Month: August 2015

Blogging, Blogs, Comics, Commentary, Movies, Superheroes, The Simpsons

I’m Batman …

Posted on by spykeyone

Why haven’t I got a one-liner? It’s very annoying …

No one screams in terror when they ask me who I am and I gruffly utter –

I’m Carl …

Not even if I add a bit of attitude like Bart Simpson…

I’m Carl Baumann, who the hell are you?

If I look someone straight in the eye and assure them that

I’ll be back …

They usually just roll their eyes and say

That’s nice dear. Make sure you close the door on your way out.

Pfffttt …

It’s just not fair. The only things I get to refer to as ‘puny’ are the cats and they don’t take much notice. Good opportunity here for my all-time favourite take on The Hulk’s ‘Puny Humans’ as seen in The Avengers –

I can’t even say I’m a friendly neighborhood anything. Everyone in my ‘neighborhood’ is a thug or criminal and the only superpower I have is to lock my door and hide quietly behind it. Not very friendly.

As far as I can see, the only benefit of being known as ‘The Doorman’ would be the possibility of some tips.

So what to do? Go down the gym and drink lot’s of protein shakes? Muck around with highly dangerous radioactive materials and a variety of wildlife?

No, that sounds well dodgy. I’d probably end up as ‘Slugman’ or ‘The Human Snail’.

Oooh! Maybe that’s it! Who ARE you mysterious stranger?

I’m Well Dodgy. Don’t turn your back …

Perfect …

batman coffee

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Adversity, Angst, Annoyances, Blogging, Blogs, Cats, Commentary, General Humor, Snails, Spiders

Sharing your life with others …

Posted on by spykeyone

Woke up this mornin’
Got yourself a gun

Alabama 3 – Woke Up This Morning (The Sopranos title music)

That’s how I felt when I got up this morning and encountered this ‘little’ fella in the bathroom –

bathroom spider

Aaarrgghhh!

Then I went into the front room and both cats are looking at me like the Children of the Damned.

children-of-the-damned-the-children

Aaarrgghhh!

Their bowls were empty and they weren’t happy. At all. And they were scary.

I got the impression they wanted to eat ME …

And then I sat down to write this and play some Candy Crush. Guess what my bare foot found on the floor …

snail

*SIGH* & Aaarrrgghhh ..!

Not the best start to a Sunday morning when all you want is a nice cup of coffee and to introduce your tortured mind back into the world.

Is it too much to ask for a little peace, solitude and lack of stomach-churning, mind-numbing terror and disgust?

Apparently so ..

Please do me a favor folks. It’s Sunday and I need a little ‘feel good’ – go and check some of my previous posts ..

I need to get my stats up … 😀

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Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Inspiration, Musings, Writing

Numb from the head up …

Posted on by spykeyone

OH NO!

It’s one of those mornings – absolutely nothing interesting to write about.

Can’t even tell you what I had for dinner last night. It was nice but live monkey brains are so passé these days …

I can’t comment on what I watched on TV last night. It was live and the moment has passed …

What are you wearing?

Pfffttt … I expect a higher class of reader.

Current affairs? – Good grief no. Way too depressing. It’s all guns, jihadis, transport-related deaths and random diseases.

Great Literature? – Haven’t finished writing it yet. 😦

Ooh! Some news – this blog was linked back to by the Dead Homers Society site. Yay!

The cats are looking at me very suspiciously. Bags are packed and a month’s worth of dry food was delivered last night. They suspect something might be up. And they’re right. Fortunately their internet privileges have been revoked due to misbehaviour and they can’t read this.

I have an increasing selection of Reese Peanut Butter Cups to choose from –

reese

Isn’t it better to say nothing if you have nothing good to say?

I’ve heard that’s true but the rest of FaceBook don’t follow that rule so why should I?

Maybe something will come to me later and it’ll be one of those “two post” days …

I wouldn’t hold your breath though … 😉

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Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Language, Religion

Should the Christians blame themselves?

Posted on by spykeyone

A friend of mine told me yesterday that her (Christian) publishing company had requested that she change certain words in her manuscript. The reason? They went against their policy.

Well they were shockers – 4 x Damn, a few bastards, 1 x go to hell & worst of all – a son of a bitch!

Now all well and good. Not everyone appreciates profanity and there aren’t any requirements for anyone to accept it if they don’t want to.

But! It did get me thinking … Would any of those words/expressions be considered ‘bad’ if it weren’t for the most popular book of all time?

No, not 50 Shades of Grey (dumbass) – The Bible.

Damn – used AT LEAST 15 times, sometimes more according to which ‘revision’ it is. Note: damnation and damned count here too.

Bastard – There are Bible Verses about bastards –

Deuteronomy 23:2 – A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Hebrews 12:8 – But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.

Now trust me. That’s WAY worse than my friends book. That’s all unicorns and puppy-dog tails in comparison.

SO! Who can we blame for all the bad language in today’s society?

I’ll give you three bastard guesses … 😉

3
Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Language

Ay Caramba!

Posted on by spykeyone

I love different expressions of surprise/shock or dismay. They show great diversity of language and also how easily phrases can ‘jump’ from one culture to another.

The classic

Ay, Carumba!

is a brilliant example. Although made famous by Bart Simpson, it’s not made up. It’s actually Spanish so therefore spoken all over the world. So you can speak some Spanish even if you don’t know so!

Oy vey

Jewish/Yiddish for ‘Oh woe’ or ‘Woe is me’ but actually of Germanic origin – Wow! ..

Wow!.

Modern phrase? You’d think so but no. First appeared in the 1500’s and can be attributed to the Scots! See the link for the full info. WTF?

WTF?

Whether you love or hate this one the origin may surprise you. Back in ancient times, (Early 90’s) and we didn’t have the internet or smart phones, this acronym was used by caterers to communicate via their pagers – Where’s The Food? – True. Believe it or not…

Overheating laptop means I’ll have to keep this short but I’ll leave you with one more …

Bloody Hell!

There’s LOADS of explanations for this one but I can’t be bloody bothered to list them all here.

I’ll tell you one bloody thing though. The bloody Australians nicked it from us …

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Adversity, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Philosophy, Stories, Writing

Writing paper…

Posted on by spykeyone

Literature (and films) are filled with stories of heroes overcoming adversity, finding the strength and resources to overcome fearsome challenges.

A lot of the predicaments are extreme – Saw for example. The two main characters are forced to choose between certain death or cutting through their leg to escape.

Even happened in real life. (And they made a film of it) – remember Aron Ralston?

Aron

He had to cut his own arm off to escape after a hiking accident in Utah in 2003 when a falling boulder trapped his arm against a canyon wall. He got a book (Between a Rock and a Hard Place) AND a film (127 Hours) out of that. Plus a lucrative pen-knife sponsorship … (Ok. I made that last bit up)

So. In my quest to gain fame and fortune through writing I have come up with my own idea –

A man is alone in his flat. He wakes up in the white-tiled bathroom sitting on the toilet and his right-arm is hand-cuffed to the radiator. In confusion he screams and voids his bowels. There is no-one to hear his cries for help. Then he screams again in sheer, bloody terror. The toilet roll holder is empty ..

Scary huh? – I’m going to be a very, very rich man …

All based on real events of course … 😉

.

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bright side of life, Commentary, death, Houdini, Humor

Making death … Interesting …

Posted on by spykeyone

Don’t worry. This is going to be interesting and funny. Not morbid and depressing.

Know the expression ‘Kick the bucket’? – there are loads of potential theories for where this expression come from – see here for a list.

I have a new proposal –

Kick the safe

This phrase has a clear explanation – Almost everyone has heard of Jack Daniel right? Well, Jack got frustrated one day and kicked the safe in his office. Then he got gangrene in his foot and died from it. There you go – He kicked the safe! Simple …

Beaten to death

Most people are under the mistaken impression that Harry Houdini drowned performing his most famous stunt – escaping from a nailed packing container, suspended in water whilst manacled. No – he died for a completely different reason. He was famous for being able to withstand punches to the abdomen. That’s true, he could, but he needed to prepare himself first. A student once struck him several times without allowing him the time to do so. He died on stage that night from a ruptured appendix. Bloody hell!

Death is in the eye of the beholder

Tennessee Williams needed to use eyedrops. One day he held the cap for the medicine in his mouth before applying the medicine. He sucked it in and choked to death. A warning to us all. Drugs kill!

Hen-pecked to death

Sir Francis Bacon tried to prove to Queen Elizabeth I that a chicken could be preserved by packing it with ice. He caught a cold standing in the snow trying it and died. Shame, because technically he was right!

Hope you enjoyed those few little known facts. Question for you …

When you die … How are YOU going to make it interesting?

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Beauty Products, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, General Humor, Snails

Be more snail …

Posted on by spykeyone

I was asked yesterday where my blog topics come from (No, it wasn’t my psychiatrist).

My answer was that I really have no idea. I just get up in the morning, have a smoke and a coffee then rest my hands on the keyboard and out it comes. (The piece!) 😉

So, here is an example of how my mind works …

The rain here (London, UK) has been torrential the past two days and the snails in our garden are out in force. I made a video yesterday and got a trans-atlantic snail race going with bets flying electronically across the ocean. This morning I saw the O2 (mobile phone company) ad for ‘Be more dog’.

So there you go – ‘Be more snail …’

Ok. But why should I be more snail?

Excellent question! I always research my pieces and found the following reasons …

  1. Snails are cool – Google ‘Brian’ and ‘Magic Roundabout’ for more info.
  2. Most ground snails are peaceful veggies (well, not exactly all), but the marine species can be top predators of the sea. They are armed with a harpoon like weapon (named toxoglossan radula, snails modified “tongue”) injecting a deadly venom into their victims.
  3. Garden snails have up to 14,175 teeth! They are all located on their tongue (radula).
  4. Snail slime is used in some beauty products!
  5. They’re a valuable food source for birds AND humans!
  6. You can customise them (see featured image)

So there you go. 6 reasons why you should be more snail. There are many, many more but I’m making myself a bit nauseous now …

Here’s one of our snails. He’s called McCloud …

snail

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