*Trigger notification:  conspiracy stuff as well as personal stuff.

 

Dear Mom,

The day you told me the children at Sandy Hook Elementary school were actors and that it was all a hoax and those beautiful children did not die, I knew you were lost forever.

Your lostness began sooner than that though.  I remember your phone call on 9/11.  At first you were scared to death.   We’re under attack, we’re under attack!  Not long after you started to reveal the truth and started to repeat 9/11 conspiracy theories to me out loud.

Your lostness began sooner than that though.

You may not know this about me mom but most of my life I’ve wanted to rescue you.  And there was a time I felt so very frustrated with myself that I couldn’t reach you.  I exhausted myself trying to find a path to reach you.  I didn’t know that you were unreachable.  A part of me still thinks you can be reached.  Intellectually I know better.  Emotionally I still hope.  My therapist is helping me let go of that emotional hope.  She tells me I get it intellectually.  She tells me I’ve got that part all figured out.  The emotional part needs work.  I know you would be absolutely insulted that I wanted to rescue you.  Yes mom I know, you don’t need rescuing.

You may not know this mom but I’ve often blamed myself for not fighting back.  For not sitting down on that computer and showing you sites that debunk your conspiracy beliefs.  For not sitting down and untangling this mess.  Why did I not fight back?  Why didn’t I try harder?  Also, why didn’t I break total contact with you?  Therapy is helping me with these questions.  I actually did fight back.  I did try harder.  And for a time I did break contact.  Today I am tired.  Today I’ve stopped trying.  Today I do understand that the fight, the trying, the distance . . . did not change your beliefs or your personality.  It also didn’t change how you love.  Today I have some contact with you.   Today I am strong enough to have some contact with you and not beg some doctor or therapist as a result, to put me into a psyche ward because I must be crazy.

And now the Covid-19 hoax.  You’re locked into a long-term care facility and all visitors are restricted unless you are dying.  Only one of us can come in if you are dying.  Over the years you have become isolated with your belief and your constant evangelizing.  Your family limits their interaction because when they leave you or hang up the phone they are sorrowfully lost and depressed.

My goodness how your heart must break that we don’t believe you and you can’t reach us.  Oddly mom, my heart breaks in return for the very same reason.  It’s a terrible tug-of-war.

I was thinking about some other families who get to visit on the phone, or by online chat during this difficult time.  They can talk about the good old days and share happy memories.  Phone calls with you are only your overt conspiracy theories and how if we just believed like you we’d see it’s all going to be okay.  Gates and Soros sprayed poison over certain cities.  It’s a world-wide thing to control the population.  Only the immunocompromised will die.  It will only last for two weeks then everything will be wonderful.  Better than ever.  Just hang on.  You’ll see.

I love you mom.