OK I am listening to Spotify, and Staying Alive came on, and the block in my brain slowly shook awake.

I am alive – do not know why or even how.

And now after many lifetimes of wanting to die – I am want to stay alive.

I am useless at taking care of myself, but the more I understand I want to stay alive, the more I find I can live inside my own body.

But if you want to speak to the harms of prostitution, then see how many exited women cannot live within their own skins.

Think of the realities that my body – just an example of too many prostituted women – went through, and tell me you would be detached and/or hate that body.

I hear the shock and tears for women raped once.

Rape is seen as a form of torture, as the worse thing a woman can go through.

But this appears to be true only if the woman is raped rarely, or has nothing to do with the sex trade.

Prostituted women who are raped by hundreds and thousands of men – are ignored, pushed away and made invisible.

Our rapes become the hazard of our job, a fault in our lifestyle, or just because we did not negotiate with the punter what we would accept.

We are raped till our bodies have no space left that could be private, we are raped into a state of blankness.

Imagine what it to be raped by so many punters that you cannot know how, so many that their faces all become one.

Imagine what you would feel about your body then?

It is common after just one rape, to not want sex, to blame your body for orgasms that may have occurred, to grieve how your body has been changed.

This is in all prostituted women after rape – but they have no time or space to feel, no support to speak to that feeling.

No, most prostituted women are just place into rape after rape after rape – until she cannot have any feelings left.

Then the rapes of the prostituted are made unimportant – for the prostituted woman is cold, detached, acting hard and appears to happy or not to care.

To the outside, she has become the Happy Hooker or the sex worker and no real harm has been done.

But all the rapes are stored in the bodies of the prostituted.

If the prostituted woman is lucky enough to escape, to live, to keep her sanity – then it will become extreme long-term trauma.

This trauma is made invisible or dismissed, but the multiple voices of exited women are fighting to show their trauma and say –

Here’s the harm – our bodies are the witnesses and evidence of that harm, our bodies contain truths that will destroy the sex trade if you truly listened.

We know that the harms of prostitution are not from stigma, not from the place it is happening in – we know that the source of all the harms done to prostituted is the male entitlement to buy and sell the prostituted.

It is with this entitlement that punters make the wrong choice to make it OK to buy another human for his sexual wants.

There is no human right to buy another human for male orgasms, no human right to invent a whole class of mainly females to made into sub-human sexual goods.

But punters believe it is their right.

It is with this entitlement that a punter makes a conscious and pre-planned choice to use violence on the prostitute. In doing this, he proclaiming that the prostitute is no longer to be considered as human, but consumable goods.

The framing of the prostituted as sub-human goods is how sex trade profiteers want it – how it becomes that the prostituted do not get raped, for they have no access to human pain, human fear or human grief.

To make the prostituted sub-human, it an effective way to deny all the prostituted access to human rights.

They cannot have the right to be free from torture – for torture only happening to full humans.

They cannot have access to freedom of expression – for to survive prostitution it becomes vital to be silent or speak the language of your oppressor.

They cannot have the right to freedom of movement – for the sex trade profiteers can and will move the prostituted to other aspects of the sex trade, move them from country to country, from street to street. All done to punish, disorient and fully control the prostituted.

They do not have the right to a family – the sex trade needs the prostituted to be isolated, the sex trade will deal with pregnancy on their own terms, and the sex trade makes human love hard to express.

And the prostituted do not have the right to life – the death rates for the prostituted is off the scale. Female prostitutes are thought to be killed at the minimum of 12 times more than women of similar age or background, though it more like about 20 times more likely.

Exited women know what it was to be sub-human – and now as they stay alive, they are fighting to make sure no human ever is treated that way ever again.

We fight for all the prostituted – for just one woman in a brothel is one too many, just one escort in fear of a punter is one too many, just one prostitute being exchanged from one aspect of the sex trade to another more violent aspect is one too many and so on.

One prostituted human in any country is one too many.

That is why we will never give up.

We stay alive to fight.

I am very tired, tired of demand that I prove that it was real that I was prostituted, tired of the sex trade lobby looking for ways to destroy my truths.

I am tired of the constant demands for facts that they can and will pull apart piece by piece until nothing is left.

I am tired for the constant anger at my lack of statistics – even though this is a huge red herring, as they sex trade know and don’t that must statistics are owned and controlled by those who profit from the institution of prostitution.

Let’s be clear and honest about the history of prostitution – it not the voices of the vast majority of the prostituted, it is the voices and opinions of sex trade profiteers, punters and their allies.

When you look at the remains of brothel frescoes in Pompeii – all you seeing is advertisement for the brothel owners, and a menu of sexual goods for the punters.

When you imagine a Golden Age of temple whores and whore goddesses, you are thinking as a consumer not as the consumed.

When you read Fanny Hill as a joyful romp – you see through the eyes of the punter.

When you imagine that courtesan had power and died old or rich – you are ignoring history, to form an image of the Happy Hooker.

If you think being a geisha is powerful or even some kind of feminist statement, you have been brainwashed.

If you knew the real Happy Hooker saw the horror of brothels inside concentration camps – would you give damn?

And to now.

If you open the doors on a brothel in a Western country, like New Zealand, where it is decrimalised – would you really look inside or only see what you want to see.

Would you care if the women are named as girls, treated as sub-human goods who are disposable?

Would you give a damn if saw and knew that the prostituted in those brothels are expected to work longer and longer hours, and still never will earn enough to live on?

Would even noticed the dead eyes of the prostituted, see bruises or cuts, or noticed the constant demand for more and more sadist sex?

Or would just see what you want to see.

Will you decide that those prostituted must be happy and empowered – because in the small moment you see them, they say they are?

As you hear do you ignore the manager standing behind them?

Do you ignore that most doors are closed on you, as you refuse to imagine the sex can be violent or not fully chosen by the prostituted.

How do live in such denial, as so many of the prostituted are dying, being tortured or having to block out their reality to survive.

Your facts and statistics will full up your state of denial, and you invent the myth that indoors prostitution is full of empowered and rich prostituted women if it becomes decriminalised.

Your myth excludes at the minimum 98% of prostituted.

You exclude all women who were externally trafficked into those brothels.

You exclude any concepts of internal trafficked.

You exclude any idea that many adult prostitutes started under-aged.

You exclude indigenous women who become prostituted.

You exclude any previous sexual/mental/physical abuse being connected to being prostituted.

You exclude peer pressure or the pressure of patriarchy making all vulnerable think they are just sex objects.

And you exclude how the sex trade will invent many markets and then find the vulnerable women to fill it.

You may allow that economic pressure may push women into prostitution – but then you pretend it only on their own terms.

How can you lie so much to yourself – and then have the cheek to demand facts and statistics.

But it not just inside brothels where the prostituted suffer when doing indoors prostitution.

No, escorting and girlfriend is highly dangerous, as is working inside saunas parlours.

You ignore why it is so dangerous, and start inventing false reasons.

You say it is stigma – ignoring that being alone with a punter/punters never knowing if he will choose to be violent or not is a high risk.

You say the real violence is not the punters or sex trade profiteers, but the police – knowing that is bullshit, as punters/profiteers rape, torture and murder with a free rein.

In the end most so-called facts and statistics from the sex trade lobby are cruel lies to keep the prostituted, exited women and abolitionists in a state of silence.

Well, I am glad to say this silencing is not working – instead you stir a hornet’s nest.

Your lies and half-truths have made exited women tear down the history of prostitution being always the sound of punters and sex trade profiteers – as they speak loud and clear about why prostitution is torture, is slavery, is full of racism, is women-hating, is about destroying demand for the beginning of full justice and dignity for all the prostituted.

Our varied voices tear down you cold and hateful facts and statistics.

We hold our truths in our bodies, not just in pieces of paper or books.

We know our truths as we hold the ghosts of our friends or known ones who could live as the sex trade destroyed their beautiful lives.

We understand the language of torture and genocide through the pain and deep grief that our bodies carry.

You may say that just our story, just our biased opinion – anything to say that we must be liars or deluded.

But our body memories paint a vivid truth speaking to torture, male entitlement, the disappearances of too many of the prostituted, and to being raped by so many punters our mind survived by losing count.

Those are our facts and statistics – and to not hear them, is to have no heart.

Last week, Amnesty International made the decision to back the decriminalisation of all aspects the sex trade.

This is about saying buying a human as sexual goods should become a human right.

That laws preventing profiteering/pimping should be taken down.

What it not about is the safety or mental welfare of the prostituted.

This is the biggest betrayal I have ever experience in my lifetime – and if it becomes normalised, it will lead to decades of the sexual slavery continuing without interference.

Last week, I was too heartbroken and full of trauma to write. Now I will to personal and political, why I and so exited women are so angry and deeply hurt.

I will look at some of Amnesty’s slogans and how they have chosen to ignore them.

END ALL TORTURE

This is the most sickening part of this new policy.

It would appear that the prostituted are not human enough to have the human right to have protection from torture.

We need to be clear that too of prostitution would named as torture if the same was done to political prisoners – especially if they were males.

Rapes over and over and over and over is torture.

Amnesty would call that torture if it non-prostituted women and girls in wars, or if it done to political prisoners.

Most punters used the bodies of the prostituted to replay porn they have seen or read.

The purpose of porn is degrade and hurt the woman – often in ways that cause severe injury or death.

That is torture – plain and simple.

But it seemed if you it “sex work”, pretend there is an equal business exchange, and imagine the prostitute has chosen the lifestyle – then it cannot be torture.

Bullshit.

Calling it “sex work” is just used to hide male violence, and that all prostitution is founded on not caring how the prostituted are treated as long as a profit can made.

I was tortured for many years, always in legal and mainstream aspects of indoors prostitution.

I was tortured by water with anal rape, I was tortured by gang-rapes one after the other, I was anally tortured, I was tortured by having penises/objects force down my throat or into my cunt, I was tortured by beating me unconscious – and so much more that my brain does not want to remember.

I am not unique or even rare. In many ways, I was better off than most prostituted women and girls.

I was born white and into the middle-class, so my tortures were nowhere near as what happens to prostituted women not from that background.

Black, Asian, indigenous and poor prostituted women and girls are viewed by the sex as disposable – and are usually placed with punters who are the most sadist.

Amnesty in Canada is fighting for justice the Million Women Missing, who are mainly indigenous women – but if some of those are found alive and in prostitution, would Amnesty turn it back on them.

PROTECT THE HUMAN

Oh Amnesty, let’s be honest – lets change that to PROTECT THE MAN, for you have thrown away all women by denying human rights to the prostituted.

This is so tragic, for you do fabulous work when you stick to individual political prisoners.

I know your letter-writing have given joy and hope to many political prisoners, even made the most horrific governments free them afraid of the bad publicity.

Why do you have to take the world over, when what you were doing was working?

You have no understanding or knowledge of what it is to be prostituted – especially the only information you have read is the propaganda, lies and spin of the sex trade lobby.

Amnesty, you claim to care about the most trodden on, but then you listen to sex trade profiteers and ignore exited women.

Do you have no shame?

The prostituted are not being protected – we are being thrown into the sea.

But Amnesty the hurt and betrayal is more than just your hypocrisy – the message you give out loud and clear is

The prostituted are not human, so why bother with human rights for them.

That is what exited women and abolitionists hear, and why there such fury and pain at your policy.

You may as be a sex trade profiteer or punter, for that is how you view the prostituted – as sub-human sexual goods, and you pour salt into our wound by naming it “sex work”.

If you think it just a job, then think of the conditions.

Is it normal at work to rape on an industrial scale? Is it normal at work to have to numb out pain from those countless rapes, and to learn to close your mind to that reality?

Is it normal at work for the manager to take a huge cut, or take fees as a punishment, or just not pay at all?

Is it normal at work for women and girls to just disappear on a regular basis?

Is it sex to place the prostitute in constant worry of whether she will live?

Is it normal when having sex to blocked it out with drugs/alcohol?

If you think any of that is ok, you should worry about yourself – but that is what prostitution is.

To say that hell is ok, is to say we really don’t give a shit about the welfare of the prostituted.

That is the bottom line, Amnesty with this terrible policy, you have shown your hand.

You really don’t give a shit about the basis human rights of the prostituted.

I have taken a break from writing and working, allowing myself time to relax and compute the many changes this blog has done to and for me.

That I may write about at a later point. I have come back to the sacred cow of leftist human rights – Amnesty International – throwing the prostituted class into the sea.

Personally, I would love all female members to boycott AI in solidarity with their prostituted sisters – but that is not going to happen.

But I will dream.

I would be a solid member of AI, if they had not allowed themselves to have their policy on prostitution written by pimps, and fully backed by the sex trade lobby.

Are the prostituted class not human enough to have access to full human rights?

Do the boners of punters mean more than the living conditions of the prostituted?

Is AI being paid by the sex trade lobby to spread lies and fear to silence abolitionists?

I, as an exited woman, look in despair and deep fury as the “human rights” of punters and sex trade profiteers are to be protected by AI – leaving the prostituted as sub-human sexual goods with no human rights.

I write this as a personal scream of despair, but also to speak to the many and highly predictable lies that the sex trade is telling AI and its members.

They will be obsessed with separating anything nasty from prostitution – i.e. child sexual exploitation, all forms of trafficking, sexual violence, and so-called underground prostitution.

They will make the false claim that prostitution is never connected to previous sexual abuse, mental health issues, STDs or other illnesses – if connected it just the bad choices of an individual prostituted woman/man.

The only negative push to prostitution is economics – often picking on a short-term current crisis – rather seeing prostitution is there in good or bad times.

There is no mention that other multiple reason push the prostituted into the sex trade – racism, natural disasters, wars, childhood abuse, peer pressure, sense of deep self-hate, lack of access to real love, wanting to rebel/fit in, so many pushes.

No mention that the sex trade invents these pushes, that it is no accident that it is the vulnerable of all classes, all races, and all cultures that are trapped in the sex trade.

No mention of the market that is the sex trade – a market that supplies all sexual porn dreams that punters want or are made to want.

No mention of the huge profits that decriminalisation will bring to the sex trade profiteers – or how that profit is mainly made by providing access to more sadist sexual practices.

No mention that to supply this expanding market, that internal and external will increase, that more extreme sadism will become the norm as it will the only to get enough money to live on.

No mention of the violence inside all forms of indoors prostitution – no, it will be left to the sex trade profiteers to deal with in-house, as they have for at least 3000 years.

So, no mention of the constant disappearances of the prostituted from brothels, escorting, girlfriend experiences, saunas and all other forms of indoors prostitution.

No mention of how the punters who choose indoors prostitution are paying for more time, more privacy to do whatever they porn-fueled heads can imagine.

So, no mention that many richer punters choose indoors prostitution to have the entitlement to fully own, control and throw away the prostituted.

It is normal in indoors prostitution for there to no protection, no interest in the sexual/mental/physical welfare of the prostituted.

It is a sick joke when the sex trade lobby – who work for the interests of punters and sex trade profiteers – feign concern for the welfare of the prostitution.

The sex trade lobby just lie.

Say it again, to make it clear.

The sex trade lobby just lie.

The sex trade lobby know and do not care, that punters choose indoors prostitution for the time and privacy to be as violent as they want – after the sex trade lobby is providing those sadist acts each and every day with getting their hands dirty.

The sex trade lobby know and do not care that women in indoors prostitution are made to disappearance – some to more dangerous or mentally disturbing aspects of the sex trade, some to illness or mental breakdown, some to suicide, and far too many are murdered.

These disappearances are made invisible in a highly conscious way by the institution of the sex trade – the prostituted are thrown away, as their lives were considered to be worthless.

Every time the sex trade lobby speaks of caring about the welfare of the prostituted, I am sick to the bottom of my stomach – and those bastards are writing the policy of AI now.

This post is a scream – I bloody dread the results tomorrow.