Monthly Archives: June 2013

Cry, Cry, Cry

Posted on by rmott62

I have not been able to write, and I not sure if I can write now.

I will to the grief that is blocking me and see where it takes me – I will write closing my need want order.

For to be prostituted is to know chaos without end, a chaos that as an exited woman I spent every day attempting to hide – to hide from my own essence.

I lived in chaos, chaos ruled as struggle to want to live as a prostitute.

Always with this blog, with my speaking and with deep friendships – I attempt to make order out of that chaos.

But always, there is a crying – a silent endless crying saying that order is pushing out too parts of my prostituted essence.

I still run away from my essence – I still cannot gaze down into my own void.

I have to stop enough to know grief – which is why I had to stop or slow down my writing.

I may never truly know tears, may never sob – but I will know and touch, even hold grief.

I will grieve what I lost, I will grieve what was stolen from me, I will grieve my confusion, I will grieve my pain, and I grieve my grief.

I will grieve for in grieving and I becoming a full human.

I can say with my warrior-spirit that the truly strong are those who stare into their pasts and know it in the round.

The truly strong know that being vulnerable is to be fully human.

The truly strong can stop fighting and try to grieve why they have to fight.

My warrior-spirit sees and knows how my childhood, my adolescence and young adulthood was stolen from – and weeps in pain that it was impossible to replace.

I cannot know how it was to be a child with wonder, I cannot be that teenager who learns from her own mistakes – I had idea how to be that, though I try to copy others round me.

I grieve that joy was stolen far too young.

I grieve that too young eyes and ears knew porn, knew sex was pain, knew sex would kill if you did not stay silent and still.

I grieve how early I learnt to hate those who were meant to be the ones I loved.

God, I grieve for my child who try so hard to make order in a world where she had no power.

I grieve how she learnt too young to close down visual memory, close down thoughts of another world without abuse, close down hope.

I grieve how early she was able never to cry, never to show pain, never to be fully alive.

I grieve that she so soon decided death was her only real friend.

That is no childhood.

But mostly all my deep grief is for my prostituted soul – I cry for her as others make her invisible.

There is no end to the sorrow I have not just for my personal experiences of prostitution – but my sorrow cannot end till all the prostituted are made free.

For to understand what it was and is to be prostituted is to know all the prostituted are interconnected, and that all the violence done to the prostituted is never personal.

Nothing personal when to be a prostitute is to be made goods, to lose what it is to be human, to be made nothing.

That is a grief that most will refuse to know.

To punters and sex trade profiteers – all the prostituted are interchangeable.

They do not see the human with dreams, with a childhood or a future, with ideas outside the moment they are being consumed.

To be a prostitute, is to not exist except as the porn-dreams of those who want make you dirt.

That is a part of the grief without end.

I knew I had no existence to punters – only the existence of their anger, their sense of shame, their need to control, their desperation to prove they were a man.

I had no existence as they ignored or enjoyed my pain.

I had no existence as they wanted me to be young, place themselves as my conquerors taking my innocence.

I had no existence as they experimented on my body sadist sex, or gang-rapes – on occasions my only link to some existence was the film they had of my slow death.

My existence was drowned in drink, was covered by toughness, was destroyed by refusing to sleep.

I could not exist for to exist was to know and feel I was living inside torture.

That is what it is to be prostituted.

That is our deep grief, or a very small part of it.

That is why we fight for abolition – for justice is the only true cure for such grief.

There are No Richard Geres

Posted on by rmott62

I want to write to the myth of the Good Punter.

This myth is daily destroying the prostitute, this myth is daily allowing sex trade profiteers to carry business as normal.

It is the fundamental myth that allows outsiders to walk on by as the prostituted are being tortured every moment of every day in every continent.

The concept of the Good Punter is used everywhere to silenced the prostituted speaking to their hells.

If you have a heart, if you use your logical mind, if you stop long enough to truly hear exited women – then you would know it is impossible for the Good Punter to exist.

It is not possible to be classed as good if you make it your entitlement to buy another human for sexual wants.

It is not possible to be classed as good if you make the choice to use your money or exchanging goods to say the prostitute has no right to say no.

The belief in the Good Punter is always interlinked with the myth that the purchase of the prostituted is the purchase of consent.

That is why many exited women would state loud and clear that to buy a prostitute is to buy to rape.

For if you make a system of prostitution where the purpose is to erode all human rights from the prostituted – then you are making all prostitution in rape and a perfect environment for sexual torturing.

In that environment, there is no such thing as the Good Punter – only that some rapists are quicker, more gentle or just messing with the prostitute’s mind.

The so-called Good Punter still owns and will control the prostitute.

The so-called Good Punter can and will be violent at any time or any place to any prostitute, and still claim to be a good man.

The Good Punter has blood on his hands, the Good Punter is hidden in plain sight.

Because most punters get away with hate and violence – it appears that we have decided most punters must fit the role of the Good Punter, or just it a rite of passage.

Look how we ignore the hoards of punters.

I can see just in the small space of the city I live in the slow deaths of the prostituted.

I know the marginalised prostituted who have no choice but be on the streets in some industrial estate.

I see how the punters are allowed to cruise and hunt down these prostitutes, how they pay pathetic amounts of money to humiliate and slowly murder her essence.

I know this is made normal, as we decide these punters are just letting off steam, just desperate men – never seeing into the truth, they are just very ordinary men who just think it is their right to buy another human.

I know that at any moment, there is a punter in my city just tapping into a computer to buy indoors prostitution.

He is ordering a living person as he would order a pizza – no more and certainly no less.

It is goods he is buying, he has no concept that a prostitute can be human with rights, with a past or a future, with any existence outside his porn dreams.

He is buying a porn-doll that may be breathing, but once brought must adapt to each and every fantasy that the punter has.

The punter order up an escort or girlfriend experience to buy her silence.

It is that silence where all his sadism is placed – giving the illusion of the Good Punter.

I know in my city that punters in groups go into brothels or massage parlours, egging each other on to buy the prostitute.

Each punter who uses the excuse of peer pressure or being too drunk/stoned, or just wanting to be  part of the group – will say he is the Good Punter.

Only every man can say no to buying a prostitute, every man can walk away from peer pressure, every man can grow a heart that could never pay to rape.

Men can make the choice not to be a punter – he has that freedom to truly understand that is the start of understanding what it to be human, what it is to becoming part of the good.

Punters always have the choice to stop – they are not trapped like the prostituted are.

So don’t say there must be good punters, for then you are just saying there is good violence, good forms of slavery and good rapists.

 

Doll-Like

Posted on by rmott62

To be a prostitute is be made into a breathing doll.

Look, read and study all cultural images of the prostituted – and know you are not seeing a living rounded female, know you viewing goods.

Know you are not allowed to know the prostitute as a human, for to know the human is to question her pain, her ability to choose and see that she is trapped.

Keep the prostitute as a doll, then you play all your fantasy and ideals on her.

A doll has no thoughts, has no past or future, has no access to speech, has on right to know pain or fear.

A doll is not allowed human rights.

A doll is played with, may be admired or shown off – but always is tossed away when it become boring.

I know you may think only punters and sex trade profiteers treat the prostituted as dolls – but it is the vast majority of society that does.

What hurts the most is when those who claim to be against the sex trade treat the prostituted as sub-humans – make us dolls to back their views.

I am saddened when I speak or write, and when many of the prostituted speak out or write – that we are more than likely made into the token Prostitute.

To speak out as a prostitute, especially when speaking as an exited woman, is never to speak just to our individual pasts – speaking out for the prostituted is to speak to being a small part of all the prostituted.

The prostituted are connected in our pain, in our grief, in our sense of fighting for true liberation.

I can only know my experiences – but as I speak out I am connected to Thai prostitutes locked inside brothels, I am connected to prostitutes in Amsterdam windows, I am connected girls working the American streets, connected to women inside hard-core porn.

To be an exited woman is to never speak to the I and always speak to the We.

But often when exited women speak out – we are not respected as that collective, but isolated off, made to tell “sad stories” of individual pasts with no connection to other prostituted.

We are made to be performing dolls to be pitied, to be used to raise money, to prove feminists have remember to put a prostitute on their agenda.

We are not allowed to be human – we are just mouth-pieces that are taken out and then thrown away.

I am tired of how exited women are used with so much disrespect, I have chosen to be silent about – but my grief, rage and sense of honour is making speak out.

I want to know why are all the prostituted whether exited or still inside the sex trade never allowed to be truly human?

Why do so many who should be or think they are allies, feel the need to keep the prostituted as dolls?

I ask this from a place of love, and deep concern – but also frustration, some rage and deep grief.

There is a common practice by our allies of only letting exited women be seen and heard in the singular, not respecting that we are political movement.

This is because a doll cannot not be political – she has not got the brains, she has not got the heart – a doll is too fragile for nasty politics.

We are keep sub-human by this patronising attitude.

It is the attitude that makes into a story that has no connection to society, no connection to economics, no connections to cultural stereotyping – being just dolls, the prostituted are disconnected from all that matter, so disconnected that it will mean nothing real will be done to end their tortures.

Yes, I am sure most readers of this blog are in deep denial that they ever would or could be a person who makes the prostituted sub-human – let allowed making us into dolls.

I know it is safe to imagine that only men that buy and sell the prostituted make us into dolls.

That is true – every punters will want his own sex-doll, and all sex trade profiteers will provide endless dolls for punters to consume.

That is the bare facts of prostitution – but you keep the prostituted sub-human by turning away from those bare facts and looking for more complicated reasons for prostitution.

Take how often you must have many categories – saying it is poverty, saying it must be forced, saying it is through incest – when all the time you are throwing away the prostituted who do not fit your pity.

As you make your lists, as you fall back on statistics, as you listen only to “experts” – you have become unable to truly listen and hear the multiple voices of exited women.

You will hear we could have been middle-class, you will hear those who enter the sex trade as adults, you cannot hear when we did not have an obvious pimp or trafficker.

Your stereotyping and judging is every day places the prostituted class in deep danger – it is allowing the constant raping, constant torturing and constant murdering of all the prostituted, including those you consider not to worthy of your help or pity.

You may not use the language of sex worker and having free choices – but all your attitudes of ignoring the prostituted that do fit your victim stereotype, implies you think some prostitutes are beyond the pale.

In other words, you are refusing to see the human in every prostitute, and keeping her as a doll.

I not sure if this post makes sense, for I am too saddened to know.

Please respond if you can – but remember this is political, not a pity party.