I am feeling mellow tonight~ You know, that feeling when you feel like being alone and cry your heart out. 🙂 It has been almost a year since my last dose of prozac. Alhamdulillah. Life has been amazing, I am able to handle them well. MasyaAllah, the hidayah Allah has blesses me with, I am never letting them go. I saw a couple of video on youtube that reflect my life. It was hard to forget. You can forgive and let everything go, but you will never forget. As much as I tried, the scars on my skin will remains, as a constant reminder of the life I had…

Back then, if I were to describe myself in five words, it would be : crazy, impulsive, manipulative, moody, poetic. I was like a mini time bomb, ready to explode anytime. One moment I am good, the next I could be all mental. Beneath the hard exterior, there lies my shattered soul. The world was a masquerade, everyday I woke up and put on my mask. There were too much hatred and sadness in me. A pent up anger ready to be unleashed to those who deserved. I poured my emotions in morbid poems. Morbid? Well, how would you describe poems that talk about dead, suicide, darkness, loneliness and wrath? Uh-oh. I channeled my emotional pains towards self mutilation and road-raging. It was an emotional roller coaster, I got depressed for no reasons. Petty things could lead to depression. I spent my life building this facade, to entertain others, but deep inside, I was broken. My wake up call was when my mum and brother cried infront of me, begging me to stop hurting myself. I was determined to seek medical help, which introduced me to the world of Prozac…

I didn’t take pride of everything I have done. I was a lost cause. I have no one to turn to. My call for help, my depression, to everyone was my weakness. After one of my many suicide attempts, I was brought to a so called “Islamic medicine practitioner”, in which he concluded that my depression was because I am still not married yet! Ah! what fool! If he only knew what I went through for the past 20 years or so!

Alhamdulillah. I am a happier person now. Every now and then, I got depressed, in which I seek refuge from Allah. I treat my depression with reciting Al Quraan. Alhamdulillah, it calms me.

“Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (13:28)

I am still impulsive though. InsyaAllah, I am working on that. Although I admitted, quitting the medication cold turkey isn’t easy. I actually ask from those around me and everyone advise me to stop and I did. During the following months after discarding the meds, I keep on regretting it and wishing I still have it with me. There was anxiety, depression and sadness… Alhamdulillah, I managed to beat that. These symptoms may visit me every once in a while, I don’t care. hehe.

I remember there was this girl asking advice from me about her friend. I answered her, when someone talks about suicide, do not take light of this matter. You never know what goes on her mind. Depression is a serious problem, in which people often take it lightly. In fact, depression is considered as one’s weakness in this society.

I am still praying that one day, I could go on and leave all this behind me. The scars would go away, the memories would fade…  Depression and borderline personality disorder would mean nothing to me. 😥 Pray for me… 😥

May Allah never cease to bless us with this hidayah, and May Allah grant us all Jannah..