Monthly Archives: February 2014

Climbing Back on My Horse

Posted on by rmott62

I have too full of trauma to write for a while.

I have let fear, exhaustion and a burning out of my brain stop me from coming to my work.

I have found it hard to feel solid when memories are drowning, making my choking so intense that sleep and breathing is the only issues that I can care about.

Today, I stare directly into my trauma and say enough – I will return to my work.

I will ride my bucking horse again – for deep inside I know only patience and love will tame it.

That is, I can learn to one with my past, my present and my future if I just hold on tight to my wild horse and learn it is just part of me.

Sound so simple, but it the hardest work I will ever do – the work to mend and really get to know my prostituted soul.

The heart of the matter – the heart that I run from but want to know so deeply – is to be one with who I had to be in my late teens and early twenties.

To know my terror then, to know how the pain was, to know it was never truly a world without  exits just it was kept blocked from me.

To know that I was isolated, to know each and every punter saw me as nothing, to know money went into hands that I never saw.

I need to know the heart of what I had to do to survived prostitution.

To know I hang on to some kind of pride by keeping reading even as punters and pimps laugh at the “reader-whore”, and would rip my books, or give me Lolita, de Sade and Anais Nin to read.

To know I hang on to knowing Arsenal were still in my heart, that I could love football – despite being rape or batter for knowing more than punters about the offside rule, or when they bore me thinking of footie results.

To know I hang on to my passion for Hollywood – despite punters using my love of films to put in the back row to suck their dick, so they put down in the crap on the floor and make me their trash.

I need to know it was impossible to be inside prostitution and stay a good person.

To know I reach for some kind of self-respect by stealing from punters – not coz I needed the money, but coz if they hurt or torture me I wanted to take something from them.

To know I learnt to make myself numb to my own reality by sleeping as little as possible, by drinking as much as possible, by smoking in order to die, by not eating good food, by forcing my brain to not know I had a body.

To know that I survive by not letting in the real world, not letting in hope, not letting that there were people and places that wanted me to live and thrive.

I could not know the real world until I hit rock bottom – and from deep inside me I made the choice that I wanted to be truly alive – and not the deadened porn-puppet the sex trade had made me.

It is through knowing what I had to be to somehow survive prostitution, that I have learnt to see through the lies of those who support the sex trade.

A classic is the old line, that the major issue for the prostituted is not male violence or being made into sexual goods – but that society will stigmatised the prostituted.

I believe that most so-called stigma was created by the sex trade to keep the prostituted in-line and as a slave-class.

Much of the stigma is about saying most outside the sex trade have no idea what it is to be prostituted – so it is invented that outsiders don’t care about the prostituted, that outsiders see all the prostituted as sub-human – and the only true care for the prostituted comes from the sex trade “family” that is pimps and some punters.

This is bullshit – it is pimps and punters that need and want the prostituted to be isolated, it is the pimps and punters that need and want to keep all the prostituted as sub-human sexual goods.

Of course pimps and punters will act the good guys, pretend to some kind of family, will drip-feed poison and say it is honey.

When I was prostituted, I was made to believe that all the violence was “accidental”, that the pimps were sorry I was hurt, that some punters are just bad but most just want simple sex.

When I was prostituted, I was made to believe that those who said they may help me were just do-gooders, religious freaks, were jealous coz they could get enough sex, were judging me but leaving to be trashed.

When I was prostituted, I was made to believe that if I just toughened up I would be fine. I would learn to adapt.

These vicious lies made it impossible to even imagine an escape, or  believe there could be a world where I would be human enough to have the right to safety.

I write this to give a reason to fight for full abolition of the sex trade.

To stop more girls and women going through what I did – we must not go for half-measures, please listen to exited women.

Don’t be a Pimp-Thinker

Posted on by rmott62

Much if not most of the opposition to exited women (and exited men) who are now abolitionists can be framed as pimp-thinking.

It is a framing that puts and keeps all the prostituted as sub-human and not worthy of human rights.

It is a framing that wants to push prostitution indoors, so no violence will be seen or recorded.

It is a framing that speaks words that appear Leftist or even feminist – but is always the language of the slave-owner.

It is a language of labour rights, a language being a family – it is a language of lies and control.

To be an exited woman who is an abolitionist is inside the snake-language of the pimp-thinkers.

It is to know their cold hate, their utter disregard that any prostitute is truly and fully human, and to know they are angry that you still breathing.

Pimp-thinkers do not threaten exited women in the public gaze – they do not need for they know how to trigger us to the edge of death.

All pimp-thinkers know and use words that are meant to control us, to silence us.

They may use ridicule, they may imply it just a story and we do not know truth for we too damaged.

They may use honey words pretending to care about our mental welfare – whilst ripping into every thing we say or write.

That is for the public eye – it may appear harmless.

In public, most exited women do not get rape or death threats – pimp-thinkers are not that stupid, and are very patience in how they will mentally tortured the exited women.

All pimp-thinkers know and constantly the language and key words that will send exited women back into their own personal hell o prostitution.

I rarely get death or rape threats – but I get tons of messages that make me want to commit suicide or harm myself.

There is the language and constant explanation of how and why indoors prostitution is not real violence – and it so much safer than being on the streets.

Pimp-thinkers know this is a vile lie – but do not care as long as the status quo of the sex trade goes on and indoors bring in greater profits.

There is no compassion or interest in the welfare of the prostituted class in pushing prostitution indoors – for it is well-known that most violence done to the prostituted is behind closed doors.

If this is not true, why then do the vast majority of known murders of the prostituted happen in rooms.

If this is not true, how could the majority of exited women say the violence was common when alone in a room with a punter or punters, and so-called security ignoring the violence.

If that is not true, why do most sex trade profiteers want indoors prostitution knowing the lack of any public gaze or interest means they can supply any sadist act that bring in a huge profit.

The reality of indoors prostitution is to know you are totally alone – and that no-one inside the sex trade cares whether you are dead or alive, whilst controlling what the public knows about the conditions we exist in.

All pimp-thinkers want indoors prostitution for it make invisible the cold horrors that is prostitution.

It makes invisible that all punters are making the choice to make the prostitute into a slave by buying her.

It makes that she is a slave, by creating a language of choice and labour rights – the language of the slave-master.

All talk of indoors is made near to impossible by the lie of choice, or should I say the misplacement of whose has the choice.

All punters make the choice to buy another human being for his sexual greed – in this act he has made the choice to do an act of violence.

To make this invisible, that the punter is violent just by buying the prostitute – the pimp-thinker has to build a spiderweb of all the reason why prostitutes choose to do indoors prostitution.

These reasons are often about a single moment when she is in the room with a “decent” punter – and all else is made to vanished.

There is no speaking of her past – no talk of how many punters have consumed her, no talk of how she has learnt to cut off from knowing the regular violence, no talk that punters want to rape more than often than not.

There is no speaking of pressure for the prostitute to do sexual acts that damage her – do it for reasonable amount of money, do it in order that she not punish by her sex trade profiteers, do it to fulfill some punter porn fantasy.

Indoors will never be made safe – for the purpose of all indoors prostitution is to provide the punter with a sex slave who has no access to consent and will do whatever porn fantasy he wants – all to keep the sex trade making profits.

It so hard to write – but there so much to write.