Monthly Archives: September 2012

Trafficking and Me

Posted on by rmott62

I have thrown backward by the ignorance about internal trafficking, and in this post I thought I would my personal views and experiences, and hope that they connect with the general realities of internal trafficking.

It must be known that internal trafficking is one of the common method to get women and girls trapped in all aspects of the sex trade.

It be known the main focus of those who profit from internal trafficking is trapped young teenage girls or too often pre-teens girls.

It must be known that there is a vast market for young girls in all aspects of the sex trade.

It must be known that there many myths that a prostitution whatever her age has chosen her lifestyle and therefore she can never ever be abused, let alone raped, tortured and mentally abuse.

It is in that context that I write of my personal experiences of internal trafficking – which for most of my life had no language to explain it, or framework to show my pain and confusion to the world.

Internal trafficking is common is every country where the sex trade thrives – but it is made invisible, and most women and girls inside that hell have little or no language to describe their realities.

Internal trafficking has this power and control because it relies on the mental abuse of the prostituted class.

It relies on brainwashing to such a high degree that most of the prostituted will think that there only role in life is to be fucked and thrown away.

It relies on brainwashing so intense that most of the prostituted think they have chosen their life, that it just weakness or misreading of the punters that make it painful or almost impossible to bear.

To work, internal trafficking must make the prostitute woman or girl believe she is loved or at least care for. That she has finally found a family, and does not need or want the outside world.

That is why internal trafficking is very common with girls between 12-15, ages that are discovering how to make relationships, ages that girls want and need to rebel, ages where men can manipulate by pretending they are lovers whilst being pimps or go-betweens for pimps.

I was 14 when I was trapped, I was old compare to so many girls who destroyed by the sex trade.

I did not know what real love was, I had no idea how to form normal and healthy relationships, I had anger in me that was becoming constant self-harming, I refuse to see myself as a child.

I was prefect fodder for internal trafficking – they look for lost girls who act grown up but has little or no understanding of how to relate to others, and especially girls who are desperate to be loved.

These types of girls are manipulated with patience, the danger closing in whilst being told that she freely choosing it, that she could leave if she likes as all doors closed in on her, that she will do more to prove how much she love the man who is pimping her out.

There can and is constant threats and actual violence to keeps the girls in-line.

It is normal to use gang-rapes as punishment, it is common to move the prostitute to more and more sadistic punters in places where she has no idea where she is, it is common to film punters doing sadistic and use that film as a mental threat to expose her or to make as porn.

It is normal for pimps and their friends to threaten the girls that if the complain or want to tell the authorities that they hurt or kill their families, it is common to more the girls around the country so she loses all contact with friends or family.

Internal trafficking is to be in hell – but how many see or care that it exits.

Instead it made invisible by stating that any woman or girl inside the sex trade has chosen her lifestyle, and we must not intervene or destroy her autonomy.

Such nonsense has all sex trade profiteers laughing their way to the bank, such nonsense reminds punters that all their sadism is a non-crime – and such nonsense is part of the constant genocide of the prostituted class.

Turn a blind eye to internal trafficking – and you are complicit in that genocide.

The Void That Suffocates

Posted on by rmott62

I wish to try to write into the middle of my trauma, I do not know if I do it, but this post will try to flow into that space.

The centre of my trauma is a void.

The void of not remembering, not knowing my years of prostitution, not remembering feelings, not seeing faces or places, not recording how my body was tortured.

The void is like a rat in my brain wanting and needing to remembering – but knowing to remember each and punter who torture me, to remember each and every part of my body and mind that was polluted with their hate and violence, to remember each and every place I was made into trash – to remember my full past would kill me.

Trauma is that fight – the fight for truth, the fight for justice, the fight to fill in gaps, the fight to know I can be human.

Of course, there is loads more to trauma for all exited women – but for me, that terrible void is the gnawing that will never go away.

I can see my stepdad and in my head I can hate him for sexually and mentally me.

I can see all the men who said they were my friend, then rape me.

I see those men, seeing them I can imagine justice, seeing them I can punish them in my mind.

I know them – I know their names, I see their betrayal, I know how they pre-planned breaking me down.

Knowing them I have permission to hate them.

Hate each and every words they spoke to make me trust them, hate each and every way they abuse my mind and body, hate each and every they said to justify their actions.

These men are solid.

There is no such solidness when remembering prostitution.

It is a haze, it is remembered in gaps and silences, most will never be remembered.

But not remembering means there can never be true justice for the prostituted – for most punters and profiteers are made into a haze or just a general violent man.

My trauma goes directly into that void – all that is left is my silent screaming.

I have no idea how many punters brought me, no idea how often I was raped, no idea how often the sexual torturing made me lose consciousness, no idea how often they force me to say I enjoy whilst I knew I was dying, no idea often how I was thrown away like trash.

I have no idea how many the places this all happened, no idea how often I knew no-one cared as I tortured in a hotels, no idea how often people turned a blind eye as I was raped behind pubs or inside their toilets, no idea how often I acted normal as in flats I was gang-raped or many hours.

I have no idea how many profiteers were making me their goods, no idea how often I exchanged from place to place, no idea how often I was sold to sadistic punters for greater profit, no idea how often what for appeared to be chaos was highly organised.

That is the void I live with.

I believe that void make trauma seemed endless – it fades, I have learnt many ways to deal with it  – but the void destroys access to full justice, and without justice how can trauma disappear.

I know in my heart of heart, that I have remember enough to believe myself, to believe it was torture, to know it was multiple rapes, to know I was made sub-human – that to know that is enough, but still the gnawing continues.

I have no answers here, only say as it is – and to thanks all that stand by and exited women as we are.

The Silver Quill Bloggers Award

Posted on by rmott62

I have been nominated for this award by my friend Ruth Jacobs, who does the Soul Destruction Blog.

1. Do you prefer rhyming or non-rhyming poetry?

I prefer non-rhyming poetry coz it more wide-ranging and can be poetical prose.

2. What’s your favourite Shakespeare play?

Measure for Measure, for it has no answers, and the characters are both good and bad.

3. Who is your favourite author?

I read too much, but this moment in time Patricia Highsmith, who makes the dark side of humans fantasying and very attractive.

4. Name three people who you greatly admire?

Natasha Falle – who as an exited woman does amazing work to give hope, routes back to full humanity, and joy to so many women and girls from the sex trade. She is a great educator, and her compassionate heart has help me more than I can truly express.

Sarah Warhol – who truly understand the complexities and confusion of trauma after exiting the sex trade, she is a wonderful friend, and has done the impossible made me support Liverpool Football Club a bit.

Margaret “Tots” Berger Mott – my grandmother from Denver, who is my rock when I feel like giving up.

Five Bloggers I have Nominated

1. Chong Kim –  Face of Tears – a beautiful and moving blog by a very courageous exited woman.

2. Angel K. – Surviving Prostitution and Addiction – this blog inspires me every day.

3. Dublin Call Girl – Secret Diary of a Dublin Call Girl – another brilliant exited woman.

4. Trisha Baptie – Donuts Douchebags and the Divine – Trisha is truly inspirational and is also an exited woman.

5. Meghan Murphy – Feminist Current – my favourite feminist blog.

 

September Speech

Posted on by rmott62

FOREWORD

I give this speech to a radical conference in Glasgow.

After speaking it, I crashed very hard. I realise I had been ignoring or coping with trauma for a year.

I had been ill, but learnt to ignore that. I had flashbacks, but learnt to put them in boxes. I had been full of extreme grief, but did not know what to do with it.

After speaking this speech, I spoke for days to good friends, but it still crashed into me.

This is why I have been unable to write – I cannot think without wanting to cry, to die, to run away – so I have made my mind dead.

THE SPEECH

It is amazing to be in Glasgow, and to be in a vibrant radical feminist environment.

This is so rare these days, for we are so often suffocated by the views of liberal feminists. This has had a very damaging effect on how, when and if exited women can get permission to speak to feminists about abolition.

We are now in an environment, where so-called feminism is claiming that the real issue when dealing with the sex trade is only about the individual choices of prostituted women. In that environment, it becomes logical to speak of sex work, and to think that prostitution can be safe enough to continue as normal.

Liberal feminists are terrified to appear judgmental – in doing that, they avoid looking clearly at the regular hate and degradation that is the sex work – and look instead for the mythical Happy Hooker.

It is vital for radical feminists to raise above this language and attitude.

A first and powerful step towards abolition is to fully back the Nordic Approach. This will help to give back to the prostituted class their dignity and full humanity.

It is wonderful that the Scottish Parliament is having a consultation paper to debate the possibility of having a version of the Nordic Approach into Scottish law.

There is an important thing I need to say, that comes from my heart, and from many exited women who are in contact with me and know that I spend a deal of time with radical feminists.

I would like that radical feminists to be aware that their movement has and always had many exited women inside it. But the vast majority of exited women who have become radical feminists would never want to be known that they had been in the sex trade.

This is not from shame or self-hate – but from feeling and knowing that much of the language and actions of some radical feminists keeps the prostituted class as sub-humans.

This happens when some radical feminists refuse to allow that exited women can have a separate voice or voices, or translate our words to fit their concepts.

I believe this comes from the fear of knowing that trauma for exited women is not about the individual.

No, for exited women our trauma is from being connected to all the prostituted, whether they are living or dead.

We are connected to all the prostituted, whether they are from our country or countries we have never been to.

We are connected to the prostituted, whether from our time or from the time when the first man found he could barter to have consequence-free rape.

We live with all this trauma inside of us. There is no easy fix for our trauma.

I understand that be hard for radical feminists to handle. You may want to put all our pain, our grief, our anger and our confusion into a neat and tidy box. To make our trauma vanish.

But to truly understand the politics of exited women, you must look directly into our trauma.

To do that, you must listen and hear the multiple voices of exited women. We must be the leaders in the movement to abolition.

We are leaders – it would give us back our humanity if radical feminists respected that.

A Message

Posted on by rmott62

I often asked what can be done to help exited women. I do not have answers, I am not that wise, I cannot and would not speak for the multiple needs and wants of exited women – but through experience good and bad, I may have some tips.

My major tip is to learn to listen very hard to our words and the language we choose to form those words.

I know that many reading this will think and say, of course I listen to exited women. But how do you listen?

Do you listen by framing it into your way of thinking.

Do make it into a continuum of male violence to suit your feminist outlook?

Do you say it mainly because of female poverty to suit your Marxist views?

Do you say it can be chosen, so who am I to judge, to suit your liberal opinions?

Do you say it is bad when “real” trafficking, when the prostitute is a child, or you can framed as forced prostitution to suit your turning your back on the suffering of far too many of the prostituted?

Do you really hear when you listen to the words of exited women?

Do you hear that the sex trade will trawl for women and girls from all backgrounds, all ages, all cultures, all races, all classes and on and on and on to make a profit and fulfill the demand of punters for variety and making sure the men don’t get bored, and will come back for more.

Do you hear that there is no safe place for the prostituted, there is no type of prostitution that can be made safe – how can there be when the purpose of prostitution is supply punters with access to a class of women and girls they can rape, sexually torture, mentally abuse and kill without consequences or censure from society.

Do you hear it is not just lots of rapes, it is not just being the way of multiple beatings, it is not just that prostituted women and girls are murdered on a scale that it off the wall – it is that is the norm for the prostituted, that to be in the way of extreme sexual violence is the role given to the prostituted class.

Listen and hear that the prostituted are made nothing when they are alive, and if they are murdered they are thrown away.

There are no real statistics for the multiple murders of the prostituted – for there is no interest in the media unless it has the sensation of being a serial killer or if the prostitute is connected to some famous man/men; there is no record for most murders are made hidden by sex trade profiteers, they hide the bodies or in reality for them it throwing of the trash.

So when you read or make statistics of females murdered by males, know inside your hearts and minds that the many murdered prostituted women and girls who are not on your information.

Hold them tight, prayer if you believe, make them part of your daily battle for full rights for all women and girls.

This can only done if you allow truly into your hearts and minds that the prostituted class are fully human.

Now there is the rub – there is the elephant in the room.

That the main reason that our words are never allowed to belong to the prostituted – is because too many who claimed to hear us view us as sub-humans.

The violence done to us, the constant genocide that is our norm is made invisible for we are viewed as non-humans who do feel or to know human pain, do not have access to human emotions of guilt or anger, do not get human fear.

The prostituted are made the Other – an object that is only purpose is divert male violence as much as possible from the public gaze; an object where all tortures can be practice on; an object that can made for all punters to wank into and throw away.

The prostituted are not allowed to express in their own words what it is to be that object – for objects have no voice, have no rights and most important are of no importance.

The only way to help exited women is to look within yourself and find where and when you keep the prostituted as sub-humans.

Listen and hear if exited women have the courage to say your attitudes are keeping us in the position of the sub-human. Don’t say not me, just listen hard.

That is my tip.

Despair Hits My Heart

Posted on by rmott62

I have been coming back into life – I know this is good. But this post is about my confusion, my grief and my despair that I still do not understand what it is to be alive – beyond being a role.

I will write in the back parts of my mind, I will try to drag out the stuff that scares me, that blocks me, that still make wonder if I am still nothing but an object finding how to please others.

I don’t know how to be human, that it not some philosophical statement, not said for pity or sympathy – it is said because the sex trade made me into a sub-human, into nothing but consumable goods.

I can copy humans and find how to fit in with humans – but underneath, hidden from view, is a deep emptiness.

I am like a machine waiting for instructions, I am off when alone – when not working or talking.

I need an audience to end my deadness.

I am learning I do not have to please.

Have to please to still safe.

Have to please to avoid danger.

Have to please to be seen.

Have to please to stay invisible.

Have to please by speaking to their language.

Have to please by inventing truths about myself.

The role of the prostitute is to please without thought, to please without emotions, to please without knowing a past, to please without having pain.

The prostitute is never real as a human, she can never have the right to feel, to have dreams, to know a past or have a future.

The things that make a human a human are stolen from the prostituted.

How do I survive without a despair that seems to never end?

How can you remain human when you are sexually tortured so many times it is your routine?

How do you remain human when every women-hating word, concepts and ideals are placed under your skin until you lose what or who you are?

I was whore, I was slut, I was cunt, I was manipulator of men, I was happy hooker, I was pretend girlfriend, I was escort, I was bitch, I was preventing real rapes to real women, I was lover of degradation, I was made with no pain threshold, I had a heart of gold, I do anything for money, I could be killed coz I was nothing alive.

I was made all that and more – but I was never allowed to be human.

I cry beyond despair as the language about the prostituted in nearly every contexts keeps the prostituted as sub-humans.

But to become truly human, I know many exited have to face and know the depths of what they were made – more than what was done to them – what they made by society and the sex trade taking away their access to their own humanity.

Of course, we were made dead by the thousands of rapes, batterings, sexual torturing and closeness of a violent death.

But what made us dead, was the constant remainders it was more than the sex trade destroying us – it was being surrounded by too much of society not caring what happens to the prostituted.

It must know and face that we live with the knowledge to be prostituted is to be nothing in life, and thrown away in death.

We live in a world that would avoid prostitution unless it thrown into their faces –  and then make excuses for its existence.

Excuses excuses.

It is the oldest profession, it always been with us, it just part of male nature, it is too big to confront.

Excuses excuses.

No woman would do it unless she enjoys, it pays better than McDonald’s, it a nasty job but someone has to do it.

Excuses excuses.

I wouldn’t judge someone’s choices, some women have high libidos, it can be safe enough, it is ok if kept firmly closed behind doors.

Society refuses to know what it is to be prostituted.

As they refuse to know, to see, to hear, and to feel the realities of the prostituted – we are being routinely raped, battered, sexually tortured and murdered.

The prostituted are in conditions of slavery, and are being wiped from this planet.

We live in a world that call it adult entertainment or a business exchange.

How can I not despair?