Paperback 671: Mistress of Falconhurst / Lance Horner (Fawcett Gold Medal X3315)

Paperback 671: Fawcett Gold Medal X3315 (PBO, 1973)

Title: Mistress of Falconhurst
Author: Lance Horner
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: Not for Sale (gift to the collection from Laurie Gagne)


Best things about this cover:

• You had me at Mandingo-font.
• Antebellum Lambada!
• His left hand is terrifying.

Best things about this back cover:

• "Did we mention MANDINGO? MANDINGO!"
• What kind of hell-on-earth do you have to create in order to become "the South's most notorious slave plantation"? Don't answer.
• "Sometimes it was hard to tell who was master and who was slave." — when I'm trying to tell master from slave, I use this simple heuristic: the slave is the black one.
• For some reason the phrase "... as only Lance Horner can tell it" is making me LOL.

Page 123~

He put his left arm around Djoubo's naked waist and drew him close, hefting his huge genitals in his right hand.

This is — swear to god — the least offensive thing on this page. What the hell, 1970s readers?

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 532: Venus Examined / Robert Kyle (Fawcett Crest M1228)

Paperback 532: Fawcett Crest M1228 (1st ptg, 1969)

Title: Venus Examined
Author: Robert Kyle
Cover artist: photo

Yours for: $5


Best things about this cover:

• I think she's consoling him, or apologizing for having gotten him involved in this demeaning research. "I'm sorry, honey. They didn't say anything about probes or electrodes on the fliers. Just breathe."
• "first-rate story telling" looks lifted from a longer, not-so-complimentary sentence. Shouldn't "F" be capitalized? And shouldn't storytelling be one word? And isn't it remarkable that I'm fixated on matters of punctuation and spelling when there are naked people on my paperback cover. As a general rule, if your naked people fail to hold my fixed, rapt attention, then your cover is a Fail.
• Robert Kyle was the (pen) name of the author of this awesome-looking book. Wonder if it's the same guy. What a shame to go from having your books look so completely awesome to having them look like this. "Sex made Tom and Linda sad..."

Best things about this back cover:

• Oooh, *color* film! You don't say! Lah-di-dah...
• I sure hope the answers to these questions are yes, yes, and yes, or I'm going to be as sad as those people on the cover.
• "College students and prostitutes" made me laugh—Copywriting room conversation: "Hey, Dan, what's the opposite of 'college students?'" "I dunno ... whores?" "Perfect."

Page 123~

His name was Woods McChesney, and unlike his furniture he himself was in pretty good shape, a neat little suit, neat tie, neat mustache.

I now want to name *everything* 'Woods McChesney.'

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 411: Modesty Blaise / Peter O'Donnell (Fawcett/Crest R899)

Paperback 411: Fawcett/Crest R899 (1st ptg, 1966)

Title: Modesty Blaise
Author: Peter O'Donnell
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $15


Best things about this cover:

• I challenge the spy-worthiness of those boots. Everything else is sleek and pragmatic (even the pile of hair, which could be hiding, I don't know, throwing stars or a bottle opener or something), but those heels wouldn't last 10 seconds in Abbottabad.
• She has the look of a McGinnis girl, but there's something ... not quite right. A lifelessness. I mean, I usually think McGinnis girls look a little dead-eyed, but they have a certain something that pops. This woman doesn't have it.
• This is a movie tie-in paperback. Movie is apparently a kind of spoof of spy movies. The "Modesty Blaise" franchise is weird. Starts in comics (as a female alternative to 007), and blows up from there.
• As for the background—looks like something borrowed from a kindergarten classroom. What the hell?

Best things about this back cover:

• Her expression in that second drawing. Is she flipping a man and singing "My Prerogative" at the same time? Impressive.
• Wow, this cover copy is leaden. Not campy, not funny, not outlandish—just predictable and stupid.
• "Dirk Bogarde" will now be added to my long list of potential aliases.

Page 123~

"Yet she's all woman," Hagan said, and felt his loins throb with sudden memory of her.

I don't think that's quite how loins work. Even a 16-yr-old isn't going to go from zero to "throb" at the speed of thought.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 22

Title: You'll Like My Mother (Fawcett T1418, 1969)
Author: Naomi A. Hintze
Cover artist: Harry Bennett

Yours for: $5

• "I think I *will* like your mother. She sounds ho- ... whoa! Is that her? Oh ... man. I, uh, I have this thing I have to go to now. Band practice, I think."
• MILF! (Mom I'd Like to Flee)
• "Maybe if I hide under this giant Fabio wig, mom won't see me..."

• Dear Best Sellers, "THEY" has no antecedent. Thank you.
• We need to revive the word "CHILLER-DILLER"
• Book-of-the-Month Club News is creeping me out with its metaphors. "It's like watching a demonic baby emerge from the birth canal. You'll love it."

Page 123~

In my mind's eye I fixed a firm picture of that fawn-and-brown cat catching that one gray rat. One rat; there were no more.

This is, by far, the most interesting thing happening on this page.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]