I think I was internally trafficked.

Only I have not got the words to fit what happened to me, just the confusion, just the grief – and just the memories of no hope.

I know I was under-aged, I know I had too much violent sex with nameless faceless men, and I know money was being made off me.

But no-one give me words.

No-one said prostitution, no-one said I was trapped, no-one spoke to my reality.

Mostly there was no words – rape in silence, near-death in silence, and getting thrown away in silence.

Words meant nothing – except to please some punter, to pretend I felt nothing, to say the language of toughness.

Words could not express how broken I was, and how each punters smashed me into a million pieces.

What language fits that?

I write this from the centre of my grief for my teenage soul – I write this for all the lost girls who are internally trafficked.

I know how it feels to want to believe that you are loved by men who only used as trash, men who see money but never that you are human.

I know being that lost and that desperate just for human touch, for small moments of kindness.

I was that teenager who accepted gifts, only listen to flattery – giving out sex to sadist men was blocked out.

I was that teenager that was ignored, ridiculed or made invisible when turning for help – so I fall back into silence and return to the only world I knew.

I was that teenager who was hard and swore at anyone who appear too normal – I refuse to hear or know the crying hurting teenage soul wanting everything to end.

I was that teenager who became unrapeable – what words are there for that?

I was that girl who was gang-raped and no-one intervened.

I was that girl who was moved from city to city – call an escort, named as girlfriend material, inside clubs that never mentioned prostitution.

I was that girl who punter paid to imagine incest-porn on, to do extreme sadist sex on – to be throwaway so all damage is of no importance.

I was that girl who cannot be human – I was a sex robot, I was invisible, I was the living dead, I was nothing.

I was that girl you refuse to know or open your heart to – the girl who must have built her own coffin.

There are no words for being that girl.

Only a grief that only can mend if no other girl has to live that living death.

After my last post, I thought I would some of what the punters who used me demanded or expected.

The important reason I have decided to do this – is because in the world of the sex trade there is nothing unusual or in particular horrific about happened to me.

In many ways, I was one of the lucky prostitute – I was never pimped out, I was not locked inside a brothel, I did not work on the streets, and I was not murdered or committed suicide.

I was also lucky – because I am a white Northern European, I come from an upper-middle class background, I had a mind that could fast into other places.

I always know far too many of the prostituted class are and were in far worse conditions than I was.

I believe I became a blogger because I wanted to part of freeing all the prostituted, not to tell my individual past.

But, I will use my past as an example – for in many I fitted the framing of the prostitute who “choose” her lifestyle.

After all, I would have screamed at you that I was fine, would have yelled out how great it to use men, would have put the costume of the Happy Hooker.

I would do that and too many of you would not bother to see behind my facade.

What do see when you decide to make a prostitute into a Happy Hooker?

Do you choose to forget that the vast majority of the prostituted enter when they were under-aged?

Do write out all previous sexual, mental or physical done to the prostitute before you meet her?

Do you not think of what it like to be sex-toy to endless punters who can whatever they want?

Or by deciding to only see the face-value of your Happy Hooker, do you decide she can have no past, decide her future is unimportant – for to have your Happy Hooker, you have made her sub-human.

I would say I was fine – but that was the only language that I knew.

I spoke directly into the language of punters and sex trade profiteers – my authentic words were closed away from me.

But, the point of this point, the purpose of prostitution – is that it does not matter whether I choose to be a prostitute or not, it does not matter whether I thought I was in control or not, and it does not matter whether it decided I was in a safe aspect of the sex trade or not.

All of that is of no relevant when a punter brought or owned me – for no punter care why a prostitute is a prostitute, only that she fulfilled his porn-dreams.

Punters are buying goods, and believe they should get their money worth, that is all they really care about.

Don’t fool yourself there is some kind of emotional connection between the punter and the prostitute.

Don’t imagine that punters coincidentally harm the prostitute – know punters pre-plan their sex acts and will often give the prostitute no choice even as she in danger or deeply degraded.

I when was prostituted did not know the language of no, had no access to the meaning of consent – for in my heart I knew I was not human enough to have safety or to be rapable.

That is the dark heart of who punters are, whether they are gentle or sadist, whether they talk too much or join in with silent gang-raping, whether they considered themselves the good guys or enjoy slow torturing of whores – all know it is impossible to rape a prostitute or do any real harm to her.

Punters know he is doing nothing to nothing.

That is why most of the punters who torture me usually over many hours – could just finish, get dressed and walk into the “real” world looking as if nothing of any importance had happened.

For nothing of importance had happened – they had just consumed goods and now they can be invisible.

I lost memory of how many times I was made unconscious because of the sadism of punters – all I remember is their anger that I was “sleeping” on the job.

I know punters enjoy forcing fear into the prostituted, it is a game to them.

The game is made because most prostitutes survive by blocking off all emotions, by being as dead as possible.

So punters want fear coz it is a forced emotion, it makes the prostitute vulnerable, it makes her feels she has betrayed herself by showing she is alive.

It is the same with orgasms, punters pushed and pushed the prostitute to collapse in real orgasms, knowing it betrayal she hates.

Luckily, orgasms are easy to fake, and most punters are so egotistical that they can be fooled they are sex gods, and given her multiple orgasms – fake orgasms can make quicker and less painful on occasions.

The thing that sickened me about most punters that buy escorts or other forms of indoors prostitution – is how much ego those men have.

They want to believe they are “special” to the prostitute, that their sexual demands are unique or somehow exotic, that the prostitutes respects him.

Many punters were disgusted there was outward signs that other men had used me – even those they had made the conscious choice to buy a prostitute.

Many punters, especially when I looked like to imagine they were breaking me in – it was a huge turn-on.

I could act the “innocent” whore, coz it made slightly more money – but I can never repair the damage it did to my psyche.

The most important to know about doing indoors prostitution is it mostly an environment where the prostitute has no control or power.

Each time you are alone with a punter or punters, it is always the chooses of those men that will lead how the prostitute is treated.

The punter can do whatever he wants to the prostitute behind firmly closed doors – there is no interference or care if harm is done to the prostitute.

This would be called slavery if it was not inside the sex trade.

Please focus on the punters – stop protecting them.

Dedicated to Nia Thomas

Punters feel and know that they have almost complete freedom to send the prostituted class into hell.

This is because far too people make the choice to ignore, say it is not important compare to real violence happening to real women, or shut their minds to how punters constantly treat the prostituted.

One way to make the punters invisible and of little importance, is to re-brand prostitution as sex work.

Call it sex work, and everything that happens to the prostitute must be because she has chosen that lifestyle.

Call it sex work, and you can imagine it some kind of mutual business exchange between two equal adult – one the consumer, the other the willing giver.

Call it sex work – and then on and on and on about how someone has to do it, it might dirty and dangerous – but at least it not working in a mine, being a fast-food worker, being in a sweat-shop, being in a supermarket.

Call it sex work – then say if in doubt that all work is slavery.

And by calling it sex work you doing the work of the sex trade profiteers – you are making all the conscious violence of the punters invisible and also saying it just part of the job.

Well, let’s look at some of the violence that my mind and remembers.

I use myself as an example of how the vast majority of the prostituted are treated by punters.

I want to put it into some kind of context.

I was mostly an indoors prostitution, I mainly did legitimate so-called safe prostitution in flats, clubs and hotels. I was an escort, in brothels and did girlfriend experience.

This was view by the outside as the high-class nice aspects of prostitution – for the outside world has brought the propaganda of the sex trade profiteers and the lies that punters may say.

Violence was my norm.

I cannot understand why anyone is surprised that violence was my norm – I just wonder what the heck do you think punters are making the choice to buy a prostitute for?

Do you really think they just lonely, sad, unable to get “normal” sex men?

Do you really think that punters want a relationship, counselling, friendship or mothering from the prostitute?

Do really think they just want missionary sex maybe with a blowjob?

Do you really think punters give a damn if the prostitute is under-aged, beaten up, laying as if she is dead?

If you think any or all of that, you are kidding yourself, and letting the punters off the hook – you are part of the genocide of the prostituted class.

Punters make the choice to buy the prostituted, for one major reason.

To have complete and utter control over the prostituted, knowing she has no rights to say no.

To do this the punter will view the prostitute as sub-human, well not human in any way.

The prostitute is throwaway goods, she is trash, she has no human feelings.

This makes the punters know and believe that he can never truly harm or damage the prostitute – she is nothing, so nothing has happened to nothing.

That is the reality of how punters view the prostitute – there are no Richard Geres, no Happy Hookers, no fairy tales endings – just simple hate and degradation poured into the minds and bodies of the prostituted by endless punters.

Think of all tortures you knowledge of, think into the darkest parts of porn, think into violence that makes your mind want to run.

That is the norm for the vast majority of the prostituted – and it done to them by very ordinary men who fade into the background, often outside of the sex trade are likable men.

It is common in prostitution for punters to play with choosing whether to kill the prostitute or not.

This is no game, when the average prostitute is 18 times more likely to be murdered than any other woman or girl.

Everyday, prostitutes die from the selfishness of punters getting turn on by snuffing her out.

Prostitutes are murdered so often it not considered worth reporting – she just disappear, for she was nothing in life, so why care if she is murdered.

I do not know of any exited woman who does live the pain, guilt and grief of knowing she survived when so many did not – we often closed down for the pain is too great.

I was strangled often; I was raped whilst being drown; I had oral rape so deep that remembering to breathe was impossible.

I was surrounded by punters speaking to my murder.

Saying how no-one would miss a dead whore; saying that they would chop me up and bury all over; saying it is best to dump my body in a river, rubbish tip or by a road – it was all I was worth.

This was a huge joke to punters, watching out for my fear, laughing if I wet myself, and telling me I had no sense of humour.

I know now there is nothing unique about these life and death games I survived – it was very normal behaviour from punters, from punters who others would not consider sadists but just very ordinary men.

For most of the sadism done to the prostituted does not spread outside into the “real” world, the violence is reserved for the prostituted, and then the punters just get with their everyday lives as if nothing has happened.

For in the minds of punters, nothing has happened to nothing.

I cannot say how often punters would say they would do what  they want to the prostitute, but never to real women and girls.

Most would disgusted to be label as a rapist – let alone a torturer and a sadist.

Most punters who make the choice to buy an under-aged prostitute will say to her how vile child sexual violence is – as he ripped away her right to be a child.

I was raped as an under-aged prostitute by punters who would speak of hanging any child rapist.

The worse thing of being a prostitute is knowing that punters will be turned on however you are or what conditions you are in.

One thing that is hard to forget or come to terms with  – is how often punters will continue fucking even when the prostitute is not moving, is in obvious pain, is crying, may go unconscious or is physically sick.

Punters don’t care – you are fooling yourself if you think they do.

The myth of the caring punters is keeping the prostituted enslaved.

Punters don’t care if the prostitute is trafficked, don’t care if she was abuse as child, don’t care if she is covered with injuries.

They just care that they get their money worth.

I know how little punters care.

I know as I have memories of being fucked into unconsciousness especially by forced oral sex making stop breathing.

I know as I lived through too gang rapes with no care whether I lived or died.

Don’t tell that some punters have a heart.

If a man has a heart – it would even occurred to him to buy a prostitute, and he would part of the abolition movement.

I will stop now – it so exhausting writing of punters.

Please put a bright light on all punters – then we can build a world to give all the prostituted true justice and humanity.