrow.
I have found that radical feminism can hold these words of grief and fear and not reinvent it on their terms.
Being heard, has meant all my deadened emotions have raisen to the top.
This is terrifying. This is very painful. But this is the most important change in my life.
I know I have the support of women with this change. But I also very alone with my pain and grief.
I feel if we are serious at encouraging women and girls to exit prostitution, we most offer help with expressing the trauma. It is too hard dealing the mental scars alone.
Having pain and grief after a lifetime of deadening emotions is confusing.
When I feel grief, I have no idea what to do with it. I cannot “cure” my past. I feel grief and then I can feel bitter that I know such horrors.
Pain is so bad as it remind how the casual cruelty of men, left inside my body traces I cannot drown.
I try to write in this blog that it is very hard being in the “real world” after living in middle of male violence..
It hard to force life back, when being dead seemed easier.
I suppose I know that it must be better to be fully alive, then being a ghost.
But, I write to say I am still confused.
There are many things that have made sick for too much of my life. I will write about a few that have close to killing my ability to go forward.
The thing is that I have lost patience with pretending that I am not hurt to the pit of my stomach. I live in a world where I hear lies about male violence coming at me from all angles.
Enough. Before speaking, stop and see for a second the pain you put out into the world.
I deeply wounded by women who named themselves “feminists”, then say how harmless the sex trade is. I am sick of being reasonable about this.
I say here that you cannot be a feminist and support the sex trade.
I have said this in many ways and many times. I know that you choose not to hear. But again I say, do not call yourself a feminist and suppport the sex trade.
For you are supporting a system that is killing women and girls. You are supporting a system that keeping all women in a state of fear.
To support the sex trade because you may perceive it as harmless and liberating . That is a highly selfish and privileged way to view the sex trade.
I want to say that real women and girls are damaged by the sex trade.
When you promote the sex trade, you are discounting a whole section of women and girls. You are placing them as sub-humans.
For, by backing the sex trade, you saying that the performers, lap-dancers, prostituted women and girls, escorts and all the other women and girls in the sex trade do not feel pain. That do not have a life outside of their role in the sex trade.
If you percieve the sex trade as empowering or entertainment, I would say shame on you. It is the entertainment of the bear pit.
And I do not believe in feminist porn. I thought feminist politics could go beyond the sexuality of degradation.
I say here that women that defend porn and prostitution has total disrespect to the women that exited the sex trade. I will not listen anymore to their delusions.
For it wounds me severely hearing words that ridicude all the pain I was force to live with.
I have enough of feeling I should not say that my ambition is to be part of abolishing prostitution. I don’t want to tinker with the systems of prostitution.
I want it to be as dead as a dodo.
I can see no reason why men should be allow buy women for sex.
I do do see as part of evolution that men can own women and girls. I did read Darwin, I must of miss that part.
I am sick of the view it has always be here, so there no point in getting rid of prostitution.
That is only said by men who see buying women and girls as an entitlement, but pretend to be reasonable.
I say that is nonsense. I don’t care how long prostitution has existed. I do care that real women and girls are being raped, tortured, mentally abused and murdered for the sake that men can have an orgasm.
This makes very sick. So, I have had enough.
I am sick that women and girls in the sex trade are made invisible in life. And in death they are blamed.
I want these women and girls to be seen in their wholeness, however uncomfortable that may be. These women and girls are not worthless.
I want the reasons that women and girls enter the sex trade to be explore. I want that can spaces that these women and girls can be safe enough to express their realities.
I want that their realities to be heard and not to be stereotypes.
But, I need that it stop that only interest in women and girls in the sex trade in after yet more murders.
I cannot bear anymore how men can causually murdered women and girls who they consider to be “whores” and it is made invisible.
It appears only to be noticed when a man is stupid enough to kill more than one “prostitute”. Most women and girls in the sex trade that are murdered become unsolved crimes.
I am sick that those murdered women and girls are blamed for their own deaths. I am sick that too many people have sympathy for the b-tards that decide to murder them.
I am sick that we still glamourise the killing of prostituted women and girls. It is just another porn story.
As someone who could of been murdered by punters on their whim. I can see no glamour there.
I remember how casually violent men were with prostituted women and girls. It is very ordinary.
Many men will kill, because they just do not care. They see killing as the ultimate sexual fantasy.
We should have no pity for these men.
Do not make excuses for them, just give them a life sentence.
I do not wish to write anymore.
There is a fury in me that has becomes a sickness.
I want to live in a world where no-one finds it acceptable to buy and sell women and girls for men to have an orgasm.
Rebecca Mott 