I can remember being prostituted in red.

I don’t remember in pictures, I feel the reality of that time from my stomach and the aching of my vagina and anus.

I remember as I freeze before eventually getting into sleep

I remember as the words of the sex work lobby poison my brain.

I remember when I recognise the cold stare of those still trapped in the sex trade.

All memories of that time courses through my blood.

I was never born to be prostituted, it was never a dream of mine – but those years change me and made me into a fighter.

Prostitution changes all the prostituted mainly by stealing their humanity and making into goods.

There is no good that can found in the regime that is prostitution – you cannot find a silver lining that helps you to turn away from our oppression.

I know there is a desperate search for the good side to prostitution, a search to find the unicorns of the good punter, the kindly sex trade profiteers and the happy hooker.

In this fantasy, indoors prostitution is made safe – well safe enough to be ignored.

In this fantasy, all the prostituted enter as adults not from poverty, had never been abused in childhood, are not addicted to drugs or alcohol, are white and middle-class.

In this fantasy, punters are gentlemen who would report any trafficked women or under-aged prostitutes.

In this fantasy, sex trade profiteers respect the prostituted, as they give them decent wages, proper access to health care and routes to exiting if it is asked for.

This fantasy is killing the prostituted every moment of every day, for it is used to keep hidden the hate and male violence that is our reality.

The more you choose to believe the lies of the sex trade lobby – the more rapes, the more torturing and the more murders of the prostituted becomes the norm.

Your need to want a fantasy is an enabler to the genocide of the prostituted.

You are creating our bloodbath by your apathy and ignorance.

Sorry, if that offends you, I am remembering in blood as you can keep a safe detachment.

I have been in rooms where memory had to cut away in order to survive.

I have been in rooms with punters who had paid to make my body know pain beyond thought, pain that enters and pollutes my body without end, pain where words lose meaning.

I have been alone in rooms with punters who with one look control my will and turn into their sex doll.

I have known torture in all forms, I have been raped beyond counting, I have known of prostituted women and girls who disappeared – I known death was expected, that my survival was just a toss of a coin.

That is the reality of being prostituted – don’t fall for the fantasy.

We are under the oppression of having Trump as US President.

His philosophy is to tell as many untruths as possible until he has brainwash a nation to follow his way.

It is the philosophy of a pimp-thinker.

So in these Trump years, what hope is there for liberation for the prostituted.

Trump is a man who has no respect for women, no interest in helping poor non-white women, no interest in runaway teens.

Trump is a man who refuses to connect the dots of how and why there is a sex trade.

He thinks like a pimp, and acts likes a punter.

All his marriages are made disposable as he knows he is entitled to screw as many women as he can possess.

That is punter behaviour, for he makes women into sexual goods that he throws away.

His body language is that of a pimp.

See how he pushes women aside, how he does look them in the eye unless it to control and bully, how points and threatens even about minor events.

Trump needs to control, rule over and silence all opposition – real or imagine.

This is a dangerous environment to be an Abolionlist, dangerous to be an exited women and dangerous for all those still embedded in the sex trade.

This a time for celebration for sex trade profiteers and punters.

In a land of untruths, pimps and punters can triumph. For their lies and mental manipulation becomes the norm.

l will speak to the endless untruths made to control and mentally abuse the prostituted.

There is the untruth that indoors prostitution, especially escorting, is an easy way to get rich.

What is easy about being trapped in a room with a punter who has paid to owned and control you?

What is easy when at any that punter can choose to be as violent as he desires?

Where the riches, when most escorting agencies take huge cuts and use fines to control?

There is the untruth that some forms of prostitution can be made safe, or at the minimum safe enough to make outsiders think prostitution is acceptable.

How can prostitution ever be safe, when all punters view the prostituted as sexual goods to consume and toss aside?

Prostitution can never be safe as long as punters have that entitlement. Instead,the sex trade will become more skilled at making the constant murders, serial raping and torturing of the prostituted invisible.

That is living in the kingdom of untruths.

Please if you fighting Trump and his reinvention of the how we allowed to think, please remembered the prostituted.

I have put my soul music, music that I know so well it is in my blood, so I can get back to writing.

Soul music is my soother, my root back to a past I wanted but never had, and soul music speaks to my silences.

I have been beyond upset, I have been frozen away from work or remembering what made me who I am now.

I need to reach down and grasp hold of my soul and let it scream out its silence.

To know the parts of me that find language so hard, I must see and know the conditions of my past, see and know those who gain by my silencing, and see and know that abolition is not a dream, but an urgent reality.

I will start in the middle, with those who gain by my and all exited women staying silent.

First and foremost, all punters gain normality and lack of stigma, if exited women have no voices.

They can pay to rape, pay to torture, pay to mentally abuse, pay to murder with no consequences or public shaming.

Punters want to viewed as good guys, or as victims – they hate our voices for we expose them as sadists and criminals.

Then there is the sex trade/work lobby and their cronies – they have a full-time in silencing all words of exited women.

They cover this up with disingenuous phrase –

We must only listen to current sex workers.

Please look carefully at those words.

Think about the conditions of prostitution, and then think what access prostituted women have to use their own words to describe their lives.

When we work in domestic violence, we know many women will speak of loving the man that battered them, we know many women stay thinking they can change his behaviour.

We do not take them at their word.

But we are meant to think every prostituted is right if she said she is empowered, she is in control, that her punters treat her with respect.

This is the language of sex trade profiteers and punters, it is the language of survival when you are prostituted.

I and most exited women used that language when we were prostituted.

We used it to convince ourselves that it was normal to be prostituted.

We used it to forget the constant hate and violence put into our body and soul.

We used the language of our oppressors for we knew no other words.

Part of the joy and liberation of becoming an exited woman is discovering there are many other words and we can invent anew language.

The language of abolition, the language of human rights, the language of self-determination, the language of freedom.

To understand why abolition must be the aim, we must see and fully know the conditions of prostitution.

This not about being graphic, or wanting shock for the sake of it – it about knowing what are fighting about and for.

We must know all prostitution is the conditions of trafficking, that there no form of prostitution that can be made safe.

As long as it is normal for puntersto know they can buy another human for their sexual wants, no prostitute will ever be safe.

No punter cares or wants to know how the prostitute can to be there – he is just a consumer who pays to control and own his sexual goods.

The puntershas no interest in her past, no interest in any injuries on her body, no concern that she cannot speak the local language, no upset that pimps may be controlling.

That has no relevant to his sexual fantasy, or more than likely it is feeding that fantasy.

Punters will use violence on all types of the prostituted, this violence will be fast or low, this violence will be in any place.

The violence is usually pre-planned, not spontaneous.

Most violence done to the prostituted is extremely sadistic – most would be classed as torture and rape if it was done to the non-prostituted.

It is the norm for the prostituted to know torture, to be raped beyond counting, to have a constant knowledge that they could made to disappear or murder any day.

How dare anyone call that sex work!

So to end, we must speak to abolition.

We must learn from other other Abolitionists who have succeeded.

Abolition is hard, and is a long-term project, it is planting a tree that we may see.

But abolition must be real for the prostituted – no woman can free when so many women are embedded in the hell that is prostitution.

Sleep is the luxury of being safe and secure.

I now can sleep the minimum of five hours up to eleven hours.

For my prostituted years, I could only catnapped, deep sleep eluded me.

I am so happy I can sleep normal, it makes everything fit better.

When I was prostituted, I was always sleeping with one eye open, waiting and expecting danger if I was too vulnerable.

To be vulnerable as a prostitute can be signing a death warrant.

I refused to in that position, I try to convince myself that I had that power.

To survive prostitutionis becomes vital to fool yourself you have the power to prevent the violence, to spot the danger signs and then it will all be fine.

To see the truth, is like committing suicide.

To see and know deeply, that no prostituted person has the power to stop the hate and violence throw at them.

To know and see that to be prostituted is to made sub-human.

That is impossible to live with when embedded inside the sex trade.

So it becomes natural for the prostituted to defend what they want to believe is their choice.

I am never surprised that women inside the sex trade claim to be fine, call themselves sex workers, get angry at anyone who question them.

I would of defended my choices – forgetting the everyday sadism pour into me, forgetting my previous child abuse, forgetting the mental violence into me.

I would not allow myself to feel my self-hate, my constant dreams of suicide, my cuts that I refused to see.

I wanted to think I had control over the men – as every time they brought me, I became their object to own and abuse..

I survived by refusing to sleep, refusing to relax enough to know my reality.

Now I do sleep, and now I can in my trauma give my truths space to known.

Hello dear readers, after hiding away for Christmas, I am back.

I am still shocked at the conditions for the prostituted being glossed over.

I am still sickened by all the propaganda of the sex work lobby.

I am still inside extreme trauma as my shadow.

All this is my norm, so much stays the same even in times of great change.

l am English, and I feel despair as my country pushes all discussion of abortion into the extreme.

All the time, I go to “debates”, consume our media, go to the arts – and I drown with voices of the sex trade lobby.

Let be very clear who are the sex trade are.

They do not represent the multiple voices of the prostituted.

They represent the voices of consumers and producers of the sex trade.

This is proven by what the sex trade/work lobby refuse to discuss or even mention.

That is the everyday male violence that is the norm in every aspect of the sex trade.

It is keep hidden that there no safe form of prostitution, there is no safe place to be prostituted in, there is no style of sex work that can be made safe.

This is made invisible by refusing to speak to who punters and what they do to the prostituted.

Instead, the trick of the sex work lobby is to make invisible, by only speaking about the individual motivations of the prostituted.

It is framed as choice, as survival, even as better than other jobs.

In the mind-set prostitution is still a choice even if done out of poverty.

It is important to note here that only negative reason that the sex trade lobby allows for entering is poverty – previous mental/physical/sexual abuse is not mention, racism is not mention, peer pressure is not mention, coercion is not mention.

How can being poor be a choice? If poverty is not a choice, how can turning to prostitution be a full choice in those conditions?

The most important silence is the lack of focus on who punters are, and what they do to the prostituted.

This silence is keeping the prostituted imprisoned, and increasing the trauma for those of us who have exited.

Punters are very ordinary, punters are everywhere, punters hide in plain sight.

There is no type of man who cannot fit the frame of being a punter – to only see a certain type only places the prostituted in more danger.

The ugly fact is that any man at any time and in any place, can make the conscious decision to buy and control the prostituted for his sexual greed and desire to oppress.

Punters do not buy the prostituted for simple sexual wants, to buy another human is an act of violence and power.

Therefore all consumption of the prostituted is an act of violence in and of itself – but the reality for the prostituted, is that the majority of punters will rarely just want sex that is viewed as normal.

Punters are paying to control someone that they view as non-human – so torture is normal, mental violence is normal, anal rape is normal, battering is norm, and serial rapes are normal.

All this is keep hidden from public gaze, especially as the sex work stubbornly refuses to say any words that may expose the punters.

I am sickened by this silencing – sickened as my body knows who punters really are, sickened as my prostituted friends and colleagues are silenced to speak to their realities.

I want all Abolitionists to be braver and confront the sex work lobby every time it refuses to speak to who and what punters are.

Punters should not be allowed to see themselves as victims or even misunderstood.

Punters should never be framed as gentlemen or so-called good ‘uns.

Punters should seen as sadist criminals.

Punters should fear imprionment or at the minimum a fine that is treble their daily wage.

Stop making punters nice.