Warming

I saw a sign on the high school yesterday and started crying:  "Twenty-Four Hour Warming Center."

*

It's thawing now.  Big hunks of ice falling off the trees like hail and then melting snow (temp up to mid-thirties from teens).  In my town there are still thousands without power (it's been a week for some).  I consider myself lucky that we were without for only the better part of three days, and had good friends (with a big warm house) to stay with.

*

I do not know exactly why I associate ice with infertility and loss, but I do.  Driving to the clinic in the snow.  Long winters on hold, by doctor's orders or by choice.  Embryos on ice.

*

Tiny Boy is enjoying this winter, playing in the snow.  Last year he was too little--just walking--and didn't even want to be bundled up to be pulled in an infant sled.  This year, he shoots down hills with LG holding on to him.  He can't make it for long (last week I ended up lugging him up the hills in our neighborhood as he cried "tode tode" [that's "cold" for those who don't speak toddler]) but it's still such fun to share winter with him.

I wanted my children to grow up with snow.  And they love it.

*

We don't usually get ice storms here, just run of the mill snow storms, because generally it's below freezing.  I remember ice storms when I lived in Texas that long winter I miscarried and then waited and waited and waited to try again.

*

This is not what I planned for winter break.  First a snow day and then three days without heat, staying at a friend's house and my mother not coming up to visit the day she planned.  But it's warming up, and I'm starting to get things done.  I've organized the toys in the basement, now that we have a floor again (from the flood last April), and I've started to restock the freezer with muffins and waffles and the things my kids like that I don't have much time to bake during the semester.  I've watched some TV and read a bit.

And in the big scheme of things, it's all okay.

Light

I have turned on almost every light in our house and cranked the heat up just because I can.

At dinner I said we should say a blessing for lights and meat.  A's daughter said "life and meat?"

Yes, exactly right.

To all of you who celebrate, Merry Christmas.  May everyone be warm and safe.

The Universe Is Seriously Conspiring Against Me

I turned in grades on Tuesday.  I had other work related things to do on Wednesday.  Thursday involved a visit to LG's school and a memorial service for a dead child.

Friday LG had a snow day.
Our power went out yesterday.  It is still out today (this, brought to you by my friend A's brand new wireless). There are an estimated 30,000 people in our area without power.  At least I have a friend who is not one of them.

Today was supposed to be my ONE KID FREE DAY IN WHICH TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.

Argh.

Memory/Memorial

This afternoon is the memorial service for the little boy from my neighborhood.

I am trying to decide if I will go.  I feel like I should go, as a gesture of respect.  I also feel like it's pointless for me to go (I have heard they are expecting as many as 1000 people!)...have already given a condolence card and made a donation in his honor.  I also feel like no matter what I do it means little when a child has died.

All this is compounded by the fact that is is Dec 19, the third Thursday of December, the anniversary of my first pregnancy loss (which is the only one I mark, because somehow it's the one that changed me the most).  And I feel like I spend enough time working through loss that I really don't want to do it. 

I went today to my daughter's school for an event, and that seemed to me to be right.  The carrying on.  The recognition that sucky things happen but my life right now is good.

I don't know...


Update:  I went.  I saw my friend.  I cried.  I seemed to be the only one crying (at least in the back).  I sneaked out to pick up my kids and hug them.

A Good Day

Snow day today.  It was snowing when we woke up (almost 8:00 for all of us) and it is still snowing now.  We didn't go anywhere in the car.

In the morning I made the kids chocolate chip waffles and then we went sledding at our neighborhood park.  Tiny Boy actually enjoyed himself, unlike last year when he flipped out just putting on snow gear.

He didn't take a nap but I left him upstairs in the crib, mostly content, for more than an hour.  LG worked on a school report.  I did some minor housekeeping and read.

And then we watched Babe, went outside to shovel our driveway, and ate dinner.

No Nap Boy was in bed by 7:00.  LG did more work.  I read.  We played Solitaire.

She's in bed.  I'm going to read some more.

At some point this afternoon I realized I was reading instead of grading, editing a book manuscript, making a syllabus for next semester, emailing about this that and the other thing, etc.  And that's okay.

All the work will still be there Monday morning.

The Mystifying Things That Students Do

I have been teaching for 18 years (yowza!), 12 of those since earning a PhD.

Still, it never ceases to amaze me what undergraduates do at the end of the semester.  Take these three, from my current class:

1. Showing up to class and saying you HAVEN'T YET PRINTED YOUR PORTFOLIO and should you go home and do that NOW, therefore missing class/exam period, or LATER.  Yes, both these options are BAD.

2. Not showing up to the final exam period and not emailing me about it.  At what point will you figure this out?  Do you think I'm going to go back to campus to get your portfolio when you do figure this out?

3. Not showing up for like the past 6 weeks of class but still coming to turn in a final project.  Thanks, but you failed already.  Why are you wasting either of our time?

Time Passes

Dumb observation of the day:  time seems like it is going both very fast and very slow.

Fast:  Book #1 needs to be done (final edits) in a few days.  It is mostly done.  But now I feel the need to reread it AGAIN in case I made a stupid mistake when I hit "replace all" on a few names...

Fast:  Book #3 needs stuff, like finding folks to blurb it, and I have not yet even signed a contract.  Because the contract sent to me had the wrong dates.  No, it is NOT POSSIBLE for me to have material to you by January 2013.  (Don't get me started on this one.)

Fast and slow:  Prospectus for Book #4 feels like it is ready to go.  But this is the co-edited thing so will inevitably require another week's worth of discussion and electronic hand-wringing.  Note to self:  do not co-edit ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.  IT DOESN'T SUIT YOU.  

Slow:  Every day I read some more pages in The Goldfinch.  There are about 450 left for me to read, which is longer than most novels I finish in a year.  Did I say I've already read more than 300?

Very fucking slow:  will Editor #1 ever email me back?

Exponentially slow:  will Tiny Boy ever sleep 10 hrs in a row again?  (Strike that, will Tiny Boy ever sleep in his bed until 5 in the morning again?  Or 4?  Or, hell, even 3 would be good.)

Small Things

Somehow (i.e. actual nap for one child plus playdate for another followed by babysitter for two hours) our house is mostly tidy, I made an actual dent in the work that needs to be done this week, and I am now able to sit around watching food tv and reading Donna Tartt.  Because there's something wonderful about trashy tv and fat novels in a snow storm. 

More soon.

Loss

A little boy who lives in our neighborhood, a kindergartener, just died.  He had an inoperable brain tumor.

I don't know his family very well but LG has been in class with his sister.

I am so sorry.  What else can I say?

Write It

So the problem with writing a book about one's sordid story with infertility and pregnancy loss?

You have to reread the thing in order to edit it.

And it hurts.  Even eleven years later.  It really hurts.

Purely Rhetorical

How is it that my department chair can come off as such a fucking PATRIARCH in a meeting and then ten minutes later use his very same paternalism to send a supportive smackdown over email?

On that, let me just say blind copies are very nice things indeed.

Listening

It's an understatement to say I have a lot on my plate right now.  Juggling four book manuscripts is about three too many.  And Tiny Boy has been waking hourly for some inexplicable reason.  Some separation anxiety.  Some stalling out bedtime.  Calling Mommy, Mommy.

Some craziness at work, with the admin stuff.

I've been dealing with The Headache off and on for several days.  Started with the kids pterodactyl screaming.  They literally made me ill--happened immediately, the throbbing and the nausea.  And now almost any noise is too much.

I was more or less okay yesterday.  But really feel horrible today and finally have decided this is my body's way of saying too much.  So I'm having a quiet, rest-in-bed day.  And maybe will get some work done and maybe I won't but in the end it's all okay.

Multiple Personalities

My other--that is, professional--self decided to get a blog.  Ha.

Who am I, really?

Nothing of any interest there yet, but if I "know" you--like, we've swapped email and stuff--I'll tell you where I am.  Would like to keep things somewhat separate.

Oy.  This is getting confusing.

Four Words

"Ah see beeg duck"

or

"I see big truck," which was unfortunately uttered at not quite 7:00 am when the leaf collector truck started doing its work.

But I suppose a 4-word sentence proves his pediatrician right.  No real problem with language development.

Ah see, ah see.

Before the End of the Semester

A quick freakout, because that's really all I have time for.

It occurred to me, sometime in the wee hours of the morning when Tiny Boy was kicking me in the head, that even though the publisher has given me until February to submit the final manuscript for my book, it really needs to be done in the next few weeks so that the folks who have agreed to write blurbs.

So let's say for the sake of argument I get this Book #1 squeaky clean by December 15, which is like LESS THAN TWENTY WORK DAYS FROM NOW.  Before then, I also need to finish the semester, which is to say reading drafts of student writing for the next couple weeks and final portfolios when they come in.  Not to mention the 300 page dissertation that just landed on my desk.  I also need to finish my syllabus for the new course I'm teaching next semester, and it's co-taught, which is twice the fun but about four times the complexity.  And various admin tasks I won't bore you with here.

Then, re:  Book #4, My co-editor and I had a self-imposed deadline of October 1, which was then Nov 1, and I think Dec 15 might be realistic, except the aforementioned.  We have contributors!  We need to make this happen!  It needs to get in the mail!

Then the publisher would like the new version of Book #2 in the spring (now, spring is a vague deadline, but still, in my head that means maybe March 1, and maybe I should clarify that, which really means doing that work in January and February (after the previous deadlines) and when I am teaching one more course than I am now.

And I don't think I mentioned the acceptance of Book #3, which isn't a REAL book, because it's only a chapbook, but that still needs dealing with, and that too is supposed to be done in that vague space of the spring (haven't signed a contract yet so don't have an actual deadline).

I'm going to go take a walk and cool off.  And get back to Books 1-4.

Ahhhh!

Forum on Egg Freezing

Just checked out a book on egg freezing, as it's a topic that may or may not make it on to a course I'm teaching in the spring, on issues related to motherhood.

I have to say, I read a couple pages, including what seemed like ridiculously high success rates for IVF, and I shut down.

As a woman invested in reproductive choice, as a woman who needed to use an egg donor, I should like egg freezing as a general concept. 

So why does it make me so queasy?

Talk among yourselves.

*

And sort of related, I think my head might explode:

http://www.rolereboot.org/family/details/2013-11-8-surprising-facts-about-egg-donors

Back on the Growth Chart!

I don't think it's a coincidence that Tiny Boy is sleeping better now that he's BIG TWO.

Even when weighed naked (at my request!) he's up to 22 lbs 11 oz, which translates to roughly 6th percentile for weight.

Ginormous, right :)

His pediatrician is quite pleased.

I Think We Call This "Sleeping Through the Night"!

Tiny Boy was in his own bed, without a peep, until 6:00 am.

Then he proceeded to chitchat with me about trains, had a bottle, and went back to sleep in my bed until roughly 7:30.

One night does not a trend make.  But 10 hours?!

Yay that.

The Morning Cry

As I said, there seems to be absolutely no rhyme or reason for why sometimes Tiny Boy sleeps and sometimes he doesn't.  Let's be clear:  mostly he doesn't, but it's still SO MUCH BETTER than it used to be that I really can't complain.  While I'm not happy about using various pharmaceutical sleep aids (Benadryl, mostly, with some Xanax thrown in there on occasion), I'm sleeping well enough that I can THINK during the day.  And do things like my job.

But consistently for the past week or so Tiny Boy has woken up around 5:00 and, instead of asking for a bottle, starts yelling about TOYS.  "My b[all]oon, my b[all]oon" (huh?) or this morning "DINO!" which was a birthday gift from LG and I promptly fetched from his crib because he wouldn't stop crying about it.  And he immediately cuddled with it and went back to sleep.

What gives, Tiny Boy?

Two

Happy Birthday, Tiny Boy!

Joining the Twenty-First Century

My other self decided to get a twitter account.  (Have I told you I don't even do Facebook?)

But given the stuff that's going on in my professional life, an avenue of shameless self-promotion feels like a potentially useful thing.

It's strange, being a writer in the world.  I don't quite know how to do it.

Gratitude

LG and I had it out this morning.

I'm sure it didn't help that we're both tired (I didn't fall asleep until almost one last night and still woke three times with Tiny Boy).

It started with her asking me for $12.50 for her book fair.  I'd told her at the beginning of the year, and reiterated this week, that I'd give her $25 for the year for books from book fair/scholastic/etc.  (Even as a professional book hoarder professor of English, I hate book fairs.  They encourage kids to buy a bunch of stupid crap, like journals they fill in once and immediately for get about.  LG has a Kindle, she goes to the library weekly; in short, she is not at a loss for books.)  Somehow in her head this translated into "there are two book fairs, so I will get half now and half later."  In my head, this meant if there was actually a book that she wanted, I'd give her money for it, up to $25.  I told her I didn't have cash; reminded her that she just received money from her grandmother and she could use that and I'd pay her back if she found a book she wanted.  She asked again.  I repeated.  She asked again, this time for $11 (???).  I finally looked in my wallet and told her I'd be willing to give her $10 (of the $15 in there!).  She stormed off.*

Now let's be clear:  she has already spent I can't tell you how much on book fair crap (erasers that look like animals, some weird secret code pen, etc) this week.  When she came back down I launched into a spiel about how lucky she is to have all that she does--i.e. I just spent over $100 for gymnastics outfit alone--and she doesn't even bother to say thank you most of the time.  She yelled "I know, you can stop already!" but clearly she doesn't get it at all. 

She's not at a loss for things, or experiences, or even access to cash, as she gets a weekly allowance for doing routine things around the house (putting her dinner dish away, feeding cats, etc).  And while I wouldn't say that she's "spoiled," she does have a sense of entitlement that makes me--as a kid who grew up "almost on welfare" as my mother liked to say--really uneasy.  Maybe it's time that I sit her down and show her (again) how much money I have coming in and how much money going out and how much of that is FOR HER AND HER BROTHER.

Egads.  I hate this stuff.  I almost wonder if I should give her a higher allowance--a lot higher--and say I'm done paying for everything except food.  Even if that's only on paper.



* At some point I told her that I'd be happy to buy a specific book for her, WITH A CHECK, after school but that went ignored.

The Spin Cycle

Before we begin, let's get out of the way that (1) life is exactly what I want it to be, thank you very much and (2) really, life is exactly what I want it to be (well, minus the sleep deprivation).

I've been spinning lately.  Infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, egg donation that is.

Without paying my therapist $125 I can self diagnose that this has to do with it being the anniversary (of sorts) of my first pregnancy loss (things started to go wrong on Oct 29 and ended with d&c on Dec 19) so this time of year can be hard.  And then there's the fact that I'm writing about all this stuff, because the two book manuscripts deal with it so there it is.  Sometimes I look at Tiny Boy and LG and my heart just breaks for all that I have and all that I don't.

I'm not cosmically sad in the way that I was three years ago, on the verge of making the DE decision.  Or the way that I was eleven years ago, when I lost baby #1.  But it's this off-kilter feeling I can't shake.  Better since I decided not to donate the embryos.  Better since it's been a while since I weaned (I think my hormones are evening out) and I'm getting more sleep.  But it's there.  And I wonder if it will always be there, if I'll ever be able to write anything else (even when I think of switching genres and writing fiction it's about lost and distraught mothers).

I wear a pomegranate charm and the other day it slipped off my wrist into the toilet.  That has to be some kind of metaphor, right?

The Thing About Changing the Clocks

I went to bed last night at 10:00 and woke up at 7:00, which, for all practical purposes, meant waking up at 8:00 (10 hrs, minus waking up 3 (?) times with the boy).  Napless Boy was down for the night at 7:15.  Overtired girl went down at 8:15.  Lunches are made.  Clean sheets on two of three beds.  Diapers are in the laundry.

So if we ignore the facts that (1) I haven't commented on the student work (because the boy didn't NAP!) and (2) the house is strewn with toys, it seems perfectly reasonable to take a shower and go to bed by 9:00.

So that's like getting extra sleep two nights in a row. 

Night y'all.

The Sleep Woes

Tiny Boy is back in my bed.

To clarify:  Tiny Boy goes to bed, on his own, in his own bed around 8:00 pm.  Somewhere, generally 1:30 or 2:00, he wakes up, calls for me, picks up his pillow and blanket and says "too, too" (????) which is his word for going to my bed.  I have tried rocking him and re-dumping him the crib.  I have tried sitting in the rocker while he falls back to sleep.  If I do the former, he gets down and walks into my room.  The latter, well, he doesn't sleep but waits for me--and I've sat there A LONG FUCKING TIME--and then cries when I eventually ditch him.  So, in the end, faster to get back to sleep for both of us if I give in to "too, too."

I am not philosophically opposed to co-sleeping.  LG spent much of her first 2.5 years in my bed, and that was fine.  Tiny Boy was fine as a breastfeeding infant.

But as a bigger baby/toddler Tiny Boy SUCKS as a co-sleeper.  What he wants is to sleep on my body.  Specifically, my head.  I cannot even begin to tell you how fucked up my neck is right now, from having a toddler crawling over my pillow and mashing his head against mine (why this is comfortable for him, I don't know).  I pick him up and shove him back into the corner of the bed (which used to be where he slept); he comes back.  We repeat about 30 times.  I threaten to put him back in his crib.  He finally moves.  Ugh.

He needs to be evicted.  But every time I start the evicting process he gets sick.  I mean, you can't evict a baby with PNEUMONIA!  He's on the mend now.  So tonight, people.  Tonight.  Yeah.

Playing Student

We have a visiting writer on campus today.  These things either suck or they are fantastic.  So far, we have a fantastic.  Like, I want to do everything this guy is doing; he's making me think about my work in new ways, and it's totally great to talk to him.  Amen.

*

Up next:  pregnancy loss take #1, 11 years later, or what's going on in my head these days

Close Encounters

I ran into my therapist yesterday at the public library.

I suppose this is not that surprising.  It's a small town.  Her kids went to the same elementary school as LG.

I've seen her from a distance a couple times at the grocery store, etc.  But I really didn't have any choice yesterday but to walk up to her and say hi.  He's cute! she said, about Tiny Boy, the subject of our many conversations from embryo-hood on.  Enjoy!

Indeed.

Have I said I'm having something resembling a mid-life crisis?  Like, what do you do after you got everything you ever wanted?  Happiness is a strange place to be.

Being a Single Mother by Choice

In the hectic day to day of things, I don't think much about being a single mother by choice.

I think a lot about being a single mother, because I'm the only adult in the house.  But the circumstances of my becoming a single mother, well, not so much.

But I find myself writing an essay, a kind of ranty thing, on what it means to be an SMC.  The sort of thing I was vehement about back when I was like 29 and trying to become one and most SMCs were 35+  At the time, the distinction was critical.  I also find myself wanting to tell young women, like my students (in appropriate contexts, like a class on motherhood!) that they should consider single motherhood, in the same way that they should consider egg freezing (though I am skeptical about that), in the same way that they should consider child-free lives, and "traditional" family structures.  As an option for family building on their own terms.  That's what reproductive choice really is.

A Little Crabby, A Lot Overwhelmed

Here's what I've got on my plate right now:

• teaching (thankfully only one class), which means weekly commenting on student work because, you know, it's writing-intensive
• chairing third-year/reappointment committee for one of my junior colleagues
• co-chairing university wide panel for internal grant thing (and the reviewing of files that goes along with it)
• reviewing writing samples for undergrad program thing
• admin job, which includes, among other things, overseeing an undergrad organization, bringing a speaker in to campus next week, curricular stuff I haven't even started yet...
• a few grad students, who need advice and letters and feedback now and again
• revisions of forthcoming book manuscript
• revisions of sort-of-accepted book manuscript
• revisions of not-yet-finished book manuscript because I need to finish the damn thing already!
• proposal for co-edited book thing was supposed to be in the mail weeks ago

And then there's the whole single parenting thing and the domestic messes (like, our basement floor is finally being replaced and so the toys are everywhere, and canned goods, and sundry items generally stored in the basement).

And did I mention that within the past ten days, LG needed to go to urgent care and I developed a weird eye thing and needed to go to the doctor and Tiny Boy is recovering from pneumonia?

AHHHHH.

Okay, I feel a little better now.

In Which Gwinne Vents About Editors and Readers Reports

Oh, this is the Year of the Book it seems.

Another book manuscript accepted, pending revision.

I am not one of those writers who says it's DONE AS IS sorry.  I have rarely refused to make changes when offered the opportunity to publish.  And, indeed, I agree wholeheartedly with this editor that the book needs work.

I just think it needs very different work than she's asking for.  And I don't know if I can do it.  Like, literally, it's not that I don't want to do it, it's just I can't even fucking IMAGINE what this book would look like her way.

I forwarded the readers' reports to my best ladies (my writers' group) and they were indignant on my behalf.  I emailed a senior colleague who likewise said not to trust it, don't do it.

Indeed, the last time I was asked to revise this book, I did exactly what was asked of me and it was ultimately rejected (maybe 2010?  it was pre-Tiny Boy) and I was so humiliated that I largely stopped sending the thing out.

So my impulse is to tinker with it and see what happens on my own terms.  And if that happens to work with her terms, yay.  And if not, I guess the thing will continue to be unpublished.

Argh.

Would you read this book?

I'm working on a blurb about my book.  Help!

[Thanks for the comments!  Decided to take the blurb down for now...will let you all know when the book eventually makes its way into the world]

Books about DE?

Does anyone know of a first-hand account of family building via egg donation?

I don't mean a self-helpy sort of informational thing but a narrative/memoir.

Because if there's not one, I think I might need to write it.  A sequel of sorts to my book coming out in the spring.

Emailed Dr. G last night and told her I wasn't ready.

I feel like my heart is breaking.

Now where was I?

Feeling like this space is becoming a tedious recording of sleep problems and successes.*

Of course I spend a lot of time thinking about it.  I think maybe I'm going to do some kind of art project about sleep.  A weird diary or something.  I think I need to do more visual art.  I find myself thinking I studied the wrong stuff in graduate school.  Like, if only I'd studied poetics at SUNY Buffalo...but that never even occurred to me when I was applying to programs.

Emotionally I am a mess.  I don't know how much this has to do with weaning.  But I have moments--and they seem too frequent--that I am just hit with what I am calling THE USUAL AND MUNDANE SORROWS.  You know, not big stuff like infertility or major life illnesses or anything.  Just being sad.

Maybe this has to do with a friend, whom sometimes I wish was a bit more than just a friend, preparing to move across the country.  We keep having these good byes.  Another one--the real one, I think-- tomorrow morning.

Maybe this is some sort of mid-life crisis.  I feel like I went to bed a 27-year-old fresh from grad school and woke up an almost 41-year-old with two kids and tenure (and a lot of shit has gone down in the past 5-10 years, you know?).

And then there's work.  I'm actually largely on top of things.  Making headway on all necessary project and turning out new stuff.  Staying on top of the email and the details.  Not getting overly emotionally invested in students and my class (which isn't going as well as I'd like but I've been doing this particular class long enough that I know THAT'S NOT ME, IT'S THEM).

Therapy with actual therapist tomorrow, largely to talk about the embryos in cold storage.

Life is good.  But why does it have to be so hard to make it through the night?



* for the record, we're doing better.  First waking generally as late as 2:30 (although last night he came in with me at 11:00!) but still those wee hours SUCK.  I've tried giving him more or less "baba"; I've tried keeping him with me and forcing him to stay in his bed.  Nothing systematic seems to work but I can pretty much count on being awake for two hours sometime in the middle of the night.  The only good thing is that I'm getting enough total sleep, due to early bedtime and generally late wakeup, to make up for it.  I mean, I'm not well rested or anything...but I haven't had one of those HORRID nights in about a month.  And that' helps.  Damn does that help.

Hooray for Quiet Time

Tiny Boy is down for a nap.

I have dealt with all the email catch up from yesterday.  I have commented on half a stack of student writing (the other I'm saving for tomorrow's nap).  I have a load of laundry in the wash and another in the dryer.  In a minute I'm going to go straighten up the kitchen, including mopping the floor (which hasn't been done in I don't really remember how long...)

And if that doesn't get me to the end of nap, I'll read.

LG is at a library program for 4 hours (!!!!!!!) today.

I love my daughter but she is LOUD and she talks nonstop and she's exhausting to be around for hours on end.

It's quiet.

Crash

I'm supposed to be reading for work.  Or making a bunch of phone calls.

Instead I'm dealing with email (admin admin admin) from my bed.

Mostly I feel the urgent need to nap.  Except I am mostly incapable of napping (yes, I tried).

This probably because I took Xanax at 2:00 in the morning, around the time I booted Tiny Boy out of my bed and proceeded to listen to him cry.  And then when crying had no effect he just talked to himself for about an hour.  He finished his bottle, said "ah done," and chucked it on the floor.

We were awake from about 12:30-3:00 last night.

And then he woke up again at 5:30 and I gave him (another) damn bottle and told him I would help him put his body down and it wasn't morning and you need to let mommy sleep NOW.

We were almost late again.  I got up at 7:40 and if I didn't need to get LG out the door probably could have kept going.

That is, I'm not sure if I'm exhausted because I didn't get enough good sleep or because I drugged myself in the middle of the night in order to get some sleep.  Or both.

Probably both.

I am glad Thursdays are forgiving if I am ON during the rest of the week.

Progress

It seems every time we make some progress in the sleep department there is a setback.  This time:  an illness (sinus infection?) that left him sobbing at night about his "teeth" and coughing.  He's 7 days into antibiotics and things are looking better.  But, short term, I ended up bringing him in bed with me--the alternative was sitting in the rocker for hours on end--so now that's become a bad habit that needs to be broken.  I will say, though, that it's not an all night thing as it was for a few days.  First waking is coming around 3:00 or even 4:00!  Sometimes I can get him to stay in the crib until 5:00 and sometimes it's just easier to snuggle up and go back to sleep.  So while it's not great, the advantage of co-sleeping is NO CRYING.  Even if he wakes up he actually uses his words:  "mo baba, pees" and "ah done" or "ni-nite, mommy."  So that's something.  Getting there.  Slowly.

He's up to 22 lbs in a diaper.

Otherwise:  also slowly getting work done.  Trying to respect my own boundaries, esp. when it comes to email.  Would like to be getting more reading done.  Would like our house to be a bit cleaner.  But all in all, I feel better not nursing (I'm gaining weight back at an astonishing rate) and sleeping closer to normally.  Still relying too much on the variety of drugs in my arsenal (don't do any one thing two days in a row because, frankly, I'm afraid of addiction) but the consequences of the MAJOR INSOMNIA are just too high otherwise....mostly I just use Benadryl which I need, anyway, because of the allergy situation.

One thing at a time, right?

Compartmentalizing

I have a new work strategy that is working moderately well.  Certain activities--writing on different projects, my admin job, grading--are allotted certain time slots.  If that work is not completed during that time, it happens during the next allotted time.  In other words, if I don't finish all the emails I need to send during the 30 minutes earmarked for email, well, it waits until tomorrow.  Like I said, working moderately well.  I'm less good about respecting boundaries for my own writing; that is, while I'm pretty good about preserving my writing time in general, I do not always stick to the plan about what it is that I will work on.  This is fine as long as all projects get some airtime during the week.

As I've said before, Laura Vanderkam makes me a bit nutty.  Thinking about my week in terms of 168 hours has been somewhat helpful.  But what's more realistic is thinking about my week in terms of hours with children and hours without children.  Yes, we all have 168 hours, but it's really not realistic to think that we control what happens in all those hours, particularly when children are involved.  I might decide that 10-6:30 are for SLEEP but Tiny Boy starts crying about his teeth and needs to sleep on my body (the subject of another post), he wins.  I have a certain number of hours with childcare--I've been having about 4-5 weekend hours per month to do work, on top of daycare/school--and realistically that's when I need to plan on working.  NOT after kids go to bed.  Because while that's nice in theory, in practical terms, well, I know it doesn't work, at least not with a toddler.  (I did work at night when I could count on LG going to bed at 7:30 or earlier, which maybe was around 3.5-7.5 [and then her brother showed up]).  Right now I'm not going to give up any of my potential relaxation/sleep time to work.  It just doesn't make any sense.  Yes, nice to be on the other side of tenure.  Yes, nice to be teaching material I could probably do in my sleep (ha!).

I am also trying to be aware of my energy (and anxiety) levels and capitalizing on them.  This morning was stuttery and somewhat depressive so I went to the library and picked up some books.  That needed to happen anyway.  Keeping a mental if not physical list of stuff--little things, that is--that can make me happy in a given day.  Today it was drinking cider while giving feedback to a grad student about his comps proposal (the cider was the treat, of course).

Anyway.  Must do other things now.  And if Tiny Boy would agree to sleeping somewhere other than my body, tonight might be better.*



* the result of the latest illness.  Ear tubes still good, but now he's got a sinus infection and cough.  I almost cancelled class yesterday.  But didn't.  Sometimes just showing up is enough.

Small Good Things

1. After some unpleasantness in the 3-6 era (it seemed like he was waking every hour?) I brought Tiny Boy in bed with me, pointed out that it was still DARK and mommy was SLEEPING.  I rubbed his back and the next thing I knew it was 8:07.  Yay.
2. Farmer's Market goodness.  It's a walk, it's kids playing at the park, it's eating samples and chit chat with neighbors and farmers.  What's not to like?
3. I had the oven on all afternoon.  I made pumpkin pancakes and roasted veggies and potatoes and BBQ chicken in the crockpot.  Then some grains for breakfast and a soup for tomorrow.  Yum.
4. Chasing Tiny Boy around the kitchen to feed him.  Really, it was fun.  And he actually ate all kinds of things directly from my finger.
5. Kids had a babysitter this afternoon for two hours so I could grade stuff.  And as I was driving to a cafe I frequent it occurred to me that I could go to the university art museum (that I was driving past) and sit in their cafe and grade things and see art.  Man, that was good for my soul.  And then I came home and found children walking home from the park.  Good times for everyone.

Now, if only Tiny Boy would go to sleep--yes, it's 8:50 and he is still full of jibber-jabber--and stay asleep, this day might actually be perfect.

Weaned

I think we're really truly done nursing.  It's been two weeks (?) or thereabouts, with only a couple requests which were easily redirected.

It's occurred to me that I'm not sad or wistful or anything, that I'm really glad to be done.  And that seemed weird to me, given how agonizing it was to stop nursing LG before I was even close to ready (even though she was sick and I was literally starving).

See, nursing a toddler wasn't particularly enjoyable. 

It involved being pawed at and bitten.  It involved nursing someone who was frequently upside down or rolling around (and generally behaving like a toddler).  It involved poor sleep.  It involved milk letting down at seemingly random times because sometimes we nursed a lot and sometimes we didn't.

Nursing an infant on the other hand--well, that I could have done longer.  So I'm a sad that I won't have that experience again, with Tiny Boy or, presumably, any other baby.  But man am I happy to be done nursing a 22-month-old.

A Recipe for Sleep

4 ml Benadryl (it's legit, he's drowning in snot)
+ white noise machine
+ heavy-duty night diaper
+ onesie/leggings combo
+ 8 oz rice milk/formula
+ eating an actual dinner*

=

a boy who slept from 8:15 until about 5:15 this morning, and then there was a mishap with a bottle and coughing (either it spilled all over his hair or he coughed it up, not quite sure!) but that's pretty damn close to a whole night


And Xanax?**  Holy crap.  I mean, I've been awake since 4:45 but otherwise only woke to some baby squawks around 1:00.  SLEEP.

Tonight might be okay.  Even after a trip down the Highway of All Things Infertility.



* apparently Tiny Boy will do almost anything for DARK CHOCOLATE and, for the record, the only thing different about this particular night was the FOOD


** and that's the lowest dose.  Why a benzodiazepine that's actually used for SLEEP does nothing for me is another question.

Frozen

So, as I said, Dr. Gorgeous has called me twice now, and left me messages, because the calls came at times I was dealing with LIFE and didn't even hear the phone ring.  I think this means she has a new idea about how to handle these embryos in storage.  And really truly I was ready to give them up last May when we talked and she asked me point blank if I was ready, in the same way she asked me if I was ready to do DE.

But now I'm not sure.  I mean, I think I'm 100% sure that I would never try to get pregnant with these embryos.  I wanted two kids, I have two kids, and there's really no way that three kids is even a remote possibility.  I also think for as much as I like being pregnant, this pregnancy with Tiny Boy fucked me up so much emotionally that I couldn't go down that road again.  But.  But.  But.  Am I really 100% certain that someone else should try to make a child with them?  I like the idea of helping a fellow infertile, I really do.  And then I see a baby or a pregnant woman at the supermarket and it just hits me in the same way it always did.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow, and she suggested a place that looks to be on the same road as the clinic.  And just getting off that exit, honestly, has me spinning.

I have a 22-month-old.  I should be over this, right?

Updates on All Things

• The marvel that is SLEEP.  I slept 9 hrs Friday night, about 9.5 Saturday night, and last night spent 10 hours IN BED, though Tiny Boy managed to wake me more times than I want to count, but probably 8 of that was spent actually sleeping.  If I didn't have a cold, I might actually feel good.
• My doctor's new plan (in lieu of Ambien and Restoril) is putting me on Xanax, with the understanding that I will not use it frequently.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  But I need a drug that is relatively fast acting and can be taken in the middle of the night without a great likelihood of a huge drug hangover the next day.  She said Xanax is the closest thing.  I don't like that I need something like this, but, really, the waking at 2:00 or 3:00 am and not going back to sleep is killing me, and it's happened A LOT in the last few weeks.   
• We have not nursed in, I think, just over a week.  He asked for it once.  I said, sorry no more milk in there, can I get you a bottle?  and that was just fine with him.  AMEN.
• Work is going okay.  I got caught up over the weekend at my mom's, at least with the class stuff.
• Still have not talked to Dr. Gorgeous, who has now called me twice, at really bad times.  I will be driving down the Highway of All Things Infertility and maybe I will stop in.  Then again, I don't know.  The more I think about these embryos the ickier I feel about it.  I think I'm ovulating.  I'm sure I shouldn't make decisions under the influence of estrogen.
• I think that's all.  Bed time.

Brought to You by Free Hotel Wireless

We're visiting my mom, ostensibly for Yom Kippur.

Tiny Boy slept in my mom's room last night.  I slept something like 9 hours and probably would have kept going if she hadn't brought him in at 6:00 am. 

Now I'm in a hotel room, sans children.  I've got the TV on, I'm drinking a glass of wine, and I'll be headed to bed here in a few minutes.  Amen.

Two Lines

No, I didn't have an embryo transfer and not tell you.

Just found out that my book was accepted.  (One of them, anyway.)

I'm really too fucked up to think this through right now.

It's Totally Obvious, Right?

Occasionally I come across a blog in which someone is discussing X problem, and I think it is so completely obvious that Y is the solution that either (a) the blogger has a serious blind spot or (b) I do as a reader.

So this is when I say to you lovely people, what the fuck am I overlooking here?

My sleep issues are so entwined with Tiny Boy's that sometimes it's hard for me to tell WHO is having a bad night.  The quick recap:

1. Sleep has ALWAYS sucked for Tiny Boy.  Like, we've gone stretches when he woke every 40 minutes all night long.  (Thankfully that hasn't happened in a while, but I think I was awake every hour last night, some due to him, some due to the cat, some probably due to my own self.)

2. We did the whole "sleep training" thing a year ago, which resulted in a month of screaming for 40-60 minutes every night.  And had absolutely no effect on night sleep, despite what all the stupid books say.  That is, I am not philosophically opposed to sleep training, although it clearly is no magic bullet (and, for what it's worth, I've tried both the Ferber-type checking periodically--which just pisses him off--and the more Weissbluthian ignore-the-baby version).

3. He naps decently at daycare and finally now at home.  And by decently, I mean generally 2-2.5 hrs Occasionally he has a glitch at home when he skips a nap.

4. He is able to put himself to sleep (see #2) without maternal intervention at the beginning of the night and at naps but not if he wakes in the middle of the night (or in the middle of a nap).

5.  Right now he is drinking MORE rather than less in the middle of the night, which might have to do with the fact that we haven't nursed since Sunday.  While I'd like him to not need any bottle in the middle of the night, I really do think some kids--mine--is hungry.  I've said it before, but LG started sleeping through the night magically the minute she switched from Neocate to real food.  That was age 2, and she was about 5 pounds bigger than Tiny Boy is right now.

6. The past few days he has also resisted bedtime--it's been as late as 10:00--and required me to sit in the rocking chair until he falls asleep, which is a totally new thing (again, maybe this is the weaning?).  If I don't sit in the rocker, he does stupid shit in the crib which results in his leg getting stuck in the bars and him screaming and then he really does need help.

7. It occurred to me over the weekend that I used to take prenatal vitamins and I used to take massive amounts of B vitamins, due to both b12 deficiency and MTHFR.  Such issues are linked to both INSOMNIA and MIGRAINE both of which I'm dealing with at the moment, although frankly the latter could be caused by the former.  So I'm vitamin-ing myself again

8. It also occurred to me that I used to do acupuncture and that was a nice relaxing thing, when I wasn't being starved to death, so I called up acu #1 who got me in and listened to me cry and stuck some needles in my head and it would have been great except then I had to go to work and nonstop meetings/class for 5 hrs.

9. I think I am going to put Tiny Boy back on Gentlease toddler formula, at least for his evening bottle, in an effort to beef up his caloric intake.  I hate the stuff, but it really doesn't compare to the oat/rice milk combo (with a dash of coconut oil for fat) in terms of calories and such.

10. Acu #1 suggested craniosacral therapy for Tiny Boy.  I suppose I have very little to lose other than some money and time.  I tried it for myself about 8 (?) years ago and it fucked me up so I'm somewhat reluctant, but she knows some good people who've done it on kids for a very long time, and, yeah.  

I think that's all.  Tell me:  what is my big obvious blind spot here?

*

And as a Yom Kippur gift for myself (ha!) I am leaving the kids with my mother and checking into a hotel for a night.

I Really Am an Administrator

I woke up to 37 email messages that are just sitting there waiting for me.  Gulp.

This Is Why I Hate Cell Phones

Because more than two years after you stop being a fertility patient, it's entirely possible for your former RE to call you when you are taking a walk with your kids, just having a normal day, NOT thinking about being a former fertility patient.

Embryo Donation Conversation, Take 3.

I'll update once I've actually called her back...

Random Bullets of This Week Sucks

• Sleep situation (mine) is so bad that I emailed my primary in the middle of the night.  She put me on Restoril, which I don't think is going to work.  Night #1 I didn't fall asleep until three hours after I'd taken it, and only then when I combined it with benadryl, which probably isn't the smartest thing.  Night #2 I managed to fall asleep relatively easily but still woke at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  And although it doesn't make me tired enough to SLEEP I still have a sedative hangover the next day.  Oh, and you're not really supposed to use it when nursing.  But I figure Tiny Boy's livelihood depends more on having a sane mother at this point.
• The morning after the aforementioned (maybe that was Thursday?) I dropped kids off, came home and took ambien at 9:00 am, which bought me three hours of sleep.  And then I went to work. 
• I think the boy needs to be moved out of his crib.  He can climb it.  Damn.  He's way too little for a bed.
• We went 36 hrs without nursing.  He might have gone longer except it was bedtime and the options were let him nurse or get out the breast pump.
• Absolutely insane and unbloggable situation at work.  I'm sure that's not helping my state of mind.  Oh my word.
• Our house is a disaster.  I "should" be cleaning the floors and putting stuff away right now but I am going to try to nap.  Ha. 

Two Steps Forward...

Tiny Boy has some fantastic nights (Monday he woke for the first time around 3:30 and not again until the morning!) and some crappy nights (last night he woke 1:00ish and then was awake from 3:30 until maybe 5:00...he went back to sleep only after he'd had his full "morning" bottle).  On the whole the past 10 days or so--since he got sick--have been of the sucky sort, at least for me. 

Actually called my primary yesterday to see if she'd give me some non-Ambien sleep aid--still waiting to hear back.  Too many nights of me waking at 2:00 or 3:00 or 4:00 and not going back to sleep again, so even when Tiny Boy has a good night, I don't. 

Most days right now we're nursing only once, in the morning, and generally only on one side (I'm not even sure my left breast is producing anything anymore...it certainly hasn't become engorged)  Sometimes after daycare, but only if he asks and then refuses my counteroffer of bottle or food.  I'm really ready to be done completely, as his latch seems to be weird right now and it's not comfortable.  So, soon.

Still trying to get him to eat instead of drink.  He seems to do okay at daycare but wants very little to do with food at home (the exception being he eats a TON when we are grocery shopping and he's in the cart).  He seems to be more willing to eat at 7:30 pm, when I want to get him ready for bed, so I'm trying all kinds of semi-sneaky things, like fake nutella on a bagel, or pumpkin pancake with syrup, or coconut milk yogurt/babyfood combo, just to get a bit of fat/protein in him before bed.

I'm just tired.  Like so tired I can't think straight, let alone do my job.  I know not all days are like this, but I really need a break.

Being Mid-Career and All That

I think I am (still?) experiencing some kind of burnout or what other folks describe as a post-tenure slump.

When I break down my job piece by piece, I have to say I like most of it.  I like the teaching (some classes are better than others, of course, but generally I like being in the classroom), I like reading, I like writing.  I like meeting with colleagues (when the meetings are necessary, anyway).  I like working with students outside the classroom.  I like going to talks and poetry readings.

I don't like bureaucracy.  I don't like busy work (and those two things tend to go together).  I don't like how some things are done at my university.

Mostly the good outweighs the bad, when I'm looking at things somewhat objectively.  I have a good gig.  I am woefully underpaid for someone with a PhD, even within my already woefully underpaid subsector of the academy.  But really, given that I'm not largely motivated by money, I don't think about that much.

So what the fuck is my problem?

I am having a horrible time finishing this book manuscript.  (I would rather be writing anything but my book manuscript.)  Maybe this is a specific problem and I shouldn't generalize it into a whole mid-career slump problem.  But I suspect they are related.  Hmm.

Maybe I will go read something at the Chronicle.

Blogotherapy (New School Year Edition)

School starts tomorrow.  And I went back to my old therapist today, mostly because it's a safe space to cry.  And she saw me through 2010-2011 so, you know, there's that.

So I'm in a space that I really need to--want to--strategize.  I was going to write this all out longhand and decided if I did it here (well, not the work specifics, but the other stuff) you might have some thoughts.  You people are good for that stuff.

*
Some observations and big thoughts:

1) Mostly I need to accept the fact that I am still not functioning 100% and really won't until, at minimum, I get more sleep.  I am working on that, steadily, but everything with Tiny Boy is slow going. 

2) So I need to be kind to myself and recognize I'm going to have good days and not good days and use the good ones and muddle through the bad ones (like today, today is BAD, because a kid woke me at 11:30 and I didn't go back to sleep until almost 1:00 [I think, it's hard to remember] and then at 4:30 and then the other one woke up at 5:30 and both of them were in my bed being generally annoying by 6:30).

3) Although it is hard to remember sometimes, work should not be about things like my ego (and the perfectionism that goes along with it).  Work should be a tool by which I earn money so I can actually live in my house and pay my bills.  That's it.

4) Money is also useful for cutting down on stress.  I need to remember to USE IT.

*

Some things I can do (or need to do):

1. Suck it up and outsource.  (a) I hired a landscaper to do a general cleanup of my yard.  I feel much better, and that's HOURS of unpleasant work I don't need to do now.  I don't have the tools to do it well, and since I'm allergic to all of nature, it is not a pleasant experience, even though I like the IDEA of working in my yard. (b) I'm having a student (who works at a daycare) come by for a couple hours on weekends (maybe twice a month?) so I can regroup for the week.  I can grade or I can do other stuff or just go grocery shopping without chasing my son. (c) I should probably have someone come in to clean the house once a month...but I'll wait on that for a bit.

2. Be better about meal-planning.  Cloud has a post up about her family's method that I really enjoyed.  Her particular plan won't work with my family's issues, but I very much like the idea, which is basically repetition with a difference.  I need to think this through a bit more but something like:  Sunday:  big piece of meat in crockpot; Monday: beans and rice; Tuesday: taco/quesadilla (can involve the crockpot meat or leftover beans) ; Wednesday: pasta for kids, leftovers for me; Thursday: stew/soup; Friday:  sandwiches; Saturday:  open

3. Do the important things before the seemingly urgent as much as possible.  Now I don't mean the REALLY urgent things.  But there's a way that things that pop up over email seem like they need to be done now, when they really don't.  I expect that will be happening even more now that I'm an administrator.  I think I probably need to have a set time of day I check email and just stick with it.

*

And now, given that I am fucking EXHAUSTED and I have not technically gone back to work yet, I am going to watch a DVD while ironing something to wear tomorrow.

The Law of Sick Children

We went away for the weekend.  And Tiny Boy woke up Friday night with a fever.  I gave him baby motrin (and more baby motrin and more baby motrin) and he mostly rallied, although Saturday night he was incredibly clingy and fell asleep on my chest at like 5:00 pm.

I didn't really sleep Saturday night, between LG's snoring and his wake ups. 

And then last night, too, he couldn't settle and we were more or less awake from 2-4.

There's a case of fifth disease in his classroom, so I'm assuming that's what's going on.

Today was supposed to be my last hurrah of summer.  I ended up with a migraine (probably from the lack of sleep and the poor eating) and spent most of the day in bed, other than the hour and a half during which I cleaned the house and talked to Dr. Boy on the phone (about work matters, if you must know).

LG went to bed without dinner.  And woke up about half an hour ago running a fever saying she couldn't sleep (which is what she often says when she falls asleep at a weird time and then wakes up).  So I've given her motrin.  And toast and water.  And run a bath for her.  And told her to go back to bed, fully expecting to be woken up by both kids about fifty times tonight.

So much for going to bed early. 
So much for getting anything done tomorrow, too.
Which really sucks because classes start on Wed and I haven't even finished my syllabus because I deliberately put it off until the last minute.

Fucking hell.

Eight Hours!

Tiny Boy slept, without parental intervention, from about 8 pm-4 am!  (He squawked a few times in there but nothing that required me to get up).  Of course, he still needed attention at 5:30ish.  But still, I'll take it!  Especially since at 4:00 all I did was shove a bottle in his general direction and go back to bed; later, he wanted to be held.

And he didn't nurse before bed last night, or take an excessive amount of bottles.  He seems to be EATING.  Huh?

Little Things That Make Life Easier

Will someone please tell me why it is only now, in my forty-first year, that I have acquired a "book-holder" to hold up my notes and the various texts I'm working with?  I mean, seriously, seven years of graduate training and then twelve years working as a professor of literature and it's just now that I figured out work would be EASIER if I didn't have to hold the book at all kinds of contorted angles?

What else am I overlooking?

Random Bullets of the End of Summer

• We have definitely night-weaned.  Mostly Tiny Boy doesn't ask for "a mo" (he keeps changing his name for my milk) at night though he takes "baba."  Last night he had a lot of trouble settling back to sleep--he was crying out every few minutes for some inexplicable reason--and when I asked him if he wanted a bottle he said "no, ni-nite," by which he meant he wanted to be re-covered with a blanket.  He also wanted his "pu-bow" (pillow).  There are okay nights and bad nights, and mostly the bad ones occur when his issues coincide (or cause?) my own insomnia.  
• Due to the aforementioned, my milk supply has diminished to virtually nothing.  I can generally nurse him once in the evening hour and once in the morning but there's really not much there.  
• I went on a wheat binge last week and felt absolutely horrible so actually went out and bought some Udi's bread, which is what one of my friends with celiac eats.  And it is palatable on a sandwich, which is what I want to eat right now, so that's good.  
• Both kids have gained weight since their well-visits in June.  LG several pounds, which is what she needed to do, and Tiny Boy maybe possibly one (he's 21 lbs at 21 months).  He's definitely starting to eat a bit more, which is good.  And although there's not really much time between dinner and bed, I've been trying to get him to eat something else before his bottle/nursing.  Last night it was coconut milk yogurt (he had maybe 2 oz?) and a few small bites of a cookie.
• We are having central air put into our home as I type.  Someone had asked in a comment if it would be cheaper to do in winter.  So I asked.  And was told categorically NO by two different companies (there is generally a price increase on the actual unit every year and it's difficult to install AC when the ground is frozen, apparently) but managed to get an "end of summer" discount from one guy.  And as we are having a hot day, I hope we can actually use it tonight.
• I have mostly done the stuff on my "home" to do list for the summer.  The work list?  Well, I've made progress, though not as much as I would have liked.  I'm doing much more for my admin job than I would have wanted and less of actual writing.  I will try to schedule carefully this semester, particularly meetings.  I've already put off three grad students who wanted to meet before school starts.  It can WAIT people.

Up and Down

We are getting somewhere with the weaning.  Pretty much down to twice per day (either after daycare or before bed and then first thing in the morning); as he can also have bottles at these times, I do not see it being incredibly difficult to stop those nursing sessions.  I am somewhat ambivalent.  I would like my breasts back.  I would like to never look at a nursing bra again (mostly I'm not, although I should probably buy some bra that actually fits).  But Tiny Boy is one of those kids who generally doesn't snuggle if he's not being nursed, and I don't want to give up the snuggles.

I am having some mood swings and I really wonder how much it might be hormonal, given that I basically went from 2.5 years of fertility drugs to another 2.5 years of pregnancy + nursing + really crappy sleep.  (Yes, holy fuck, this journey started 5 years ago.)  I have an appointment with my therapist in a couple weeks, and I think we might talk about that.  Mostly I'm fine, but I can get scattered and overwhelmed very easily and then I'm in a funk.

And oh my goodness, I know in the big picture my life is GOOD.  Let's take stock:  fertility treatment done (check), the number of kids I always wanted (check), tenure (check), a job I mostly like (check), a house in a good community (check), good friends (check), family support (if we're not counting my sister, check).

So it's hormones, right?  It's wild swings of prolactin and progesterone and all that stuff, right? 

*

Things are mostly better with the sleeping (although there was a lot of crying and holding around 1:00 in the morning for some unclear reason, and he really wasn't going for a quick bottle and re-tuck routine, but at least we're mostly sleeping until 7:00 or later (!!!!!!) so yeah, sleep is good as long as I accept that I will be waking up until we get a house so large I can have a bedroom in a completely separate wing from my kids (ha!)).

And now I need to go to LG's drama camp performance.  And remember to bring a camera, as I am one of those bad mothers who mostly forgets a camera because I'd rather WATCH the performance than have it on video.  But I digress...

Just In Case It Never Happens Again

I need to say that Tiny Boy woke only twice last night (1:00ish and 5:00ish) and consumed only 2 diluted bottles (so that's about 1 oz rice milk plus 1 oz water) before nursing at 6:25.  He might even have gone back to sleep if I'd held him longer, but the Bunny Clock says it's okay to wake at 6:30, and we did.

I doubt very much he will sleep through the night without a peep.  (Are there actually children who do so?)  But we are getting somewhere.

Until, of course, the next tooth, cold, etc etc etc.

Progress!

So last night, the first night of the diluted bottles, I only picked up Tiny Boy the first waking, when he was holding up his arms.  Otherwise I gave him the bottle* and went back to bed.  I think tonight I'll give him a 4 ounce bottle on first waking and then the watered ones and see if that keeps him sleeping more soundly.  All a grand experiment.  But he does seem to be accepting the no "mama mil" in the middle of the night, anyway... it's been more than a week.





* Yes, I know you are not supposed to let babies sleep with bottles.  Bad for their teeth and all that.  But he doesn't actually sleep with the bottle IN his mouth, to the best of my knowledge, and, well, if I have to choose, sleep is more important than teeth.  Besides, it's temporary, he's going to be sucking on water very soon I say...

The Thing About Working Over the Summer (A Rant)

1. It makes me crazy when people, even people who work at the university, say that professors are "off" over the summer.  (Or "off" when they are on various sorts of leaves, but that's another rant.)  I am not OFF if I am expected to use the summer to write the book that will earn me a raise/promotion/whatever.  But basically if one isn't teaching, one is "off," because apparently teaching is the only real work of the profession, even though it is ONLY 40% of my actual load in a normal year (which theoretically means that each of my four classes constitutes 10% of my work load, right?).

2. BUT, it makes me even crazier when people (like my department chair, say) call meetings and have various requests for me to do non-writing work over the summer because I DON'T ACTUALLY GET PAID FROM MAY UNTIL SEPTEMBER, unless I choose to teach summer school.

So am I "off" or not?  I think it depends on my mood.

Operation Wean and Sleep (An Update)

So here's where we're at:  Tiny Boy generally nurses one or more times between pickup and bedtime; if he wakes before 12:00 sometimes I nurse him sometimes I don't (sort of depends on if I have the milk or not).  Then he's cut off until 6:00 am; sometimes he takes a bottle in the morning, sometimes he nurses, mostly up to him... 

How we've been dealing with the night wakings:  I'm keeping a lunchbox next to my bed with 3 2-oz bottles of rice milk.  When he wakes, he generally requires that I pick him up, hold him in the rocker; we go through the ritual of me offering a bottle and him crying "mama mil" and shoving the bottle away with me holding down my shirt and telling him there's no more milk in the night, if you are thirsty you can have a bottle.  At which point he generally takes the damn bottle; I hold him for maybe two minutes and then tuck him back in.  He takes some sips and throws the bottle on the floor or leaves it to leak milk in the corner.

What that means is, although most nights he's still waking me like 3-4 times (what the fuck is up with that?!) I'm not spending huge amounts of time dealing with him, and more often that not, both of us go back to sleep.

Starting Sunday, I'm going to start diluting the rice milk, and I'm hoping a week after that I can just give him water in the night.  Also hoping to start holding him next to the crib and then, well, not at all.  But as it's turning out, the weaning and the wakings, although related, are two separate issues.

That's where we're at.  And this morning, after I boobed him at 6:00ish and still put him back in the crib, I was able to get up and do some things before kids woke up around 7:00.  That was new and different.

*

Next up:  some of the nonsense about morning drama with a 9-year-old girl and whether or not LG will do her own laundry.  Argh.

What to Do on Our Weekend Getaway

I told LG we could go away for the weekend that last weekend before I go back to work.

My basic requirements:  No more than 2 hours driving distance from our house, absolutely no more than $200 including tax and all nonsense, and please can we have some kind of setup which involves a "suite" or adjoining room so I don't have to sit in the dark or in the hallway after Tiny Boy goes to sleep.

Her basic requirement:  An indoor water park.  Preferably a BIG indoor water park.  And pizza.

My amended requirement:  There should be something ELSE to do other than go to a water park.  And eat pizza.

I just booked a room, without consulting with my offspring, that I believe fits all criteria.  And it's even within easy driving distance of the BEACH.

Small Good Things

I'm hoping today makes up for yesterday.  So far so good.  (Nap, little boy, nap!)

1. We took our usual Sunday walk to the farmer's market.  We bought eggplant, sweet corn, tomatoes, and some overpriced gourmet pasta.  (I am mostly not eating wheat, and they did have the gluten free sort, but I figured I should try the real stuff to see if it's worth the price before trying a version I am less likely to like.  Mostly when I don't eat wheat I just don't eat it; I don't care for "gluten free" much of anything, and many of the baked goods use soy flour, which I really can't eat.)  But anyway, it was a great trip to the market.
2. According to LG, all summer I've been saying next week we should get some food from the fancy food trailer at the market.  So we did it today.  And even Tiny Boy ate a few bites.  Yay for not cooking lunch and trying something new.
3. Thanks to nicoleandmaggie I called the crock pot company because I broke the handle off my crock pot lid, and it was getting really annoying.  This is the second (or maybe third?) time I've broken a crock pot in the exact same way, and the other times I just end up replacing the whole thing for an upgrade.  But now I have a new lid (for free!!) and in a moment I'm going to put some green beans in there and stew them up for dinner.  Yay!
4. I am having a day I like my house.  It's the sort of adorable English cottage house that people always say they like but mostly I see the mess and everything that's in disrepair (like the weeds out front and the windows we don't/can't open and the dirty floor, etc).  But today it's a perfect day to have the front door open and the sun is coming in and it's just nice.  I also, finally, organized my new desk area and find it much more workable.
5. I am feeling mostly better.  I thought I was on the verge of a sinus infection, what with the constant headache and the green snot and all, but I think it's pretty much gone now.  Hooray.

Done, Done, Done

Ever have those days you just want to be OVER?  Well, I am.  And it is.  I think.

So Tiny Boy didn't wake until 1:00ish and then still managed to wake THREE MORE TIMES after that.  And then he was difficult in baby music class (first day, but still) and then he didn't take a nap.  Yes.  The boy who usually takes 2.5 hour naps was still yelling and blabbing after 90 minutes of crib time, at which point I just gave up and we went grocery shopping.

Then to the park with LG and a friend and the friend's mom and younger brother and somehow it got to be dinner time and meltdown city.  Goodnight, Tiny Boy.  Then I got mad at LG for leaving her crap everywhere.  We had a momentary reprieve of a game of Boggle and ice cream and then Tiny Boy was yelling again, and needed a diaper change.  And new pjs.

But now it is 8:30 and two children are in bed and no one is yelling and, well, AMEN TODAY IS OVER.

Spoke Too Soon

So last night was one of THOSE nights.  Tiny Boy woke for the first time around 11:30.  And despite going to bed at 10:00, I had some crazy fit of insomnia that lasted until about 3:30.  Certainly wasn't helped by the fact that he woke again at 1:00 and 2:30 or so and then maybe 4:30 or 5:00.  yeah.  I think maybe I got an hour and a half of uninterrupted sleep, plus about 30 minutes here and there.

So I'm functionally brain dead today.  But tried napping twice and just can't.  So I've been puttering around trying to do domestic things I'd like to get done before school starts (like, I still haven't entirely dealt with the filing cabinet mess since moving Tiny Boy into my home office) and doing the laundry.

And now I think I'm going to go to run a couple errands and then pick up a Tiny Boy and take him on a walk.  And shovel food in him like he's not going to eat for a week.  Or at least overnight. 

Fuck.

I Should Be Sleeping

Except now that I'm not insanely sleep deprived, just moderately so, I find it harder to go to bed early.

Tiny Boy has been waking for the first time around 1-2, which is swell.  What's less swell is that he can still manage to wake 2 more times after that.  Last night, it was 1:30, 3:30, 5:30 and then up for the day at 6:30...  These aren't protracted wakings, thankfully, but still it's too much.

What else?

My hip/back hurts.  According to my yoga teacher, that's the QL.  I think there might be other muscles involved, too.  I know this is a combo of c-section + too much babyholding on one side.  Not sure what to do about it.

Getting a fair amount of work done now that I have 7 solid hours during the day.  And I'm not needing to nap or stare into space because I'm so tired.  Imagine what I could do if I was actually well rested?

And with that, g'night.

Long Time No Blog

I've been quiet, sorry.  Not much to report.

Operation Wean and Sleep procedes at a snail's pace.  He's back to nursing after daycare--will adamantly say NO! if offered a bottle and I really don't want to make it a huge battle--but is doing better over night.  A boob/bottle combo, mostly.  Past two nights involved LONG waking stretches, but he's battling a cough.  And both nights pulled off his diaper.  Through a onesie.  Called "uh oh, uh oh" when he realized he was soaking in pee.  Yay.  Last night also involved vomiting up breastmilk.  At least we slept until 7:40 (and were almost late)  I'm writing him a story about weaning; my goal is to have no night feeds by the time I go back to work in the fall (21 mo) and then cut him off entirely by age 2.  I'm really done with nursing.  Really done.  But hard to cut him off from the source of calories he likes best.

Had a lot of appointments about home repair projects.  Still haven't decided about AC.  I did decide I need to take care of things that cause me stress, like the weeds in the yard and the fussy light in the bathroom and windows I don't open because they have peeling lead paint in the interior and I don't want cats/kids getting in there (lack of AC doesn't cause stress, just some crabbiness in the evenings).  Money should be used to deal with stress, it seems to me.  At least today.

I've had a fairly productive week work-wise--finished the book prospectus and contacted potential contributors, started a new chapter, mostly finished an old chapter--and today am having a slow-poky day I am spending mostly in bed.  I got Tiny Boy's cold and it is a doozy.  One of those ones that slams you in the chest and leaves you with absolutely no energy.

I got a new cell phone, because the other one was about 7 years old and really didn't hold a charge anymore (no, I don't actually USE a cell phone, now that I'm not a fertility patient; we still have a landline as primary phone) and it was really cheap.  But has all the camera/video features that makes a 9-year-old happy.  So LG is taking lots of pictures of herself in the car.

What are you looking at?

I think that's all.  Now I'm going to go read things.  How are you, dear readers?