Tag Archives: humanity

conspiracy, Politics, QAnon and others

Laugh, Cry …

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I first heard about The Galactic Federation from mom years ago. She’s always believed in aliens but in her younger years tried to be coy about the discussion by bringing up famous people who believed, like Shirley MacLaine. She was testing the waters, so-to-speak.

I was trying to sort out when I first heard her use the term The Galactic Federation. I believe it was just before Obama became President. He was one of them she said.

One of who? I asked.

The aliens.

Obama is an alien?

Yes.

How do you know?

Cheshire cat grin, buggy eyes . . . I know.

Who told you he’s an alien?

They did.

Who is they?

Won’t answer.

He’s here to make everything okay. He’s one of the good ones.

The good ones.

So when is this happening?

She mumbles December. (This would be in his first term.)

Eight years later, after serving two terms as President, I ask why Obama never revealed himself as the alien brought here to save humanity.

Humanity wasn’t ready. There were too many obstacles in the way.

Technically, humanity didn’t have their shit pulled together enough to receive known alien connections. In the meantime, they exist amongst us working as light warriors waiting for humans to evolve enough that we’ll accept them when they show themselves.

I woke up today to see this Twitter parody. Sometimes I have to force myself to laugh these days.

Saw this, this morning as well.

Aging, Agnosticism/Atheism, American Billboards, Blogging, Christian Years, Christianity, conspiracy, Emotions, Healing, Heretic Years, Humanist, Islam, Leaving Christianity, Life, Pain, Personal Memoirs, Personal Recovery, Politics, QAnon and others, Salvation Seasons, Secular Wings, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk, Zoe's favourites

In case anyone else wants to know where I’m coming from, where I’ve been and where I’m headed.

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Violet: “If I were asked which country in the world hates the US the most, I would have to say it’s Canada.”

Zoe:  I would say if I was asked, the U.S. does a fine job of hating itself and one another.  Then maybe China and North Korea might hate you more than Canadians.  Of course, I don’t know which Canadians or Canadian bloggers you are referring too.

Violet:  “I don’t know why, but it seems it’s a Canadian religion to bash Americans every chance they get. You know what’s odd? I almost never hear of Americans having vitriol for our neighbors North of the boarder.”

Zoe:  Almost never but sometimes?

Violet:  “I notice that you never talk about your own country on this blog, but persistently harp on every flaw Americans have. I’ve read many Canadian blogs but have had to bow out of all of them for this same reason.”

Zoe:  I gave up talking about my own country when my adult children assumed positions in the community and province that would expose them if people knew who their mom was and what she was writing online.  That’s also when I chose the option for search engines to ignore my blog.  I also moved here to this new url (14 years ago according to my WordPress Anniversary notice last week) when I made those decisions.  Up and until then I was followed by bloggers all over the world in the Christian community.  During that time I spoke up politically about Canada frequently as it pertained to religion, not just Christianity but often involving Islam.  I wrote frequently about honour killings and wrote a long article encouraging a former Premier to outlaw Sharia law.  The next day he did.  Did he see my article?  I don’t know.   The point being I was a prolific writer and at that time unafraid in regards to my government.  I have been a political person my entire life, having written to my Canadian government during my college years as well as being outspoken in the community, medical and educational system.  I’ve also had politicians in my family.  It’s in me.  As well I have been an advocate for the abused outside the church, for those with special needs, for those who are dying and in the mental health field.  At one point, I became very concerned about exposure and people figuring out who Zoe was/is.  I also developed a fear because I was outspoken regarding Islam and the honour killings happening here.  I was brave then.  I’m not now.  And though I wrote about this in a previous blog and during my busier blogging days, I was scared to death of a former friend’s “lover” who at one time was involved with (removed as this info. can still trigger me).  Shortly after being verbally and abusively in written form, attacked by her, my husband had to pick me up off the floor from being shattered in a million pieces as she told me I was an abomination to the Lord and responsible for raising and immoral and corrupt generation of children.  Narcissists love to hit you where your strengths are.  Meanwhile she’s carrying on an affair with a converted preacher (removed this info. as it is still triggering) guy.  But I’m the abomination.  And just sharing that there is too much information to put in a blog.

In my 30’s I fought for my life with severe illness, spending almost 2 years in bed, only later to be hospitalized and fighting for my life sick with intestinal disease as well as battling a body and mind that were deteriorating.  If I’m not mistaken, you suffer as well.  In my 40’s I began to deconstruct my religion and belief system understanding that I was falling apart emotionally and mentally due to Christian abuse and felt the extreme weight of guilt and shame for having taken part in it, raising my children in it, losing friends over it and being active in youth ministry.   As well, I began to develop deep understanding of the roots of original trauma from my youth.  I’ve never been the same since.  This blog is read by maybe 6 people though all kinds of people *follow* it and commenting here is at a minimum.  You have been privy I believe to some of my password protected posts and know some of the shit I’ve been through.  You also know I’m not a human being who ignores the humanity of other people.

Violet:  “We’re PEOPLE, Zoe. Just people, trying to get through our day despite being ruled by an imperfect government. Just like everyone else on earth.”

Zoe:  On the night I posted David Frum’s Twitter message, I had been texting my close friend who is American and lives in Michigan.  She told me she was terribly depressed about the U.S. President, the postal service debacle, and told me “Don’t come here, it’s awful!”  She forgot that we can’t go there as our border is not open.  My point being, she was terribly upset and in the years I’ve known her I have not heard her admit to this kind of depression.  I tried to lift her spirits and planned to talk to her the next day.  And so I did for several hours.  She kept asking why these people in the U.S. believed Trump.  How can they not see he’s lying, his narcissism, his cruelty.  We talked about David Frum’s Twitter message.  I found it interesting, so I posted it.  She hesitated to talk about the QAnon stuff because she knows it triggers me and I told her we both could talk about it since we both were upset about it.  I don’t go on and on in writing anymore Violet.  I’m tired.  I’m no longer going to invest in the behind the scenes explanations.  No one reads here because I write great instructive exposes on anything.  This is like a personal diary that I sometimes write poorly in and for the most part anyone that reads here and sometimes comments here has done so with grace.  I suspect many have moved on.   And that’s not a problem with me.  Every day I think about moving on too.  Often I can’t even form sentences anymore.  I might start something and not bother with commentary on it.  I’m just putting it here for something to do.

Anything I write regarding the U.S. is because I’m fucking shitless scared of the world we are living in.  Yes Violet, I’m a people too.  And yes, the U.S. is a big part of my life from the time my ancestors landed on your eastern shores.  The branch I was in stayed loyal to the throne and headed north.   Others stayed south.  In doing so, some of my ancestors died before they got here.  They were considered traitors.  Some of my ancestors came up the St. Lawrence and participated in establishing a Christian religion and nation by eliminating Indigenous peoples all in the name of Christ.

The U.S. Southern Baptists highly influenced the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church here in Canada and to tell you the truth, the U.S. was the bees knees and we were beneath them when it came to the one true religion.  Our speakers on creationism, evolution, abortion and demonic activity travelled from the U.S. to tell us all about it.  The gospel groups came from the U.S. to sing their praises.  Our printed materials for Sunday School came from the U.S.  to indoctrinate our children.  Our youth programming came from the U.S.  Seminars and mission events were held in the U.S.  We were inundated with the U.S. conservative evangelical movement and when the church growth movement started, we did it too.  During my short stint in Bible College some of our full-time profs were Americans.

We have friends and family in the U.S.  By the way, the U.S. family are very conservative and think we Canadians aren’t the sharpest tools in the tool chest.  Talk about vitriol.

When I came online in 2001 , to forums looking for help with spiritual abuse I knew not one Canadian.  When I started blogging a few years later, I still did not know one Canadian blogger.  When it came to Christian blogs they were American.  I literally lived in the American Christian world day and night online.  The books I read were written my American authors.  The forums were run by Americans.  It formed my world view both religiously and politically.  And though when I deconstructed what I use to believe I slowly left that world with as much grace as I could knowing that once again I was disappointing people I had networked with for years.

When I started writing as an agnostic and then an agnostic atheist I found only one online atheist woman and she was American.  She stopped blogging years ago.   Later I found John Loftus’s blog and though it was way out of my league that’s where I started to learn of others who had left Christianity and were blogging about it.  Then over the years, ex-Christian blogs blew up all over the place and guess what?  All American.  I was still fully engaged in the U.S. as we all wrote about, commented on and discussed leaving the faith.  I think a few other Canadians were in the mix but I no longer know as I myself don’t read hardly any blogs.  If you look at my list of blog sites, almost all of them are dormant as many people aren’t blogging anymore.  I still leave some of their blogs listed just in case by chance someone pops in here looking for information and maybe then they can find stuff that will help them with their doubt and changing beliefs.  Maybe they won’t feel so alone.

So I’ve just sat around in here, though less and less as the years pass by, toying a bit  I suppose with what might have been or what should have been.   Then Covid-19 startled not only me, but you and an entire universe with traumatic changes.  I decided to try and develop a cohesive way of learning about QAnon and trying to understand mom so that every single time I am in touch with her I am not literally slain and knocked off my feet for days, weeks &/or months at a time.  And I’m sorry but I can’t talk about QAnon without talking about the U.S. President, his government and the people who believe it.  And yes, we have QAnon here in Canada but every bit of mom’s stuff comes from U.S. websites.  So I am pissed beyond measure.  I’ve been traumatized since Trump came down the escalator.  I’m not the only one.  And yes I know people are dying and starving and killing one another and despairing.  I bloody well know that Violet.  And though you aren’t reading this, I’m content to know you’ve moved on because this blog doesn’t meet your expectations anymore.  Hell, it doesn’t meet mine, apart from the fact that I can come in here because it is my blog and prattle on about what ever it is that is making me sick to my stomach at the moment.

Violet:  “I initially came to this blog because we both had similar experiences of being beaten down by religion. Religion was something I was born into and had no control over when I was a child. Now I’m leaving this blog because because I’m being beaten down for being American…something I was also born into and have no control over. You can say I’m taking things too personally, but when I read post after post of hatred toward the US, I feel unwelcome here.”

Zoe:  You can take it personally.  If there’s anything I’ve learned now by age 64 is that a woman has every right to take whatever it is that she finds offensive and hateful and leave.  I don’t hate the U.S. Violet.  That is over the top.  It’s because I care that I’m angry, scared and traumatized by what’s going on.   I am taking what is going on in the U.S. personally.  You want to blame me for hating the U.S. go ahead.  I only hate Trump and the goons who once ran against him and all said on tape that he was terrible in every way shape or form.  Now they have bowed down to him and kissed his ass.  Yes, I take that personally because as the U.S. goes often the world goes and it damn well affects/effects Canadians too.  As well, right from the start, what is going on in the U.S. government reminds me hook, line and sinker of my days in church.  Is this all stuff for a therapist?  Yup.

Violet:  “I wish you only the best on your journey. My journey leads me elsewhere now.”

Zoe:  Okay.  You may feel unwelcome here.  I would never dispute what you feel.  For the sake of people who may read here and wonder, people who have the password to my password protected posts are not unwelcome and Violet, that includes you.  I don’t give my password out to just anybody.  There are people who have asked and I’ve said, no.  We are people and there’s so much more to both of us as human beings than what is shared on this one blog.

Addendum:  For those reading this, I apologize for the discomfort.  I’m feeling it too.  I do not expect anyone to feel they have to respond &/or comment.  We’re all entitled to come and go and to give voice.

“Say what you want to say and let the words fall out, honestly . . . ” (from the Brave song.)

Emotions, Life, Pain, QAnon and others, Secular Wings, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk

Sleep? Soon? Okay, now?

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In my travels I came across this article.  I have been considering leaving this blog and doing some writing about this part of my journey on a new blog.  Part of me thought maybe it doesn’t fit here.  The other part says:  Why not?  Another part of me told me it’s late, go to bed.  Over the years I’ve actually looked for sites that debunk the QAnon stuff with no luck.   This is the first one I’ve seen (though not debunking) that I can relate to, especially Deb’s story.  Uncanny how similar it is to mine.

Here is the article LINK  

We spoke to people who told us how the QAnon conspiracy theory ruined their marriage, turned their parents into completely different people, and otherwise made their lives miserable.

Mack Lamoureux

Deb’s story:  excerpts from the story

[…]

I’ve tried and tried to show her facts, only to have fake news thrown in my face. How do you disprove anything when everything that’s different from what the Q cult says is considered fake news? I asked her how she could believe someone who doesn’t even use his real name. How can you believe someone who has to have everything he says decoded by people you don’t know anything about?

Faith was her answer. Follow the plan, and you’ll see when the mass arrests happen and Trump is the unsung hero that is going to save the world.

[…]

I remember the day my mother said to me:  “Just have faith.”  “You’ll see.”

Some of Joan’s story:

[…]

There are a lot of people dealing with loved ones into Q. They all say the same thing—that you get to a point where you can no longer reason with them. One of the first things I tell people who reach out is you cannot make fun of them. You can’t criticize their beliefs. You can keep trying to show them over and over again how their beliefs are misguided, that there are all these Q predictions where the dates have come and gone and nothing has happened. You can show them these things. But the minute you try to make a judgment call or say, ‘See, look at how stupid it is. You’re an idiot,’ you know you’ll lose these people forever.

It’s been, without a doubt, the most devastating experience of my life.  […]

I remember the day I realized mom was beyond reach.  That she had closed the door and essentially she was lost forever.  The more she was ridiculed, or ignored, or challenged, the more she dug in.  It’s really not much different than the things that were once said to me about my chronic pain.  ‘Wow Zoe, you must being doing a great work for the Lord for Satan to be attacking you like that.’  Or, ‘Wow, look at how they persecute you.  That proves Christ is real.’  The more you mock her the more she believes she’s got it right.

I’ve had some doozy devastating things in my life.  This might be my most devastating one?  My trauma therapist wouldn’t like me using catastrophic language.  I’m not going to move through this without calling it as it is.  Denial never got me anywhere.  I could say instead that it is troubling.  Exhausting.  Mind-numbing.  Beyond words.  Frustrating.  Anxiety producing.  Triggering.  Never-ending.  Painful.  Depressing.   All of them.  And more.  And . . . devastating.

Breathing in for 4 counts, hold breath for 4 counts, slowly exhale for 8 counts or more.  Feel the tension fall out of the shoulders.  Breathe in again.  Feel the shoulders let go further.  Wiggle your toes.  Feel the ground.  Keep breathing.  Relax.  (Good luck.)

Now, go to bed.

Christian Years, conspiracy, Death, Emotions, Healing, Leaving Christianity, Life, Personal Recovery, Politics, QAnon and others, Secular Wings, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk

I’m a lower vibrational being . . .

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*Note:  You might not want to watch this 32 minute video.  Just me continuing on my journey.

The video:

This is not my mother.  This is what my mother believes.  This is only a hint of all of it.  She is only one person.  She indicates that she received this from The Galactic Federation and that it is only one perspective.  She claims she is not saying it is the truth or not the truth.  However,  you will hear her say towards the end that it is absolute.  That everything she is sharing is happening.  That’s another way of saying, it’s the truth.

Most of my time researching these various beliefs that mom has embraced as absolute truth, including Donald Trump, I am reminded very much of my former Christian beliefs.  My previous born-again world.  As this woman listens to the higher beings of TGF, so we Christians listened to the Holy Spirit.  We did our own channeling too.  Hearing from the third person of the God-being who was our higher being.

Years ago, I poured myself into the study of Christian cults.  It probably led me to understanding my former born-againism and how essentially it was not unlike the cults I was studying.  It would be years before I understood that I no longer saw any absolutes in literalism and just knew I needed to stop calling myself a Christian.  In the journey, we were very much abused by the church leadership as well as former Christian friends.  It was a layer of trauma that traumatized an already fragile psyche and left me studying spiritual abuse for many years.

It has taken years of therapy to get to the point of me starting to understand what trauma does to the mind and to the body.  Stepping back into material that is very triggering hasn’t been easy.  I can only do it in small chunks.

This video is just over 32 minutes and I imagine some will not listen to it and that’s okay by me.  So often, I think people minimize this kind of stuff you’ll hear in this video by people like this woman.  More and more, we hear QAnon stuff, conspiracy stuff, anti-Covid, mask and vaccine stuff and now a politician who is known for QAnon beliefs won a primary in Georgia, U.S.A.

There are similar themes.  You’ve got your good souls and your bad souls.  You’ve got invisible beings in charge.  You’ve got your ascension destination and your heavenly reward.  You’ve both got a world perspective and you both have a new earth in common.  Both have the undeniable approach to all death as just part of the Plan.  It’s just part of the whole stew that we must go through to reach our higher consciousness or our mansion in the sky.  For some evangelical Christians and Galactic Followers, Donald Trump is the bees knees.  God uses him whether we like it or not and the Galactic’s whether they like him or not, believe he’s there to break down all the programmed darkness to usher in the ascension.

And both put in a lot of time making excuses for him because, ‘Well God &/or well, The Galactic Federation.’  And heaven forbid or Neptune forbid anyone ever speaks up in a negative way either about Trump &/or the belief-systems.  If they do, they are just evil.  Like me.  :/

 

 

Christian Years, Christianity, Eve Garden God, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk

My Fault

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This is dialogue I took down yesterday morning on a recent FoxNews segment on Justice with Judge Jeanine and Franklin Graham – Samaritan’s Purse.

JJ: “Why would God allow this kind of thing to happen?”

FG: “Well I don’t think God planned for this too happen. It’s because of the sin that’s in the world judge. Man has turned his back on God and sinned and we need to ask for God’s forgiveness and that’s what Easter is all about. It’s about God so loving the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life. Jesus Christ came to save sinners. He didn’t come to condemn the world but to save the world. And if we put our faith and trust in him he’ll forgive our sins and heal our hearts and he’ll change the course of our lives. And this pandemic, this is the result of a fallen world. A world that has turned its back on God and so I would encourage people to pray and just let’s ask, let’s ask God for help.”

Perhaps I should have posted this yesterday for Palm Sunday.  In prep of course for Easter.

You are vile.  You were born in sin.  God being omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent set it up this way.  We didn’t get a say in it.  No free will here.

Yet, it’s not God’s fault.  Nope.  It’s your fault.  Mine too.  God set it up but it’s your fault, mine too.

You lousy, despicable, horrible worm-infested Zoe are responsible for this pandemic.

And the great witness of diverse Christians shout into the universe, “No, no Zoe.  You’ve got it all wrong.”  Then each of them presents “their” God.

Agnosticism/Atheism, conspiracy, Death, Emotions, Humanist, Life, Pain, Politics, QAnon and others, Trauma Talk

Anyone Here Heard of Med Beds?

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Do a search for Jared Rand.  I really don’t want to put a direct link.

This is the stuff that mom is in to.

There is not a time during my visits with her that she doesn’t bring up these med beds.  We can already cure cancer.  These beds are in the basements of hospitals just waiting to be used.  Isn’t it terrible that they use mustard gas on cancer patients.  Imagine that.  Mustard gas.  The poison they used in the war.  

This isn’t anything new really.  Way back when mom got into Sylvia Brown stuff.  Read all of her books.  Believed in her 100%.  When I would discuss with her that others had been harmed by her failed work she would tell me that those people are just evil.

Jump ahead some more years and as I’ve mentioned here before and perhaps have moved into my password-protected or private mode, The Golden Age of Gaia became her sure foundational belief.  As she talked about it with me and her sisters, I remarked that much of what she was saying reminded me of my days in the church.  That didn’t go over well.

Along the way, I picked up various phrases she would say that led me to believe she believed she was not going to die.  Ever.  There was always this edge to her that she was not leaving.  She wouldn’t have to.  The cures are there AND the alien benevolent light-bearers would over-ride the evil when humanity finally got their shit together.  Much like the Christian rapture predictors, the new agers have their end-times stuff too.  Or perhaps an easier way to look at it is to say, finally the new-times will arrive but, everything must be in order first.  So they too have their dates when the aliens are arriving or the new cures will be known or the universe will align.   Just like the rapture folk, when it doesn’t come to be they simply blame evil and wait until the next enlightened soul gets back from Neptune or Mars with a new date channeled from yet another archangel.  You get my point I’m sure.

As mom now watches those around her die, she’s still here and to her that means she’s one of the chosen.  Like the Christians who will be raptured.  Chosen.  She won’t have to die.  She won’t be caught up in the clouds like the Christians.  She’ll just be here in time to hop into a med bed pod and be regenerated.

During my recent visit with her she again just threw-out there that “it will happen.”  That’s why I’m still hanging around she’ll say.

She’s waiting.

I listen to her.  I don’t fight with her.  I don’t agree with her.  When she says I know you’ll laugh at me, I don’t laugh.  I smile.  Not because of her beliefs but because she says this a lot which tells me maybe along the way she’s wondered too if none of this makes sense.  But mom is desperate for hope and healing and she hasn’t reached it on her own or in connection with any in the family or with professionals.  She only looks at the future and cannot land in the present other than to mock that which is the present.

I tend to think my mission is to love her where she’s at.  I know what it is to be desperate and need hope and healing.  I know what it is like to have the structure all around you that was suppose to be your sure foundation, crack and crumble.  I know what it is like to scramble around in vulnerability hearing messages from other humans that tell you they’ve got the answer.  I know what it is like to feel crazy.  I know what trauma can do to you.

It’s difficult though not to try to lovingly counter her.  Any countering is seen by her as rejecting her.  Of course that’s a lot like Christianity too isn’t it.  Leave the faith and friends and family take it personally.  They reject Christ then they reject you.  Mom is like that.  She once said, “Why don’t my children believe me?”

I’d like to ask her what age she’ll chose to be when she hops back into the med bed pod.  I wonder, has she thought this through.  Would she pick 30 and have some more babies?  Would she pick 20 and chose not to ever have babies?  What if she could regenerate but we her children decided to just go ahead and finish out our days and die a natural death?  Would she be able to handle that?  What might happen if she reaches the age of 90 and just as she thinks she’s next in line for the pod, the powers that be decided there are too many others ahead of her desperate for regeneration and healing.  Children with cancers.  Wouldn’t they maybe take precedent over her?  What if there’s just too many people in line and she doesn’t get to be healed.  I shake my head a bit like I’m trying to wake up from delving into this mess.  I am curious.  But does curiosity out-weigh just letting her be and let her think she’s right.

I’ve been by the bedsides of so many people who have died.  I’ve helped so many people on their journey at the end.  I’ve listened.  I’ve chatted.  I’ve honoured wishes and advocated for people with their doctors, nurses and other hospital staff.  I never challenge their beliefs in any way.

A family member who knows I refer to myself as an atheist, marvels at how I do that?  How can someone who doesn’t believe in God help them die?  I tell her it’s not my responsibility to tell them what to believe or judge their beliefs.  I’m there to honour their journey as a fellow human on this planet.

Zero to eighty happens in a cosmic second.  I can’t change anything in between.  The in between is over. It’s gone.  I can’t vouch for the future or the after-life or what might be.  I can muse about it but my character and integrity hold me to a standard of simplicity.  If I’m with you when you die I will honour you as a human being who is here and soon won’t be.

Aging, Death, Emotions, Humanist, Life, Pain, Salvation Seasons, Secular Wings

Life. Death.

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As I walked that hall for the last time, carrying only a spartan reminder of his physical life’s belongings, I felt almost as though I was on the conveyor belt of all humanity.  The feeling of being one with I don’t know, the universal experience of existence I guess. I became one with all those who walked down those halls after the last breath.  I thought of those who I’d grown accustomed to seeing during the sojourn, knowing that some of them still here would notice now that I was not and that meant that my family member was gone.  I too had noticed when those I was use to seeing, no longer walked the halls or sat in the lounge or greeted me in our vigil to the washroom or the elevator doors.  I thought of all those who would never know that I was there before them and of those who were there before me.  I thought of all of those who are on their way.  I felt an intense and immense oneness.  Not a sense of differences.  One of sameness.  Life.  Death.  Each of us alive will die.  But to die one must first live.  The sameness ends there though.  Not one life is like another.  Not one death is the same as another.

One Thanksgiving (Canadian that is) I wandered out into our backyard to enjoy a warm October day.  As I walked from garden to garden, I was intensely aware of all the sounds around me.  The birds.  About 7 species flitting about.  The robins were relentless and several almost hit me.  This strange feeling hit me.  Back and forth they flew as though they were on a 400 series highway.  They just kept flying the same flight plan back and forth, despite my presence on their highway.  I finally decided to sit down on a ladder in one of the gardens.  Still they kept going back and forth and I continued to duck thinking it’s going to hurt when they hit me.  But we never collided.  Not physically.  They’d come so close and at the last possible moment, or so it seemed to me, they’d tilt to the right like a fighter jet and miss me.  During this time I had this experience when I suddenly felt I was no longer a human and the birds were not longer birds.  We were all one.  Alive in those moments and I guess also one with the universal experience of existence, I guess.  Again, oneness.   Sameness.  I almost felt as though the moment was calling me to stay on that plain of awareness.  I tried to linger there as long as I could.  Some people would call it a moment of euphoria.  I can’t remember a time when I had ever felt like this before.  The sun was warm, it soaked in, I could feel the moment slipping away and as it did the tears began to flow.  Pure peace.  Pure joy.  I wept but I wasn’t sad.

When I left dad behind, I didn’t weep.  Some tears flowed as my physiology reacted to the truth.  The suffering was over but in that moment as I walked away, again I felt that plain of awareness.  Oneness.  Sameness.  And for a minute you don’t want to let go.  I certainly wouldn’t call it euphoria this time but an awareness that death is the great equalizer and this sense that if we’d all just admit it we wouldn’t have to keep going back to all the life-differences that cause so much pain and heartache in this world.