So, as I said, Dr. Gorgeous has called me twice now, and left me messages, because the calls came at times I was dealing with LIFE and didn't even hear the phone ring. I think this means she has a new idea about how to handle these embryos in storage. And really truly I was ready to give them up last May when we talked and she asked me point blank if I was ready, in the same way she asked me if I was ready to do DE.
But now I'm not sure. I mean, I think I'm 100% sure that I would never try to get pregnant with these embryos. I wanted two kids, I have two kids, and there's really no way that three kids is even a remote possibility. I also think for as much as I like being pregnant, this pregnancy with Tiny Boy fucked me up so much emotionally that I couldn't go down that road again. But. But. But. Am I really 100% certain that someone else should try to make a child with them? I like the idea of helping a fellow infertile, I really do. And then I see a baby or a pregnant woman at the supermarket and it just hits me in the same way it always did.
I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow, and she suggested a place that looks to be on the same road as the clinic. And just getting off that exit, honestly, has me spinning.
I have a 22-month-old. I should be over this, right?
But now I'm not sure. I mean, I think I'm 100% sure that I would never try to get pregnant with these embryos. I wanted two kids, I have two kids, and there's really no way that three kids is even a remote possibility. I also think for as much as I like being pregnant, this pregnancy with Tiny Boy fucked me up so much emotionally that I couldn't go down that road again. But. But. But. Am I really 100% certain that someone else should try to make a child with them? I like the idea of helping a fellow infertile, I really do. And then I see a baby or a pregnant woman at the supermarket and it just hits me in the same way it always did.
I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow, and she suggested a place that looks to be on the same road as the clinic. And just getting off that exit, honestly, has me spinning.
I have a 22-month-old. I should be over this, right?
SHOULD is never the answer. How you feel is how you feel. Ignore SHOULD and go with IS.
ReplyDeleteI'm not exactly the queen of getting over things, so hell if i know. but maybe lunch will count as exposure therapy and help you on your way? or something. as long as they don't show the menus on ultrasound screens or something. if they ask your name and date of birth when you request a table, beat a hasty retreat.
ReplyDeleteThis is uncharted territory, isn't it? Therefore, I don't think "should" can apply to ANY of this ART stuff...I don't know all the details, but can't you just sit on this until you're ready to make a decision? After all, you're paying for the embryo storage, right? So can you just let things be until you feel you know which path you want to take with this? Unless it's eating at you to have a resolution? Because, for whatever reason, you are not ready to let go of these embryos. And maybe, just maybe, in a year or three, you might be able to feel good (or at least clear) about letting them go. Or you may be in a position to do something else....maybe you will want and be able to try to get pregnant yourself or afford a surrogate. But right now you don't know for sure and that's good enough to let things be. In my humble opinion, anyway. This is very complicated and messy and there are no rights or wrongs. (Hugs)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Bionic...yeah, that's what I'm telling myself. At least I get to go left instead of right :)
ReplyDeleteI have a 23.5 month old and I'm still not "all in" on any further reproductive decisions. Its so hard to let go of the (even remotest) possibility.
ReplyDeleteMinimize your regrets. Once you sign away those embryos you will not ever be able to get them back. If you are not ready you are not ready.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you'll be having lunch before making any big decisions. You'll decide what to do with the embryos on your own time. Dr. Gorgeous can also go to lunch if she'd like while she is waiting (no offence to your good doctor).
ReplyDeleteBefore my embryo transfer this spring, I was sure I was going to donate my remaining embryo if this one worked. Now that I'm pregnant, I can't even bear the idea of giving it up. I don't really want 3 children as a single mom, but I can't even think about giving up the chance.
ReplyDeleteWeird. But glad to know I'm not alone with this particular weirdness.
should? hah!
ReplyDeleteI've offered my frozen embryos twice and each time the offer was declined. For me, it's deciding all over again, and I just don't know if I can decide that again...