I have been sent a form to start my journey to try to see if I have autism or not.

I am very unsure and quite thrown by this.

In a stream of consciousness, I will try to answer their questions as a test. This is not how I will answer officially, just personal thoughts and worries.

ARE YOU AWARE OF THE DIFFERENCES OR DIFFICULTIES WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, E.G. WHEN YOU LEARNT TO TALK, SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES, HEALTH DIFFICULTIES?

This is very hard for I have fragmented memory. But, my childhood was hard in many ways.

I was a late developer, but learnt fast.

I never understood how to fit in or social norms. I learnt to copy behaviour without knowing why I did what I did.

This may be coz I live inside an abusive family, or autistic traits, or a mixture of both.

I had loads of anger, and was quite violent, especially with self-harming and attacking those who try to kind to me.

I often place myself in the line of danger, or with hateful people.

I had extreme headaches, thoughts of suicide, and sleep issues.

I was a troubled child.

PLEASE CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT ANY DIFFERENCES OR DIFFICULTIES YOU MAY HAVE: MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS, KNOWING HOW TO ACT IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS, UNDERSTANDING THE BEHAVIOUR OF OTHER PEOPLE, AND USING AND UNDERSTANDING NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION (E.G. EYE CONTACT AND FACIAL EXPRESSION)?

I have major problems with understanding human communication – could be autism, years of male violence in prostitution and childhood abuse, or more likely a complex mixture of both.

I am good at making friends, but tend to find it hard to keep them.

I am very detached and cold when friendship end, or if I move away. I am afraid to know that I could care or need their friendship.

I act like it is nothing, when there a void of loneliness in me.

I copy and mimic in social situations, looking for clues from others how to be the norm or even invisible.

I have trained myself to good at reading body language and to hold eye contact.

I am always learning how to be fully human, not just sub-human sexual goods copying human behaviour.

PLEASE CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT ANY DIFFERENCES OR DIFFICULTIES YOU MAY HAVE IN THE FOLLWING AREAS: RESTRICTED OR INTENSE INTERESTS, ROUTINES, MANAGING CHANGES, AND SENSITIVITY TO SENSORY STIMULI (E.G. NOISES, TOUCH AND LIGHTING)?

Again this is mixture of chemical mental health issues, maybe from birth, and living inside prostitution and childhood abuse.

I have always had hobbies that I disappear into.

As a child it was reading, art and playing with soldiers. As an older child, I was into football, being alone and running away.

As a teenager, I disappear into TV, films and sports.

These alongside music are still my obsessions. I never get bore of American films, telly, cricket, football, rugby, art galleries or novels, or American music from 1880’s to 1980’s.

My obsessions kept me alive, when it seemed easier to die. They were my purpose in live.

My obsessions block out my pain, my confusion and close down too much reality.

I like routine, for it give reason for life. Routine help me feel I am real and not a ghost pretending to be alive.

I find change scary and big changes can paralyse me.

I have trained myself not to show this fear too much, and train myself to ask for help.

I feel dead, but try to act alive.

Hope this makes some sense, please comment coz this is isolating.

So, it is still believed that prostitution will always be with us.

Like murder, child rape, war, poverty and ignorance – there’s little or nothing can be done to end it.

So exited women and Abolitionists should just shut up and die.

But I with so many are still here – yelling and screaming for real change, for justice for all the prostituted, for serious punishment for punters and sex trade profiteers, and for an end to the sex trade in all its forms.

Humans do end what had appear to be impossible, look to South Africa, see the end of some slavery, see peace in Northern Ireland.

Humans do change social norms – we sent children down mines, we used to make abortion illegal.

But for some reason, it has been decided that prostitution is always with us.

In order to maintain that social norm, we must never speak to the conditions of the prostituted, we must never confront what punters actually do or want, we must make the sex trade profiteers invisible.

In other words, we must pretend prostitution is cosy and like a Carry On film.

Well, I speak to these disillusions – words are my weapons.

I speak of the sex trade profiteers being made invisible by how ordinary they are.

They are your neighbours, your relatives – from your community and living lives that you do.

These mainly men are not monsters or cartoon villains – they are just folks who place money above compassion, empathy or desire to see others as fully human.

There are many who owned brothels, sex clubs, run online escorting, and so many other forms of prostitution – who are considered decent folks.

We refuse to see their hate and total contempt for the prostituted.

We do enter the spaces where they control body and soul the prostituted – to see the controlling mental abuse, see the constant threat or reality of physical violence, see the slow breaking down of the prostituted into sub-human sexual goods.

We turn away and imagine it only cartoon pimps out in others places that do such things.

Our prostitution is fun – so don’t mention it may be controlled and extremely dangerous.

We must not see punters for what they are.

We must not see that these men are paying to rape, to torture, to mentally abuse the prostituted.

We must not see they view all the prostituted as goods, never as fully human.

Punters pay to do acts they know are criminal – knowing it will excused or made to vanished.

Punters have no shame, no sense of empathy, so concept that they are violent criminals.

Most punters considered themselves to be normal decent guys – with jobs, normal relationships, and a place in the world.

What they do to the prostituted is private and part of their porn-fuelled fantasy world.

It is not real, so what is the problem?

So the reality of the raped, tortured and destroyed bodies of the prostituted is closed away, and our society runs along as normal.

Well sorry, as an exited woman and an Abolitionist, I refuse to look away. I see the conditions in my skin.

To survive prostitution is always know what torture is, to know endless raping, to know what be made sub-human is.

That will never be forgotten, it is too deep in the skin and mind of all those who survived prostitution.

Words cannot hold our pain, grief and fury as society claims it was nothing.

To be exited is hold a flame for justice for every single prostituted person.

This justice is more than harm reduction, more than small changes in laws – justice is a total destruction of the sex trade, a re-education for all men to view women as fully human, and a real future for the prostituted.

We are a long way from full justice, though the Nordic Approach is a bloody good start.

But still the prostituted are made sub-human – still our rapes, our torturing is no issues, still our murders and disappearances are made no matter.

What other “job” is it normal to be murdered, to be serially raped, to work with no regard to safety.

There is nothing normal about being prostituted – you just decide to shut down compassion and refuse to know our suffering.

Enough is enough.