THE WEATHER AND THE VERY ICKY DAY

It's been cloudy,

it's been humid.

Yippee.

I continue to run my usual errands although with less frequency. To the casual observer I look like anyone else picking out vegetables at the grocery store. You will see me smile and engage in conversation. Only someone who knows me well or has a relationship with chronic pain will notice the stiffness of my shoulders as I walk or sees the slight grimace that I really try to hide as I bend over to pick up something that I will invariably drop. 

Usually, it's my keys.

It's there when I get out of bed in the morning. It tries to give me some hope that the day won't be one spent in a great deal of pain, however, by the time it's evening I know that was just a dream. It's been biding it's time, laying in wait and quietly staying in the background building to an agonizing crescendo that will prevent another night of sleep.

I know that "the experts" say weather does not impact chronic pain but I don't believe them. Not for one single minute. I knew the storm was coming a few days before it got here and with it came its best friend; the black hole. I've gotten pretty good at living with a fair amount of pain. I know it isn't going away anytime soon so on some small level I've accepted it. I do what I need to do and unless you touch me in one of the worst places on my body, my hip, I can manage.

It's when the pain progresses from voodoo pain to the OMG-make-it-stop pain that I have trouble.

Voodoo pain is the pain that I live with. I know that at any point in time someone is going to stab that little voodoo doll with a pin and I will feel a stabbing pain somewhere. If they hug and squeeze that little voodoo doll I'm going to have a dull ache all over my body. Again, this pain I've learned to handle. It's when the pain increases to whole other level; my whole body feels likes it's being compressed like a junk car that is being compressed to the size of a box of cornflakes. That voodoo doll? It's being stabbed all over....over and over again with a ferocious intensity. 

It is that pain that makes me crawl into bed.

It's that pain that turns suffering into isolation.

I'm glad I have people around me that understand and love me through it. I have to say there are times that the pain makes me wonder if this is worth it. Thank goodness it is a momentary thought that immediately goes away but it was enough to bring understanding and compassion for what others feel. Lyrica brought those thoughts and I had to stop taking it. Because of other pain issues I have to take opioids but I don't take enough pain medication to ease the pain. I only take enough to take the edge off. I'm too afraid of the power and control medication can bring and its power to destroy. I don't want to be seduced by the feeling that a pill can make it all go away. I've had a doctor give me medication that truly scared me and that was enough for me to get rid of it. I'd rather have pain than be a zombie.

So how should I spend my day? 

It's one of those cloudy, gloomy days that tends to make me introspective. I tend to think about the person I was before my introduction to chronic pain. I shouldn't go there. At all.

That's probably not the best use of my time. I can't change it so why dwell upon it? As the saying goes, "yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and live for today, it's a gift, that's why they call it the present."  I know this but I don't understand it and I don't think I believe it. For me,  there has to be a balance between all of them. The past brought pain. It influenced the future. Which is the present. See what I mean?

Maybe I shouldn't think too much today.

Let's find something good about the weather.

Hmmmm.....

Well, at least it's good for your skin.....

Nope.

Didn't work.

PAIN AWARENESS MONTH...TRUST ME, I'M AWARE OF IT

It's Pain Awareness month. 

One question?

When aren't we aware of it?

September has been designated as Pain Awareness Month. This is the time that various organizations and groups help the general public become aware of pain and pain management. I personally think I have a better way for people to really understand what this is like. Beat the crap out of them with a baseball bat and tell them that this is what they're going to feel like every single day. For the rest of their lives. (Alright...maybe that's a tad extreme...)

It's been a rough summer. It's been humid; more than usual it seems. You know what it seems? It seems that I say that every summer and how often have I mentioned that I don't do well when humidity sets in?  A lot. The pain hasn't let up much and sometimes my "wonderful attitude" goes in the toilet.

There are so many things that affect our bodies and weather is just one of those things. Science is divided on this but I'm not. Barometric pressure definitely has an effect on me and I'm not nuts. I can feel when the rain is coming and my hands start hurting.

And my smiley face becomes a snarl.

But, back to the pain.

Lyrica has been FDA approved for the treatment of Fibromyalgia and I can't take it. Actually, for me, it didn't help the pain all that much and it wouldn't matter to me if it did. The worst side effect is the weight gain. Weight gain puts more pressure on your body so while it may help the pain the weight gain will bring it back. Chronic pain brings its own set of issues and with the weight gain....just add a tiara.  For me, the weight gain is worse than death. I cannot handle it at all. 

Yes, I have food issues.

And right now food isn't my friend.

Growing up I was always thin. Really thin. I was the person you hated. I could, and did, eat noodles and butter and midnight and I never gained an ounce. I hovered between a size 4 and 6. I didn't matter how much or when I ate. The weight was NEVER an issue. Then, with the onset of thyroid issues and the fibromyalgia...........well.......(snarl).

Again, back to pain.

Ok, ok......I'm getting to it.

I've tried all the approved medications. Lyrica, for me, just won't happen. I'm terrified to try Cymbalta and Savella. Why? Because I am notorious for stopping medications if I don't like how I feel or the side effects get too icky. The doctor has told me, in no uncertain terms, that I'm not to stop them cold turkey and need to be weaned off slowly. Well....that did it for me. I know myself and I know I won't do it. I think I need to write a post about all the medications that have been used for our tricky little symptoms.

So....back to the pain.

Now, I try to compartmentalize my treatment and see if it spills over to all the other issues. I have muscle spasms that can be from my back injury or the fibromyalgia. I take tizanidine for that. I take it at night and it seems to help my sleep and my jumpy legs. 

For my back injury I also take a VERY low dose oxycodone. It's just enough (barely) to take the edge off the pain and allow me to function somewhat normally. (Who am I kidding? I've never been normal).

If the pain gets real bad I head for the tub. Swirling water tends to help me the most. I don't know if I just forget about it or it actually relieves the pain. All I know is that for most ailments the tub helps. If it's a cold, steam up the bathroom and just sit in there. No matter what.....head for the bath. If it's just joint stiffness I can start moving and distract myself. Moving helps the most when it's the fibro pain. If it's the back ......all bets are off.

I know I'm rambling......

It's Pain Awareness month. I guess the title says it all. I have been intensely aware of the pain lately and so I just hide. I know that isn't good but I just don't want to be the buzz kill and I don't want to answer questions about it. It isn't a good state in which to exist but I'm entrenched in it and trying to claw my way back up to the surface.

I've become the Shell answer man (for those of you old enough to remember that one!)

"Hey, mom!"

"It's real cloudy."

"How bad do you hurt today?"

"Oh, ok....should I go to the car wash?"

Yep, I'm better than a barometer.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF PAIN

 The sky is cloudy and overcast.

It's going to rain.

I love it.

My body doesn't.

Does anyone else react to the weather like I do? I laughed at a recent study that concluded weather had no bearing on Fibromyalgia pain.

My fanny it doesn't.

At least I said fanny.

I, like many others, have different levels of pain. I call the worst pain voodoo pain and it progresses to OMG-make it stop. Right now I'm somewhere between the two. I feel like a Steve Miller song. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. 

It's a barometric pressure free for all and I'm stuck right in the middle.

I feel like I'm on a never ending cycle right now. No sleep equals more pain. I take medication for the pain and muscle relaxers for the muscle spasms. I am too afraid to take something to help me sleep. I take an over the counter natural medication called Mid Nites. All they are is valerian and melatonin. It helps a little but it doesn't keep me from waking 2 or three times in the middle of the night. Why my brain won't shut off is beyond me. I can't just shut down and go to sleep. It doesn't matter that my bedroom is dark or that I've taken a hot shower before bed. I've tried all the remedies that say "do this and you'll get a good nights sleep." It doesn't matter at all. Alpha wave intrusion just won't let me reach the deeper levels of sleep and my body desperately needs it. 

I look outside and the clouds are building again. I just opened the door and it's REALLY humid. This tells me I have no chance of getting relief tonight. My body hurts and this puts my attitude in the toilet. 

Way in the toilet.

I'm thinking of life before Fibromyalgia and chronic pain. Big mistake. This brings me to my pity party for one. I feel myself getting frustrated for what could have been. I'm also crying because every single bone in my body aches. 

Right now I just want to curl up with my favorite men.

Who are they you ask??

With a slightly mysterious smile...

I'll bet you'll never guess.

OK.

I'll tell you......

It's............

 My coping mechanism.

4 or 5 of those make a nice snack.

THE EIGHTEEN WHEELER MANIFESTATION

It's been a month of living extreme heat.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse,

the monsoon season set in.

It has been a few weeks where the temperature index ranges somewhere between OMG and WTF. Yes, it has been that hot. I wanted a fountain diet coke and the thermometer in the car read 119.  People with Fibromyalgia have an intolerance to either heat or cold. Mine just happens to be heat and I live in the middle of the desert.

Go figure. 

Chronic pain is really a reality all unto itself. Even the simplest of tasks tend not to be simple anymore. Any decisions that are to be made tend to be made from the chronic pain vantage point. We can't make any concrete plans because they may have to be changed due to the levels of pain that we might be experiencing on any given day. 

When the body and the brain talk to each other neurotransmitters are used to communicate. Every little transmitter is balanced by another so we don't look so good on that front. Just another lovely little item that is out of balance with our lovely little syndrome. For instance, when you touch a trigger or tender point on a healthy person they might not have much of a response. Now try that on someone who has Fibromyalgia. I can just see anyone who has it either nodding or smiling because they know just what is going to happen.

Anyway, back to the humidity. I've realized that I have a talent. Did you know that I can feel every little minute rise in barometric pressure? With every little move up the pain steadily gets worse. Plus, the noise from the fourth of July really got to me. 

Really?

Surely, I jest.

Well, let's look at the sudden rise in temperature. We went from about 101 degrees to 117. That in itself is enough to cause one hell of a flare. 

Strike One.

Once we got through with that there is a rise in barometric pressure due to the storm front moving in. 

Strike Two.

So the wind is picking up, the humidity is rising and there could be, "a stray thunderstorm" tomorrow and through the weekend.

Strike Three.

So, as I go down for the count I want to introduce a new symptom.

I call it the Eighteen Wheeler Manifestation.

In other words,

Hit again by the proverbial Mack Truck.

I've been hit so much lately I don't even bother to look for the license plate number.

MY ATTITUDE IS IN THE TOILET

Rain is coming and I can feel it.

When I'm in pain I have a very low tolerance level.

Very low.

Like in none.

I've always loved being in sales which is pretty funny because I have a real cynical view of human nature. I love being around people but I'm also not surprised when they go off the deep end or act like a two year old. My personality is pretty strong and my friends either appreciate that fact or are themselves real strong. I've never understood game playing or acting like a baby. My friends are wonderful; even those friends that I've never met face to face. There is a strength of will that is there even through those times where they are curled up in pain or at their weakest point. We may have a very low pain threshold but we most definitely do not have a low pain tolerance. 

I've always said that Fibromyalgia is not an illness for sissies.

The rain is coming and I can feel it. My hands are starting to throb and the aches are starting to build. What makes it worse is that I'm a little stressed and that doesn't help at all. I'm still trying to find my zen place but, now, I've got all these little annoyances around me. They're like pesky little flies that I want to swat. It falls under stupid little games that I didn't even play as a teenager. In one respect it's annoying and on the other it's laughable.

Anyway, back to feeling like cow plop.

I went to the holiday support group holiday luncheon and most of us are in the same boat. I started thinking. Light and sound sensitivity. Pain and fatigue. Is it seasonal or just that the cold weather has really started to set in? I wish this was a simple "syndrome" where an aspirin and a good nights sleep would fix what ails us. The flares are tough. Real tough.


I've learned that I have to live with only a certain amount of marbles in the jar. Every act and every stressful moment takes marbles out of the jar. I have to be careful of my reserves and be mindful of the acts that do that. Managing my life's physical and emotional needs takes a great amount of discipline. I need to take the fact that this is chronic; not only keep that fact in my head but in my heart. I really have to get it together.

Actually the pain is really starting to piss me off.

I guess I need to get a better attitude. If it really reflected the pain I feel right now the toilet would be a step up. I get really tired of having to take pain medication just to get to the fricking gym. I want to tell you that as much as they say that exercise helps the pain, I can say with absolute certainty that it doesn't. The only thing it's done is increase my endurance. OK.....the little side benefit of looking good in my clothes helps, but pain is pain. It hasn't gone away and I don't think it's going to.

Please don't tell me that I don't look sick. If I looked like I felt I'd scare dogs and little children. As far as the exercise goes, I've almost fallen asleep on the treadmill. I especially like the way I feel afterwards. I feel like roadkill. When people think that Fibromyalgia can't be that bad I'd like to tell them to give someone a baseball bat and have them beat the hell out of them every day and then tell me it can't be that bad.

It is what it is what it is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

that this is not the time to irritate me.

Patience has never been my long suit.

It certainly isn't now.

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS ALWAYS GET ME DOWN

I just can't seem to catch a break.

It's raining again.

Ow.

I feel like my whole life is on hold again. I just don't want to do anything when the pain level is going past voodoo. On a scale from one to ten, I just blew past 11. For some reason the last few days have been REAL BAD. I'll bet they can hear the howl on the other side of the valley.

I had to run out to Williams Sonoma (yeah, tough errand) and I got some cooking clay for chicken. My daughter and I have fond memories of this clay pot that I'd make dinner in and now she can play with clay herself. I didn't want to go out at all. I dropped it off at her house, smiling like I didn't have a care in the world, and came home and got into bed.

And I didn't leave it.

I'm feeling fragmented and raw again. There's something about pain that puts me right back into feeling "not good enough." I tried walking on the treadmill but after stopping every two to three minutes, I just gave up. The problem is that I set a goal for myself. I'm typical Type A squared and it feels like I'm falling short of the high standards that I set for myself. I'm so self-critical and I'm tired of having impossibly high standards that I fail to reach.

Why am I doing this to myself again?

I'm starting to go into think mode and that's a dangerous place for me to be. I analyze, over analyze, over analyze it again, beat it into the ground, bury it, resurrect it and then start the process all over again. 

See?

I even drive myself crazy.

What is it about pain that starts the regression? Is it the pain or the realization that it will always be with me? Last night about 3 o'clock I was awake and praying that I could find a baseball bat to take to my legs and praying that the roller coaster would stop and I could get off. I can't describe this sensation except that it's like a spring tightening until it almost breaks and then it lets go. The trouble is that it keeps doing that over and over again. That doesn't even count what my hands are doing. 

I've used the essential oils, been in the jetted tub, I've rubbed Topricin on my legs, I've taken the pain medication and muscle relaxers.........zip, nada, zilch.

I think I'm just tired.

And there are pretty puffy clouds forecast for the next few days.

I keep looking around for the license number of that truck that hit me again.

Ow......

Ow..........

Ow........

OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOT

You'd think I'd learn.

Nope.

I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

When I started feeling like I was strong and then started spouting off about it as well, I set myself up for the Fibromyalgia to make me eat my words. It kind of falls under the category of never say never.

I wasn't disappointed.

Just when I thought that I found a place that the pain couldn't touch, well, it found its way in. It took everything I could do to continue to walk. Not only did it take every bit of concentration and a discipline I didn't know I possessed to continue but I had to wrap my ankles and feet in ace bandages. Everything felt weak and I ended up stopping every five minutes to give myself a break. 

I didn't want to write anything either.

Have you ever had so much that you wanted to say but couldn't find the words? I kept reading some of the comments that I'd gotten from the prior post. Needless to say, I was so unbelievably touched by them. If there's anything that's powerful it has to be the support of the wonderful women that respond to the posts on this blog. Whenever one of us feels like giving up or loses the will to fight, these women are right by your side to extend their hand to pull you back up. When one of us has a triumph or accomplishment they are also there to applaud.

There's power in people and friendship.


So I'm back to looking for that special place where personal power supersedes the pain. I think I've got the discipline down but what I haven't figured out is the hiding. I've got quite a few emails that I've ignored. I just don't have it in me to explain. I feels like it's just too much to put on anyone else. I know that it's just me; I'm very sure others don't feel that way but in hiding I can reclaim my balance and when it's there I will be ready to face the world again.


Why is that?


There is still a small amount of hope as I write this. I need to get out but at least I'm still continuing to move. I'm hoping the weather will break and the fall weather will set in. I do pretty well in the fall and winter. I know that the cold weather really bothers some people with Fibromyalgia but I seem to thrive in it. It's the heat and humidity that does me in......make that heat and/or humidity. Any combination messes me up. Even when the weather is good I still wake up feeling like the Tin Man who hasn't gotten a shot from the oil can.


Creaky joints and aching muscles: such and attractive package, isn't it?


I just think it's so funny (well, not funny) that when I start feeling a little strong, I have to go and open my mouth and announce it. I should have waited and reevaluated myself after a few weeks. This way I wouldn't feel as stupid. It's like praying and asking God for patience. You just don't do that because you've set yourself up for a real doozy of a test.


So it's not as bad as it could be.


It's not as bad as it has been.


But it's still not what it should be.


I don't think I should start singing "Eye of the Tiger" just yet.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

What an ordeal.

It's still humid.

I still hurt.

I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't even believe how bad and intense the pain has been this time around. This reminds me of when I first got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. The pain blew past voodoo and settled firmly into OMG-MAKE IT STOP!

The pain was staggering.

I've spent the last few days between muscle relaxers and pain medication. I've continued to walk even though it's taken oxycodone to do it. I became reclusive and silent again, simply because the pain took precedence.


Lately it has hurt to move, it hurts to get out of bed, it hurts to put your feet on the floor, it hurts to stand up, it hurts to sit down, it hurts to lie down, it hurts to walk, it hurts to type, it hurts to move your hands and it even hurts to think.

So now what to do?

It's still humid and the pain level has come down slightly. It was at 9 and right about now I'd say it's about a 7 and a half. I never thought I'd be grateful for the pain level but I am grateful for every little tick downward. 

There are more thunderstorms forecast so I'm on high alert. The humidity is notorious for wreaking havoc on my system and it's hovering around 70%. The storms have been very strong and there could be more of the same for tonight.

You know what they say.

When you can see the light at the end of the tunnel....

It's probably the train coming at you.............

Full speed.

WHO AM I AGAIN?

I thought I had it all figured out.

Now, I have to keep asking myself.

Just who am I again?

When the voodoo pain hits all progress that I've made seems to go right out the window. I start doubting myself and my ability to cope with the pain. I crawl right back into the lovely little shell that insulates me from probing questions and comments as to just how bad I'm feeling at that particular moment. I hate answering the questions and when I do make some sort of half-baked comment, I feel like I'm whining.

No sniveling allowed.

I had that sign in my office. I always hated people that came in and you just knew that it was going to be a disaster. I put the sign up (before management made me take it down) to head them off at the pass.

It didn't work for them and it's not working for me.

I'm sniveling.

Or, at least it feels like it.

So, it's back to the same old crap. Why are their such peaks and valleys or is it just me? I was just beginning to feel like my old Type A self and then I got slammed. It's probably because I had a lot to do this week. Then I got an inflamed gum and so it will be a call to the dentist as well.

Geez, let's just pull out that old tiara again!

It's been a real long time since I've had the kind of pain I'm experiencing today. I've started sucking down the pain medication because I just can't fight it. Plus, it's raining so the humidity is off the charts. 

Let's add this up.

Rain.

Humidity.

Trip to the dentist.

Antibiotics.

All this adds up to voodoo pain.

Today, I am going to put the covers over my head.

And I can't find anything to say that will make it all better.

Even poor, sweet baby won't work.

PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE OXYCODONE

It's humid.

I hurt.

I've tried everything.

I hope I don't sound like I'm being flip about the Lord. That wasn't my intention when I decided to write this post. It's just that I've tried just about everything, including prayer, but the pain is spiraling out of control. Las Vegas, in the summer, is like living three inches away from the sun. Even if you like the heat, which I don't, when the thermometer reads 117 you start to melt. Just point your hair dryer at your face and you've got a pretty good idea what it feels like.

Then.

The extreme heat starts to abate a little bit and the monsoon season hits. The temperature is somewhat livable but the humidity starts to creep up to 30% and above and I feel every degree of that movement. My body doesn't do well in this type of weather. Why does the weather affect my body so much? I used to laugh at people that said their arthritis would act up and they knew it was going to rain. Let me tell you, I don't laugh anymore. Is it because our bodies have a high water content? Is that why we're affected by atmospheric conditions? All I know is that my body feels like it's going into rigor mortis and it's not a pleasant feeling.  I've thought about massage but the thought of anyone touching me right now is enough to make me scream. It's a triad of heat, humidity and PAIN.

So let me give you the current weather forecast:

Cloudy and humid with rapidly developing whining, crying and complaining.

So this means that I take the pain medication before the "ow" that I now feel becomes a resonating howl that can be heard throughout the valley. I have tried to keep positive thoughts and talk myself out of the pain but you can't talk yourself out of chronic pain no matter what some people say. I only wish it were that simple. The only thing you can do is find the way to best manage your life so that you can deal with the life sentence you were handed.

Then.

Let's throw in some stress.

Stress doesn't help things at all and tomorrow will be a stress filled day. I have a lot to do and coupled with the humidity it's going to be a barometric free-for-all kind of day. Not pretty at all and I'm not looking forward to it. I won't feel guilty that I can't manage to find a zen place and talk myself out of this pain. I have read all the books that tell me I can cure Fibromyalgia by supplements and by positive thoughts. I will take it one day at a time and do what I can do for me; not for what others tell me I can do. I realize that I am a Type A personality and nothing I can do will turn me into a Type B and my management of this illness needs to be tailored to my personality. 

I just can't be accepting and meek about this illness. 

I really do admire people that wouldn't recognize stress if it jumped up and bit them. 

They just go with the flow and life's a song. 

My songs?

Let's try Running on Empty........

Or maybe Crash and Burn.........

I'll let you know tomorrow.

THE FIREWORKS INSIDE

July 4th.

A day of independence.
Except for some.

For those with chronic pain or illness, independence day is a day of dreams. We all know what it means historically for our great nation but in the back of our minds we wish it meant we were free of the shackles of pain.

The heat has been unbearable and now thunderstorms are rolling through the valley. It's great to have a break from extreme heat but the humidity is hovering around 48% and I'm feeling it. I figured I'd better write while I can because my hands are in agony and the rest of my body will soon follow.

I used to love watching the fireworks but for some reason the noise is bothering me. 

Great. 

Is there anything that doesn't bother me anymore?

I'm at the mercy of my body and tonight it's turning on me big time. I'm rubbing my hands because they hurt so bad right now. When the humidity rises my attitude falls into the toilet. Not only does my attitude fall but I'm watching a Lyrica commercial. I don't care how many times I see that stupid commercial my reaction is still the same. I want to throw something at the TV. I want them to show someone curled up in the fetal position crying because of the pain. Having a woman lightly grimace when she rubs her shoulder makes it seem that the pain is a pesky little fly that can be flicked off her shoulder.

Yeah, right.

Tell that to me in a few hours when I'm wide awake because the pain medication isn't working. I'd get in the bathtub but it's been over 110 degrees so hot bath sounds icky. Finding my zen place isn't working either. I'm going to find some sort of acceptance that I can do nothing about it right now. I've taken my pain medication but during the writing of this post I've gone from a dull ache to downright voodoo-oh-my-god pain. 

So it's back to the three little words that can describe me.

Ow.

Ow. 

Ow.

Did anyone get the license plate of the truck that hit me?

EMBRACING THE BEAST

It's been raining for the last couple of days.
That means the pain has been with me.
My constant friend.  
My unwanted companion.

I got up early this morning after tossing and turning most of the night. My daughter, son-in-law (almost) and I went to church so they could view the pastor that they wanted to officiate their  wedding  ceremony. The chairs weren't real comfortable and I still find it hard to sit for any length of time. I must have looked weird squirming in my chair for the hour and a half. To top it off I wasn't sitting at the end so I could get up and move around. The good part is that the choir singing Christmas carols was beautiful and inspiring. The bad part is by the time I was able to get up and move around I was in real pain.

In the midst of aching, debilitating pain it's tough to dig down deep and find that tiny spark of faith. The good thing was that I was in the perfect place to find it. I had my family and one of my best friends with me. I still struggle with the idea that this is a permanent way of life and I still don't like it. I have all kinds of feelings today but the one I didn't expect to find and did was peace. 

I understand that things will not always be what I want them to be. Just because I ask for something doesn't always mean that I'm going to get it. Maybe that's it. Maybe, just maybe there are times when I shouldn't get all I ask for. It's called unanswered prayers. Maybe, sometimes  the best answer is no.

I've struggled all week to find the strength to write. It's been difficult to move my hands and I understand how easy it would be to tape pencils to my fingers so that they wouldn't have to touch the keyboard. I have this stubborn streak in me so I'm just taking my time and slowly hitting the keys so that I can handle the pain that simple act causes. I forget what it's like to be completely free of pain. I don't think I'd ever take that for granted again. 

I used to love the rainy, foggy days. Just going out doors and seeing the white clouds draped over the mountains was awe inspiring. I could feel the mist on my face and I loved it. I'd walk in the cool, damp weather and it would feel wonderful. I'd grab my camera and drive close to the mountains to get some shots of the clouds. I loved those days. Now, the only thing that the humidity and rain cause is fear. I know how I'm going to feel and I have to get ramped up to get through those days. I guess that you don't know what you've lost until you've lost it.

I also used to love Christmas. I say used to and that isn't accurate. I still love it but I'm a little bitter that my career has been taken from me and with it my ability to earn a pretty good living. Part of the joy of the season is buying gifts. I had so much fun going from mall to mall picking out just the right present for the people I love. I have a hard time with the fact that I no longer have the energy to do that and I also don't have the funds. I know the reason for the season isn't the gifts but I really enjoy that. I enjoy burning the candle at both ends between the gift shopping and the holiday baking. Well, zippo on that too. I need to stop beating myself up with things I can't change. I really need to stop. I have battles to fight and I can't win them all so I need to put them on a priority basis. In other words, I need to pick my battles.

So as the holiday season approaches I'm going to stop asking for the pain to go away. I want my joy back.

What I'm going to ask for instead is to make me stronger than the pain.

(well, a trunk full of hundreds wouldn't be bad either...)