Monthly Archives: August 2009

It is Terrifying Having Courage.

Posted on by rmott62

This is fiercely dedicated to Laurelin and Heart.

“It takes far less courage to kill yourself than it takes to make yourself wake up one more time. It’s harder to stay where you are than to get out.” Judith Rossner.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt.

“The best protection any woman can have …. is courage.” Elizabeth Cady Stanton

“Risk! Risk anything …. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.” Katherine Mansfield.

These quotes are my understanding of parts of courage.

Courage is a place that I have run away from most of my life. I cannot see courage in myself.

But it there surrounding me whether I want it or not.

As Judith Rossner said it there each I wake up, each day I wake knowing my whole life and not cutting away my past because I refuse to face courage.

Courage is making the choice to live when dying would be so much easier.

Courage is knowing that living will be with double trauma.

Trauma of remembering the violence, the hate and the degradation that was and is inside my body and mind.

Trauma of knowing that, and living in a world that ridicules, silences and crushes any words that is said of that past.

Courage is saying the truth through and over the silencing.

But it is terrifying knowing that courage.

It is terrifying to be ridiculed about times where you were tortured, where you at the the brink of death.

This is made into a laugh, made trivial.

A coward would fight back, scream in the face of ridicule, try to say you don’t understand. knowing that will just lead to louder laughter and utter humiliation.

To have courage is to ignore the ridicule, and to continue speaking your truth with a heart of steel.

Courage means the ridicule will deeply hurt, will more than likely place back into body memories and into waking nightmares.

Courage comes from seeing, knowing and feeling the reality of the terror you have lived through. Knowing and feeling under your skin, in every sinews in your body, racing through your every nerve.

Courage is living side by side with the ghosts of your past.

Courage is having all that and choosing to speak out with a roar anyway.

Courage is living with others saying endlessly that your every word is a lie. That if there is a semblance of truth it is just your personal story and has no connection to others.

Courage is knowing your words will be thrown away as signs that you are mad.

To speak truth is smash against norms that accept torture, hate and degradation as unchangeable.

To say an alternative, must be named as lies or madness, for change would shake our society to the core.

To say, men do not have the right to own women and girls for fucking must be silenced.

I say that, and I wonder how they have the nerve to call me mad.

Living with courage is living with fear. Cowards run from fear, or act as if it does not exist.

The courageous see terror straight in the eye. They look it down, often feeling like their guts will fall out of their bodies – but continue with firmness and clarity.

As I write or speak, I have a sickness as I know the tortures I lived through.

Often I have to stop writing to be sick. Often I cannot sleep because I relieved the hell of prostitution.

Often I want to give up. Often self-destruction becomes welcoming.

But courage forces the truth out of me.

Truth is courage.

Once I started speaking and writing my truths, I could never return fully to my life of self-hate.

I still have the shadow of self-destruction following me every day, but courage is facing head-on those emotions and knowing it was poison place inside your by others hate and desire to control.

Self-destruction was one way to survive.

Courage is finding and understanding there is more to life than survival.

Courage is having a life that is ordinary and with peace.

That is a luxury for women who just surviving.

“We must constantly build dykes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.” Martin Luther King.

The Trick is Remembering to Breathe

Posted on by rmott62

This week I have pushed close to my personal brink.

I have been close to wanting to die, close to scrapping this blog, close to falling back into self-harm.

I have been on the receiving end of others’ hate and ignorance of what it is to be prostituted. I will not repeat what they said and wrote, for they are not worth it.

Anyhow they are just repeating the constant themes that prostituted women and girls are to blame for whatever violence happens to them. Again they repeat language that makes male violence invisible.

What was hard this week was the personal lies they said or wrote about why I was to blame for what happened to me.

I try to laugh it off, I try talking it to friends, I try ignoring it.

But the hurt is so deep. The hurt that drives me into self-harm.

So I have to concentrate on breathing. Concentrate on my own conscience.

I need to know that I am being attacked for speaking a truth that others want to destroy.

I am being attacked for having the courage to say knowing it open me to hate and mental warfare.

In a way, these attacks show what I write and say is undeniable – for otherwise the other side would be more reasonable in challenging me.

I will not be shut up.

Yes, you do hurt me deeply – but that hurt fuels my inner warrior to speak her truth louder and with clarity.

The Language Men Use

Posted on by rmott62

This post come from the depths of my sickness, and is based on the words men say about prostituted women and girls.

It is the language of entitlement, the language of the conqueror.

Men do not rape, they receive sexual relief.

WTF.

So prostitutes are just there for nothing, but for men masturbating into them on demand.

Men who fuck  prostituted women and girls, whether she is tired, injured, confused, scared or just bored.

Men who obviously don’t know how to masturbate with their own hands on their own penis.

I never realise men were as stupid as all that.

Men want to get relief, whether or not the woman or girl is in danger or terrified.

I say go to hell, your relief is in your own hands, leave women and girls alone.

Men say –

Don’t you know the prostitute uses the man.

Am I meant to laugh at that.

I mean a man buys a woman or a girl. He buy her to do whatever porn fantasy he wants.

He pays her for then she cannot or should not say no.

She is his possession.

But then.

Then his porn fantasy tells him she has the power, she is controlling him – god, she has taken his money, hasn’t she.

This fantasy is just another excuse for violence to punish the woman and girl for just doing what he was paying for.

He re-framed any raping, any bashing up and any sexual torture into the classic she was asking for it.  She was too big for her boots.

She made him feel small – he was degraded.

He was degraded how.

Who has penises forced down their throat, who has been gang-raped, who has sperm in their face, who has do anal sex over and over.

He was degraded because he was made to do sexual acts that were dirty, forced by the horrid whore.

Men say this rubbish with a straight face, they are so desperate to be the victim.

But, prostitutes are paid to do as they are order without question.

If a man wants to gang-rape, wants to perform violent anal sex, wants to cum on her face, wants to beat her up, wants to make her unconscious – it is his decision.

She will just perform and try to stay alive, and relatively uninjured.

But men do all that and say it is not violence, it is not rape.

For they say over and over how women (girls suddenly vanish), are prostitutes out of choice and coz they just love fucking loads of strange men.

Usually as they say this, they get a “happy hooker” to hide behind.

They find a woman to say she enjoys the thrill of prostitution, she has so much independence, she makes a small fortune, lives on her own terms etc etc.

She is a porn invention, and if she does exists, only a tiny minority of johns would pay to be with her.

No, johns pay to be in control and to degrade women and girls.

For johns hate women and girls.

Of course they lie about the motivations.

Johns will always say they are respectful and loving to the prostituted woman or girl.

Utter bullshit, the vast majority of johns are cruel, violent and love to degrade.

Even johns who think they are gentle and caring, do so in a way that reminds the prostitute that she is just a possession.

She can be petted and rewarded, and she can be smashed and thrown away.

Johns always know they are in control, that is why they invent language to hide that reality.

That is why it is best never to mention sexual slavery.

That would shine too bright a light on who they are.

Is “Consent” Some Kind of Magic

Posted on by rmott62

Men are obsessed with proving that women and girls consent to whatever sexual behaviour they are put through.

I find it interesting that the type of man who is obsessed with saying it is consent, may have a nagging doubt that it may be abuse, may be rape – Christ it may be sexual torture.

Consent is formed around the type of woman or girl is being “abused”.

No man or boy would named himself a rapist, so consent becomes something to hide behind.

It does become magic, because all his violence is made to disappear.

There are “nice” girls, the ones you can and should date rape.

If it is called “rough sex” or say you lack experience, then it cannot possibly be rape. No, it is fun.

If she is saying no, she is a tease, or just pretending to be good.

To prepare for date rape, it would necessary to be clue up on techniques – for that overdose on porn.

See there how get a blow-job as your right, do not be afraid of wanting to do anal sex, hell when you cum do it in her face.

That can’t be abuse, for as porn claims over and over and over and over women just pretend they don’t like that.

As porn says no means nothing, but carry on regardless.

Now, me as a writer, will be judgemental – if your idea of sex with is a woman or girl is copied from porn, then you are more than likely an abuser, you have more than likely done rape.

The fact that she said nothing does not make it ok.

Then, men want to imagined that prostituted women and girls consent to whatever is done to them.

That is just pure arrogance.

Most johns are faceless, “just a job”. There is little or no sexual feelings involved for the woman or girl.

What is remembered is the violence that becomes routine.

How dare you imagine prostitutes consent to being close to death, consent to sexual torture, consent to vicious battering, consent to gang-raping, consent to no protection.

How bloody dare you be so damned arrogant.

For once speak the truth. You buy a woman or girl to degrade her, to hate her, to rape her, to bash her up, to make into dirt.

You choose to buy a prostitute, because you complete control and power as she is your sexual slave.

Say that, and then I may be able to listen to you.

But don’t talk about consent, and think all your violence will be magic away.

So as a commenter on my blog –  “Men act, women consent”.

Men just don’t rape, and learn to communicate with women and girls.

At least, give it a try.

My Damned Dam Has Broken Again

Posted on by rmott62

I have held on to so much pain all pain all my life.

I have made myself hard and tough to just walk in a straight line. But, always I wanted to have compassion and feel some kind of grief.

Now, it has arrives inside my body, and I am collapsing.

Yesterday I cried most of the day, today I woke into tears.

But when I get grief, I get so sick. I can hardly move with illness.

However sick I am, I always have more poison in me.

So, see me, see the many other women who have exited the sex trade – see with a clear the damage force into them.

See trauma, don’t turn away – have the compassion to know their pain and frustration, and then you can say you are helping.

Listen without turning away.

Listen to the nightmares that are just memories of what they had to survive. Don’t imagine that their nightmares are surreal.

Know that anything remember in a nightmare may be minor to what porn and prostitution has done to their bodies and minds.

After all, once the woman is turned into an object, her abusers can and will everything to harm.

Just believe what appears to be untrue – for one of the ways that evil bastards in the sex trade get away with sexual torture is by doing things that will seemed impossible when spoken of. Great tactic for silencing survivors.

Just believe the women who have the courage to say in words what the sex did to them.

I view my past I can hardly believe – but as I view the worse, I know through sickness, I know as it keeps showing me over and over-  I know that it happened and it damned true.

I know that gang-rape for me wasn’t nothing like any movie I have seen, or any article I have read.

I know it left with no space to breathe, as every hole was conquered. I know there must great pain, but I blanked that out.

And I know as one gang-rape ended, I had no rest as more men carry on carrying on.

Don’t you see that is evil.

My body lives with the damage of violent anal raping every day, it is background noise for that indignity and pain.

I could scream at those men, but I have no idea where or who they were.

But what gives them the right, to anally rape into small heart attacks, anally raped as I lost consciousness. Making me bleeding for several days after.

I hate them – but it like hating a wall, for they will never give a damned.

If you really care about ending the sex trade, then put the voices of exited prostituted women to the fore.

Give them permission to say in their own words. Let it be raw. Let them show their fury. Let them express the depths of their grief. Let them say it is highly complex, and will fit into narrow stereotyping.

This is and will be scary, for it may force to feel the pain, know the degradation. Yes it is hard to listen to and to read.

But, unless you are a survivor of the sex trade, do not think you know what it is to be prostituted or in porn.

Do not compare other abuses until you have heard the differences.

Do not compare rape, until you hear and know of being raped over and over and over and over, until it does not become rape, but just a way of life.

Do not say it likes s/m, when you may think that harmless fun. See that sexual torture in porn and prostitution is real pain, can put real damage into the body and mind. Hell, women gets cancer, life-time of STDs, operations to repair the damage that bastards have done to their bodies. It is no game.

And bloody do not say you understand, when you never listen to a word that survivors say.

I cannot go on, for my damned dam is hurting me so bad.

Things I Write As Listen to The Kinks

Posted on by rmott62

I need loud music that I know by heart to write this post.

I feel that knowing my reality, knowing my reality is a tiny part of millions of girls and women being made sub-human by the sex trade – I feel this knowledge is breaking my heart into a million pieces.

I look back and see forward, and know I have say that the sex trade is evil in an old-fashioned.

I never say evil, I would never use that word lightly.

I say evil is the destruction of another human on every level, just because it done for power or even worse for fun.

The sex trade continually destroys women and girls in this way, and the vast majority of people on the outside walk on by. They say “that’s bad”, but do little or nothing of any practical use to rid the world of the sex trade.

But bloody face the evil, have the guts to confront it.

Face that when you choose to watch porn called “Pain”, “Torture”, “Teen Sex” , that it not acting.

Face the faces of those “actresses” and see their terror and pain. Face that the “teens” may be prostituted and have little or no choice in making porn.

If you I don’t watch porn, but I wouldn’t stop others having that choice.

Would you mind if your friends torture your pet, would you mind if your friends was the boss of a sweat shop, would you mind if your friend rape you or someone else.

I doubt you like that, but reading porn is ok.

Ok to view women and girls being tortured and made to smile. Ok to view degradation to the point that all hope has gone.

Don’t justify porn, and then say you are caring person.

Why am I or any other woman or girl who has extreme trauma and lifetime of pain, meant to always to tolerate your use of porn.

That crap nearly murdered me, it damned well brought me close to suicide.

Your freedom to view porn is killing women and girls.

It does gives women cancer, it does have high rates of HIV and other deeply serious STDs. It does destroy their mental welfare, that does just go away.

It kills through suicide, through “accidents” in making porn that is highly unnatural and life-threatening. And old-fashioned murder happens in porn, coz the actors are throwaways goods.

So use your porn, but know you backing sexual torturing on a mass scale.

If you are ok with that, I bloody give up.

Of course, justifying prostitution may seem more palatable.

After all, as I am continually being told it is harmless, it just society’s prudery that is the problem.

That is true, if you choose to ignore reality.

Say it a choice and ignore the pain and degradation.

Ignore that most women or girls are tricked or forced into prostitution, most have no idea of the violence that is prostitution.

For you it is just sex, what do you mean by sex.

Is sex for you, having scores of men fucking you without words, without foreplay, without affection, without looking at your face.

Is sex for you, having to do whatever the man wants even when it may be life-threatening, it is extremely painful and may leaving permanent damage to your body and mind.

Is sex for you, a place you have to blanked out just in order to get on with your day-to-day life.

If that is your concept of sex, then I suppose prostitution is ok then.

I am amaze that so many people who claim to be anti-capitalism, seemed to no problem with the buying and selling of women and girls for male hard-ons.

Could it be that the closing down of the sex trade, would force these right-on men to face that they part of industry that was built on slavery, torture, fear, degradation and making piles of money.

If that is not capitalism at it’s rawest then what the hell is it.

If you support prostitution, I don’t see why I have to be polite to you.

Say that you want to fuck anonymously and have the freedom to own a woman or girls – just be that honest.

Don’t bloody justify yourself in the language of her choice, that you are not disrespectful, that it not like trafficking or under-aged girls being prostituted.

Don’t speak that crap, and expect me to care.

I mind you know the full life story of every prostitute that you have ever fuck.

You know she was not coerce, lie to, had low self-esteem, know she was nothing but a sex object.

You know she is not controlled by managers or pimps.

You know that she is “enjoying” your amazing sexual prowess. You know by instinct that she is not in pain or feeling terror.

You know all this coz all johns are mind-readers.

Sorry if even pay once for sex you are a john, sorry to upset your fragile feelings.

So you right-on men who fuck prostituted women and girls as an experience, I have no patience with you.

How can I have any sympathy when you are careless that the women you are fucking is happy, or just able to remember how to feel.

But of course she may smile, so that makes it ok then.

I am not sure if this post makes sense, but the Kinks have finish – and I need to watch football and cricket for some degree of sanity.

But, Isn’t It Just Cool

Posted on by rmott62

Sometimes, I think my brain will explode with fury at the million and one excuses that men on the Left make for ignoring the sex trade.

Maybe if I write a few excuses that sickened and place despair into my heart, maybe then I can face men from the Left. Without wanting to scream, without wanting to get a punch-bag with their faces on.

All I know is men from the Left are just johns and pimps, as much as men from the Right or Liberal men.

All men want to continue having a class of women and girls that they can buy and sell to fuck over.

The few men that are fully against the sex trade comes from all political backgrounds.

They just stand out in that are fully prepare to live with male contempt and ridicule, in striving to get women and girls in the sex trade the rights to be fully human.

These men are extremely rare, and all too often it is a disguise so a woman lets her defenses down.

After all, saying you “care” about women having rights, is a damned good way to get laid.

PORN IS HARMLESS, LOOK THEY ENJOY IT

Now that is said with a straight face.

I could say children smile to the camera in sweatshops. Could say music was played in concentration camps. Could say that incest victims adapt to sexual and mental violence.

I could say that, but damned if you would bother to listen.

No, being a “wise” man you feel it your duty to educate how those things are bad and must be ended.

But porn and prostitution are somehow radically different.

After all, in your head no woman (you choose to ignore girls as too uncomfortable) would enter the sex trade/work, unless it was her desire.

You explain slowly how some women just have high sex drive, don’t need relationships – they are less of a prude, you see.

You explain that it not really that bad, any violence is controlled by the women.

Hell, don’t I know that that most users of porn and prostitution are manipulated by women in the the sex trade.  Don’t I know that it the women that have the real power.

I say nothing.

Just swallow my bile.

THE VIOLENCE IS LESS THAN YOU THINK

When you mention violence, you always say over and over and over that violence in the sex trade is never as bad as it seems.

If I may say violence I have known and seen. I get endlessly from men on the Left, oh that’s just your story.

I am told not to manipulate the “facts” with the personal.

Then, I am bombarded with how most johns, sorry men that choose to be with prostitutes, treat them with respect and dignity.

It only weirdos and of course men on the Right that use violence on prostituted women and girls.

Hell, not in my memory, not from the words of women who survived the sex trade all over the world.

Men sexually tortured prostituted women and girls come from the Left.

They go to meetings deploring slavery and torture of “worthy” victims – then switch on torture-rape on the net, or viciously rape an escort.

They join charities to stop child abuse worldwide – then thumb through magazines “Barely Legal”, or go street prostitutes who look young.

They deplore the violence done to animals – but as they rape, batter, tie up, strangle or murder women in the sex trade – they say well she wanted it – see, she was smiling.

Damned it, why should I take men on the Left seriously.

CAN’T GO ON

I thought I could write about this, but it destroys me the betrayal.

I always wanted to fit into the Left.

As I struggle to survive prostitution and porn, I imagine that the Left would care about women like me.

I thought I would be safe with the Left. I was a fool.

I learn t quickly that if any man hears the word “prostitute”, he loses any sensitivity and just thinks in porn.

He may do the romantic “whore” from literature or history written from the point of views of johns and pimps.

In that view, he places me as a powerful woman in control of how she uses sex to control men.

He is not worth talking to, coz he refuses to see any violence or degradation that is the norm of the sex trade.

Or another Left tactic, is how prostitution or porn is just there so that men will not be violent to “normal” women.

In this view, it is fake violence in the sex trade, but it releases the negative energy of men who might rape, batter or murder women.

Can’t I see that porn and prostitution are decreasing male violence.

Not really, it never seemed fake as a I was raped, battered, brought to the edge of death – as I made to be a throwaway human being.

END WORDS

In the end, all I want is that men on the Left are honest.

Say that you say that brothels should continue – coz you want to fuck prostituted women and girls without your flatmate, girlfriend, mother, sister, wife, women that you work with etc, knowing.

Say that you say prostitution and porn is safe and violence-free – coz you want have a world where just by paying a bit of cash gives permission to rape, make women and girls into dirt – and you can say to yourself it was of no importance.

Say how you can disconnect the sex trade from the evils of capitalism. Can’t you not see the utter exploitation that is the sex trade. Do you not care that is make billions and billions of money by making women and girls into disposable goods.

How dare you speak of sweatshops or other forms of exploitative workings conditions, when you allow women and girls in the sex trade to rot.

But worse, you do this coz you are the johns who need the endless supply of women and girls to be made into living porn for your precious orgasm.

And you wonder why I mad at you.

Bloody grow up, and protect women and girls in the sex trade.

I cannot trust the Left till you stop fucking women and girls in the sex trade. I never trust you, as long as your money make the porn industry carry on destroying women and girls lives.

That is the less you can do for women rights.

See What I Can

Posted on by rmott62

Maybe the only to know prostitution is to under the skin of who I had to be in the past. Maybe then, I will know how I survived.

To me, the wondering how come I did not die, that I think I did not lose my mind, eats away at me.

OK, I accept there will never a place where I will totally at peace with “survivor guilt”.

How can I when every day I know women and girls in or out of the sex trade are dying.

They are murdered by johns because they seen as throwaways.

They died “accidentally” as johns strangle, rape, suffocate them just so they get an orgasm.

They kill themselves coz their mind sees the reality.

They die by accident of drink, drugs or just being careless of their safety.

Christ knows why I am alive, and not on a cocktail of drugs.

But, I feel guilty, like my lifestyle now is making the past invisible.

It like I can hardy connect now to then.

Then, I lived in chaos, living by breathing in and out, no more and no less.

Then being fucked, being tortured and being bashed up was what I thought was normal.

Then I thought safety was falling asleep without anyone wanting my body.

Then I accepted the unacceptable without blinking.

There was no bridge between now and then.

To force a change, to force life back into me – I had to completely rewrite my life.

I run away from the town I lived in. I abandoned all the people I had known.

I know to live I must have no connections to mental threads that draw back to the sex trade, back to being a sex object. Back to violent sex being all I knew.

I could not look back, else then I really would die.

So I run hard.

As I was running away, my soul was safe enough to  return to me.

I was terrified, but an inner strength was growing in me.

A strength that once it felt safe enough grow more and more powerful.

I learnt that I was only person who could save myself.

God, things were terrible for several years, but once I choose to transform my life there was no going back.

I was still raped, I was still going with men that I knew hated me and all women, I was still drinking to drown, I was still refusing to sleep, I still got beaten, I still knew sexual torture.

But.

But there was a change in me.

It felt like rape, it felt that I was being harmed, it felt that I wanted to scream no.

It felt like I could not take it anymore.

I was wanting an exit, I just had no idea how get out of the trap that I was, I did not know the world outside of being a sex object.

That I had to force myself to learn.

Learn that I had rights.

Rights to be safe. Right not to be raped or sexually tortured. Right not to murdered.

Rights to dignity. To see a woman, not holes to be fucked.

Rights to think for myself – not have my every move and thoughts fitting into the will of men who only want to damage me.

Hell, those rights are basic – and most people take them for granted.

I had to learn I was worthy to be a full human being.

Who can tell me that the sex trade is harmless, when it took that away from me.

Now, I am in a place where fitted my past with my present is very hard.

It sickened me, as I come to terms, and know it was real.

Now, I live in order and a quiet life.

Now I choose my friends, I choose when I drink, I choose to be celibate.

Now, I am happy with music, TV and going out to restaurants or art galleries.

I don’t want chaos, I don’t that fear back in my life.

But it so strange that I am who I am now, I know it is connected to my past.

But.

But, I want to see the connection clearer.

My Speech

Posted on by rmott62

I am placing this version of the speech I am giving in London in October, if you going to the conference don’t read. This is more for my readers who cannot get to London.

Do say if anything needs to be altered.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH PROSTITUTION?

I was shocked and surprised to be asked to speak by Feminists in London. This was because it is so rare that exited prostituted women are given a voice in the public arena.

I speak as a prostituted woman – not as a sex worker, not as a happy hooker. I will speak of some of my experiences. This is because my reality was not rare, but rather it was a common practice used by the sex trade to control prostituted women and girls.

For you to understand some of the reality of that time, I will need to take you back to who I was then.

I want you to imagine that you were me. Do not think of it happening to someone far away. Do not view the reality with detachment or with pity. No imagine being so dead inside, that you no longer care what happens to your own body.

Know that, and you begin to know what is wrong with prostitution.

Imagine being 14-years-old. Not a happy 14-year-old, no she was dead long before she ever enter the sex trade. Imagine her standing in a queue waiting to enter a club. Not a normal teenage club, no a club that after midnight lets in under-aged girls for free. Not a normal club, no a club where the men are ten, twenty and thirty years older than the girls, they sit separate and just stare at the girls. Not a normal club, as the girls sit at the bar, not being allowed to talk or move.

Imagine that you are there. Tell me you would not block out reality. That you would refuse to see that you are being prostituted. No, you were young, you do not see beyond the free drinks. You learn to pretend that it is sophisticated.

Only let’s look at who those men really were. Let’s see what the club was catering for.

To see that, I must take you back to my very first night, and who I was then. It was one night in 13 years of prostitution. Years where all the violence folded into one mass. There are no soft words for that time, all I do is to take you there.

To know that time, you must know what it is to live inside a body that does not belong to you. Even before you were prostituted, you had been mentally and sexually abused in your own home. You had learnt that your body belonged to others – others who treated your body as their personal sex-toy. Know that having feelings was a luxury that you could imagine. All that was before you were prostituted. Then you have become the type of girl that the sex trade wants. For then you will be easy to brainwash and manipulate.

To know prostitution, you must enter some very dark places. On that first night, I was gang-raped. That was the test to see if I was suitable material for prostitution. When I say I was gang-raped, it was many gang-rapes over several hours.

Imagine queues of men raping you everywhere, inside every hole in your body. Imagine that it seems endless. Imagine that you go in and out of consciousness.

Then imagine that you do not, cannot care. Haven’t you learnt long ago that your body is there to be damaged. That you have no right to say no. That your purpose is to service men in any and every way that they can think of.

That is what is wrong with prostitution.

Prostitution is where men perform their porn fantasies on real women and girls. In my life, my body was forced into whatever was fashionable in porn. I knew “Deep Throat” without seeing one clip. I knew it as I was chocked, I knew it as i was made sick, I knew it as I lost consciousness. I knew it as johns forced their penises to the back of my throat.

Anal sex is a constant in porn. Johns love it as it is unnecessary, and often causes the woman or girl a great deal of pain.

Imagine being forced against a wall, legs together, hand to your throat – then you are anally raped. That is the kind of thing that many johns think they have the right to do.

That is what is wrong with prostitution.

Johns know that they can do any violence to prostituted women and girls, knowing that the majority of our society will refuse to care.

After all, it cannot be rape when the man has paid for it. I would love to say that this view just comes from the users and producers of the sex trade. No, it is a common view of the Left and far too many feminists. This excuse makes any and all violence done to prostituted women and girls invisible, or of little importance.

It is so much easier to speak of happy hookers or sex workers. Speak of women who appear in charge of their own working environment. Do not speak of the reality that the vast majority of prostituted women and girls are trapped inside the sex trade.

By refusing to view the constant violence that is prostitution, feminists and the Left are betraying a whole mass of women and girls.

As an exited prostituted woman, I have felt incredibly let down feminists choosing to ignore the mental, physical and sexual torture that is prostitution. Instead, too many will believe the illusion spoken by sex workers of making the working environment safer and forming unions. There is no speech of basic human rights. All speak of abolition as a long- term plan is blocked out.

That is an abandonment of prostituted women and girls.

If feminism is serious about tackling male violence, it must listen and hear the voices of exited prostituted women. Do not speak over their voices. Do not tell them that they are misguided about their own realities. No, learn to listen with an open mind.

After all, these are women who have lived with rape on an industrial scale. They know of sexual torture, they know the lies that men tell to make their violence invisible. They know what it is to live with violence so long that they can no longer feel.

Prostituted women and girls are on the coal-face of male violence.

That is what wrong with prostitution.

Night Time

Posted on by rmott62

Last night was a very bad night.

I nearly went back to the deadness of looking for sex by being picked up by some bastard.

I wanted that deadness.

I didn’t want the grief that so strong for my Dad and stepmum.

I did not want the constant body memories in my anus, my stomach, my throat and my head.

I did not want the exhaustion and heat of menopause.

I was terrified of my own writing.

I wanted to not feel, not to think and not to be.

So I got dressed and wander the streets.

But not the streets of the crowded city, but the abandoned streets.

I choose industrial sites, walking by parks not even visited much in the day.

I knew these streets were dangerous. I knew these streets were where street prostitutes were forced into.

I was purposely putting myself into danger.

But there was another part of me that was protecting myself.

I was wearing trousers and a t-shirt, not the “sexy” clothes that would give men the stereotype view of a prostitute.

I did not stop still, but keep walking, maybe aiming for street without traffic or street lighting or pedestrians – but I just walked.

Only later, I found myself back in the crowds and in lights.

I found that I outside a hotel, where I had been prostituted in the past. By men who “pretended” I was their guest, only to shove me out round 3 in the morning – into the snide remarks of the night staff.

I stood outside that hotel for an hour last night.

I don’t what I thought was going to happen. Maybe I thought a man would pick me up.

Nothing happened. It would not of, it was too crowded and public for most johns.

Johns love the concept of privacy for themselves. They are such bloody hypocrites – they can do what they like, as long as no-one knows.

They don’t give a shit about the woman’s privacy.

Sorry, I get angry sometimes, and derail.

Well, I was safe last night – nothing really happened.

Only again I saw how close prostitution is to self-harming.