Or, at least it was fiction.
The Handmaid’s Tale
Tag Archives: trauma
Breathe, Live – A Repost
- Breathe, Live.
So from my post yesterday I’ve decided to consider my words here:
“When I left the church I literally became an introvert, not my natural inclination. I literally went underground. If anyone thinks that spiritual abuse ends when you finally get up and walk out you are mistaken. It can get even uglier (depending on circumstances) after you walk away, even when you still call yourself a Christian. It can be brutal. I think this also can depend on one’s personality. I’m sad in so many ways for the days and weeks and years that I wasted grieving a world that never gave me a second thought after I left, while I sat on the computer looking desperately for help in Christian forums for the spiritually abused and hurting Christians which often can lead to further abuse. Ironic. I poured through books. Christian books, Christian authors who wrote about abuse, about legalism, about literalism, about denominations, about who is right and who is wrong, who is righteous and who is carnal.”
I’d like to climb back into this space to expand on this a bit. Yesterday’s post was a rant. I’ve blogged about all that stuff years ago. As the years go by though I often find myself shocked by the commitment of time and money that went into trying to sort it all out both intellectually and emotionally. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to put words into the physical despair. I always want to go there. Always. I likely will, probably have and can’t remember it and am too tired to bother looking through my archives for it. Some of it will come out in my stories I will try to tell.
This post I think will be about the highlighted part above.
I noticed I typed the word “sad” in my above quote. I’ve had a lot of sad in my life. I remember when I wrote that word I wondered if I should change it to “regret.” I chose sad. After pondering it maybe the correct phrasing would be, “sad regret.” Though I think most of us who regret are sad about it. I want to paint a picture of who I am during those years in my 30’s & 40’s as a result of spiritual abuse. I was devastated and wasted. I was a stay at home mom with chronic illness and emotional stuff that was being poked day after day night after night year after year. In hindsight, bleak. Our children were in school, Biker Dude at work, and I was alone for hours wandering in a house, a library full of books, Christian books, authors from various denominations and theological positions, and a dinosaur computer (though not at the time) that I turned to after reading the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. I found the forum that Jeff (co-author of the book) started many years ago. This isn’t easy to admit. I don’t like how I feel remembering it. Tears well up in my eyes. There were many years that I feel were wasted searching. I was very much alone.
I developed social anxiety and a panic disorder. I was suffering with *PTSD-like symptoms. There’s more to all of this but will leave it at that for now. One of my former friends use to say that God never gives us more than we can bear. I use to think to myself, ‘Yes He does!’ I’d look around at my friends and think they’ve got their own burdens to bear that God allows. I’m not adding to God’s load by sharing mine.
So what do I mean by “very much alone” . . . good question? I think I mean I had too much time on my hands. I wasn’t working out of the home (had my reasons) and what happened in the church paralyzed me with fear. There I was, stuck. How did I spend my time alone? I was a profuse reader and writer. I took copious notes and studied. It’s like I was getting ready to teach a university class or something. It’s like I was trying to heal myself and heal the world all at the same time. I was desperately looking for the one Christian truth that was true. I didn’t know it was elusive. I didn’t know squat. Though I thought all these authors of books from then and now knew. Then I realized they all knew differently. Then I tried to make the differences insignificant. All the while there I am with my various Bibles at hand along with Strong’s and Unger’s and note books and note paper galore. Ink, ink and more ink. Copious piles of ink and paper in this drawer, in that drawer, in the closet, in the library, in the desk, in the china cabinet, in the kitchen buffet drawers, in my Bibles, in my books, in my purse. The bookmarked websites, here, there, everywhere. The underlining in my Bibles. The notes in the margins. The prayers. Oh the prayers. Without ceasing. The prayers. Prostrate on the floor, tears shampooing the carpet. On my knees, sore as the knee caps bore the weight of this thin but often frail frame.
If Jesus can die by crucifixion I can damn well kneel to pray.
Sitting on the bed gazing as the seasons passed by and sometimes not seeing anything but winter. Page after page in my journal of poetry, things written meant for books, prayers wondering if this season, winter, would ever end. The nights, in the dark, laying in bed, sitting on the couch, in the lazy-boy, searching the sky, the moon, the stars . . . grasping for Him. His truth. The many spiritual baptisms in the tub and the shower. Every moment, every cell, all Jesus all the time. I never felt He left me. I knew I had to keep praying, keep searching . . . the truth would come. I’d find the right denomination, the correct exegesis, the true Biblical interpretation. I’d find the people who were waiting for me, for our family. God would lead.
In a very odd way the people who died at Jonestown just came to mind.
I’m not churchless during this time. Though we left the one church after years and walked away from our lay youth ministry, we remained. I remained in church for many more years. At that time, I’m still surrounded by people, by activity, by shared beliefs and the hope that this church will work. Thing is, it was more of the same. When I realized it, I walked. But I still searched. I, alone in the house spent hours everyday pouring through resources and praying. The topic of spiritual abuse came out into the open. Books were written. I read them all.
Picture me then.
I’m alone, curled up in the black computer desk chair in the computer room. I read on the screen. I glance at my Bible, I look outside, what season is it? The clock ticks away the seconds, minutes, hours. The kids will be home soon. Didn’t they just leave for school? You need to stop, to pull yourself away from this search, this place of pain. You are alone here. No one knows you do this. God knows. Yes. Is there more to life than this? Yes. Did I miss it? Yes. There’s so much I missed by sitting there every day, my pacing the floor, praying, reading, studying, crying dehydrated tears, aching, sleepless, tormented, afraid, isolated and torn. That’s what I regret with sadness. I stopped living. I beat myself up for not being able to figure it out. Everything became hyper-spiritualized. Everything was a spiritual war. When I say I beat myself up I mean mentally and physically. I felt like shit. Listen, if you feel like that you are not living. I use to be a fun loving person.
Suddenly I found myself in an abyss I couldn’t climb out of but I didn’t know it at the time. Part of me wonders if I’m still here in this blogging world for those who don’t know they are in an abyss. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t do it. You are not shit. You are not trash. You are not stupid. You aren’t. Breathe. Take a walk. Pick up your camera. Change the dialogue in your head. I know it’s a huge task. Take 10 seconds and change the dialogue. It’s a start. Find something that is creative. I don’t care if your crocheting is crooked, nor should you. Garden. Paint. Start a blog. Breathe. Live.
- *I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and later with C-PTSD which is complex trauma. Not just one event, but several, one on top of another. Many layers, having their primary roots in the first 20 years of my life. I’ve resurrected this post since it’s resurrection time in the Christian community and though my profile here is low, I am reminded of those who are still hurting and it’s my way of saying that I’ve been there and I understand from my own personal experience.
I have added a new category on the blog, mostly for quick reference for me, titled: Zoe’s favourites.
This blog was first posted a few years back HERE.
Northrup’s Latest
Can’t comment at the moment. If you don’t want to watch/listen to it, my tags will tip you off as to some of the content.
My Benediction
The grift never ends. Those who go after Big Pharma are themselves Big Pharma. They sell their wares, especially in regards to detoxing the stupid people who got a Covid “V” (using Northrup’s preferred vocabulary. When you’ve got the audience hooked, you have to keep them hooked. And so she does and will and there is no end to it, until she dies herself and the next one steps up to continue the work . . . all in the name of the spiritual place humanity is headed to. When she dies, and she will, as the rest of us will too, her flock will have to figure out why. Naturally, the “why” will add to the list of conspiracies. The thing is, her death will mean nothing in regards to her purpose these past two years. Oh for sure, the vulnerable, the hurting, the confused and the fearful will always remember her so called benevolent and loving harp. They will always remember how she “ministered” to their souls as she tried to be a spiritual leader to them all, appearing both humble and chosen. They will always praise her for giving of herself so unselfishly for the benefit of humankind. All her prophecies that never came to fruition will fall prey to yet more conspiratorial stories. Maybe even a whole new religion based on a cracked foundation of zero evidence for her claims will form. However, countless individuals like my mother, will be left totally depressed (she is because nothing Northrup says has happened as she said it would) if she in fact outlives Northrup. And though I have concentrated here on Northrup, there are others out there that are far worse than her if you can believe it. Mom ingests all of them.
I’m looking for my off-ramp where Northrup is concerned. The amount of material to focus on is abundant. It is never-ending. It has been enough for me to delve into for very personal reasons. Like all the years I studied to understand my former Christian belief system. At some point, I moved on from that, though I can engage, I often choose not too. Or, I limit my input. There comes a time when the sorrow attached to it all weighs heavily on the heart. The exercise has been beneficial for understanding me, mom and a lot of humanity throughout history. I don’t have the energy anymore to go point by point to try and warn and or educate. My therapist shared something, with a caveat that at first this sounds terrible to say, but: Some people are just terminal.
Without going into more personal detail, this wasn’t about suicide or suicidal ideation. This was more about, if I understand it correctly, accepting that some people can’t be moved. And it’s more than a sense of them not wanting to move, they just can’t. They are in their own world and regardless of the reasons, some people can’t reason other than where they are at.
Over the years of recovery for me, I have read, I have studied, I have prayed my knees raw (in those years), I have listened, I have contemplated, I have educated myself and I have played devil’s advocate. If you’re going to try to educate others than you have to spend time studying the other side. Until of course, it’s time to stop. It doesn’t matter about their new tricks. There aren’t any new tricks. Actually, nothing has changed. I look at Christianity. What has really changed? Maybe that there are more denominations/sects now then when I joined up . . . but they’re still Christianity. I look at Northrup. What has really changed since she went full-on anti-everything and full-on conspiracy-everything? Nothing really. She’s still evangelizing her spirituality. Yes they move the goal posts all over the place but to no advantage really, other than keeping the minnows trapped in the minnow trap and putting food on her own table.
Ashes to Ashes
Dr. Lawrence Palevsky gives the benediction.
“I think I had my final words. I think we are certainly at a crucial place in the history of the world and the history of our consciousness and umm, we, we at some point – those who do want to run into the burning building are going to run in on their own. They’re not going to run in with people trying to drag them out anymore and because it is time.“
So here he’s saying, he’s tired. Tired of running into burning buildings to rescue people from the injection. It’s not a vaccine. It’s an injection. It’s always been an injection. It’s toxic. It will kill you and if not you, a lot of people. It’s all being hidden from you but we/I know the secret. I’ve thrown myself into the fire and I’ve been burned. I’ve been cancelled. I’ve been mocked. I’ve had data thrown at me that is meaningless because it’s coming from the enemy. This is a battle between good and evil. I’m done giving a shit about the stupid evil people inside the burning building. It’s time to let them burn. It’s time for me to get on with living. Let the dying take care of themselves. Let the spiritually dying suffer their consequences.
Northrup herself in many of her videos tries to comfort those who are devastated by family members and friends getting the “V” . . . as she mesmerizes them with her harmonic overtures via her harp, her followers listen. They grieve. She basically tells them to save themselves. You can’t save them . . . and oh yes, remember they already have a soul contract.
This reminds me of my mother saying that all those people who were dying in 2020 were suppose to die. Again, soul contracts. :/ It’s okay Zoe. It’s all as it should be. All is working out as it should be. It’s all about the children. “When the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets . . . blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
“It is time for the New Earth to be exposed and to be revealed because efforts to try to pull people from going into that building are taking away our efforts from creating what it is that we have to create in order to get to safety.”
Time to get rid of the “unnecessary parts.” We’re done with them. “They” are holding us back from creating a better life on this New Earth.
And I think that uh, we are on that path those of us – when I give talks now, my talks are not bout Covid any more. My talks are about reframing the medical paradigm. It’s basically a summary of or more detail actually of the summary that I gave tonight about what I envision the future and how we have to take those new concepts and build a system around it, because umm, we are in the throws of the Phoenix rising and uh, I’m very excited as Dr. Northrup keeps saying to me: “As I get older I keep getting younger” because I’m feeding off all of this unbelievable excitement for what it is that we are about to reveal. So, let’s go!”
I’m guessing from reading/listening to Northrup, that he agrees with her that there is no such thing as germs. I did a post on this back in the day. Not looking it up for my current purposes. So the New Earth will have no viruses, no bacteria, therefore no vaccines. Only clean water, clean food, no chemicals, no illness etc. etc. A New Earth. No death. The atmosphere will be devoid of all toxins and if anyone IS sick, well then it’s their fault because they mystically brought it on themselves &/or the consciousness of the collective dropped a few octaves. A few curse sermons and admonishments will get the collective back in line. He’ll clean up the terrain and take care of the miasmic leaks.
” . . . for what it is that we are about to reveal. “
For two years I’ve heard them dangle the “reveal” to their followers. I think they’ve had to rework it a few times. When past prophecies haven’t taken hold as they promised, well it’s because they did take hold but the world population just doesn’t see it yet. Or it’s because the lizard people are still too strong and foiled The Plan. But, don’t worry, The Plan is still in place. Just off the rails for a bit. Whatever you think you see, you don’t. Whatever you think you hear, you don’t. It’s all taking place. The “reveal” will be soon.
Sitting in my pew. Christ is coming.
And when He doesn’t, The Plan will be altered time and time again. The religion will evolve. Ironic.
And when the reveal fades, a new Plan will appear. They’ll forget the details of The Plan they foreshadowed and pretend the new Plan has always been this Plan. The Phoenix will still rise from the old ashes of all that came before and The New Plan/Earth begins.
Until of course, the Phoenix burns up again and a whole new cycle begins.
Unbelievably exciting.
The New Earth
Host: “The secret that some people aren’t starting to speak about yet is that The New Earth is already here. I think we just need to just sweep away the unnecessary parts so we can see it. So, last words Dr. Northrup. I’ll give the mic to you.”
Secret. The secret is, you don’t know what you’re talking about. There is no New Earth until after the pre-trib Rapture, and then 7 years with the anti-Christ in charge, handsomely for 3 1/2 years and then demonically for the next 3 1/2 years. Then we’ve got to do the Magog and Gog thingy (feel free to correct me anyone reading). I know there are variations on this theme within Christian sects. I’m riffing here. I shredded my whole Dispensation map ages ago. Armageddon. Christ’s return on a white horse slaughtering the unbelievers, blood flowing like a river. Then Satan in the tank for a 1000 years. Christ rules with His peeps. Then Satan gets out for good behaviour (sarcasm), things go to pot again . . . bye bye Satan and the like and then, well, the earth is consumed by fire and we get a New Earth. Got it? Oh I see. I’m from the false God, false idol crowd.
I don’t like how the Host put it. She thinks “we just need to just sweep away the unnecessary parts.” I feel very much like an “unnecessary part” at the moment. Is this one of those rivers of blood moments?
Northrup speaks: (1:27.18)
“I’m very optimistic about where we are going but I also know I don’t make any uh, claim to think that everyone is going with us.”
Nope. You’ve always alluded to some of us not going with you. There will be some “unnecessary parts” not make it. How very optimistic of you. (Sarcasm) In other videos I’ve listened to her hint about people not making it. Northrup believes in “soul contracts.” So does my mom. They believe in Reincarnation. Before you come, your soul gets to see/choose. It sees what they are coming for, then your soul agrees, then off you go, forgetting what you signed up for. It’s how so many of the conspiracy theorists come across as calculated, cold and lacking empathy. Hey, what can I do about it? You had a soul contract.
“We are at a great bifurcation, separating the wheat from the chaff.”
Northrup is a Christ consciousness believer. She mixes a whole lot of various beliefs into her cauldron of annihilating joy. Christ returns but not as say an evangelical Christian thinks/believes. For Northrup, we’re all Divine and if we lift our consciousness all together, then this is the goal. Those who are not able to raise their consciousness or lack Divinity, well, they are “the chaff.”
” I don’t pretend to know what someone else’s soul path is but I do know mine and I do know that of Larry and my colleagues ( she mentions something called 5-doc? and other names in her group) – lifting consciousness.”
So no pretending but she does know for sure who her “wheat” people are.
” The whole group that is rising like yeast all over the planet . . .”
Reminds me of my pew sitting days. All over the planet, born-again Christians are rising. God’s people will prevail.
“. . . and like you said, The New Earth is here already and those who have eyes let them see and those who have ears let them hear. Have compassion for the others but as Dr. Larry always says: “Do not chase them into burning buildings.” Those are my final words.”
This is the callous way of saying again, not everyone is going to make it. We’ve done everything we can to get them to see &/or hear. I’m not going to martyr myself any further for the chaff. Besides, remember, they have soul contracts. Look away and let them go.
In despair, many religious people pray to their God to save their loved ones. To convert them to the one true religion and the one true God. But in the end, if they don’t convert, or believe, you have to let them go. One day you’ll be in heaven, paradise, Nirvana or Neptune and all that was before will be no more. So you may be in anguish now but hold on. Soon there will be no more tears, no sorrow, no hunger, no sin. Just a whole lot of mansions on a hilltop.
The Phoenix is rising – Repent
- Trigger Warning for those who know what I mean.
Dr. Palevsky continues speaking. Punctuation added by me.
“If you get this shot and – it is so important that you say “I’m sorry” to yourself and that you take back your responsibility. Take back your accountability. Take back what you decided to do for yourself and what you decided to do for your family members and that you realize you may have sterilized (1:23.32) your teenagers. You may have sterilized your kids, because you may not be grandparents because this injection has the side effect of infertility. That you may have caused a cancer because cancer rates are going up. That you may have caused a recurrence of your cancer because the shot is doing that as well. That you many have caused your miscarriage. That you may have caused your still birth because the shot was never meant to protect you against infection.“
You have sinned. You have sinned against yourself and your family. You were selfish. Look what you have done! Look! Teenage infertility! Cancer! Recurrence of cancer! Miscarriage! Stillbirth!)
I sit and listen to the visiting pastor’s wife insinuate that women lose their babies because God is punishing them for their sin. Her example on this wonderful women’s day out was the story of a woman who shook her baby from the womb by taking belly-dancing lessons. She has no idea how many of us are sitting there already blaming ourselves for the loss of our babies. We’re already sitting there wondering what we did wrong. Wondering why God would allow it. Wondering if He’s punishing us for our sin(s) and if so which one? Is it because I ate too much ice cream? Never should have gone horseback riding? Too rough while rolling in the hay? The irony of it all, is she I think was just as much a victim of this belief system as I was. She herself had lost a young child. Looking across various beliefs, aren’t they mostly about trying to comfort us. We follow because we’ve no other place to go. A thought.
Palevsky and some of my former church pew sitters are in my opinion the worst of the worst when it comes to spiritual abuse. Make no mistake about it. He’s in a religion. Has all the hallmarks of a cult. He’s full of himself believing he is one of the chosen for this time.
“And only then, only then when we as a collective can accept what we as the collective allowed ourselves to do will we heal at the level that requires us to heal and move on.“
When we confronted the pastor about the appearance of an inappropriate relationship with a married woman in the church who was not his wife, he did not deny it. *He did not admit it. He did not deny it. The look we got, well, if you’ve been reading anything I’ve written about those days gone by, you know. He started into a diatribe of the people not praying enough for him. Not giving enough. That he was tired. And then he blamed for the most part, the church “collective.” In other words, we all screwed up here, we’re all to blame, we’ve all sinned . . . BUT there is a way out. We’re all guilty but let us get back to doing what we should be doing. Pray, study, give, serve . . . and obey. This is the way to heal, to put all this aside . . . and move on.
I suspect Palevsky himself feels he didn’t do enough. Believes he worked his ass off trying to evangelize the weaklings . . . but alas, the commoners would not listen to him.
- The truth did come out. Even when it did, many people would not believe it. By then we were long gone.
“And, some of us who got the shot will die and some of us who got the shot will live very very very sorry lives.“
He’s not done. Nope. If he hasn’t triggered the listener enough, he’ll just keep adding insult to injury.
Reminds me the pastor reminding the pew sitters that if you aren’t careful, God will smite you. He’ll take you early and if for some reason He extends His grace, you will live by suffering. And if you are already suffering, you ain’t see nothin’ yet!
“And you will also understand that because you got the shot you will become owned by the companies that gave you the shot because the material in the shot was incorporated into your DNA and because that material is patented it becomes an important part of your DNA. You are now owned by the companies that made that shot.“
Sometimes I wish I was still a praying person. I’d pray that Lawrence would be delivered from the demon of delusion.
“All for the sake of an illness that was never caused by a virus in the first place and was never going to protect you against the virus in the second place. And that was never tested for safety, was using a technology that never ever ever was proven to cause a reduction or elimination of any infection anywhere in the world. And, so, repeat. I I I think that there’s a deep deep deep need for compassion and forgiveness in this time. It is – this shot is the Josef Mengele on steroids. And for anybody who has never read history, look in your review mirror. There are plenty of times in history when leaders in government, leaders of countries and leaders of empires did not think twice about destroying their own people for open gain of their own.”
Compassion and forgiveness? Sigh. And right into Josef Mengele. Nice segway. We don’t want to linger for too long on compassion and forgiveness because well, honestly it’s not all that much a part of our religion. After all, it’s your fault you’re in this bind. And you didn’t listen to me, so oh well.
Have you ever noticed how often there’s a little bit of truth in a conspiracy theorist’s conspiracy/belief? You don’t believe me about this non-virus, well let me tell you about this and that. Oh, and you think the governments of the world would not depopulate the world with a killer vaccine . . . well, let me tell you! So, there! I’m telling you, it’s happened before and it is happening now.
Secular Wings 