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Agnosticism/Atheism, Christian Years, Emotions, Healing, Heretic Years, Leaving Christianity, Pain, Personal Memoirs, Personal Recovery, Secular Wings, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk, Zoe's favourites

Breathe, Live – A Repost

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  • Breathe, Live.

So from my post yesterday I’ve decided to consider my words here:

“When I left the church I literally became an introvert, not my natural inclination. I literally went underground. If anyone thinks that spiritual abuse ends when you finally get up and walk out you are mistaken. It can get even uglier (depending on circumstances) after you walk away, even when you still call yourself a Christian. It can be brutal. I think this also can depend on one’s personality. I’m sad in so many ways for the days and weeks and years that I wasted grieving a world that never gave me a second thought after I left, while I sat on the computer looking desperately for help in Christian forums for the spiritually abused and hurting Christians which often can lead to further abuse. Ironic. I poured through books. Christian books, Christian authors who wrote about abuse, about legalism, about literalism, about denominations, about who is right and who is wrong, who is righteous and who is carnal.”

I’d like to climb back into this space to expand on this a bit. Yesterday’s post was a rant.  I’ve blogged about all that stuff years ago.  As the years go by though I often find myself shocked by the commitment of time and money that went into trying to sort it all out both intellectually and emotionally.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to put words into the physical despair.  I always want to go there.  Always.  I likely will, probably have and can’t remember it and am too tired to bother looking through my archives for it.  Some of it will come out in my stories I will try to tell.

This post I think will be about the highlighted part above.

I noticed I typed the word “sad” in my above quote.  I’ve had a lot of sad in my life.  I remember when I wrote that word I wondered if I should change it to “regret.”  I chose sad.  After pondering it maybe the correct phrasing would be, “sad regret.”  Though I think most of us who regret are sad about it.  I want to paint a picture of who I am during those years in my 30’s & 40’s as a result of spiritual abuse.  I was devastated and wasted.  I was a stay at home mom with chronic illness and emotional stuff that was being poked day after day night after night year after year. In hindsight, bleak.  Our children were in school, Biker Dude at work, and I was alone for hours wandering in a house, a library full of books, Christian books, authors from various denominations and theological positions, and a dinosaur computer (though not at the time) that I turned to after reading the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.  I found the forum that Jeff (co-author of the book) started many years ago.  This isn’t easy to admit.  I don’t like how I feel remembering it.  Tears well up in my eyes.  There were many years that I feel were wasted searching.  I was very much alone.

I developed social anxiety and a panic disorder.  I was suffering with *PTSD-like symptoms.  There’s more to all of this but will leave it at that for now.  One of my former friends use to say that God never gives us more than we can bear.  I use to think to myself, ‘Yes He does!’  I’d look around at my friends and think they’ve got their own burdens to bear that God allows.  I’m not adding to God’s load by sharing mine.

So what do I mean by “very much alone” . . . good question?  I think I mean I had too much time on my hands.  I wasn’t working out of the home (had my reasons) and what happened in the church paralyzed me with fear. There I was, stuck.  How did I spend my time alone?  I was a profuse reader and writer.  I took copious notes and studied.  It’s like I was getting ready to teach a university class or something.  It’s like I was trying to heal myself and heal the world all at the same time.  I was desperately looking for the one Christian truth that was true.  I didn’t know it was elusive.  I didn’t know squat.  Though I thought all these authors of books from then and now knew. Then I realized they all knew differently.  Then I tried to make the differences insignificant.  All the while there I am with my various Bibles at hand along with Strong’s and Unger’s and note books and note paper galore.  Ink, ink and more ink. Copious piles of ink and paper in this drawer, in that drawer, in the closet, in the library, in the desk, in the china cabinet, in the kitchen buffet drawers, in my Bibles, in my books, in my purse. The bookmarked websites, here, there, everywhere.  The underlining in my Bibles.  The notes in the margins.   The prayers. Oh the prayers.  Without ceasing. The prayers.  Prostrate on the floor, tears shampooing the carpet.  On my knees, sore as the knee caps bore the weight of this thin but often frail frame.

If Jesus can die by crucifixion I can damn well kneel to pray.  

Sitting on the bed gazing as the seasons passed by and sometimes not seeing anything but winter.  Page after page in my journal of poetry, things written meant for books, prayers wondering if this season, winter, would ever end.  The nights, in the dark, laying in bed, sitting on the couch, in the lazy-boy, searching the sky, the moon, the stars . . . grasping for Him. His truth.  The many spiritual baptisms in the tub and the shower.  Every moment, every cell, all Jesus all the time.  I never felt He left me.  I knew I had to keep praying, keep searching . . . the truth would come.  I’d find the right denomination, the correct exegesis, the true Biblical interpretation.  I’d find the people who were waiting for me, for our family.  God would lead.

In a very odd way the people who died at Jonestown just came to mind.  

I’m not churchless during this time.  Though we left the one church after years and walked away from our lay youth ministry, we remained.  I remained in church for many more years. At that time, I’m still surrounded by people, by activity, by shared beliefs and the hope that this church will work. Thing is, it was more of the same.  When I realized it, I walked.  But I still searched.  I, alone in the house spent hours everyday pouring through resources and praying.  The topic of spiritual abuse came out into the open. Books were written.  I read them all.

Picture me then.

I’m alone, curled up in the black computer desk chair in the computer room.  I read on the screen.  I glance at my Bible, I look outside, what season is it?  The clock ticks away the seconds, minutes, hours.  The kids will be home soon.  Didn’t they just leave for school?  You need to stop, to pull yourself away from this search, this place of pain.  You are alone here.  No one knows you do this.  God knows.  Yes.  Is there more to life than this?  Yes.  Did I miss it?  Yes.  There’s so much I missed by sitting there every day, my pacing the floor, praying, reading, studying, crying dehydrated tears, aching, sleepless, tormented, afraid, isolated and torn. That’s what I regret with sadness.  I stopped living.  I beat myself up for not being able to figure it out.  Everything became hyper-spiritualized. Everything was a spiritual war.  When I say I beat myself up I mean mentally and physically.   I felt like shit.  Listen, if you feel like that you are not living.  I use to be a fun loving person. 

Suddenly I found myself in an abyss I couldn’t climb out of but I didn’t know it at the time.  Part of me wonders if I’m still here in this blogging world for those who don’t know they are in an abyss.  Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t do it.  You are not shit.  You are not trash.  You are not stupid.  You aren’t.  Breathe.  Take a walk.  Pick up your camera.  Change the dialogue in your head.  I know it’s a huge task.  Take 10 seconds and change the dialogue.  It’s a start.  Find something that is creative.  I don’t care if your crocheting is crooked, nor should you.  Garden.  Paint.  Start a blog. Breathe.  Live.

  • *I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and later with C-PTSD which is complex trauma. Not just one event, but several, one on top of another. Many layers, having their primary roots in the first 20 years of my life. I’ve resurrected this post since it’s resurrection time in the Christian community and though my profile here is low, I am reminded of those who are still hurting and it’s my way of saying that I’ve been there and I understand from my own personal experience.

I have added a new category on the blog, mostly for quick reference for me, titled: Zoe’s favourites.

This blog was first posted a few years back HERE.

conspiracy, Politics, QAnon and others, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk

Northrup’s Latest

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Can’t comment at the moment. If you don’t want to watch/listen to it, my tags will tip you off as to some of the content.

Christianity, conspiracy, Politics, QAnon and others, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk

My Benediction

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The grift never ends.  Those who go after Big Pharma are themselves Big Pharma.  They sell their wares, especially in regards to detoxing the stupid people who got a Covid “V” (using Northrup’s preferred vocabulary.  When you’ve got the audience hooked, you have to keep them hooked.  And so she does and will and there is no end to it, until she dies herself and the next one steps up to continue the work . . . all in the name of the spiritual place humanity is headed to.  When she dies, and she will, as the rest of us will too, her flock will have to figure out why.  Naturally, the “why” will add to the list of conspiracies.  The thing is, her death will mean nothing in regards to her purpose these past two years.  Oh for sure, the vulnerable, the hurting, the confused and the fearful will always remember her so called benevolent and loving harp.  They will always remember how she “ministered” to their souls as she tried to be a spiritual leader to them all, appearing both humble and chosen.  They will always praise her for giving of herself so unselfishly for the benefit of humankind.  All her prophecies that never came to fruition will fall prey to yet more conspiratorial stories.  Maybe even a whole new religion based on a cracked foundation of zero evidence for her claims will form.  However, countless individuals like my mother, will be left totally depressed (she is because nothing Northrup says has happened as she said it would) if she in fact outlives Northrup.  And though I have concentrated here on Northrup, there are others out there that are far worse than her if you can believe it.  Mom ingests all of them.  

I’m looking for my off-ramp where Northrup is concerned.  The amount of material to focus on is abundant.  It is never-ending.  It has been enough for me to delve into for very personal reasons.  Like all the years I studied to understand my former Christian belief system.  At some point, I moved on from that, though I can engage, I often choose not too.  Or, I limit my input.  There comes a time when the sorrow attached to it all weighs heavily on the heart.  The exercise has been beneficial for understanding me, mom and a lot of humanity throughout history.  I don’t have the energy anymore to go point by point to try and warn and or educate.  My therapist shared something, with a caveat that at first this sounds terrible to say, but:  Some people are just terminal.  

Without going into more personal detail, this wasn’t about suicide or suicidal ideation.  This was more about, if I understand it correctly, accepting that some people can’t be moved.  And it’s more than a sense of them not wanting to move, they just can’t.  They are in their own world and regardless of the reasons, some people can’t reason other than where they are at. 

Over the years of recovery for me, I have read, I have studied, I have prayed my knees raw (in those years), I have listened, I have contemplated, I have educated myself and I have played devil’s advocate.  If you’re going to try to educate others than you have to spend time studying the other side.  Until of course, it’s time to stop.  It doesn’t matter about their new tricks.  There aren’t any new tricks.  Actually, nothing has changed.  I look at Christianity.  What has really changed?  Maybe that there are more denominations/sects now then when I joined up . . . but they’re still Christianity.  I look at Northrup.  What has really changed since she went full-on anti-everything and full-on conspiracy-everything?  Nothing really.  She’s still evangelizing her spirituality.   Yes they move the goal posts all over the place but to no advantage really, other than keeping the minnows trapped in the minnow trap and putting food on her own table.

 

conspiracy, Politics, QAnon and others, Salvation Seasons, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk

Ashes to Ashes

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Dr. Lawrence Palevsky gives the benediction.

“I think I had my final words. I think we are certainly at a crucial place in the history of the world and the history of our consciousness and umm, we, we at some point – those who do want to run into the burning building are going to run in on their own. They’re not going to run in with people trying to drag them out anymore and because it is time.“

So here he’s saying, he’s tired. Tired of running into burning buildings to rescue people from the injection. It’s not a vaccine. It’s an injection. It’s always been an injection. It’s toxic. It will kill you and if not you, a lot of people. It’s all being hidden from you but we/I know the secret. I’ve thrown myself into the fire and I’ve been burned. I’ve been cancelled. I’ve been mocked. I’ve had data thrown at me that is meaningless because it’s coming from the enemy. This is a battle between good and evil. I’m done giving a shit about the stupid evil people inside the burning building. It’s time to let them burn. It’s time for me to get on with living. Let the dying take care of themselves. Let the spiritually dying suffer their consequences.

Northrup herself in many of her videos tries to comfort those who are devastated by family members and friends getting the “V” . . . as she mesmerizes them with her harmonic overtures via her harp, her followers listen. They grieve. She basically tells them to save themselves. You can’t save them . . . and oh yes, remember they already have a soul contract.

This reminds me of my mother saying that all those people who were dying in 2020 were suppose to die. Again, soul contracts. :/ It’s okay Zoe. It’s all as it should be. All is working out as it should be. It’s all about the children. “When the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets . . . blah blah blah blah blah blah.”

“It is time for the New Earth to be exposed and to be revealed because efforts to try to pull people from going into that building are taking away our efforts from creating what it is that we have to create in order to get to safety.”

Time to get rid of the “unnecessary parts.” We’re done with them. “They” are holding us back from creating a better life on this New Earth.

And I think that uh, we are on that path those of us – when I give talks now, my talks are not bout Covid any more. My talks are about reframing the medical paradigm. It’s basically a summary of or more detail actually of the summary that I gave tonight about what I envision the future and how we have to take those new concepts and build a system around it, because umm, we are in the throws of the Phoenix rising and uh, I’m very excited as Dr. Northrup keeps saying to me: “As I get older I keep getting younger” because I’m feeding off all of this unbelievable excitement for what it is that we are about to reveal. So, let’s go!”

I’m guessing from reading/listening to Northrup, that he agrees with her that there is no such thing as germs. I did a post on this back in the day. Not looking it up for my current purposes. So the New Earth will have no viruses, no bacteria, therefore no vaccines. Only clean water, clean food, no chemicals, no illness etc. etc. A New Earth. No death. The atmosphere will be devoid of all toxins and if anyone IS sick, well then it’s their fault because they mystically brought it on themselves &/or the consciousness of the collective dropped a few octaves. A few curse sermons and admonishments will get the collective back in line. He’ll clean up the terrain and take care of the miasmic leaks.

” . . . for what it is that we are about to reveal. “

For two years I’ve heard them dangle the “reveal” to their followers. I think they’ve had to rework it a few times. When past prophecies haven’t taken hold as they promised, well it’s because they did take hold but the world population just doesn’t see it yet. Or it’s because the lizard people are still too strong and foiled The Plan. But, don’t worry, The Plan is still in place. Just off the rails for a bit. Whatever you think you see, you don’t. Whatever you think you hear, you don’t. It’s all taking place. The “reveal” will be soon.

Sitting in my pew. Christ is coming.

And when He doesn’t, The Plan will be altered time and time again. The religion will evolve. Ironic.

And when the reveal fades, a new Plan will appear. They’ll forget the details of The Plan they foreshadowed and pretend the new Plan has always been this Plan. The Phoenix will still rise from the old ashes of all that came before and The New Plan/Earth begins.

Until of course, the Phoenix burns up again and a whole new cycle begins.

Unbelievably exciting.

conspiracy, Politics, QAnon and others, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk

The New Earth

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From Here

Host: “The secret that some people aren’t starting to speak about yet is that The New Earth is already here. I think we just need to just sweep away the unnecessary parts so we can see it. So, last words Dr. Northrup. I’ll give the mic to you.”

Secret. The secret is, you don’t know what you’re talking about. There is no New Earth until after the pre-trib Rapture, and then 7 years with the anti-Christ in charge, handsomely for 3 1/2 years and then demonically for the next 3 1/2 years. Then we’ve got to do the Magog and Gog thingy (feel free to correct me anyone reading). I know there are variations on this theme within Christian sects. I’m riffing here. I shredded my whole Dispensation map ages ago. Armageddon. Christ’s return on a white horse slaughtering the unbelievers, blood flowing like a river. Then Satan in the tank for a 1000 years. Christ rules with His peeps. Then Satan gets out for good behaviour (sarcasm), things go to pot again . . . bye bye Satan and the like and then, well, the earth is consumed by fire and we get a New Earth. Got it? Oh I see. I’m from the false God, false idol crowd.

I don’t like how the Host put it. She thinks “we just need to just sweep away the unnecessary parts.” I feel very much like an “unnecessary part” at the moment. Is this one of those rivers of blood moments?

Northrup speaks: (1:27.18)

“I’m very optimistic about where we are going but I also know I don’t make any uh, claim to think that everyone is going with us.”

Nope. You’ve always alluded to some of us not going with you. There will be some “unnecessary parts” not make it. How very optimistic of you. (Sarcasm) In other videos I’ve listened to her hint about people not making it. Northrup believes in “soul contracts.” So does my mom. They believe in Reincarnation. Before you come, your soul gets to see/choose. It sees what they are coming for, then your soul agrees, then off you go, forgetting what you signed up for. It’s how so many of the conspiracy theorists come across as calculated, cold and lacking empathy. Hey, what can I do about it? You had a soul contract.

“We are at a great bifurcation, separating the wheat from the chaff.”

Northrup is a Christ consciousness believer. She mixes a whole lot of various beliefs into her cauldron of annihilating joy. Christ returns but not as say an evangelical Christian thinks/believes. For Northrup, we’re all Divine and if we lift our consciousness all together, then this is the goal. Those who are not able to raise their consciousness or lack Divinity, well, they are “the chaff.”

” I don’t pretend to know what someone else’s soul path is but I do know mine and I do know that of Larry and my colleagues ( she mentions something called 5-doc? and other names in her group) – lifting consciousness.”

So no pretending but she does know for sure who her “wheat” people are.

” The whole group that is rising like yeast all over the planet . . .”

Reminds me of my pew sitting days. All over the planet, born-again Christians are rising. God’s people will prevail.

“. . . and like you said, The New Earth is here already and those who have eyes let them see and those who have ears let them hear. Have compassion for the others but as Dr. Larry always says: “Do not chase them into burning buildings.” Those are my final words.”

This is the callous way of saying again, not everyone is going to make it. We’ve done everything we can to get them to see &/or hear. I’m not going to martyr myself any further for the chaff. Besides, remember, they have soul contracts. Look away and let them go.

In despair, many religious people pray to their God to save their loved ones. To convert them to the one true religion and the one true God. But in the end, if they don’t convert, or believe, you have to let them go. One day you’ll be in heaven, paradise, Nirvana or Neptune and all that was before will be no more. So you may be in anguish now but hold on. Soon there will be no more tears, no sorrow, no hunger, no sin. Just a whole lot of mansions on a hilltop.

conspiracy, Politics, QAnon and others, Spiritual Abuse, Trauma Talk

Bottoms Up – 3

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Bottoms Up – 2

Dr. Lawrence Palevsky continues:

“(1:22.09) You’re going to have to start realizing that you were duped. That you were lied to. That you accepted something because you were pressured and could not put the line in the sand. That you thought you were better off getting the shot because you could then go to a restaurant or to a ballgame, or to a theater or to a movie or to a museum or to see family members. That you put your life on the line to get a shot that was never meant to protect you, cause look at how many people are sick. Who get’s the flu in July and August into the levels to which people are getting sick in July and August and September in the uh the U.S. and in the northern hemisphere? We have been sold down the river for a bag of goods that is just rocks and you have tied your ankles with lead weights and jumped into the river.”

There is no doubt in this New Age pseudo-scientific spirituality of supposed freedom, that one is blamed &/or shamed, quite like I was from my church pew.

Thinking about pressure. He’s pressuring the listener, the follower, the inquisitive, the searching, the vulnerable into believing they are weak . . . ah but he is strong. Hmm. Where have I heard that before?

Look what you unenlightened dummies did. You gone and done yourself wrong because you were all into material things. Stupid idiots. You lined up, gave them your arm because you were afraid and believed the lie about a virus that doesn’t exist and now look at you, you’re all sick and dying. Tsk! Tsk! Then of course, the reference to the flu. Can’t tell you how many times the flu has been flung.

You are dying. And if you aren’t, you are sick. And if you aren’t sick, watch out, you’re going to be sick. First of all we know you are sick because you were fearful and got that damn shot! Emotionally you are insecure and that alone will make you sick if you aren’t already. You people blew it because of your religion of false God(s) and false idols.

Shamed in my pew. I blew it. I fell for the lie. The perfect set-up. Time to repent.

Time to connect with the Phoenix.

conspiracy, Personal Memoirs, Politics, QAnon and others, The Unknown Journey, Trauma Talk

Just Because

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*Memoir-type posts.

*When I write these memoir-type posts, I am reflecting on the past. These are not current exchanges. I just remembered I have a category for memoir-type posts so I’ll get back to including that in some of these posts.

“It’s the Jews” she said. I internally hit a wall, or wait, is that my heart stopping?

I stare at her. Again she waits for a response. I refrain.

She repeats herself. Then drops names.

We are in a restaurant.

I do not respond but I am learning that not responding is an open door for her to keep going. Still, I wonder . . . does she even hear herself?

I know my mother has a lot of trauma in her review mirror, but I also know she’s tried to run from it her whole life. Though I am aware of most of it, there is something **yet unspoken. My siblings all asked me what it was. I’ve always said: It is something but we may never know.

I sit and listen to her. I hear every single word. I wonder where the woman who took on the gay ordination debate in our church went. The woman who spoke up in favour of gay ordination. The woman who told the then preacher, to take a hike. (And many more trail-blazing paths she took on.)

When she finally stopped, she looked at me waiting for a response. I stayed calm and said: Mom. I hear every single word you say. I hear you. But, just because I hear you doesn’t mean I agree with you. I don’t. I don’t believe any of that. And just because you keep on about it doesn’t mean I will in the future. Just because you say it doesn’t mean I believe you.

She looked at me and said, “I know.”

It was the end of that conversation.

** I am now aware of the “unspoken.”