Now that I’ve experienced first hand what Warhol meant when he said, “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes”, well if we take ‘world’ to mean something relative to the size of my own backyard, and ‘famous’ to mean largely unknown, allow me to share some tips with you on having your very own day in the sun.
But first, before I outline my Five Simple Steps to Fame guide, I shall provide you with some motivation to actually follow it, by way of highlighting how my life has changed, for the better.
For starters, I now have a beret.
And I have an illegal immigrant worker, who was a lawyer in their homeland but is now being paid enough in potatoes to feed their entire family, doing my typing for me. Their six-year-old daughter is also acting as my PA, fetching me coffees of a morning, whiskey in the evening (I’ve given up on the beer as apparently it is considered déclassé in some fame circles) and ink for my quill whenever I demand.
I also have my mother acting as my manager, who is currently developing some very interesting marketing ideas around using The Boy as a human sandwich board to advertise my services on the side of the major arterial road we happen to live on. Resourceful woman, to say the least.
So, sounding like the kind of lifestyle for you? Have you
read Karl Marx, and taught yourself to dance?
Are you the best by far?
But do you keep asking the question – You know, the one you’re not supposed to mention?
When will I, will I be famous?
Well, stop asking, because I can answer that.
1. Perform a ‘bedroom favour’
This is a tactic made most famous by Monica Lewinsky, so you won’t score points for originality. And given it is unlikely you will have access to a President’s nether regions, you may not achieve the same level of status as Lewinsky either, that being known the world over for highlighting the apparent distinction between having a cigar tube shoved up your vajayjay and ‘sex proper’.
Lewinsky; best known for something 'not that great'
In any case, this is certainly not the type of tactic that is going to work unless you can at least gain access to a famous persons body part, preferably one that is still attached. There is no point filming yourself having ‘improper relations’ with Barry from the local pub and popping it up on YouTube if you are really looking to become known to a broader circle than that of Barry’s mates.
It is worth noting however, that this particular path to fame is perilous, and in the words of Monica Lewinsky, you are in danger of being “known for something that’s not so great to be known for.”
But remember – its being known that counts.
2. Do it rhyme
Arguably, Morris Minor and the Majors did this best with Stutter Rap, but it also worked for Carl Douglas when he fashioned this fine verse for Kung Fu Fighting, combining rhyming dexterity with historical and cultural observations of the role of a ‘Chop Suey’ in China’s hierarchical class system:
They were funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It’s an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip
And to a lesser extent by Billy Ray Cyrus, who technically side stepped rhyme convention when he invented the word “breaky” to rhyme with “achy”. However, it would be my advice to ‘play by the rules before you break the rules’ and stick to rhyming real words together, at least until you have grown a mullet worthy for fame in its own right
Mullet Man
I would even go so far as to say that if it is real notoriety you are after don’t stick to rhyming in a pop song, and instead aim to become known for rhyming every spoken word you utter. Start practising at home with things like, “Yo, you want dinner? Cuz I’m a cooking winner”. Just for example. Remember; Practice makes perfect. Or rather; practice, and you’ll be sharper than a cactus.
3. Exploit your child
Again, you would hardly be the first so don’t expect points for innovation, but with this tactic, the sky is the limit – as demonstrated by the American family that claimed their child was captive to a run away, or rather, fly away, home made helium balloon.
Homemade, how did you guess?!
The whole charade was found to be an elaborate hoax when the child said to his parents, during a live national TV interview that, “You guys said that, um, we did this for the show”, thus immortalising the Heene families 15 minute of fame in a Wikipedia page.
But if it is real longevity you are after, perhaps take a leaf out of the Campbell family’s book, who made worldwide headlines over a run in with their local supermarket bakery, who refused to print their child’s name, Adolf Hitler, on the icing of his birthday cake. For not only did this carefully crafted media stunt earn them international recognition, but also promoted their neo Nazi agenda, which is just the kind of view that needs to be given a greater platform if we really are to race head first into human depravity.
So in taking this route, remember the added bonus that can come with marrying it to an off political agenda.
4. Remodel your face
A costly avenue, as demonstrated by most recent Plastics Queen Heidi Montag (known to have undergone 10 plastic surgery procedures in just one day) who has had so much work done that it is rumoured to have set her back over half a million dollars.
But this is an avenue that need not be just a matter of wasted expenditure on typical silicone insertions, as shown by this man:
Teflon head
Who ingeniously had Teflon inserted into his head in his quest to look like the devil, which in these recession prone times really is the kind of dual outlay more people should be thinking of, because if the *fun* of imitating the devil ever wears off, Gavin Paslow stands to come into a steady supply of Teflon that can be used to fashion some kitchen appliances from.
The other beauty of this option is that you can come into fame quickly simply from choosing a famous figure, modern or mythical, and sculpt yourself until you mirror them, or failing that, a circus freak show, either will work, as you can see by the example set by this woman:
World famous freakshow
(source)
5. Have a lobotomy and go on a reality show
Or better yet, pitch a new reality series where you have your lobotomy procedure performed LIVE on the show, then afterwards continue filming yourself, and all the other contestants who have also have their lobotomies performed live, sitting around in the common room of the psych ward taking part in the Drooling Challenge. The first contestant whose spit breaks mid air will be eliminated.
Powerful viewing certain to launch you into the celebrity stratosphere, although comes with the unfortunate downside of leaving you permanently incapacitated, possibly hampering your ability to enjoy your newfound fame.
Please Note – all of the tips above come with the following warning: fame of the 15 minute variety may be short lived
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