Throughout my life, I’ve been the juicy hot topic of a gossip from time to time. Usually, it’s paints a picture of me not as a human being with true feelings, but like a character (sometimes villain, sometimes an annoying extra) from a TV show.

While at times even myself wanna applaud those who came up with the things I hear about myself, most of the time I asked myself what did I actually do wrong, which makes me come to this.

Gaslight & Self-blame (and scapegoat)

When I was young, whenever we go clothes shopping, my mother would ask my father for his opinion on things she picked out. Coming from a MCP culture, my father usually ends up criticizing her choice and my mom would say nothing and just put it back onto the rack.

Once my mother asked my father for opinion on something I picked out, I made a snarky comment on how he wouldn’t know better because I cannot bear to hear another criticism on how I made a had choice. After my father kept quiet and walked away, my mother told me that I shouldn’t disrespect and hurt my father like that.

While my own hurt was never acknowledge.

Brought up from young being gaslighted it’s always my fault, how to take responsibility and self-blame for other people’s words and actions, I open up myself to a sea of vibrations matches of “how can I minimise myself even further for appeasing the masses”.

Inclusive

Funny how I’m always on the receiving end, but I don’t engage in other people’s gossip myself. If you read the story above you will know I’m always desperately trying to fix something or to fit in, it wouldn’t be me to call it out in a group and being outcasted, would I? Because apparently even without doing so, I would already be outcasted and judged from time to time.

I know- your external world is merely just a reflection of your internal world. While I’m still just a work-in- progress, raising my own awareness would hopefully prep myself mentally to the next step towards healing. So here’s my notes on what I’m going to work on.

1. Instead of resisting and trying to take control n responsibility, sink into the feeling of powerlessness and take in acknowledge I cannot control everything. (Completion process)

2. Call out things as they are, instead of trying to fit in all the time. Get used to the feeling of rejection, because only putting myself out there, then there will be chances of connection in the midst of rejections.

3. Raise awareness by telling my own stories (still working on the courage) 🙂

Till next time!

Somehow, I am always on the topic of a good gossip. Some may be true (how I turn into a bitch when I get triggered), some debatable (I’m a bimbo who only talk clothes, shoes and make up) and entirely wrong (let’s not get into it for now).

I’m really just a plain O’Jane (yes I’m old now), and I value my privacy a lot. Which makes me ponder (and triggered sometimes), what makes me “juicy” enough to end up on a people break time chat. But honestly deep down, I know it has something to do with my vibration.

1. It boosts their own ego.

But hey, before we get into that. How about let’s discuss a little on a generalise basis? Why do people Gossip?

Remember that saying, if you can’t lost weight, how about fattening up those around you? If you think you ain’t pretty enough, surround yourself with ugly people. Silly and mean, but it works. When we call it out like this, people boo at this act. But when the people around us does it (hey didn’t Jeremy just got fatter?), we happily join in cos it boosts our own ego too (oh yah! I did see him snacking a lot lately)

2. Some people use it as a trade to feel connected.

Have you ever met someone who never have any other things to say except about other people? And funnily, they never share anything about themselves. And if they do, they make sure it’s textbook perfect. (I never do anything else in my life except work and feed and cloth my kids no I give my whole life to my family and kids no I have no struggles my life is perfect and boring pls don’t talk about me let’s talk about Jeremy).

Truth be told, I understand why and I pity them a little. Because they feel like they have nothing valuable to offer from themselves to the relationship that they can only trade gossips in order to maintain any kind of connection.

3. We do it because we want to feel included.

And I’m guilty of this. I have to admit that my self-esteem is not high enough for me to bear any sort of rejection (my tolerance is pretty low and I’m still working on it).

And that’s why I get why people do this. We are, after all, social creature who wants acceptance and fear rejection.

Now, why am I a match to being always the topic of a good juicy gossip? (It being true or not is irrelevant here.)

Gonna sleep on it and continue tomorrow. 🙂